It’s going to be terrible. He’ll be traumatized and scarred and devastated —
Melanie interrupted me.Enough. I know, I know. But what can we do?
Not die, I suppose.
Melanie and I thought about the likelihood of our survival and felt despair.
Ian thumped Jamie on the back—I could feel the motion reverberate through both our bodies.
“Don’t agonize over it, kid,” he said. “You’re not in this alone.”
“They’re just shocked, that’s all.” I recognized Trudy’s alto voice behind me. “Once we get a chance to
explain, they’ll see reason.”
“See reason? Kyle?” someone hissed almost unintelligibly.
“We knew this was coming,” Jeb muttered. “Just got to weather it. Storms pass.”
“Maybe you ought to find that gun,” Lily suggested calmly. “Tonight might be a long one. Wanda can
stay with Heidi and me —”
“I think it might be better to keep her somewhere else,” Ian disagreed. “Maybe in the southern tunnels?
I’ll keep an eye on her. Jeb, wanna lend me a hand?”
“They wouldn’t look for her with me.” Walter’s offer was just a whisper.
“No,” I finally managed to choke out. “No. That’s not right. You shouldn’t fight with each other. You all
belong here. You belong together. Not fighting, not because of me.”
I pulled Jamie’s arms from around my waist, holding his wrists when he tried to stop me.
“I just need a minute to myself,” I told him, ignoring all the stares I could feel on my face. “I need to be
alone.” I turned my head to find Jeb. “And you should have a chance to discuss this without me listening.
It’s not fair—having to discuss strategy in front of the enemy.”
“Now, don’t be like that,” Jeb said.
“Let me have some time to think, Jeb.”
I stepped away from Jamie, dropping his hands. A hand fell on my shoulder, and I cringed.
It was just Ian. “It’s not a good idea for you to be wandering around by yourself.”
I leaned toward him and tried to pitch my voice so low that Jamie wouldn’t hear me clearly. “Why
prolong the inevitable? Will it get easier or harder for him?”
I thought I knew the answer to my last question. I ducked under Ian’s hand and broke into a run,
sprinting for the exit.
“Wanda!” Jamie called after me.
Someone quickly shushed him. There were no footsteps behind me. They must have seen the wisdom of
letting me go.
The hall was dark and deserted. If I was lucky, I’d be able to cut around the edge of the big garden
plaza in the dark with no one the wiser.
In all my time here, the one thing I’d never found was the way out. It seemed as if I’d been down every
tunnel time and again, and I’d never seen an opening I hadn’t eventually explored in search of one thing
or another. I thought about it now as I crept through the deepest shadowed corners of the big cave.
Where could the exit be? And I thought about this: if I could figure that puzzle out, would I be able to
leave?
I couldn’t think of anything worth leaving for—certainly not the desert waiting outside, but also not the
Seeker, not the Healer, not my Comforter, not my life before, which had left such a shallow impression
on me. Everything that really mattered was with me here. Jamie. Though he would kill me, Jared. I
couldn’t imagine walking away from either of them.
And Jeb. Ian. I had friends now. Doc, Trudy, Lily, Wes, Walter, Heath. Strange humans who could
overlook what I was and see something they didn’t have to kill. Maybe it was just curiosity, but
regardless of that, they were willing to side with me against the rest of their tight-knit family of survivors. I
shook my head in wonder as I traced the rough rock with my hands.
I could hear others in the cavern, on the far side from me. I didn’t pause; they could not see me here,
and I’d just found the crevice I was looking for.
CHAPTER 27
Undecided
Ifelt my way back to my prison hole.
It had been weeks and weeks since I’d been down this particular corridor; I hadn’t been back since the
morning after Jared had left and Jeb had set me free. It seemed to me that while I lived and Jared was in
the caves, this must be where I belonged.
There was no dim light to greet me now. I was fairly sure I was in the last leg—the turns and twists were
still vaguely familiar. I let my left hand drag against the wall as low as I could reach, feeling for the
opening as I crept forward. I wasn’t decided on crawling backinside the cramped hole, but at least it
would give me a reference point, letting me know that I was where I meant to be.
As it happened, I didn’t have the option of inhabiting my cell again.
In the same moment that my fingers brushed the rough edge at the top of the hole, my foot hit an
obstacle and I stumbled, falling to my knees. I threw my hands out to catch myself, and they landed with
a crunch and a crackle, breaking through something that wasn’t rock and didn’t belong here.
The sound startled me; the unexpected object frightened me. Perhaps I’d made a wrong turn and wasn’t
anywhere near my hole. Perhaps I was in someone’s living space. I ran through the memory of my recent
journey in my head, wondering how I could have gotten so turned about. Meanwhile, I listened for some
reaction to my crashing fall, holding absolutely still in the darkness.
There was nothing—no reaction, no sound. It was only dark and stuffy and humid, as it always was, and
so silent that I knew I must be alone.
Carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible, I took stock of my surroundings.
My hands were stuck in something. I pulled them free, tracing the contours of what felt like a cardboard
box—a cardboard box with a sheet of thin, crackly plastic on top that my hands had fallen through. I felt
around inside the box and found a layer of more crackly plastic—small rectangles that made a lot of
noise when I handled them. I retreated quickly, afraid of drawing attention to myself.
I remembered that I’d thought I’d found the top of the hole. I searched to my left and found more stacks
of cardboard squares on that side. I tried to find the top of the stack and had to stand in order to do
so—it was as high as my head. I searched until I found the wall, and then the hole, exactly where I’d
thought it was. I tried to climb in to ascertain if it really was the same place—one second on that bowed
floor and I would know it for certain—but I could not get any farther than the opening. It, too, was
crammed full of boxes.
Stymied, I explored with my hands, moving back out into the hall. I found I could go no deeper down
the passageway; it was entirely filled with the mysterious cardboard squares.
Suddenly, it all came clear. It was the smell that did it. As I played with the sand-like material inside the
bag, I got an unexpected whiff of a familiar scent. It took me back to my bare kitchen in San Diego, to
the low cupboard on the left side of the sink. In my head I could see so clearly the bag of uncooked rice,
the plastic measuring cup I used to dole it out, the rows of canned food behind it…
Once I realized that I was touching a bag of rice, I understood. Iwas in the right place after all. Hadn’t
Jeb said they used this place for storage? And hadn’t Jared just returned from a long raid? Now
everything the raiders had stolen in the weeks they’d been gone was dumped in this out-of-the-way place
until it could be used.
Many thoughts ran through my head at once.
First, I realized that I was surrounded by food. Not just rough bread and weak onion soup, butfood.
Somewhere in this stack, there could be peanut butter. Chocolate chip cookies. Potato chips.Cheetos.
Even as I imagined finding these things, tasting them again, being full for the first time since I’d left
civilization, I felt guilty for thinking of it. Jared hadn’t risked his life and spent weeks hiding and stealing to
feedme. This food was for others.
I also worried that perhaps this wasn’t the entire haul. What if they had more boxes to stow? Would
Jared and Kyle be the ones to bring them? It didn’t take any imagination at all to picture the scene that
would result if they found me here.
But wasn’t that why I was here? Wasn’t that exactly what I’d needed to be alone to think about?
I slouched against the wall. The rice bag made a decent pillow. I closed my eyes—unnecessary in the
inky darkness—and settled in for a consultation.
Okay, Mel. What now?
I was glad to find that she was still awake and alert. Opposition brought out her strength. It was only
when things were going well that she drifted away.
Priorities,she decided.What’s most important to us? Staying alive? Or Jamie?
She knew the answer.Jamie, I affirmed, sighing out loud. The sound of my breath whispered back from
the black walls.
Agreed. We could probably last awhile if we let Jeb and Ian protect us. Will that help him?
Maybe. Would he be more hurt if we just gave up? Or if we let this drag on, only to have it end
badly, which seems inevitable?
She didn’t like that. I could feel her scrambling around, searching for alternatives.
Try to escape?I suggested.
We imagined it together—how would I explain my months of absence? I could lie, make up some
alternative story, or say I didn’t remember. But I thought of the Seeker’s skeptical face, her bulging eyes
bright with suspicion, and knew my inept attempts at subterfuge would fail.
They’d think I took over,Melanie agreed.Then they’d take you out and put herin.
I squirmed, as if a new position on the rock floor would take me further away from the idea, and
shuddered. Then I followed the thought to its conclusion.She’d tell them about this place, and the
Seekers would come.
The horror washed through us.
Right,I continued.So escape is out.
Right,she whispered, emotion making her thought unstable.
So the decision is… quick or slow. Which hurts him less?
It seemed that as long as I focused on practicalities I could keep at least my side of the discussion
numbly businesslike. Melanie tried to mimic my effort.
I’m not sure. On the one hand, logically, the longer the three of us are together, the harder our…
separation would be for him. Then again, if we didn’t fight, if we just gave up… he wouldn’t like
that. He’d feel betrayed by us.
I looked at both sides she’d presented, trying to be rational about it.
So… quick, but we have to do our best not to die?
Go down fighting,she affirmed grimly.
Fighting. Fabulous.I tried to imagine that—meeting violence with violence. Raising my hand to strike
someone. I could form the words but not the mental picture.
You can do it,she encouraged.I’ll help you.
Thanks, but no thanks. There has to be some other way.
I don’t get you, Wanda. You’ve given up on your species entirely, you’re ready to die for my
brother, you’re in love with the man I love who is going to kill us, and yet you won’t let go of
customs that are entirely impractical here.
I am who I am, Mel. I can’t change that, though everything else may change. You hold on to
yourself; allow me to do the same.
But if we’re going to —
She would have continued to argue with me, but we were interrupted. A scuffing sound, shoe against
footsteps coming this way.
Melanie kept her cool, whereas I was lost to panic.
Get on your feet,she ordered.
Why?
You won’t fight, but you can run. You have to try something—for Jamie.
I started breathing again, keeping it quiet and shallow. Slowly, I rolled forward till I was on the balls of
my feet. Adrenaline coursed through my muscles, making them tingle and flex. I would be faster than
most who would try to catch me, but where would I run to?
“Wanda?” someone whispered quietly. “Wanda? Are you here? It’s me.”
His voice broke, and I knew him.
“Jamie!” I rasped. “What are you doing? I told you I needed to be alone.”
Relief was plain in his voice, which he now raised from the whisper. “Everybody is looking for you.
Well, you know, Trudy and Lily and Wes—thateverybody. Only we’re not supposed to let anyone
know that’s what we’re doing. No one is supposed to guess that you’re missing. Jeb’s got his gun again.
Ian’s with Doc. When Doc’s free, he’ll talk to Jared and Kyle. Everybody listens to Doc. So you don’t
have to hide. Everybody’s busy, and you’re probably tired.…”
As Jamie explained, he continued forward until his fingers found my arm, and then my hand.
“I’m not reallyhiding, Jamie. I told you I had to think.”
“You could think with Jeb there, right?”
“Where do you want me to go? Back to Jared’s room? This is where I’m supposed to be.”
“Not anymore.” The familiar stubborn edge entered his voice.
“Why is everyone so busy?” I asked to distract him. “What’s Doc doing?”
My attempt was unsuccessful; he didn’t answer.
After a minute of silence, I touched his cheek. “Look, you should be with Jeb. Tell the others to stop
looking for me. I’ll just hang out here for a while.”
“You can’t sleep here.”
“I have before.”
Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html
.
“I’ll go get mats and pillows, at least.”
“I don’t need more than one.”
“I’m not staying with Jared while he’s being such a jerk.”
I groaned internally. “Then you stay with Jeb and his snores. You belong with them, not with me.”
“I belong wherever I want to be.”
The threat of Kyle finding me here was heavy on my mind. But that argument would only make Jamie
feel responsible for protecting me.
“Fine, but you have to get Jeb’s permission.”
“Later. I’m not going to bug Jeb tonight.”
“What is Jeb doing?”
Jamie didn’t answer. It was only at that point I realized he had deliberately not answered my question
the first time. There was something he didn’t want to tell me. Maybe the others were busy trying to find
me, too. Maybe Jared’s homecoming had returned them to their original opinion about me. It had
seemed that way in the kitchen, when they’d hung their heads and eyed me with furtive guilt.
“What’s going on, Jamie?” I pressed.
“I’m not supposed to tell you,” he muttered. “And I’m not going to.” His arms wrapped tightly around
my waist, and his face pressed against my shoulder. “Everything is going to be all right,” he promised me,
his voice thick.
I patted his back and ran my fingers through his tangled mane. “Okay,” I said, agreeing to accept his
