Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him.
Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me.
Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London.
Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.)
Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?
Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out.
All: Sorry.
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.
Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already!
Rachel: Well...
(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.")
Gunther: (To the guy) Get out!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.]
Monica: What took you so long?
Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.
Monica: Oh, good.
(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)
Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)
Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?!
Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London.
Rachel: That's not European!
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.
(Joey is intrigued.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.]
Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time!
Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside?
Dave: Yeah!
Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second.
Dave: Okay, yeah!
(She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.)
Rachel: Umm, hi!
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something.
Ross: She's doing her laundry.
Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.)
Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!
Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful.
Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.
Rachel: But, it's not raining.
Ross: I can't catch a break!
Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave!
Dave: Yeah?
Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now.
Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks.
Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.)
Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?!
Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks!
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?
Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted...tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him.
Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!!
Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that!
Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!
Rachel: Well... (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.)
Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in!
Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble?
Monica: Rachel locked the door.
Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.]
Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel!
[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.]
Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I really need to talk to you.
Rachel: Well, then talk!
Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do?
Rachel: Yes!
Ross: What thing?
Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting.
Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.
Rachel: I'm gonna do it.
Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't.
Rachel: But I...
Monica: Please!
Rachel: All right, fine.
(There's a loud bang on the door.)
Monica: Joey, I'm in!
Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.]
All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs!
Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!
Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?!
Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park!
Phoebe: (excited) Central...(not so excited) Park!
Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day!
Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!"
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just-y'know-stop it!
Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.
Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]
Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!
Joey: Phoebe!
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: Phoebe, woo!
Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi.
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little... Y'know, it didn't have any... It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that?
Joey: Mine!
Ross: Wait! It was my plan.
Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan.
Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City.
Joey: Which, is the new plan!
Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour?
Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off!
(They all go pack except for Ross.)
Monica: Come on Rach, let's go.
Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute.
Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter.
Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care.
Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.)
Rachel: What 'cha readin'?
Ross: The paper.
Rachel: Yeah, what's it about?
Ross: Events from around the globe.
Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong.
Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized...
Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Go ahead.
Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross.
(Ross is stunned.)
Ross: Wow. Umm... Huh... I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)
Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean.
Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"
Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know!
Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this?
Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is...
Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily.
Ross: That is what the thing is.
Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that?
Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you.
Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.)
Ross: No thank you for... Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.]
Ross: Okay, let's go!
Chandler: Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones!
(They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.)
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?
Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke!
The Guys: Ohh!
Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! (She starts out the door.)
All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait!
Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!
Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now.
Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.)
Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.]
Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!
Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.
(They both kiss.)
Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex.
Monica: Do you know anything about women?
Chandler: No.
Monica: That's all right.
Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)
End
503 The One Hundredth
[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.
Nurse: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.
Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?
Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
Nurse: Well...
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Ross: It's all right.
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay...
Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!
(Monica and Chandler come running in.)
Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!
(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
