Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.
Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.
Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!
Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!
Joey: Done.
Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?
Monica: I would love to do it together!
(Joey starts to giggle.)
Joey: They're gonna do it together.
Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!
Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?
Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.
Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)
Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.
Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
Ross: You're not his godfather.
Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!
Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.
Joey: All right!
(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)
[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
Ross: Really? That's great!
Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her...
Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad....
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)
Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.
[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.]
Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?
Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.
Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.
Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!
Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.
Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?
(They all get up to leave.)
Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?
Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories...(stops and tries to change directions)...about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]
Rachel: ...and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!
Monica: That doesn't seem fair.
Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!
Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.
Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?
Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.
Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.
Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?
Rachel: I would love to!
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.
Phoebe: Oh good.
(They all start out.)
Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)
Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at that.
Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.
Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?
Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay...
Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: (Thinks) Cups.
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice!
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!
Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant...
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!
Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.
Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!
Ross: Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"
Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.
Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?
Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]
Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?
Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.
Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.
Rachel: Oh great!
Kim: So anyway we really... (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you.
Nancy: Oh, sorry!
Rachel: Oh that's okay.
Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)
Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line.
Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!
(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)
Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually... (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?
Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Oh, me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.
[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream ) callback.]
Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?
Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so...
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Joey: Who knows?
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!
Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!
Ross: Yeah!
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.
Ross: Yeah, it is.
Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.
Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.
Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]
Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?
Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: Umm, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once...didn't get a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.
Ross: What's up?
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.
Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!
Ross: Well, you just...
Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!
Ross: What?!
Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!
Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)
Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.
Joey: At least I care about his feelings!
Ross: What?!
Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn't get it?
Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?
Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!
Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?
Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!
Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!
Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!
Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!
Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?
Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.
Monica: You stink!
Rachel: Thanks!
Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!
Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.
Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!
Rachel: I did not!
Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!
Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!
Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career...
Monica: That's so gross!
Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.
Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!
Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)
Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]
Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
Nancy: Absolutely!
Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)
Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?
Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.
Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.
Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)
Nancy: Tell me about it!
Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!
Kim: It does sound appealing.
Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.
Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!
Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!
Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)
Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.
Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)
[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]
Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!
Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?
