It never ceased to thrill him when Severus would let him casually touch him like this. When he'd considered becoming involved with Severus after that first unbelievable night in the Forbidden Forest, he'd pretty much resigned himself to the fact that Snape wouldn't be a very demonstrative lover, if the man could be a lover at all. But the Severus he'd found hiding behind that standoffish exterior seemed nearly starved for touch. Severus rarely initiated casual physical contact, but he never rejected it or appeared uncomfortable with it. Tonight was no different. The moment he laid his arm across Severus' shoulders, Severus leaned his head back over it with a weary sigh, exposing the vulnerable pale line of his neck.
They stayed that way for a long while until Severus sat back up to have another sip of his milky tea.
"There was something I wanted to ask you," Severus said, turning to face him.
"Oh? What's that?" With Severus, Harry never knew from his expression whether the topic would be good or bad.
"Concerning this ridiculous holiday that will fall next week, I was wondering if -" Severus began with palpable awkwardness.
Knowing what Severus was trying to ask him, Harry softly informed, "I already have your Christmas present, but you needn't -"
"I simply wanted to confirm that we were engaging in that particular tradition," Severus stiffly answered.
Harry couldn't tell if Severus were annoyed, put upon, or relieved by his words. Taking a deep breath, he tentatively said, "There are several other traditions I'd like you to be a part of . . . if you'd like, that is?"
"What sort of traditions?" Severus questioned, sounding as though he feared he'd be asked to wear the Father Christmas outfit Poppy and Hermione were making for Hagrid.
"Well, Hermione, Ron, and I usually spend Christmas Day together. We'll be putting up a Christmas tree in their sitting room some time this week and we'll open presents around it Christmas morning. I know it's corny as hell, but . . . I'd like to be there for Christmas morning; I'd like us to be there for that – if you're willing?"
Severus' eyes shifted away from Harry's, his expression tightening from more than a headache.
Harry quickly reassured him, "You wouldn't need to do anything but be there. I just . . . I don't want to spend the day apart from you." When no rejection was immediately voiced, he added, "Both Hermione and Ron asked me to invite you. Will you come?"
Somehow, this felt like almost as important a turning point in their relationship as the night he'd gone down to the dungeons to ask Severus to continue what they'd started in the woods. Everything was so difficult with Severus in some ways. When the issue dealt with simply the two of them, they were usually fine and totally in sync, but the instant interacting with other people came up, they always hit these stumbling blocks.
Severus had been incredibly obliging so far. He'd suffered through that night out with Ron and Hermione without complaint, and several nights a week for the last two weeks, Hermione had joined them in the evenings to play SCRABBLE or simply grade papers with them. She'd also told him that she'd started stopping in to the Potions lab to see Severus during their shared free period. He had no idea what they talked about, but they seemed to be getting on fabulously.
But what he was asking tonight was a little different than those casual interactions. He was requesting that Severus join him in a tradition that he'd hitherto only shared with the two people he considered his immediate family. That Ron had caught him in his loo yesterday morning when he was showering after a night with Severus to let him know that he was welcome to bring Severus along Christmas morning had meant the world to him.
Harry also knew that Severus was solitary in nature, if not downright antisocial. He appreciated how much he was asking of the man. He was trying very hard not to let too much ride on Severus' response, but . . . he didn't really know if he was prepared for a refusal. Severus was filling so many empty places in his world that it was hard for him to remember to grant his lover the space that Severus sometimes needed. Every single day, Severus did something that made Harry love him more, and just as consistently, they would hit these trouble spots that had the potential for blowing everything they'd found to smithereens.
Harry loved a man who couldn't tell him he loved him back, a man who was so emotionally damaged that he couldn't conceive of someone liking him for who and what he was, rather than simply using him. Sometimes he felt like there was no chance for them to ever be happy together, but each and every time he'd hit that low spot, Severus would do something that would demonstrate how much he cared for him, how it was about more than just the sex for him, too. Even so, Harry knew that what he was asking here was a lot for this reserved loner.
When no answer seemed forthcoming, Harry nervously prodded, "Will you come?"
Severus met his gaze again, his tongue giving his lips a nervous swipe before hesitantly answering, "If you wish it."
Relief rushed through him. "Thanks. That's . . . that's brilliant."
"Let's withhold judgment on that, shall we?" Severus requested in an urbane tone, and then questioned, "You said traditions, plural. What else were you considering?"
"On Boxing Day I usually go with Ron and Hermione for dinner to the Burrow, Molly and Arthur Weasley's home. Everyone's there. It's wonderful." Realizing that Severus might be uneasy about his reception, Harry assured, "I owled Molly this week and asked if I could bring you. She said you were always welcome at her table."
"You told Molly Weasley that we were involved?" Severus didn't quite yelp.
Harry looked down, aware that his very private lover might be upset by people knowing, but there was nothing to be done about it. These people were his family, and there was no way he could hide something this important from them. "Actually, I believe Ron told her when he firecalled her two weeks ago."
"I see," Severus said in that unreadable tone that drove Harry mad.
Harry supposed it was better than shouting, but only just. Finally, his nerves forced him to ask, "So, what do you think?"
Harry braced himself for the 'you needn't involve me so deeply in your personal life' spiel that made him insane every time he heard it, but for once those weren't the first words out of Severus' mouth. Even though he saw Severus' Adam's apple bob, a sure sign of his nervousness, he still felt like he'd won a major victory when the self-deprecating denial he was expecting failed to materialize.
After a silent moment, Severus quietly asked, "How adversely will it affect . . . our situation if I decline?"
That Severus would ask that question at all meant a lot. Harry could see that he really didn't want to go to the Weasleys', but would accompany him if he really wanted him to. Harry let the hand resting over Severus' shoulders reach up to play with a hank of his lover's unwashed hair as he answered, "Not at all. I know you don't like crowds."
"In that case, I will decline, if you truly don't mind," Severus said.
Reading the uneasiness in his lover's pain-filled features, Harry assured him, "That's fine. Maybe next year you'll feel more comfortable with the idea."
Severus tensed beside him and whispered in a hoarse sounding voice, "Next year?"
Loving the blown away look that Severus was trying very hard to cover, Harry smiled and said, "Yes, next year."
Harry watched Severus avert his gaze. He knew his lover was attempting to regain his composure. After a moment, Severus turned back and asked with a clearly forced suspicion that was belied by the warmth in his dark eyes, "Was that all the traditions?"
"Well . . . Ron's off tomorrow night. They're going to decorate the tree then. I, er, I really like to do that with them."
"And you wish me to accompany you to this as well?" Severus checked.
"Well, you wouldn't have to actually do anything. I mean, you could just sit there and grade papers while we put the stuff up, but, yeah, I'd really like you to be there with me," Harry said, hoping he wasn't pushing too hard. It almost felt like they were negotiating a contract here, with each of them trying to ascertain how much the other was willing to give.
To his utter shock and delight, Severus gave a grudging nod, "As you wish."
"Thank you, Severus," he said, leaning over to kiss Severus' unusually stubbly cheek. He'd forgotten to perform a depilatory spell on Severus this morning when he'd cast the cleansing charm over them both. Of course, the poor bloke's head had been aching so badly from the intense magic he'd performed to rid him of those god-awful nightmares that Severus probably hadn't even noticed his whiskers. Harry hated how much helping him drained his lover. Severus' long face was practically grey with exhaustion.
As the man stifled yet another yawn, Harry asked, "Are you about ready for bed?"
"It's barely gone nine," Severus replied, although there was no argument in his tone.
"It's been a long day for us both. Come on. We'll be more comfortable horizontal."
That self-conscious expression that Severus sometimes wore before he said something very foolish shadowed his features. "I realize that . . . keeping me company on nights like this can't be very . . . entertaining to you."
It was like no one had ever truly given a damn about the man in his entire life. Early in their relationship, those types of comments had driven Harry crazy, for they seemed to question his character, but now he knew that Severus simply didn't get it. Severus was more than capable of giving the support that showed Harry he loved him, but Severus was simply incapable of understanding that he was worthy of similar devotion. So, he held his temper and mildly retorted, "And I'm sure draining your last bit of power mucking about in my rape nightmare is how you define an entertaining evening."
A faint blush coloured those too-pale cheeks, "That's –"
"No different," Harry insisted. "You wouldn't be in such pain if you hadn't helped me. And don't even suggest that I come back when you're feeling better. You're stuck with me. So, come to bed."
Harry stood up and gave Severus a hand up. Extinguishing the wall sconces with a thought, he slipped his arm around his lover's waist and led him to the bedroom. Normally, he would have undressed Severus by hand and taken great delight in each gradual unveiling, but tonight he simply transfigured Severus' clothes into his favourite grey striped nightshirt. A quick turn in the loo apiece, and they were ready for bed.
The dungeon bedroom was freezing, despite the hearth fire. As soon as they were through in the bathroom, they hurried to the bed. As they settled under the heavy green duvet, Harry took Severus in his arms.
It still amazed him how good simply holding Severus felt. As the taller man nestled down into his embrace in an almost guarded manner, he reached up to rub Severus' slender back.
Severus always seemed, if not uneasy, then perplexed by this kind of contact, especially on the rare nights when they didn't have sex. Harry could tell how uneasy Severus was by how long it took for him to trust his full weight to Harry as he settled down. Whenever they were simply embracing like this, Severus always held back, as though he were waiting to be told to shove off.
It hurt that after all this time Severus still wasn't confident in him. Harry really didn't know what more he could do to assure his lover. He wished he understood what he was dealing with here. Knowing what had formed all these insecurities would make them easier to manage. But the few times he'd broached the subject, Severus had been less than forthcoming. If he hadn't known better, he'd almost have said Severus was ashamed to tell him.
He wished that there was a way he could just crawl into Severus' mind and see what he was thinking . . . .
Harry froze at the thought. It wasn't just wishful thinking. He could crawl into Severus' mind, or as good as. If Severus would permit it, and if Harry himself had the courage to do it.
It wasn't something done lightly. Harry thought Severus' reluctance to trust was due to insecurity, but he could be wrong. For all that everything the man did belied the possibility, there was the chance Severus simply didn't love him, that this was all just a sexual odyssey for his reclusive lover.
Even if that weren't the case, Harry instinctively knew that Severus wouldn't welcome such intense contact. But it could really help them understand each other better.
Wondering how he could even broach the topic to Severus, Harry closed his eyes and let the wonderful warmth weighing him down relax him into slumber.
*~*~*
On Christmas night, drained from the holiday socializing, Severus was glad to retreat to his quarters and relax on his couch with Harry beside him.
"These are extremely beautiful . . . and unusual," Severus said, once again opening the velvet box to stare down at the cufflinks Harry had given him this morning. He'd thanked Harry, but somehow, the words didn't seem enough. He'd never had so thoughtful or princely a present.
The white gold cufflinks were made in the Slytherin coat of arms. Severus admired the diamond-eyed, shining serpent, in its bed of emeralds and rubies, with purple amethysts forming the bunting. He didn't need to be a Malfoy to know that the one-of-a-kind cufflinks were hand-crafted and must have cost Harry a fortune.
Harry shifted and laid an arm across his shoulders. "I'm glad you like them. I love my cloak."
Severus wished he'd been a bit more extravagant. The ultra-soft, dark green cashmere, sable-lined cloak with its shining silver buttons had seemed very elegant in the shop, but it paled when compared to the present Harry had given him. However, Severus didn't know what he could have found to equal these cufflinks. He'd never seen anything as exquisite as the workmanship on the jewellery.
