It took him nearly an hour to craft his introduction letter to his liking. When he thought he could live with the missive, he folded the parchment in half, sealed it with candle wax and the signet ring he kept in his pocket for such instances.
Knowing that once he sent this message, he was committed to the course, he stood up from his desk and headed up to the Owlry. It was only as he was approaching the door to his quarters after owling the note that he realized that he'd once again left his papers in the classroom.
*~*~*
"Welcome, Professor Snape. It's an honour to meet you," an insufferably cheerful voice greeted Severus as he attempted to keep his feet after being ejected from the floo.
Dusting soot off his robes, Severus studied the man before him. He still wasn't certain that this was a wise idea, or if he could go through with it at all.
The stranger standing before him looked completely benign. Penbroke was a medium sized, slightly chubby man with sandy hair, an affable face, and brown eyes that seemed very warm. He was dressed in black Muggle jeans and a grey jumper. The sitting room behind him looked as comfortable as Penbroke himself, all cushiony furniture, bookshelves, and colourful paintings.
"Dr. Penbroke, I presume?"
"Yes." Penbroke's smile transformed into a grin. "Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable."
Once he was sure he'd shaken the worst of the ash off himself, Severus cautiously approached the brown leather couch, which was the nearest piece of furniture. He perched on the end of the sofa, prepared to apparate away at an instant's notice.
His reaction was clearly not lost on the man before him.
"Sometimes first visits can be very nerve-wracking," Penbroke said. "Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable? Tea, perhaps?"
Severus gave a negative shake of his head. "Thank you, no. I . . . believe I may have made an error in coming here. If you'll excuse me -"
"I'd be more than willing to excuse you, but do you think apparating away is really going to solve whatever problem was severe enough to bring you to my doorstep in the first place?" Penbroke asked, catching and holding his eyes.
Faced with the grim truth, Severus held the man's gaze and said, "I fear the problem is insurmountable by its very nature."
"But you still want it to go away?" Penbroke questioned.
Severus nodded.
"I can help you with that. I can't promise that seeing me will transform your life, but I think you will find that it might give you some perspective on whatever it is you're experiencing."
"I don't need perspective," Severus snapped. "I need . . . ."
"Yes?" Penbroke asked as he took a seat in a matching leather armchair slightly to Severus' left.
"A miracle, I fear." Overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, Severus turned his gaze to the fire crackling in the hearth. He didn't even know where to begin to address what he needed. How he'd thought this Squib could help was beyond him.
"Perhaps if you told me a little about yourself that might help break the ice, as it were?" Penbroke suggested. "Of course, I know that you teach Potions at Hogwarts and have been the head of Slytherin House for the last twenty years."
"I'm sure you're also acquainted with my history as a Death Eater?" Severus asked in a voice that was unintentionally harsh.
Penbroke nodded. "No one with any contact with the Wizarding World could be unaware of those facts. It was my understanding that you were spying on You Know Who for Professor Dumbledore for most of your career with the Death Eaters."
"That isn't a fact most people readily acknowledge," Severus said, warming to the man, in spite of himself. Most times when his past with the Death Eaters came up, strangers could barely conceal their disgust.
"I'm not most people," Penbroke said. "I'm here to help you handle whatever this problem is that you feel is so insurmountable. I must warn you; I've heard people claim that a problem is too huge to be fixed before, and in almost all cases, my clients have found a way to overcome the issues that were weighing them down. I won't kid you that the process is easy or in any way enjoyable, but it is effective."
Severus didn't want to hope. That particular emotion had betrayed him every time he'd given it reign over him. However, he couldn't help but experience a flutter of something like encouragement at Penbroke's matter of fact statement.
Deciding that maybe he would give the Squib doctor a chance, Severus cautiously asked, "What type of process are we talking about here?"
"Basically, I'm going to talk you to death," Penbroke joked. "I'm going to ask you hundreds of annoying questions that will help me determine the basis of what it is that is bothering you. Then I will do what I can to guide you through the problems. It can take some time for the benefits of this process to make themselves known. Depending on the severity of the issue, I might need to see you several times a week initially. So, if you're looking for an instant cure, this isn't it. Our progress will depend wholly upon your honesty and how open you are to making the necessary alterations in behaviour to achieve your goals."
Severus supposed it was too much to hope that the cure would be quick. But at least Penbroke seemed optimistic. He was highly aware of the fact that there were many people in the Wizarding World who wouldn't deal with him at all, once they knew who he was.
Severus decided to test the waters with something he knew would have ended most interviews in the Wizarding World. "Before we begin, you should know that I'm a homosexual."
Penbroke nodded as if he'd just announced he was a man. There was no trace of contempt or distaste in those serious, round features. "Before we begin, you, in turn, should know that anything you say to me will be held in the strictest of confidences. And, by the way, many of my clients prefer their own gender. I realize that such preferences can be a problem in the Wizarding World. Is that what brings you to me today?"
Severus gave a negative shake of his head. "No. I . . . ." Everything inside him rebelled at revealing these facts, but he knew there was no way Penbroke could assist him without an understanding of what had broken him. Drawing on every ounce of courage he possessed, he hesitantly offered, "Several months ago, I was abducted by a dark wizard. While in captivity, I was tortured and . . . ." he swallowed hard and just said it, ". . . raped."
Severus expected some degree of shock, but although Penbroke's pleasant face turned serious at his confession, there was no extreme reaction. He didn't look like anything Severus had just said was too radical for him to deal with.
"And now you are experiencing emotional difficulties that tie into what was done to you?" Penbroke questioned in a voice that was comforting and understanding.
A little shocked, Severus realized it was the same tone Harry often took with him.
Severus nodded. After a moment's silence, he offered in a rough voice, "I must confess that I am close to my wits' end."
"That's understandable. But you made the correct decision in seeing me. This isn't insurmountable. The fact that you were able to find the courage to come here shows that you are ready to overcome these problems."
It might have been sheer pabulum to ease his overstressed mind, but the confident statement did wonders for Severus' nerves.
"How are you going to help me with this?" Severus asked.
"Actually, I'm going to teach you how to help yourself. But first I think I need to know a little more about you, so I'm going to ask you for some background information. You said you were a homosexual. Are you involved with anyone right now?"
Severus gave a cautious nod.
"What kind of relationship do you have?"
"What do you mean – what kind of relationship? I just admitted that we were involved."
Penbroke did not appear uncomfortable with his crankiness.
"There are many degrees of involvement," Penbroke patiently explained. "Some people say they are involved with someone when they meet only for casual sex. Other people consider involvement to pertain to some level of emotional commitment. I need to form a picture of who you are before I can help you. It would help me to know what type of situation you're in. Why don't you tell me a little about your friend? Don't worry about shocking me. There isn't anything you could possibly say that I haven't heard a hundred times before."
Severus could think of a thing or two this gentle Squib mightn't have encountered before, but decided to stick to the subject at hand. "My . . . lover is twenty-two years younger than me and was my student."
"How long have you been involved?" Remarkably enough, there was no censure in the question.
Severus couldn't help but wonder if Penbroke had seen the October Prophet article in which he was accused of molesting his students. "Seven months, although we have not had sexual relations for the last five months."
"How would you define your relationship – casual, committed, exclusive, open?" Penbroke asked.
"I don't know that I ever thought about it," Severus said.
"Well, let's think about it now. Do you both date other people?"
Severus gave another negative shake of his head. "No. Given my present situation, I told him he should see other men, but he refuses to consider the idea."
"It sounds like he cares very deeply about you."
"He says he loves me," Severus explained, even his own ears could hear the mystification in his tone.
Penbroke obviously picked up on it. "And you doubt that he means it?"
Severus couldn't hold back a snort. "We haven't had sex in more than five months and he is still there. That seems to indicate that his regard is genuine."
"Yet you still sound uncertain," Penbroke commented.
"Let's just say it's a novel experience."
"What is?" Penbroke asked.
"Someone claiming to love me," Severus explained, wondering why the man looked so confused.
"Surely, you exaggerate."
"I assure you, it is the truth. He is the first person to claim such feelings towards me," Severus softly admitted.
"There are other types of love beyond the romantic. There is the love a parent and child share, the love between siblings, the love of a friend. They might not be as dramatic as a romantic love, but they can be equally as deep."
"I wouldn't know," Severus said.
"Are you seriously telling me that no one has loved you in your entire life?" Penbroke obviously didn't believe his claim.
"It is the truth," Severus said.
"What about your parents?"
"Isn't it something of a cliché for a psychiatrist to ask someone to talk about his mother?" Severus questioned. He didn't know a lot about Muggle society, but he'd heard the Muggle-born students make enough jokes over the years to know that psychiatrists usually asked people about their relationship with their mother. "I mightn't know much of Muggle society, but I do remember some things."
"Humour me," Penbroke said. "You mentioned your mother. Tell me about her."
"I don't see what relevance my mother could possibly have to my present situation," Severus snapped.
"Everything has relevance in my line of work. You were about to tell me of your mother?"
"If you must know, she was a witch from a pureblood family. When she finished school, she took up with a Muggle tradesman and eventually married him, to her family's disgrace. I think it was the only true act of defiance she ever performed."
"Was it a happy marriage?" Penbroke asked.
"My father was . . . a difficult man. To be perfectly honest, he was a brute. She was his principal victim. She could have vanished him with a flick of her wand, but she allowed him to bully her for more than fifteen years."
"It doesn't sound like you had much respect for her," Penbroke said.
"There was very little to respect. She didn't stand up for herself or for me. Perhaps if she had ever shown me any form of affection, things might have been different, but she didn't have what one might call a nurturing personality."
"Perhaps she was in too much pain to show her feelings for you," Penbroke suggested.
"Perhaps you are right. It can hardly matter now."
"You said she bore your father's abuse for fifteen years. What happened after the fifteen years?"
Severus wasn't sure what type of emotion was expected when one was relating these types of facts. Deciding not to worry about what was expected, he answered as he would to Harry, giving the cold facts, "She died."
Penbroke seemed to digest this for a few minutes before asking, "You must have had some reaction to her passing."
"Relief, perhaps," Severus said, still unsure what any of this had to do with his present problem.
"Relief?"
"Once she died, my father disappeared into the Muggle world. I didn't have to go home to them during summer breaks anymore. The headmaster allowed me to stay at Hogwarts those last two summers. I think they were the only summers I ever truly enjoyed," he added so that the man wouldn't think there had been no joy at all in his life, even though it felt like that most days.
"And you haven't seen your father since her death?"
Severus gave another negative shake of his head.
"You must have been very angry with him," Penbroke said, obviously fishing.
Severus shrugged and matter-of-factly offered, "I hated him for as long as I knew him. His leaving was no great loss."
"Many people would think that never having known a father or a mother's love would be a very great loss, indeed," Penbroke commented.
"Perhaps, but one can hardly miss what one has never known," Severus countered.
"It must have been difficult in school when you saw examples of how other children's parents loved them," Penbroke said.
