Severus seemed as thrown as he was by their collision, for he uttered a soft, "Forgive me," and turned as if to flee into the shadows behind him.
"Wait!" Harry impulsively called out.
Severus froze and turned back to face him. The caution in his expression seemed to indicate that he expected to be blasted to smithereens.
Harry realized that this was the first time they'd been alone together since their break up. So far, the only times they'd been in the same room were the obligatory staff meetings at which Hermione and he had sat as far away from Severus as possible. They hadn't spoken a single word in a month.
"Yes?" Severus asked in a guarded tone.
His heart in complete tumult, Harry stared up at this man he'd loved so deeply, this man who had betrayed him. The anger was still there, but it wasn't the magical time bomb it had been a month ago.
After that horrible nightmare, it was actually good to see Severus.
Not knowing what to say, Harry asked an inane, "How are you?"
His question visibly threw Severus, who still seemed braced for an attack. After a moment of stunned silence, Severus answered with a characteristically caustic, "It's two a.m. and I'm roaming the corridors like a house ghost. What does that tell you?"
"Nightmare?" Harry asked.
"I hardly see what concern of yours that would be."
The tone was enough to make Harry want to sock him. Severus never gave an inch. But that same stubbornness had kept the man alive in January, and right now it was just so good to have the horrors of his own nightmare dispelled that Harry couldn't take issue with the bastard. So, instead of reacting to the near-sneer, he said, "I had one. I got to Burke's keep too late and there was nothing left of you to rescue."
"Sounds more like wishful thinking, if you ask me," Severus responded in that same contentious tone. But his expression had changed and he was watching Harry with a different type of caution now.
"Charming as ever, I see," Harry said, shaking his head at the futility of it all. This was the man he'd thought he'd loved?
"It's high time you saw me for what I am," Severus said, his gaze was as dark and bottomless as the lake outside the nearby windows.
Harry caught those eyes and held them. There were a dozen scathing responses he could make to that comment. Severus appeared braced for them all. But he knew the truth was always the most effective weapon.
"I was the only person who ever saw you for what you were. That's what scares you so much."
The minute Harry said the words, he wished he could take them back. They seemed to strike Severus like a physical blow or a magical attack.
Severus rallied enough to reply with a stiff, "Don't flatter yourself, Potter," before turning on his heel to disappear down the dark corridor with a billow of his black robes.
Well, that went well, Harry thought, annoyed at his own lack of control. But he hadn't slept in a month, and that was Severus' fault. He didn't know what he wanted from Severus now. All he knew was that he didn't want things the way they were.
Disgusted with them both, he fled into the freezing night.
*~*~*
Severus looked up from the homework he was grading as the door to the Potions lab opened. At first, he thought it might be Hermione Weasley, for they both shared a free third period Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but she hadn't stopped in to see him for more than a month now. The little white card she'd left behind on her last visit was tucked into the corner of his desk blotter, its point staring almost accusatively up at him.
Severus tensed when he recognized his unexpected visitor. Harry.
Even from a distance that strong face was handsome. It was only as Harry drew closer that his red-rimmed eyes became obvious.
Severus kept waiting for Harry to get over what had happened between them and move on. The man had always been a survivor. This malingering made no sense, but Harry looked as if he hadn't slept since the night they'd argued last month.
Severus didn't even know how to greet him. The usual 'hello' or 'good morning' seemed completely inappropriate, especially after their encounter in the corridor this morning. He knew he was lucky they hadn't come to wands last night. He didn't know why he felt compelled to egg Harry on the way he had, for Harry was completely innocent in all of this. All that Harry had done wrong was to be foolish enough to care for him.
Part of him couldn't help but wonder if Harry had come here to finish it, to finish him.
When Harry stopped beside his desk, Severus looked up at that worn face, gave a nod of acknowledgement and a stiff, "Potter." Unable to stop himself, he asked, "Aren't you supposed to be teaching?"
"They finished their quiz early, so I gave them an early dismissal. I wanted to speak to you," Harry said.
"About?" Severus asked. The sight of Harry striding into his Potions classroom had turned his entire body to stone with tension. He didn't think his muscles could get any tighter, but they clenched all the more at that 'wanted to speak to you' line. If this were anyone else, he would have had his hand in his pocket on his wand. But he knew how useless any effort would be. There wasn't a wizard alive today who could stand against this man. Unless they took Harry from behind, and, even then, he would back Harry to come out the victor.
"I'm sorry about what I said to you last night," Harry shocked him by saying. "It was cruel and thoughtless."
Severus drew in a shaky breath. He felt like Harry had just blasted the ground out from beneath him. Not knowing how to respond, he stared up into those exhausted green eyes and finally said, "But hardly unprovoked."
"That doesn't matter," Harry said.
"Doesn't it? Potter, I did something to you for which any court would consider murder justifiable. You have every right to hate me."
"I don't hate you," Harry said. After a long silence, he added, "It would be easier all around if I did, but I don't. I'm still mad as hell at you for what you did to me, but I don't hate you."
Even without windows, the torch-lit room was too bright. There were no shadows to retreat into, and Severus really felt he needed those shadows right now.
"What are you saying?" Severus asked in a voice so soft and nervous that he barely recognized it as his own. Harry didn't hate him?
"Just that I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. It's no excuse, but I haven't been sleeping lately. I know you haven't either. I . . . don't like the way we are right now, Severus. I was hoping that we might agree to try to be less hostile. I'm willing to try if you are. I think it would make everyone's lives a lot easier."
Feeling ridiculously vulnerable, Severus rose to his feet. It was a puerile tactic, but towering over Harry usually made him feel he had the upper hand in their confrontations. Only, he still felt about two feet tall as he looked down into those ridiculously hopeful eyes.
This man had every right to curse him. If Harry had gone to Minerva and told her what he'd done, he could have had him sacked. If he'd gone to the authorities, Severus knew he'd be in Azkaban right now.
But Harry had done none of those things. Instead of seeking vengeance, he was standing here practically pleading with him to act like an adult.
Severus only wished it were that easy. He pushed his filthy hair back from his face and met Harry's gaze. He still had no idea what to say. After some serious deliberation, he offered the truth. "Surely, you can't think that my behaviour of late indicates that I have any control over my actions? I'm barely making it through the days."
"I, um, never heard you admit anything like that before," Harry said.
"There's little point in denying it," Severus said. He didn't know why Harry was here. The soft tone and concerned expression were so different from the furious, remote man Harry had been for the last month that he hardly knew how to deal with him. He knew that what he'd done to Harry was never going to go away, that a month or a decade wouldn't be long enough to get past that kind of betrayal. But here Harry was, talking to him. It made no sense.
After a quiet moment, Harry softly said, "And you're not sleeping."
Remarkably enough, Severus could hear nothing but concern in Harry's gentle voice. Gods, how he missed his compassion.
Severus gave a wordless shake of his head.
"Your Dreamless Sleep potion?" Harry asked.
There was a part of him that wanted to rail at Harry for making such a bloody obvious suggestion, but he managed to contain the vitriol. Making a concentrated effort, he explained, "I've been on it since January. It's dangerous to take it daily for longer than two months. Although, at this point, I can't conceive that addiction would make the situation any worse."
To his unending shock, Harry reached out to grip his arm.
That instinctive gesture of support nearly finished him. That Harry could comfort him at a time when he should be casting Unforgivables at him only accentuated how unworthy he was of this honourable man's regard.
"You're the strongest person I know, Severus," Harry repeated the encouraging words he'd given him a dozen times a day when he was in infirmary recovering. "You'll get through this."
"How?" Severus rasped. He didn't want to appear any weaker than he already felt, but he couldn't keep the word in.
"Any way you can," Harry answered.
He wanted so badly to just fling himself at that warm body and let this incredible man support him until the shaking stopped, but he knew he'd forfeited that right when he'd betrayed Harry's trust. So, instead of crumbling into Harry's arms, he took a firm step back from him. Taking a deep breath, he held himself together, met Harry's gaze, and nodded.
"Till then, you do whatever you have to," Harry said. "If you can't manage civil, then don't. You just make sure you make it through those days. Don't worry about anything else but that. All right?"
Nearly afraid of this amazing man, Severus gave another nod and an unsteady, "All right."
Harry's eyes were pulling him in like a magnet. Severus had always felt that he could drown in them, but right now, they had a siren's unshakable allure.
Knowing that giving in to that call would ruin whatever advances they'd made, Severus took a shaky breath and held onto his controls.
The visible start Harry gave seemed to tell him that he had finally twigged onto what was happening. Once again, his former lover surprised him by failing to react with justified anger.
Seeming nervous, Harry said, "Good. I'll, er, see you at dinner, then."
Nothing had changed, Severus told himself as he finally gave into his rubbery legs and sank down on his chair once the door had firmly closed behind Harry. But even though nothing had changed, for some reason, he felt a little better. Everything didn't seem so entirely bleak.
Harry still obviously cared about him to some small extent. That was more than he'd ever had, really. It was more than he could expect after what he'd done and certainly more than he deserved. And, maybe, just maybe, it might be enough.
Realizing that he was going to have to teach class in a few short minutes, he took several deep breaths and attempted to return his attention to the homework on his desk. It was hard, though. All he seemed able to concentrate on was the lingering warmth Harry's hand had left on his arm.
*~*~*
Okay, that was . . . weird, Harry thought as he took a deep breath and leaned against the wall outside the Potions classroom. For a moment there, he'd thought he was going to end up with Severus in his arms.
While he really wished all their problems would just go away, he wasn't child enough to believe that bringing sex into the mix would fix anything. He was barely past being furious at Severus. While Severus . . . Severus was hanging on by a very frayed thread. That much was clear.
It was all so bloody complicated. Even his feelings for Severus weren't clear-cut anymore. He was as angry with him as he was concerned for him. But, no matter how angry he was, he couldn't ignore that level of pain. He'd never seen Severus so dejected.
Surely, you can't think that my behaviour of late indicates that I have any control over my actions?
Those desperate words were ringing through his mind. For Severus to admit something like that, especially with the way things were between them right now, it had to be bad.
Standing there in the empty, drafty hall outside the Potions classroom, Harry realized that Severus really wasn't in control. The Severus Snape he'd known and loved would never have violated another person's mind the way he'd violated his last month. That act was just so out of character that it had made him question his very feelings for Severus. Only, the man who had done that to him wasn't his Severus. His Severus had died on that rack in Burke's dungeon.
Not died, Harry corrected himself. His Severus had been damaged, perhaps beyond all recognition, but he was still there somewhere, buried deep beneath all that pain. Clearly, there was too much of it for Severus to find his way out on his own. The man was drowning . . . and utterly alone.
It wasn't like Severus had any friends to help him at the moment. Even Hermione wasn't speaking to him right now.
Harry knew he shouldn't care. His broken heart kept insisting that he should let the bastard rot. Severus Snape was not his concern or his problem anymore. The man had attempted to erase their relationship. What could be a clearer statement of Severus' lack of regard than that? And how could he have any kind of feelings left for someone who would do that to him?
Only, in spite of everything, he still cared. He wished he could just walk away and turn his feelings for Severus off for good, but it wasn't that simple.
It was easy to blame Severus, to hate and rage and make himself out to be the injured party. It helped justify his anger that it was true that what Severus had done was dreadfully wrong, but it wasn't unexpected. He'd known Severus wasn't ready to be involved in a sexual relationship that night on the quidditch pitch, and he'd still pushed, because it was what he'd wanted.
