"You haven't had to use your magic to stop my nightmares for nearly three weeks now, have you?" Severus questioned.
Harry gave a negative shake of his head as he softly answered, "No, you've been sleeping the night through on your own lately."
He knew he should be overjoyed about that. Severus was finally getting better. They should be celebrating the event. Instead, it made him feel as if he were living on borrowed time.
Severus' next words were, of course, the ones Harry had been fearing for weeks. "Perhaps it is time we dispensed with the monitoring?"
"I suppose you're right. You're doing much better." Harry tried to sound happy about it, but he could barely meet those dark eyes in his disappointment. If Severus were better, there would be no reason for him to stay down in the dungeons. They mightn't be having sex, but he didn't want to lose being so close to Severus.
"Thanks to you."
The softness in that deep voice brought Harry's gaze to that sun-bathed, strong-boned face. They had stopped at the edge of the woods. Severus was looking right at him. He couldn't help but wonder what Severus was reading in his face. Finding his voice, he offered the words he needed to say. They were true, if tinged with regret. "There's nothing to thank me for. It was my pleasure."
"I beg to differ. I have you to thank for my sanity. That was no small gift you gave me."
"I don't want your gratitude," Harry quickly denied, afraid of falling into the same category his dad had all those years ago when he'd saved Severus.
"I know," Severus surprised him by saying. "I just wanted you to know that your efforts are . . . appreciated."
Recognizing how hard it was for Severus to openly speak of his feelings, Harry quickly repeated, "Like I said, it was my pleasure." He knew what the logical progression of this discussion would be. Part of him wanted to avoid the issue entirely, make Severus address it if it were going to be dealt with, but . . . he knew how hard Severus was working to regain his mental and emotional stability. It wasn't fair to lay that burden on him now. Deciding to make it easy for Severus, he brought up the difficult topic himself, "I, er, guess you're going to want me to move back up to Gryffindor Tower now."
They'd reached the forest path and were now out of sight of the school and Hagrid's hut. The shade of the huge trees was obscuring most of the sunlight.
Harry's gaze dropped to the well-worn trail underfoot. He could see a line of black ants marching over last year's dried leaves beside his right trainer.
"Harry?"
There was a quality in Severus' voice that he'd rarely heard before. It was almost tender. His gaze drawn by that anomaly, he met those dark eyes. "Yes?"
"I didn't bring this subject up to throw you out," Severus said.
"You didn't?"
Severus gave a negative shake of his head. "No."
"Oh . . . ." Relief swamping through him, he muttered, "Er, thanks. I was afraid you'd want me to clear out as soon as you were better."
"You should. We both know that it would be better for you," Severus said, something very like guilt in his eyes.
Maybe it was the fact that they were outside in natural light for a change, but Harry truly felt he could read everything that had motivated those words in Severus' troubled gaze.
"Nothing could be better for me than being with you," Harry gently countered.
"You are a young man with a healthy sexual appetite. You are tying yourself to a virtual eunuch through our association," Severus said.
"You're not a eunuch," Harry swiftly corrected. "You've been horribly hurt, and it's taking a while to heal, but you're getting better every day."
"And you are once again viewing this situation through rose-coloured, Gryffindor glasses," Severus accused. "I am . . . damaged. There is every possibility that I'll never -"
Unable to bear hearing that bilge wash one more time, Harry took the kind of gamble that had left him sitting on his arse in the dirt more than once. He reached up, hooked his hand around the back of Severus' skull, pulled his head down, and covered those 'damaged' lips with his own.
He didn't know what to expect. Although he'd often kissed Severus' head, brow, or cheek when they were in bed together, he hadn't kissed his lips passionately like this since before Severus was abducted. His conscience was shrieking at him, warning him how selfish he was being here. He knew Severus was nowhere near ready for sex. This was . . . dangerous. He could set his lover back months with this grandstanding.
Only . . . Severus wasn't freaking. His mouth was frozen with palpable shock during those first few seconds of contact, but then all resistance seemed to crumble. For a moment, Severus kissed him back.
It was . . . perfect. Harry's entire being seemed to pulse with power and reach for Severus as he sampled his sweet flavour. So long, it had been so fucking long. His whole body ached to be closer, to surround Severus and show him how much he was loved.
Harry felt the instant Severus' mind caught up with what was going on. Every muscle in that long body seemed to turn to stone.
Before any true panic could set in, Harry pulled back. His own breathing terribly unsteady, he said, "You're not a eunuch and you're not damaged, at least not permanently so. Right now you're not ready for what we used to do, but the day will come when you will be. I'm going to be right here beside you when that happens."
Too tempted by the stunned expression on Severus' face, Harry started to quickly walk towards the part of the forest Severus had enchanted. His heart and conscience were at odds with what he'd just done. He knew Severus was still terribly fragile, but . . . Severus needed to know that what Burke had done to him hadn't destroyed him. He only hoped he hadn't been too rash with that kiss.
While he could see on a daily basis how uninterrupted rest was healing Severus physically, he really didn't know what Severus was going through emotionally. His lover had never been a talker at the best of times. Words had never really worked for them. Harry knew he could offer verbal reassurance until he was blue in the face and Severus still wouldn't believe that he'd ever get better, that they could ever go back to what they'd been. But the emotions that kiss had stirred, that was something Severus wasn't going to be able to ignore.
When Severus joined him a minute or so later, Harry took a surreptitious survey of his face. To his intense relief, Severus didn't appear to be undergoing any great trauma.
When those dark eyes caught him looking, Harry gave a sheepish smile and said, "I, er, probably shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. Are you upset with me?"
"No," Severus answered.
"That's good. Thank you."
"For?" Severus sounded genuinely puzzled.
"Not running screaming in horror?" Harry suggested. "I really shouldn't have taken that kind of chance."
Severus was quiet a moment. When he spoke, he sounded as if he weren't sure he should. "No one in their right mind would run screaming in horror from your kiss. I know I'm not exactly in my right mind these days, but . . . ."
"You're getting there," Harry said, laying his hand on Severus' back as they walked through the forest. He felt like a teenager again, his heart buzzing at the compliment Severus had just paid him.
There was no path to Severus' out-of-season wonderland, but Harry was achingly familiar with the route. They'd been here dozens of times before January. He couldn't count how often they'd made love amidst the fragrant ferns on the damp forest floor. The woods were covered with them at the moment.
The entire forest looked like that charmed section now, green and bursting with life. As Harry walked through the sun-dappled shadows beneath the great trees, he breathed in the sweet scent of the pine needles and the crunchy carpet of dead leaves underfoot. The pines were massive here, as were the ancient oaks.
In a short time, they were at the section of forest Severus had enchanted.
"It looks no different from the rest of the woods," Harry commented, taking in the green oak leaves on a nearby tree.
"Yes, it's strange. The adult cicadas should have died some time in January. I'd expected the trees to still be leafless," Severus said.
"Maybe they lost their leaves in January and this is new growth," Harry suggested as he led the way to the fern-covered deadfall by the stream where they had first kissed. Though rife with bittersweet memories, it was still his favourite place.
Harry took a seat on the huge trunk of the dead pine nearest the stream, breathing the heady scent of the damp wood deep into his lungs.
Severus settled beside him on the log, his dark gaze on the nearly hypnotic movement of the stream a few yards in front of them.
When their eyes met, Harry thought he could see the same memories moving through Severus that were twisting him up inside with loss.
"This is where we started," Harry said. "We were standing right in front of this log when you kissed me."
"It feels very far away now, doesn't it?"
Part of him had expected Severus to take issue with his comment. After that impulsive kiss, he knew any reference to their former relationship was pushing things, but Severus sounded as sad as he felt.
"Not so far away," Harry gently countered. He took comfort from the fact that Severus didn't expound upon how damaged he was again. Thinking that this might finally be the right time to broach some of the issues they'd both been avoiding these last few weeks, he said, "We've never really talked about the future. I know you're still not feeling up to par, but I was wondering . . . well, I guess what I was wondering was if you wanted things to be the way they used to be between us? I mean, obviously, not now, but . . . in the future. I realize that just because my feelings for you haven't changed, the reverse isn't necessarily true."
Till now, Harry had been afraid to voice this question, mostly because he knew there was every possibility that Severus would dash his hopes out of spite or out of misplaced concern for his wellbeing.
Severus released a long breath.
Stealing a glance at his face, all Harry could see was uncertainty.
"We don't have to talk about this now, if you'd rather not," Harry quickly offered.
"No, after all I've put you through, you have the right to know," Severus answered. "I recognize that this . . . limbo we've been existing in these last few months hasn't been easy for you."
The Severus he'd dealt with in March wouldn't have been able to look outside himself like this. Cheered by this example of how much healthier Severus was, he softly denied, "You haven't put me through anything. Burke put us both through hell. He's responsible, not you, not me."
"Nevertheless, you have suffered greatly on my behalf -"
"We've both suffered," Harry corrected him. "You don't owe me anything because of what we've been through. I'm here with you because that's where I want to be. I'm being selfish here."
"Selfish?" Severus questioned, sounding as if he'd never heard the word before.
"Entirely." Feeling as if he were going to fall into the bottomless depths of those black eyes, Harry said, "So, don't feel compelled to do anything you're not up to."
"I think I'm up to conversation," Severus said with that urbane edge that got to Harry every time. After a pause, he continued with, "You asked if my feelings towards you had changed."
Harry's gut tightened with dread. As much as he loved the man, he still couldn't read him. Finding his voice, he said, "Yeah."
"They have."
Harry tried to be brave, but he felt as if his whole world were crumbling around him, which, of course, it was. "Oh . . . ."
That was all he could manage. His gaze dropped to the ferns growing out of last year's leaves underfoot. He couldn't even think what this would mean to his future, not that there would be any future worth having without Severus.
"They have deepened," Severus said into that horrible silence, his voice soft and perhaps a bit contrite.
Harry's chin jerked back up. "What?"
"Please understand. In my entire life, there was never anyone who . . . loved me, including my parents. I honestly did not believe that anyone could, but . . . your behaviour has forced me to accept that you . . . truly do. I don't understand it. I probably never will, but . . . it is the saving grace of my life."
Thunderstruck, Harry could only stare at Severus. He hadn't expected that.
Seeing the nervousness edge its way into Severus' features, he quickly said, "You're still my miracle."
The huff of breath Severus released expressed his reaction perfectly.
Harry grinned at the astonishment Severus was attempting to hide. When his smile had faded, he asked, "So, does that mean you want us to be the way we used to be?"
He knew he sounded like a halfwit, but he still wasn't able to ask directly if Severus thought he might want to have sex with him again in the future.
Fortunately, Severus was a bit quicker at interpreting him than he was at understanding Severus.
"I don't know when or even if I will be . . . ready, as you put it before. But . . . I would very much like to regain what was stolen from me," Severus said.
It was like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders with those words. Reading how worried Severus seemed about his ability to recover, Harry assured, "We'll get there." He could see in Severus' eyes that his lover had no such faith. When Severus made no protest to his optimistic assurance, he questioned, "Can I ask you something?" Once he'd received a nod, he ploughed ahead with, "When I kissed you before, everything seemed okay for a moment or so, and then . . . ."
Something that looked like shame crossed Severus' face before it stilled into its normal bland expression. "My body just . . . froze. I knew it was you, and that there was absolutely no threat involved, but I still couldn't control . . . ."
