Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)
The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: What's that supposed to mean?
Rachel: Ross!
The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very...y'know. And you're like...y'know.
Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
The Salesman: Really? You two?
Ross: Yeah! Rach?
Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
Ross: Then tell him quickly.
Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.
Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!
(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)
[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.]
Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking Woman: Yes?
Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!
The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.
Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.
The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.
Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!
The Smoking Woman: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.
The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?
Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!
Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!
The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.
Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!
[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]
Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?
Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.
(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)
Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!
Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Good-good-good.
Rachel: Oh-oh!
(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)
Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?
(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)
Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]
Phoebe: ...so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!
Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!
Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.
Chandler: Hi, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be here.
Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)
Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing!
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!
Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don't want to talk about it.
Joey: Well, it involved Monica.
Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.
Monica: What was the dream about?
Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me!
Joey: It-it doesn't?
Monica: No!
Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.
Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.
Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.
Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
Monica: Um-hmm.
Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
Joey: (looks at her) Not really.
Chandler: Well there you have it!
Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!
Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?
Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.
Monica: You become friends after?
Joey: No, never done that either.
Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)
Monica: (laughing) That's right.
(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)
Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?
Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?
(Rachel is stunned.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?
Guy: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.
Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)
Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!
Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)
Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.
Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?
Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
Cop: No, I don't know him.
Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.
Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.]
Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.
(He starts staring at her longingly.)
Rachel: Thanks!
Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.
Rachel: What's up Joe?
Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great...
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: ...is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So...
Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?
Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.
Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)
Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm... No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.
Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!
[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]
Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so...
Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)
Ross: Oh, that's me.
Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!
Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.
(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)
Rachel: Okay!
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Come on, Chandler.
(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)
Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!
(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)
Ross: All right, ready?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Turn.
Chandler: (straining) Okay.
Ross: Turn! Turn!
(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)
Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!
Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.
Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!
Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
(They set the couch down.)
Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.
Chandler and Rachel: You think?!
Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.
(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)
Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!
Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!
Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)
Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
Joey: Uhh, well, she's...really good in bed.
Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!
Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!
Rachel: What?! Why?!
Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!
