Emily: All right.
Ross: All right, did you just say all right?
Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.
Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love!
(She laughs.)
Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.
Ross: Yes, tell me.
Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.
Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.
Ross: Again, very sorry.
Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!
Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.
Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work.
Ross: Oh that is so great! That's...
Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.]
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
Chandler: Yes!
Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!
Monica: Great!
Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: What?! You can't-what did you tell her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.
Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: That's true!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life.
Chandler: That's true!
Monica: No, you cannot.
Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)
(The phone rings.)
Monica: (answering it) Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!
Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.
Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)
Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]
Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs...
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!
Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.
Monica: Yeah, so?
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.
Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)
Chandler: What's your point?
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]
Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.
Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.
Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)
Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?
PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.
Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!
PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to... (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a...)
Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!
Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.
Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]
Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.
Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers...(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel-Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]
Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH...MY...GOD.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!
Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my... When is Joey gonna be home?
Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.
Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)
(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)
Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.
Monica: Okay.
(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)
Monica: Ow!
Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?
Monica: I know!
(He carries her into the hall.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!
Ross: For what?
Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.
Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!
Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.
Rachel: Like what?
Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.
Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.
Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help.
Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to... Hi!
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, ? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.]
Monica: Never done that before.
Chandler: Nope.
End
505 The One With All the Kips
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]
Monica: (quietly) Hi!
Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
Joey: Monica? What time is it?
Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
Joey: But it's dark out.
Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.
Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.
Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.
Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!
Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
Monica: Wait! What about Joey?
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.
Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!
Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.
Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
Monica: No, she's out shopping.
Ross: Damn!
Chandler: What's going on?
Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it.
Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?
Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)
Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?
Ross: I have no idea. I mean... But-but I assure you I will figure it out.
(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)
Joey: Doesn't seem like it's going to work, I mean...
Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!
Joey: Hi!
Chandler: Uh, hey!
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.
Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.
(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)
Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?
Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)
