Monica: What about the closeness?
Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]
Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!
Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!
(They all walk over to get a slice.)
Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)
Monica: Who is it?
Voice: N.Y.P.D!!
Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!
Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!
(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)
Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!
Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!
Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!
Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!
Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?
Phoebe: Me?!
Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Chandler and Joey: Nice!
Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!
Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer...
Cop: Gary.
Phoebe: Gary.
Gary: Okay, so it's a date.
Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?
Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.
Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.
Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.
Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!
Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.
(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)
Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]
Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]
The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!
Ross: That's what I'm telling you.
The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?
Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!
Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.
The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
Ross: (thinks) I take it.
End
518 The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]
Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!
Ross: Hey! What's up?
Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!
All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!
Rachel: I know!
Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!
Rachel: Wh-what?!
Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?
Rachel: O-okay!
Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
(They shake hands.)
Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.
Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)
Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)
Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?
Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.
(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]
Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?
Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.
(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)
Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.
Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!
Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor...
Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?
Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)
[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]
Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?
Joey: This is your place?
Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)
Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]
Joey: Ugh!!
Monica: What happened?
Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.)
Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.
(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]
Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.
Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!
Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.
Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!
Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!
Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.
Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)
Gary: Bye-bye.
Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!
(Gary closes the door behind him.)
Phoebe: Oh God!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!
Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.
Monica: I know it is the best.
Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?
Monica: What? It's still going on.
Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?
Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.
Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.
Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don't you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!
Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just-I misspoke. It's okay.
Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!
Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.
Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]
Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!
Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?
Rachel: No!
Chandler: So what happened?
Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!
Joey: What happened?
Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me... Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh... (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.)
Joey: You kissed him?!
Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!
Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.
Rachel: Thanks Chandler.
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!
Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!
Monica: Yes!
Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?
Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?
Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?
Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"
Chandler: Come on, Rach.
Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?
Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.
Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know-Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!
Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!
Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.
Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)
Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)
[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]
Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!
Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.
(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)
The Old Man: Yes?
Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?
The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?
The Little Girl: Daddy!!
Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!
[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]
Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Mr. Zelner: Come on in.
(They go inside.)
Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.
Rachel: Thank you.
Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh... (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)
Rachel: What?
Mr. Zelner: Just ah... (He points again.)
Rachel: Excuse me?
Mr. Zelner: Here let me... (He goes to wipe it off himself.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)
