Jared moved, shifting away from the wall so that his body was turned toward me. I watched the
movement from the corner of my eye.
“Why are you here?” he whispered.
I peeked up at his face. It was gentle, kind, almost the way Melanie remembered it. I felt my control
slipping; my lips trembled. Keeping my arms locked took all my strength. I wanted to touch his face.I
wanted it. Melanie did not like this.
If you won’t let me talk, then at least keep your hands to yourself,she hissed.
I’m trying. I’m sorry.I was sorry. This was hurting her. We were both hurting, different hurts. It was
hard to know who had it worse at the moment.
Jared watched me curiously while my eyes filled again.
“Why?” he asked softly. “You know, Jeb has this crazy idea that you’re here for me and Jamie. Isn’t
that nuts?”
My mouth half-opened; I quickly bit down on my lip.
Jared leaned forward slowly and took my face between both his hands. My eyes closed.
“Won’t you tell me?”
My head shook once, fast. I wasn’t sure who did it. Was it me saying won’t or Melanie saying can’t?
His hands tightened under my jaw. I opened my eyes, and his face was inches away from mine. My
heart fluttered, my stomach dropped—I tried to breathe, but my lungs did not obey.
I recognized the intention in his eyes; I knew how he would move, exactly how his lips would feel. And
yet it was so new to me, a first more shocking than any other, as his mouth pressed against mine.
I think he meant just to touch his lips to mine, to be soft, but things changed when our skin met. His
mouth was abruptly hard and rough, his hands trapped my face to his while his lips moved mine in urgent,
unfamiliar patterns. It was so different from remembering, so much stronger. My head swam incoherently.
The body revolted. I was no longer in control of it—it was in control of me. It was not Melanie—the
body was stronger than either of us now. Our breathing echoed loudly: mine wild and gasping, his fierce,
almost a snarl.
My arms broke free from my control. My left hand reached for his face, his hair, to wind my fingers in it.
My right hand was faster. Was not mine.
The force of it was not enough to move him far, but he scrambled away from me the instant our lips
were no longer connected, gaping with horrorstruck eyes at my horrorstruck expression.
I stared down at the still-clenched fist, as repulsed as if I’d found a scorpion growing on the end of my
arm. A gasp of revulsion choked its way out of my throat. I grabbed the right wrist with my left hand,
desperate to keep Melanie from using my body for violence again.
I glanced up at Jared. He was staring at the fist I restrained, too, the horror fading, surprise taking its
place. In that second, his expression was entirely defenseless. I could easily read his thoughts as they
moved across his unlocked face.
This was not what he had expected. And he’d had expectations; that was plain to see. This had been a
test. A test he’d thought he was prepared to evaluate. A test with results he’d anticipated with
confidence. But he’d been surprised.
Did that mean pass or fail?
The pain in my chest was not a surprise. I already knew that a breaking heart was more than an
exaggeration.
In a fight-or-flight situation, I never had a choice; it would always be flight for me. Because Jared was
between me and the darkness of the tunnel exit, I wheeled and threw myself into the box-packed hole.
The boxes crunched, crackled, and cracked as my weight shoved them into the wall, into the floor. I
wriggled my way into the impossible space, twisting around the heavier squares and crushing the others. I
felt his fingers scrape across my foot as he made a grab for my ankle, and I kicked one of the more solid
boxes between us. He grunted, and despair wrapped choking hands around my throat. I hadn’t meant to
hurt him again; I hadn’t meant to strike. I was only trying to escape.
I didn’t hear my own sobbing, loud as it was, until I could go no farther into the crowded hole and the
sound of my thrashing stopped. When I did hear myself, heard the ragged, tearing gasps of agony, I was
mortified.
So mortified, so humiliated. I was horrified at myself, at the violence I’d allowed to flow through my
body, whether consciously or not, but that was not why I was sobbing. I was sobbing because it had
been a test, and, stupid, stupid, stupid, emotional creature that I was, I wanted it to be real.
Melanie was writhing in agony inside me, and it was hard to make sense of the double pain. I felt as
though I was dying because it was not real; she felt as though she was dying because, to her, it had felt
real enough. In all that she’d lost since the end of her world, so long ago, she’d never before felt
betrayed. When her father had brought the Seekers after his children, she’d known it was nothim. There
was no betrayal, only grief. Her father was dead. But Jared was alive and himself.
No one’s betrayed you, stupid,I railed at her. I wanted her pain to stop. It was too much, the extra
burden of her agony. Mine was enough.
How could he? How?she ranted, ignoring me.
One word snapped us back from the edge of hysteria.
From the mouth of the hole, Jared’s low, rough voice—broken and strangely childlike—asked, “Mel?”
CHAPTER 30
Abbreviated
Mel?” he asked again, the hope he didn’t want to feel coloring his tone.
My breath caught in another sob, an aftershock.
“You know that was for you, Mel. Youknow that. Not for h—it. You know I wasn’t kissing it.”
My next sob was louder, a moan. Why couldn’t I shut up? I tried holding my breath.
“If you’re in there, Mel…” He paused.
Melanie hated the “if.” A sob burst up through my lungs, and I gasped for air.
“I love you,” Jared said. “Even if you’re not there, if you can’t hear me. I love you.”
I held my breath again, biting my lip until it bled. The physical pain didn’t distract me as much as I
wished it would.
It was silent outside the hole, and then silent inside, too, as I turned blue. I listened intently, concentrating
only on what I could hear. I wouldn’t think. There was no sound.
I was twisted into the most impossible position. My head was the lowest point, the right side of my face
pressed against the rough rock floor. My shoulders were slanted around a crumpled box edge, the right
higher than the left. My hips angled the opposite way, with my left calf pressed to the ceiling. Fighting
with the boxes had left bruises—I could feel them forming. I knew I would have to find some way to
explain to Ian and Jamie that I had done this to myself, but how? What should I say? How could I tell
them that Jared had kissed me as a test, like giving a lab rat a jolt of electricity to observe its reaction?
And how long was I supposed to hold this position? I didn’t want to make any noise, but it felt like my
spine was going to snap in a minute. The pain got more difficult to bear every second. I wouldn’t be able
to bear it in silence for long. Already, a whimper was rising in my throat.
Melanie had nothing to say to me. She was quietly working through her own relief and fury. Jared had
spoken to her, finally recognized her existence. He had told her he loved her. But he had kissed me. She
was trying to convince herself that there was no reason to be wounded by this, trying to believe all the
solid reasons why this wasn’t what it felt like. Trying, but not yet succeeding. I could hear all this, but it
was directed internally. She wasn’t speaking to me—in the juvenile, petty sense of the phrase. I was
getting the cold shoulder.
I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her
eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry withme for
what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that I’d fallen in love because of the
Tears, much weaker than the others, flowed down my cheeks in silence. Her hostility toward me
simmered in my mind.
Abruptly, the pain in my bruised, twisted back was too much. The straw on the camel.
“Ung,” I grunted, pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward.
I didn’t care about the noise anymore, I just wanted out. I swore to myself that I would never cross the
threshold of this wretched pit again—death first. Literally.
It was harder to worm out than it had been to dive in. I wiggled and squirmed around until I felt like I
was making things worse, bending myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel. I started to cry again, like
a child, afraid that I would never get free.
Melanie sighed.Hook your foot around the edge of the mouth and pull yourself out, she suggested.
I ignored her, struggling to work my torso around a particularly pointy corner. It jabbed me just under
the ribs.
Don’t be petty,she grumbled.
That’s rich, coming from you.
I know.She hesitated, then caved.Okay, sorry. I am. Look, I’m human. It’s hard to be fair
sometimes. Wedon’t always feel the right thing, do the right thing. The resentment was still there,
but she was trying to forgive and forget that I’d just made out with her true love—that’s the way she
thought of it, at least.
I hooked my foot around the edge and yanked. My knee hit the floor, and I used that leverage to lift my
ribs off the point. It was easier then to get my other foot out and yank again. Finally, my hands found the
floor and I shoved my way through, a breech birth, falling onto the dark green mat. I lay there for a
moment, facedown, breathing. I was sure at this point that Jared was long gone, but I didn’t make certain
of that right away. I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to lift my head.
I was alone. I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the sorrow this fact engendered. It was better to be
alone. Less humiliating.
I curled up on the mat, pressing my face against the musty fabric. I wasn’t sleepy, but I was tired. The
crushing weight of Jared’s rejection was so heavy it exhausted me. I closed my eyes and tried to think
about things that wouldn’t make my stinging eyes tear again. Anything but the appalled look on Jared’s
face when he’d broken away from me…
What was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep
for a long time, he’d looked so exhausted. Would Kyle wake soon? Would he come in search? Where
was Jeb? I hadn’t seen him all day. Was Doc really drinking himself unconscious? That seemed so unlike
him…
I woke slowly, roused by my growling stomach. I lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to orient myself.
My stomach wouldn’t be ignored for long, though, and I rolled up onto my knees. I must have slept for a
while to be this hungry—missed a meal or two.
I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole—after all, I’d already damaged pretty
much everything, maybe destroyed some. But that only made me feel guiltier about the idea of taking
more. I’d go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.
I was feeling a little hurt, on top of all the big hurt, that I’d been down here so long without anyone
coming to look for me—what a vain attitude; why should anyone care what happened to me?—so I was
relieved and appeased to find Jamie sitting in the doorway to the big garden, his back turned on the
human world behind him, unmistakably waiting for me.
My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing over his features.
“You’re okay,” he said; I wished he were right. He began to ramble. “I mean, I didn’t think Jared was
lying, but he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldn’t go check on you and that I
had to stay right here where he could see that I wasn’t sneaking back there, but even though I didn’t
think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?”
“I’m fine,” I told him. But I held my arms out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and
I was shocked to find that his head could rest on my shoulder while we stood.
“Your eyes are red,” he whispered. “Was he mean to you?”
“No.” After all, people weren’t intentionally cruel to lab rats—they were just trying to get information.
“Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?”
“She’s glad about that.”
He nodded, pleased. “How about you?”
I hesitated, looking for a factual response. “Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it.”
My evasion seemed to answer the question enough to satisfy him.
Behind him, the light in the garden was red and fading. The sun had already set on the desert.
“I’m hungry,” I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.
“I knew you would be. I saved you something good.”
I sighed. “Bread’s fine.”
“Let it go, Wanda. Ian says you’re too self-sacrificing for your own good.”
I made a face.
“I think he’s got a point,” Jamie muttered. “Even if we all want you here, you don’t belong until you
“I can’t ever belong. And nobody really wants me here, Jamie.”
“I do.”
I didn’t fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what
he really wanted was Melanie. He didn’t separate us the way he should.
Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns
taking bites.
“It’s good to see you, Wanda,” Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she spoke because she
was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me,
trying to be inconspicuous about it—pointing out that people wanted me. He wasn’t making allowances
for common courtesy.
“Did you save her dinner?” he asked eagerly.
“Yep,” Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tray in her hand. “Kept
it warm. It’s probably nasty and tough now, but it’s better than the usual.”
On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the
portion I’d been allotted.
“It’s too much.”
“We have to eat all the perishables the first day,” Jamie encouraged me. “Everyone eats themselves
sick—it’s a tradition.”
“You need the protein,” Trudy added. “We were on cave rations too long. I’m surprised no one’s in
