Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]
Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, I know.
Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault.
(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened.
Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)
Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said.
(Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)
Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.)
Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?
Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I-it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!
[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]
Rachel: Hi!
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
Rachel: What? Yeti-I mean Danny?
Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell.
Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so.... Y'know.
Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me!
Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.
Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!
Danny: Do you?
Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants.
Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)
Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!
Danny: Okay!
(Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.)
Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?
Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good?
Rachel: What?!
Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.
Rachel: Okay. Okay.
Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.
[Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gang comes to apologize.]
Chandler: Uh, Ross?
Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?
Ross: Yep.
Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song.
Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.
Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk.
Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.
Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped by...)
Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you.
Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do.
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song!
Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now.
Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why...
(She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.)
Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.
Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur?
Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today.
Ross: You do, huh?
Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone...
Ross: What are you talking about?
Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been?
Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.
Monica: How did that happen?
Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker.
Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready.
Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room.
All: No! Why?
Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really... I don't mind.
Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh... It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed.
Rachel: Ross, I...
Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!!
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.
Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor...
[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]
Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long!
Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!
(Pause.)
Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together.
Joey: It's almost as if he knew.
(The phone rings.)
Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)
Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on.
(Ross puts her on speakerphone.)
Phoebe: Hi Emily!
Chandler: Hi!
Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too?
Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!!
Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.
(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)
Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.)
Emily: She's there?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here.
Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone.
(He does so.)
Ross: (on phone) Hi.
Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear!
Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay?
Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.
Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.
Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.
Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.
Emily: You're right.
Ross: So, can you trust me?
(Pause.)
Emily: No.
(Ross lowers his head.)
[Cut to the inside of the apartment.]
Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling.
Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head!
Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.)
Ross: Well, I guess that's it.
All: Why, what happened?
Joey: What happened? What happened?
Ross: My marriage is over.
All: What?!
Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering.
Phoebe: Here. (She wraps her coat around his shoulders.)
Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?
Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.
Ending Credits
[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.]
Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!
End
507 The One Where Ross Moves In
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Why?
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: You got it.
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]
Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
(Phoebe laughs.)
Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Yum-my!
Monica: Larry?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door...)
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Monica: Hmm?
Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try...
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
(Danny enters.)
Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny: (To them) Hey!
Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel: Yeah.
Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party.
Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
