[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should-I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
Joey: Yeah but I didn't read anything.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]
Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica: No.
Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me-just say, "I don't like your massages."
Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.
Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.
Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!
Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.
Chandler: What?
Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.
Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.
Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.
Monica: I'm crying here!!
Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?
Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!
Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?
Chandler: Absolutely!
Monica: Okay. I suck!
Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]
Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.
Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.
Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just-I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.
Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.
Phoebe: Okay.
Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?
Phoebe: Huh?
Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?
Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah-no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.
Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's-ew used. Umm, cool.
Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?
Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.
Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Sr.: It really says that?!
Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)
Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.
Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?
Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm... Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)
Phoebe: What?!
Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?
Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?
Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)
Frank Sr.: She what?!
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.
Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just-I can't believe this. How-how-Oh my God. How long ago?
Phoebe: 17 years ago.
Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
(Silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!
Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don't, I don't know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.
Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.
Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?
Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn't matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.
Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's a defense?
Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!
Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.)
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
Why won't you go to sleep?
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)
Yeah.
(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.)
Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm... (Backs away.)
Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)
(She holds his hand for a little while then...)
Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.]
Joey: (dejected) Hi.
All: Hey!
Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?
Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)
Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!
Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.
Ross: What kind of problem?
Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: Nooooo!
Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!
Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.
Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!
Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I'm sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it... (Looks for help.)
Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)
Rachel: ...I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.
Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!
Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a bag, I just-it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.
Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.
End
515 The One Where Everyone Finds Out
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!
(They all run and join her at the window.)
Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!
All: Good idea! Yes!
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!
Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.
Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.
Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!
Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross: (entering) What's going on?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Ross: What?! What?!
Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!
Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or-Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!
Joey: What? What?
Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.
Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)
Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?
Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!
Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.
Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
Joey: I can't take any...
Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!
Rachel: You don't have any secrets!
Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?
Joey: Ugh.
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.
(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft-hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?
Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm-Oh! I can't tell you this.
Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.
Chandler: What's going on?
Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee-Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.
