That night he left a message on her machine. Norah's heart had quickened, stirred at his voice. Still, when the tape ended, she had forced herself to sit down and count up her affairs—short-lived and long, passionate and detached, bitter and amicable—over the years.
Four. She had written the number down, dark blunt streaks of graphite on the edge of the morning paper. Upstairs, water was dripping in the tub. Paul was in the family room, playing the same chord over and over again on his guitar. David was outside, work?ing in his darkroom—so much space between them, always. Norah had walked into each of her affairs with a sense of hope and new be?ginnings, swept up in the rush of secret meetings, of novelty and surprise. After Howard, two more, transitory and sweet, followed by one other, longer. Each had begun at moments when she thought the roar of silence in her house would drive her mad, when the mysterious universe of another presence, any presence, had seemed to her like solace.
"Norah, please, just listen," Sam was saying now: a forceful man, something of a bully in negotiations, a person she didn't even par?ticularly like. In the reception room, Bree turned to glance at her, inquiring, impatient. Yes, Norah gestured through the glass, she would hurry. They had courted this IBM account for almost a year; she would certainly hurry. "I just want to ask about Paul," Sam was insisting. "If you've heard anything. Because I'm here for you, okay? Do you hear what I'm saying, Norah? I'm totally, absolutely, here for you."
"I hear you," she said, angry with herself—she didn't want Sam talking about her son. Paul had been gone for twenty-four hours now; a car three blocks down was missing too. She'd watched him leave after that strained scene on the porch, trying to remember what she'd said, what he'd overheard, pained at the confusion on his face. David had done the right thing, giving Paul his blessing, but somehow that too, the very strangeness of it, had made the moment worse. She'd watched Paul run off, carrying his guitar, and she'd nearly gone after him. But her head ached, and she'd let herself think that maybe he needed some time to work this out on his own. Plus, surely, he wouldn't go far—where could he go, after all?
"Norah?" Sam said. "Norah, are you okay?"
She closed her eyes briefly. Ordinary sunlight warmed her face. Sam's bedroom windows were full of prisms, and on this brilliant morning light and color would be shifting, alive, on every surface. It's like making love in a disco, she'd told him once, half complaining, half enchanted, long shafts of color moving on his arms, her own pale skin. That day, as on every day since they'd met, Norah had in?tended to end things. Then Sam had traced the shaft of variegated light on her thigh with his finger, and slowly she'd felt her own sharp edges begin to soften, to blur, her emotions bleeding one into another in mysterious sequence, from darkest indigo to gold, reluc?tance transforming, mysteriously, to desire.
Still, the pleasure never lasted past the drive home.
"I'm focusing on Paul right now," she said, and then, sharply, she added, "Look, Sam, I've had it, actually. I was serious the other day. Don't call me again."
"You're upset."
"Yes. But I mean it. Don't call me. Never again."
She hung up. Her hand was trembling; she pressed it flat on her desk. She felt Paul's disappearance like a punishment: for David's long anger, for her own. The car he'd stolen had been found de?serted on a side street in Louisville last night, but there had been no trace of Paul. And so she and David were waiting, moving help?lessly through the silent layers of their house. The girl from West Virginia was still sleeping on the pull-out sofa in the den. David never touched her, hardly even spoke to her except to ask if she needed anything. And yet Norah sensed something between the two of them, an emotional connection, alive and positively charged, which pierced her as much, perhaps more, than any physical affair would have done.
Bree knocked on the glass, then opened the door a few inches.
"Everything okay? Because Neil's here, from IBM."
"I'm fine," Norah said. "How are you doing? Are you okay?"
"It's good for me to be here," Bree said brightly, firmly. "Espe?cially with everything else that's going on."
Norah nodded. She had called Paul's friends, and David called the police. All night and into this morning she had paced the house in her bathrobe, drinking coffee and imagining every possible di?saster. The chance to come to work, to put at least part of her mind on something else, had felt like sanctuary. "I'll be right there," she said.
The phone started ringing again as she stood, and Norah let a rush of weary anger push her through the door. She would not let Sam rattle her, she would not let him ruin this meeting, she would not. Her other affairs had ended differently, swiftly or slowly, ami?cably or not, but none with this element of uneasiness. Never again, she thought to herself. Let this be finished, and never again.
She hurried through the lobby, but Sally stopped her at the recep?tion desk, holding out the phone. "You'd better take this, honey," she said. Norah knew at once; she took the receiver, trembling.
"They found him." David's voice was quiet. "The police just called. They found him in Louisville, shoplifting. Our son was caught stealing cheese."
"He's okay, then," she said, releasing a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding all this time, blood rushing back into her finger?tips. Oh! She'd been half dead and hadn't known it.
"Yes, he's fine. Hungry, apparently. I'm on my way to get him. Do you want to come ?"
"Maybe I should go. I don't know, David. You might say the wrong thing." You stay here with your girlfriend, she almost added.
He sighed. "I wonder what would be the right thing to say, Norah? I'd really like to know. I'm proud of him, and I told him that. He ran away and stole a car. So what, I wonder, would be the right thing to say ?"
Too little, too late, she wanted to say. And what about your girl?friend? But she said nothing.
"Norah, he's eighteen. He stole a car. He has to take responsibility."
"You're fifty-one," she snapped. "So do you."
There was a silence then; she imagined him standing in his office, so reassuring in his white coat, his hair alive with silver. No one seeing him would imagine the way he'd come back home: unshaven, his clothes torn and filthy, a pregnant girl in a shabby black coat by his side.
"Look, just give me the address," she said. "I'll meet you there."
"He's at the police station, Norah. Central booking. Where do you think, the zoo? But sure, hang on. I'll give you the address."
As Norah was writing it down, she looked up to see Bree closing the front door behind Neil Simms.
"Paul's okay?" Bree asked.
Norah nodded, too moved, too relieved, to speak. Hearing his name had made the news real. Paul was safe, maybe in handcuffs but safe. Alive. The office staff, hovering in the reception room, began to clap, and Bree crossed the room to hug her. So thin, Norah thought, tears in her eyes; her sister's shoulder blades were delicate and sharp, like wings.
"I'll drive," Bree said, taking her arm. "Come on. Tell me as we go."
Norah let herself be led down the hall and into the elevator, to the car in the garage. Bree drove through the crowded downtown streets while Norah talked, relief rushing through her like a wind.
"I can't believe it," she said. "I was awake all night. I know Paul's an adult now. I know in a few months he'll be off to college, and I won't have a clue where he is at any given moment. But I couldn't stop worrying."
"He's still your baby."
"Always. It's hard, letting him go. Harder than I thought."
The were passing the low dull buildings of IBM, and Bree waved at them. "Hey, Neil," she said. "Be seeing you soon."
"All that work." Norah sighed.
"Oh, don't worry. We won't lose the account," Bree said. "I was very, very charming. And Neil's a family man. He's also, I suspect, the sort who likes a damsel in distress."
"You're setting back the cause," Norah retorted, remembering Bree in the filtered light of the dining room long ago, waving pam?phlets on lactation.
Bree laughed. "Not at all. I've just learned to work with what I have. We'll get the account, don't worry."
Norah didn't reply. White fences flashed and blurred against the lush grass. Horses stood calmly in their fields; tobacco barns, weath?ered gray, were set against one hillside, then another. Early spring, Derby time soon, the redbuds bursting into bloom. They crossed the Kentucky River, muddy and glinting. In a field just beyond the bridge a single daffodil waved, a bright flash of beauty, gone. How many times had she traveled this road, the wind in her hair, the Ohio River luring her with its promise, its swift and undulating beauty? She had given up the gin, the windswept drives; she had bought this travel business and made it grow; she had changed her life. But a realization came to her now clearly, suddenly, like a harsh new light in the room: she had never stopped running. To San Juan and Bangkok, London and Alaska. Into the arms of Howard and the others, all the way to Sam and to this moment.
"I can't lose you, Bree." she said. "I don't know how you're being so calm about everything, because I feel like I've run into a wall." She remembered David saying the same thing yesterday, standing in the driveway, trying to explain why he'd brought young Rose?mary home. What had happened to him in Pittsburgh, to leave him so changed ?
"I'm calm," Bree said, "because you're not going to lose me."
"Good. I'm glad you're so sure. Because I couldn't stand it."
They drove in silence for a few miles.
"Do you remember that ratty old blue sofa I had?" Bree asked at last.
"Vaguely," Norah said, wiping her eyes. "What about it?"
A tobacco barn, another, and a long stretch of green.
"I always thought it was so beautiful, that sofa. Then one day—it was during a really bleak time in my life—the light was coming in the room differently, snow outside or something, and I realized that old sofa was utterly decrepit, only held together by dust. I knew I had to make some changes." She glanced across the car, smiling. "So I came to work for you."
"A bleak time?" Norah repeated. "I always imagined your life was so glamorous. Next to mine, anyway. I didn't know you went through a bleak time, Bree. What happened?"
"It doesn't matter. It's ancient history. But I was awake last night too. I have the same kind of feeling: something's changing. It's funny how things seem different, suddenly. This morning I found myself staring at the light coming in the kitchen window. It made a long rectangle on the floor, and the shadows of new leaves were moving in it, making all their patterns. Such a simple thing, but it was beautiful."
Norah studied Bree's profile, remembering her as she had been, carefree, bold, and assured in her boldness, standing on the steps of the administration building. Where had that young girl gone? How had she become this woman, so lean and determined, so forceful and so solitary?
"Oh, Bree," Norah managed, at last.
"It's not a death sentence, Norah." Bree was speaking crisply now, focused and determined, as if she were giving an overview of accounts receivable. "More like a wake-up call. I did some reading, and my chances really are very good. And I was thinking this morning that if there's not a support group for women like me, I'm going to start one."
Norah smiled. "That sounds just like you. That's the most reas?suring thing you've said yet." They drove in silence for a few min?utes longer, and then Norah added, "But you didn't tell me. All those years ago, when you were unhappy. You never told me."
"Right," Bree said. "I'm telling you now."
Norah put her hand on Bree's knee, feeling her sister's heat, her thinness.
"What can I do?"
"Just go on, day by day. I'm on the prayer list at church, and that helps."
Norah looked at her sister, her short stylish hair, her sharp pro?file, wondering how to respond. About a year ago Bree had started attending a small Episcopalian church near her home. Norah had gone with her once, but the service, with its complex rituals of kneeling and standing, prayer and silence, had made her feel inept, an outsider. She had sat stealing glances at the others in the pews, wondering what they were feeling, what had made them get out of bed and come here to church on this beautiful Sunday morning. It was hard to see any mystery, hard to see anything but the clear light and a group of tired, hopeful, dutiful people. She'd never gone back, but now she found herself suddenly, fiercely grateful for whatever solace her sister had gathered, for whatever she'd found in that quiet church that Norah hadn't seen.
The world flashed by: grass, trees, sky. Then, increasingly, build?ings. They had entered Louisville now, and Bree was merging into the heavy traffic on I-71, into swift lanes full of rushing cars. The parking lot of the police station was nearly full, shimmering faintly in the noon sun. They got out of the car, their slammed doors echo?ing, and walked along a concrete sidewalk bordered by a series of small tired bushes, through the revolving doors, and into the dim underwater light inside.
Paul was on a bench on the far side of the room, hunched over, his elbows on his knees and his hands dangling loosely between them. Norah's heart caught. She walked past the desk and the offi?cers, wading through that thick sea-green air to her son. It was hot in the room. A fan turned almost imperceptibly against the stained acoustic tiles on the ceiling. She sat down beside Paul on the bench. He hadn't bathed, his hair was thick and greasy, and beneath the stink of sweat and dirty clothes the odor of cigarettes clung to him. Acrid, sharp smells, the smells of a man. His fingers were calloused, tough from the guitar. He had his own life now, his secret life. It humbled her suddenly to find he was so much his own person. Of her, yes, always that, but no longer hers.
