[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]
Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!
(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)
Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?
Ross: You got ink on your lip.
Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh....
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]
Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?
Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.
Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you... (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)
Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.
Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?
Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.
Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!
Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?
Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?
Chandler: Uh, yeah.
Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}
Chandler: Why?
Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
Chandler: Ohh, so?
Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!
Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]
Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!
(A man walks up.)
The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.
Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?
(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)
Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.
The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.
Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)
The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.
Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm...
The Hot Girl: Jen.
Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little...(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or...
Jen: Sure! That would be nice.
Ross: Umm?
Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.
Ross: I will give you a call.
Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)
Ross: Okay!
(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)
Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]
Chandler: That was amazing!
Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.
Chandler: No, you're the best.
Monica: No, you're the best.
Chandler: No, you're the best.
Monica: I am the best.
(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)
Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)
Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?
Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.
Monica: Why?
Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.
Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!
Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.
Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.
Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.
[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]
Ross: So uhh, you ready?
Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?
Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey...
Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)
[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.]
Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.
Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.
Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.
Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.
Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr...
Mr. Zelner: Zelner.
Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.
Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?
Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.
Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh... Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?
Mr. Zelner: Yes!
Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that-I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so-Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.]
Phoebe: You tired Chandler?
Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?
Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.
Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.
Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.
Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so...
Monica: You didn't!
Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!
Monica: The park huh? A public place.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)
[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?
Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!
Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!
Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!
Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!
Chandler: (gasps) So?
Monica: I feel really sad that we're not...really there anymore.
Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?
Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?
Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)
Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)
Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.
Monica: Did not.
Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!
Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]
[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!
Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!
Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?
Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.
(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)
Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)
End
519 The One Where Rachel Smokes
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card.
Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)
Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?
Chandler: Oh yes.
Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)
Chandler: (pause) Yes.
(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)
Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!
Ross: Hi!
Chandler: Hi there!
Ben: Hi!!
Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!
Phoebe: What are you talking about?!
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings...
Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!
Chandler: That.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!
Joey: Luck!
Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?
Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day...
Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.
Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.
Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!
All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)
Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.
