Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.
(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.
Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)
(Joey puts two and two together.)
Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!
Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)
Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!
(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)
[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]
Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
Joey: How?! When?!
Chandler: It happened in London.
Joey: IN LONDON!!!
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but...
Monica: I know, it's great!
(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading hers.]
Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"
Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count.
Phoebe: Count for what?
Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.
(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)
Joey: I guess I'm done.
Chandler: Fun's over!
Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something!
Rachel: Uh-huh!
Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.
Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.)
End
506 The One With The Yeti
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof!
Monica: What?!
Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it.
Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.
Chandler and Monica: Okay.
Monica: Sorry.
Chandler: Sorry.
(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)
Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that!
Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.
(They both go to her apartment.)
(Pause.)
Joey: I can still hear you!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hello!
Monica: Hey, what's that?
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.
(She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)
Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)
Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink?
Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!
Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.
Ross: How come? Everybody else does.
Gunther: You can't.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things.
Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's-Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new.
Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.
Gunther: I'll take it all.
Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?
Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?
Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.
(Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)
Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?
Monica: Now calm down Joey.
Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!
Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.
Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence...
Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that?
Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.
[Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.]
Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please?
Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron.
Rachel: I want the little round waffles.
Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?
(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!
(She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.)
Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!!
(They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.)
Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!
(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat.
Joey: I'll take it!
Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the coat.)
Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think?
Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.
Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.)
Joey: What's the matter Ross?
Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!
Phoebe: Why?
Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.
Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I love to ride that rail!
Chandler: So you're really okay with this?
Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!
Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.
(Ross exits.)
Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!!
(Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)
Rachel: You guys! You guys!
Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny?
Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.
Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!
[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]
Danny: Yeah?
Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.
Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.
Danny: Okay.
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something.
Danny: Okay.
(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)
Danny: Yesss?
Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it.
Monica: Yeah.
Danny: O-kay!
(He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.)
Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude!
Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you.
Monica: Well you did a little bit.
Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!
Monica: I totally forgive you!
Rachel: Really?
Monica: Yes!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?
Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure!
Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies.
(Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts!
Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated.
Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!
Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.]
Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.)
Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?
Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.
Chandler: So, rocks.
(He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)
Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.)
Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?
Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.
Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?
Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice...
Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!
Ross: Why?
Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy.
Ross: What's going on?
Joey: We all hate Emily!
Phoebe: Nooo!!
Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.
Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.)
Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.
