Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.
Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)
Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.
Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.
Phoebe: Okay!
Gary: All right.
Phoebe: Bye!
Ross and Joey: Bye!
(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)
Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]
Joey: Dude! How come you took off?
Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever...
Joey: Is something wrong?
Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!
Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!
Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.
Chandler: What picture?
Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!
Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!
Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I...knew...you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!
Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.
Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.
Chandler: From a bullet!
Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: Much sense?!
Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!
Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!
Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!
Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.
Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!
Chandler: Really?!
Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.
Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!
(Chandler takes a bite.)
Joey: How good is that?
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!
Joey: See?
Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)
Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!
Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.
Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey! Hi!
Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?
Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!
Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)
Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?
Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!
Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!
Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!
Rachel: (gasps) Really?!
Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I...I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.
Rachel: Because a car backfired?
Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.
Ross: You talked to her?
Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.
Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?
Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?
Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!
Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because-I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me-not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.
Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.
Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?
Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!
Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!
Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?
Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.
Rachel: Well, there you go!
Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.
Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.
Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)
Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)
Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.
Rachel: Oh?
(Ross hits the playback button.)
Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.
Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)
Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.
Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?
(Ross is stunned.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?
Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.
Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.
Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.
Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?
Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.
Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.
Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)
Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.
(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)
End
521 The One With The Ball
[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]
Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?
Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.
Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?
Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.
Chandler: Okay.
(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)
Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?
Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)
[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]
Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?
Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.
Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!
Gary: What do you, what do you think?
Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?
Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?
Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral...
Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)
Phoebe: Okay. Bye!
(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)
Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?
Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!!
Phoebe: What?! Really?!
Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer!
Phoebe: I can't believe this!
Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!
Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!
Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)
Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?
Monica: Ohhhh!
Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!
Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?
Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it-I'll ask you to talk to him!
Chandler: Me?! Why me?
Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a...man!
Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)
Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]
Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?
Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.
Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.
(The game resumes.)
Joey: Hey, what time is it?
Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.
Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?
Ross: Are you serious?!
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys...
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Is Monica here?
Joey and Ross: No.
Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.
Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!
Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?
Joey and Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!
(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)
Ross: What-what is it?!
Joey: What the hell is that?!!
Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!
Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}
Rachel: Yes it is!
Ross: Why is it inside out?!
Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!
Ross: How much did you pay for that?
Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.
Ross: Yeah? How much?
Rachel: A thousand bucks.
Ross: ON A CAT !!!!
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!
Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)
Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?
Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!
Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!
Joey: Okay!
(They throw the ball back and forth once.)
Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.
