Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?
Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)
Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?
Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?
Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!
Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.
Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!
Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)
Rachel: Ohh wow! I'm sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!
Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?
Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)
Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?"
(Ross storms off embarrassed.)
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!
Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals.
Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!
Chandler: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)
Joey: Hi!
Chandler: Love your condoms my man.
Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.
Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?
Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.
Monica: Who are you talking too?
Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.
Chandler: Why?! What happened?!
Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does.
Monica: I'm so sorry.
Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.
Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.
Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.
Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!
Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on?
Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.
Joey: Dawson?!
Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool!
Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!
Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me?
Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!
Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.
Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)
Joey: Aww, there we go.
Phoebe: I love Vegas!
Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.
Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?
Joey: Ooh, so close.
Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!
Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!
Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did!
Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you.
Chandler: Fine with me!
Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.
Monica: No it is not!
Chandler: What are you talking...
Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)
[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.
Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!
Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.
Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too.
Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.
Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.
Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily.
Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!
Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.
Ross: Is that so?
Rachel: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)
[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]
Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right...
Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.
Chandler: Whoa!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!
Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!
Chandler: Good luck!
Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!
Chandler: I see.
(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]
Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!
Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.
Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him.
Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)
Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!
[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)
The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)
Monica: Hmm.
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]
Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)
Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right?
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
Rachel: Ross! What are you... I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)
[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]
Ross: What the? What...
Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!
The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?
Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.
Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride.
Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)
[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]
Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!
Chandler: (totally confused) What?
Joey: My identical hand twin!
Chandler: What's an identical hand twin?
Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!
Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?
Joey: Don't you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Chandler: (totally confused) How?
Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!
Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?
Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.
Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?
Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: I found my identical hand twin!
Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up?
Chandler: No!
Phoebe: But she just came up here!
Chandler: That was Joey!
Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.
Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.
Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.
Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)
Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos... They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)
The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?
Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)
The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.
Ross: Ohh, it was the best!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]
Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)
Rachel: Ahh.
(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)
Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.
Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!
Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)
Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!
Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)
Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
Rachel: Pancho Vila?
Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.")
