Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.
Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)
Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!
Joey: (angrily) Ross!
Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)
Joey: Hi!
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
Joey: Uh-oh.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Oh, what did I say?
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says...)
Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
Joey: Okay.
(They do it again.)
Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!
Raymond: COME ON!!!!
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!
Kim: Uh-oh, busted!
Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!
Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.
Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!
Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?
Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don't you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.
Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.
Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)
Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.
Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)
Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!
Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!
(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!
Chandler: Awesome!
Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!
Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!
Monica: Y'know...go! Go! Right there! (Points)
Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)
(Rachel enters.)
Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!
All: Surprise!!
Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month!
Monica: That's the surprise!
Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!
(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)
All: Surprise!
Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.
Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.
Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.
[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.
Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)
Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!
Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)
Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.
Joey: What you do mean?
Ross: I think, sub-consciously...
Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.
Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.
Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor...
Ross: No!
Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.
Ross: There you go. Thank you!
Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?
Ross: No.
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?
Ending Credits
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]
Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.
Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.
Chandler: Okay, great.
(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)
Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)
Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)
End
520 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?
Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.
Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?
Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!
Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.
Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.
Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.
Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.
(The duck starts quacking.)
Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.
Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!
Chandler: Okay, bye!
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
Ross: What the hell was that?!
Chandler: What?
Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"
Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.
Ross: Yeah, right.
Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)
Ross: (backing away) I'm good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!
Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?
Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.
Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.
(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!
Rachel: What's going on?
Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!
Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.
Ross: Well...
Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?
(Ross looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.
Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little...
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.
Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.
Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!
Rachel: Big night!
Phoebe: This is so cool!
Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!
Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.
Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.
(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)
Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so...
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!
Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)
Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London...
Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)
Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?
Chandler: The one that doesn't.
Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.
Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?
Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!
Phoebe: But I like it here!
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.
Monica: Great!
Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.
Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on...)
Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?
Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)
Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!
Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?
Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?
Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!
Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.
Phoebe: These are her earrings.
Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!
[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]
Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
(His grandmother asks him something.)
Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.
Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?
Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!
Monica: It's a diaper commercial.
Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Caitlin: Pizza delivery!
Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)
Caitlin: Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
