him. But I still had no choice. I had to try.
I pushed the terror back as well as I could. My decision was made. It did
no good to waste time agonizing over the outcome. I had to think clearly,
because Alice and Jasper were waiting for me, and evading them was
absolutely essential, and absolutely impossible.
I was suddenly grateful that Jasper was gone. If he had been here to feel
my anguish in the last five minutes, how could I have kept them from
being suspicious? I choked back the dread, the anxiety, tried to stifle
it. I couldn't afford it now. I didn't know when he would return.
I concentrated on my escape. I had to hope that my familiarity with the
airport would turn the odds in my favor. Somehow, I had to keep Alice
away…
I knew Alice was in the other room waiting for me, curious. But I had to
deal with one more thing in private, before Jasper was back.
I had to accept that I wouldn't see Edward again, not even one last
glimpse of his face to carry with me to the mirror room. I was going to
hurt him, and I couldn't say goodbye. I let the waves of torture wash
over me, have their way for a time. Then I pushed them back, too, and
went to face Alice.
The only expression I could manage was a dull, dead look. I saw her alarm
and I didn't wait for her to ask. I had just one script and I'd never
manage improvisation now.
"My mom was worried, she wanted to come home. But it's okay, I convinced
her to stay away." My voice was lifeless.
"We'll make sure she's fine, Bella, don't worry."
I turned away; I couldn't let her see my face.
My eye fell on a blank page of the hotel stationery on the desk. I went
to it slowly, a plan forming. There was an envelope there, too. That was
good.
"Alice," I asked slowly, without turning, keeping my voice level. "If I
write a letter for my mother, would you give it to her? Leave it at the
house, I mean."
"Sure, Bella." Her voice was careful. She could see me coming apart at
the seams. I had to keep my emotions under better control.
I went into the bedroom again, and knelt next to the little bedside table
to write.
"Edward," I wrote. My hand was shaking, the letters were hardly legible.
I love you. I am so sorry. He has my mom, and I have to try. I know it
may not work. I am so very, very sorry.
Don't be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be
a miracle. Tell them thank you for me. Alice especially, please.
And please, please, don't come after him. That's what he wants. I think.
I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you.
Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me.
I love you. Forgive me.
Bella
I folded the letter carefully, and sealed it in the envelope. Eventually
he would find it. I only hoped he would understand, and listen to me just
this once.
And then I carefully sealed away my heart.
===========================================================================
22. HIDE-AND-SEEK
It had taken much less time than I'd thought — all the terror, the
despair, the shattering of my heart. The minutes were ticking by more
slowly than usual. Jasper still hadn't come back when I returned to
Alice. I was afraid to be in the same room with her, afraid that she
would guess… and afraid to hide from her for the same reason.
I would have thought I was far beyond the ability to be surprised, my
thoughts tortured and unstable, but I was surprised when I saw Alice bent
over the desk, gripping the edge with two hands.
"Alice?"
She didn't react when I called her name, but her head was slowly rocking
side to side, and I saw her face. Her eyes were blank, dazed… My thoughts
flew to my mother. Was I already too late?
I hurried to her side, reaching out automatically to touch her hand.
"Alice!" Jasper's voice whipped, and then he was right behind her, his
hands curling over hers, loosening them from their grip on the table.
Across the room, the door swung shut with a low click.
"What is it?" he demanded.
She turned her face away from me, into his chest. "Bella," she said.
"I'm right here," I replied.
Her head twisted around, her eyes locking on mine, their expression still
strangely blank. I realized at once that she hadn't been speaking to me,
she'd been answering Jasper's question.
"What did you see?" I said — and there was no question in my flat,
uncaring voice.
Jasper looked at me sharply. I kept my expression vacant and waited. His
eyes were confused as they flickered swiftly between Alice's face and
mine, feeling the chaos… for I could guess what Alice had seen now.
I felt a tranquil atmosphere settle around me. I welcomed it, using it to
keep my emotions disciplined, under control.
Alice, too, recovered herself.
"Nothing, really," she answered finally, her voice remarkably calm and
convincing. "Just the same room as before."
She finally looked at me, her expression smooth and withdrawn. "Did you
want breakfast?"
"No, I'll eat at the airport." I was very calm, too. I went to the
bathroom to shower. Almost as if I were borrowing Jasper's strange extra
sense, I could feel Alice's wild — though well-concealed — desperation to
have me out of the room, to be alone with Jasper. So she could tell him
that they were doing something wrong, that they were going to fail…
I got ready methodically, concentrating on each little task. I left my
hair down, swirling around me, covering my face. The peaceful mood Jasper
created worked its way through me and helped me think clearly. Helped me
plan. I dug through my bag until I found my sock full of money. I emptied
it into my pocket.
I was anxious to get to the airport, and glad when we left by seven. I
sat alone this time in the back of the dark car. Alice leaned against the
door, her face toward Jasper but, behind her sunglasses, shooting glances
in my direction every few seconds.
"Alice?" I asked indifferently.
She was wary. "Yes?"
"How does it work? The things that you see?" I stared out the side
window, and my voice sounded bored. "Edward said it wasn't definite… that
things change?" It was harder than I would have thought to say his name.
That must have been what alerted Jasper, why a fresh wave of serenity
filled the car.
"Yes, things change…" she murmured — hopefully, I thought. "Some things
are more certain than others… like the weather. People are harder. I only
see the course they're on while they're on it. Once they change their
minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future
shifts."
I nodded thoughtfully. "So you couldn't see James in Phoenix until he
decided to come here."
"Yes," she agreed, wary again.
And she hadn't seen me in the mirror room with James until I'd made the
decision to meet him there. I tried not to think about what else she
might have seen. I didn't want my panic to make Jasper more suspicious.
They would be watching me twice as carefully now, anyway, after Alice's
vision. This was going to be impossible.
We got to the airport. Luck was with me, or maybe it was just good odds.
Edward's plane was landing in terminal four, the largest terminal, where
most flights landed — so it wasn't surprising that his was. But it was
the terminal I needed: the biggest, the most confusing. And there was a
door on level three that might be the only chance.
We parked on the fourth floor of the huge garage. I led the way, for once
more knowledgeable about my surroundings than they were. We took the
elevator down to level three, where the passengers unloaded. Alice and
Jasper spent a long time looking at the departing flights board. I could
hear them discussing the pros and cons of New York, Atlanta, Chicago.
Places I'd never seen. And would never see.
I waited for my opportunity, impatient, unable to stop my toe from
tapping. We sat in the long rows of chairs by the metal detectors, Jasper
and Alice pretending to people-watch but really watching me. Every inch I
shifted in my seat was followed by a quick glance out of the corner of
their eyes. It was hopeless. Should I run? Would they dare to stop me
physically in this public place? Or would they simply follow?
I pulled the unmarked envelope out of my pocket and set it on top of
Alice's black leather bag. She looked at me.
"My letter," I said. She nodded, tucking it under the top flap. He would
find it soon enough.
The minutes passed and Edward's arrival grew closer. It was amazing how
every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his
coming. That made it very hard. I found myself trying to think of excuses
to stay, to see him first and then make my escape. But I knew that was
impossible if I was going to have any chance to get away.
Several times Alice offered to go get breakfast with me. Later, I told
her, not yet.
I stared at the arrival board, watching as flight after flight arrived on
time. The flight from Seattle crept closer to the top of the board.
And then, when I had only thirty minutes to make my escape, the numbers
changed. His plane was ten minutes early. I had no more time.
"I think I'll eat now," I said quickly.
Alice stood. "I'll come with you."
"Do you mind if Jasper comes instead?" I asked. "I'm feeling a little…" I
didn't finish the sentence. My eyes were wild enough to convey what I
didn't say.
Jasper stood up. Alice's eyes were confused, but — I saw to my relief—
not suspicious. She must be attributing the change in her vision to some
maneuver of the tracker's rather than a betrayal by me.
Jasper walked silently beside me, his hand on the small of my back, as if
he were guiding me. I pretended a lack of interest in the first few
airport cafes, my head scanning for what I really wanted. And there it
was, around the corner, out of Alice's sharp sight: the level-three
ladies' room.
"Do you mind?" I asked Jasper as we passed. "I'll just be a moment."
"I'll be right here," he said.
As soon as the door shut behind me, I was running. I remembered the time
I had gotten lost from this bathroom, because it had two exits.
Outside the far door it was only a short sprint to the elevators, and if
Jasper stayed where he said he would, I'd never be in his line of sight.
I didn't look behind me as I ran. This was my only chance, and even if he
saw me, I had to keep going. People stared, but I ignored them. Around
the corner the elevators were waiting, and I dashed forward, throwing my
hand between the closing doors of a full elevator headed down. I squeezed
in beside the irritated passengers, and checked to make sure that the
button for level one had been pushed. It was already lit, and the doors
closed.
As soon as the door opened I was off again, to the sound of annoyed
murmurs behind me. I slowed myself as I passed the security guards by the
luggage carousels, only to break into a run again as the exit doors came
into view. I had no way of knowing if Jasper was looking for me yet.
I would have only seconds if he was following my scent. I jumped out the
automatic doors, nearly smacking into the glass when they opened too
slowly.
Along the crowded curb there wasn't a cab in sight.
I had no time. Alice and Jasper were either about to realize I was gone,
or they already had. They would find me in a heartbeat.
A shuttle to the Hyatt was just closing its doors a few feet behind me.
"Wait!" I called, running, waving at the driver.
"This is the shuttle to the Hyatt," the driver said in confusion as he
opened the doors.
"Yes," I huffed, "that's where I'm going." I hurried up the steps.
He looked askance at my luggage-less state, but then shrugged, not caring
enough to ask.
Most of the seats were empty. I sat as far from the other travelers as
possible, and watched out the window as first the sidewalk, and then the
airport, drifted away. I couldn't help imagining Edward, where he would
stand at the edge of the road when he found the end of my trail. I
couldn't cry yet, I told myself. I still had a long way to go.
My luck held. In front of the Hyatt, a tired-looking couple was getting
their last suitcase out of the trunk of a cab. I jumped out of the
shuttle and ran to the cab, sliding into the seat behind the driver. The
tired couple and the shuttle driver stared at me.
I told the surprised cabbie my mother's address. "I need to get there as
soon as possible."
"That's in Scottsdale," he complained.
I threw four twenties over the seat.
"Will that be enough?"
"Sure, kid, no problem."
I sat back against the seat, folding my arms across my lap. The familiar
city began to rush around me, but I didn't look out the windows. I
exerted myself to maintain control. I was determined not to lose myself
at this point, now that my plan was successfully completed. There was no
point in indulging in more terror, more anxiety. My path was set. I just
had to follow it now.
So, instead of panicking, I closed my eyes and spent the twenty minutes'
drive with Edward.
I imagined that I had stayed at the airport to meet Edward. I visualized
how I would stand on my toes, the sooner to see his face. How quickly,
how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us.
And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless
