Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!!
Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!
Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!!
Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?
Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!
Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)
Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them!
(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.)
Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)
Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the gang.)
Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!
Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!
Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just... I just... Kinda...
Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.
(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)
Joey: Thank you!
Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.
Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!
Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease!
Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!
Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!
Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth!
Rachel: Well, what is the truth?
Ross: Yeah, what's going on?
Phoebe: What's going on?
Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.
Chandler: Well let's....let's see what everybody thinks of that?
Monica: Oh no!
Ross: You slept with my sister?
Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.)
Rachel: Monica, is this true?
Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?
Monica: Yes it's true.
Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?
Joey: Ahh-oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica?
Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.
Ross: My God Monica!!
Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?
Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!
Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.
Joey: That makes sense!
Rachel: And the video camera?
Joey: Uhh, Monica?
Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.
Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed.
Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?!
Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.
Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.]
Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off.
A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica?
Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her!
Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week!
All: A test?!!
Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have essay questions!!
End
510 The One With The Inappropriate Sister
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There's nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There's one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
Joey: Why are you doing this?
Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I've already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.
Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You've got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven't you ever been unemployed?
Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
Joey: Hey, don't get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here...sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?!
Ross: So what, we just sit?
Joey: Ohh, no, no. We're not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.
Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you.
Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It's been six months! It's not funny!
Joey: But, I love you.
Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)
Joey: And that's Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?
Chandler: The British are coming?
Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it's Christmastime. I'm going to be one of those people collection donations.
All: Ohh.
Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket.
Chandler: Ohh.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I'm going to do the whole city.
Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler laughs.)
Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing?
Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I'm the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.
Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there's Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he's not interested. Ohh, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him. We've forgotten who he is.
Danny: Hey guys.
All: Hey Danny.
Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She's nice. She's not bad to look at, right?
Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
Danny: Well, of course.
Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?
Rachel: Monica!!!
Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay?
Monica: Friday's perfect...She can't wait.
Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)
Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don't answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.
[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]
Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.
Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available.
Joey: She's a woman!
Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.
Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else?
Estelle: Well, you're just going to say no again but...gay porn.
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]
Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)
Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.
Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.
Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out.
Phoebe: Oh, thanks!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Wow!
(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)
Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive.
Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)
Phoebe: Just get your nails done?
Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)
Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.)
(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)
Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.
(The man starts to take some change out.)
Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.
The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus.
Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.
The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!
Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still...
The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just... (She scowls at him.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]
Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!
Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys?
Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?
(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)
Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!
Ross: Or that.
Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.
Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.
Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Thanks!
Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.
Joey: Done!
Ross: And it can't be Joey.
Joey: It's not.
Ross: Or Joseph.
Joey: (disappointed) Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe.]
Monica: Hey, what's up?
Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.
Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!
Monica: You had no relationship!!
Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!
Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl.
Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.
(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)
Monica: Come on, hurry!
(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back out.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.]
Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?
Chandler: Why?
Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.
(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)
Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.
Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!
Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.
Joey: Don't stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!
(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)
Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.
Chandler: You wanna play?
Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.
Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.
Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?
Chandler: I'm intrigued.
Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.
Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back.
Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.
Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.)
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket.]
Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.
(Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)
Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't... (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!
(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)
Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]
