back to him. He won’t know if I’ve been caught. He’s sohungry. ” As if to make my point, my stomach
growls loudly.
Jared’s smile is back, brighter than before. “Will it help if I give you a ride?”
“A ride?” I echo.
“I’ll make you a deal. You wait here while I gather more food, and I’ll take you anywhere you want to
go in my jeep. It’s faster than running—even faster thanyou running.”
“You have a car?”
“Of course. Do you think I walked out here?”
I think of the six hours it took me to walk here, and my forehead furrows.
“We’ll be back to your brother in no time,” he promises. “Don’t move from this spot, okay?”
I nod.
“And eat something, please. I don’t want your stomach to give us away.” He grins, and his eyes crinkle
up, fanning lines out of the corners. My heart gives one hard thump, and I know I will wait here if it takes
him all night.
He is still holding my hand. He lets go slowly, his eyes not leaving mine. He takes a step backward, then
pauses.
I scream.
I woke up covered in sweat. Even before I was all the way awake, my fingers were on the back of my
neck, tracing the short line left from the insertion. I could barely detect the faint pink blemish with my
fingertips. The medicines the Healer had used had done their job.
Jared’s poorly healed scar had never been much of a disguise.
I flicked on the light beside my bed, waiting for my breathing to slow, veins full of adrenaline from the
realistic dream.
A new dream, but in essence so much the same as the many others that had plagued me in the past
months.
No, not a dream. Surely a memory.
I could still feel the heat of Jared’s lips on mine. My hands reached out without my permission, searching
across the rumpled sheet, looking for something they did not find. My heart ached when they gave up,
falling to the bed limp and empty.
I blinked away the unwelcome moisture in my eyes. I didn’t know how much more of this I could stand.
How did anyone survive this world, with these bodies whose memories wouldn’t stay in the past where
they should? With these emotions that were so strong I couldn’t tell whatI felt anymore?
I was going to be exhausted tomorrow, but I felt so far from sleep that I knew it would be hours before I
could relax. I might as well do my duty and get it over with. Maybe it would help me take my mind off
things I’d rather not think about.
I rolled off the bed and stumbled to the computer on the otherwise empty desk. It took a few seconds
for the screen to glow to life, and another few seconds to open my mail program. It wasn’t hard to find
the Seeker’s address; I only had four contacts: the Seeker, the Healer, my new employer, and his wife,
my Comforter.
There was another human with my host, Melanie Stryder.
I typed, not bothering with a greeting.
His name is Jamie Stryder; he is her brother.
For a panicked moment, I wondered at her control. All this time, and I’d never even guessed at the
boy’s existence—not because he didn’t matter to her, but because she protected him more fiercely than
other secrets I’d unraveled. Did she have more secrets this big, this important? So sacred that she kept
them even from my dreams? Was she that strong? My fingers trembled as I keyed the rest of the
information.
I sent it off. As soon as it was gone, terror washed through me.
Not Jamie!
Her voice in my head was as clear as my own spoken aloud. I shuddered in horror.
Even as I struggled with the fear of what was happening, I was gripped with the insane desire to e-mail
the Seeker again and apologize for sending her my crazy dreams. To tell her I was half asleep and to pay
no attention to the silly message I’d sent.
The desire was not my own.
I shut off the computer.
I hate you,the voice snarled in my head.
“Then maybe you should leave,” I snapped. The sound of my voice, answering her aloud, made me
shudder again.
She hadn’t spoken to me since the first moments I’d been here. There was no doubt that she was getting
stronger. Just like the dreams.
And there was no question about it; I was going to have to visit my Comforter tomorrow. Tears of
disappointment and humiliation welled in my eyes at the thought.
I went back to bed, put a pillow over my face, and tried to think of nothing at all.
CHAPTER 5
Uncomforted
Hello there, Wanderer! Won’t you take a seat and make yourself at home?”
I hesitated on the threshold of the Comforter’s office, one foot in and one foot out.
She smiled, just a tiny movement at the corners of her mouth. It was much easier to read facial
expressions now; the little muscle twitches and shifts had become familiar through months of exposure. I
could see that the Comforter found my reluctance a bit amusing. At the same time, I could sense her
frustration that I was still uneasy coming to her.
With a quiet sigh of resignation, I walked into the small brightly colored room and took my usual
seat—the puffy red one, the one farthest from where she sat.
Her lips pursed.
To avoid her gaze, I stared through the open windows at the clouds scuttling past the sun. The faint tang
of ocean brine blew softly through the room.
I met her eyes guiltily. “I did leave a message about that last appointment. I had a student who requested
some of my time.…”
“Yes, I know.” She smiled the tiny smile again. “I got your message.”
She was attractive for an older woman, as humans went. She’d let her hair stay a natural gray—it was
soft, tending toward white rather than silver, and she wore it long, pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her
eyes were an interesting green color I’d never seen on anyone else.
“I’m sorry,” I said, since she seemed to be waiting for a response.
“That’s all right. I understand. It’s difficult for you to come here. You wish so much that it wasn’t
necessary. It’s never been necessary for you before. This frightens you.”
I stared down at the wooden floor. “Yes, Comforter.”
“I know I’ve asked you to call me Kathy.”
“Yes… Kathy.”
She laughed lightly. “You are not at ease with human names yet, are you, Wanderer?”
“No. To be honest, it seems… like a surrender.”
I looked up to see her nod slowly. “Well, I can understand why you, especially, would feel that way.”
I swallowed loudly when she said that, and stared again at the floor.
“Let’s talk about something easier for a moment,” Kathy suggested. “Do you continue to enjoy your
Calling?”
“I do.” Thiswas easier. “I’ve begun a new semester. I wondered if it would get tiresome, repeating the
same material, but so far it doesn’t. Having new ears makes the stories new again.”
“I hear good things about you from Curt. He says your class is among the most requested at the
university.”
My cheeks warmed a bit at this praise. “That’s nice to hear. How is your partner?”
“Curt is wonderful, thank you. Our hosts are in excellent shape for their ages. We have many years
ahead of us, I think.”
I was curious if she would stay on this world, if she would move to another human host when the time
came, or if she would leave. But I didn’t want to ask any questions that might move us into the more
difficult areas of discussion.
“I enjoy teaching,” I said instead. “It’s somewhat related to my Calling with the See Weeds, so that
makes it easier than something unfamiliar. I’m indebted to Curt for requesting me.”
“HonoraryProfessor,” I corrected her.
Kathy smiled and then took a deep breath, her smile fading. “You haven’t been to see me in so long, I
was wondering if your problems were resolving themselves. But then it occurred to me that perhaps the
reason for your absence was that they were getting worse.”
I stared down at my hands and said nothing.
My hands were light brown—a tan that never faded whether I spent time in the sun or not. One dark
freckle marked the skin just above my left wrist. My nails were cut short. I disliked the feeling of long
nails. They were unpleasant when they brushed the skin wrong. And my fingers were so long and
thin—the added length of fingernails made them look strange. Even for a human.
She cleared her throat after a minute. “I’m guessing my intuition was right.”
“Kathy.” I said her name slowly. Stalling. “Why did you keep your human name? Did it make you feel…
more at one? With your host, I mean?” I would have liked to know about Curt’s choice as well, but it
was such a personal question. It would have been wrong to ask anyone besides Curt for the answer,
even his partner. I worried that I’d already been too impolite, but she laughed.
“Heavens, no, Wanderer. Haven’t I told you this? Hmm. Maybe not, since it’s not my job to talk, but to
listen. Most of the souls I speak with don’t need as much encouragement as you do. Did you know I
came to Earth in one of the very first placements, before the humans had any idea we were here? I had
human neighbors on both sides. Curt and I had to pretend to be our hosts for several years. Even after
we’d settled the immediate area, you never knew when a human might be near. SoKathy just became
who I was. Besides, the translation of my former name was fourteen words long and did not shorten
prettily.” She grinned. The sunlight slanting through the window caught her eyes and sent their silver green
reflection dancing on the wall. For a moment, the emerald irises glowed iridescent.
I’d had no idea that this soft, cozy woman had been a part of the front line. It took me a minute to
process that. I stared at her, surprised and suddenly more respectful. I’d never taken Comforters very
seriously—never had a need before now. They were for those who struggled, for the weak, and it
shamed me to be here. Knowing Kathy’s history made me feel slightly less awkward with her. She
understood strength.
“Did it bother you?” I asked. “Pretending to be one of them?”
“No, not really. You see, this host was a lot to get used to—there was so much that was new. Sensory
overload. Following the set pattern was quite as much as I could handle at first.”
“And Curt… You chose to stay with your host’s spouse? After it was over?”
This question was more pointed, and Kathy grasped that at once. She shifted in her seat, pulling her legs
up and folding them under her. She gazed thoughtfully at a spot just over my head as she answered.
“All very good reasons why Curt and I might have formed an attachment and decided to stay together
when secrecy was no longer necessary. And I could lie to you, assuage your fears, by telling you that
these were the reasons. But…” She shook her head and then seemed to settle deeper into her chair, her
eyes boring into me. “In so many millennia, the humans never did figurelove out. How much is physical,
how much in the mind? How much accident and how much fate? Why did perfect matches crumble and
impossible couples thrive? I don’t know the answers any better than they did. Love simply is where it is.
My host loved Curt’s host, and that love did not die when the ownership of the minds changed.”
She watched me carefully, reacting with a slight frown when I slumped in my seat.
“Melanie still grieves for Jared,” she stated.
I felt my head nod without willing the action.
“Yougrieve for him.”
I closed my eyes.
“The dreams continue?”
“Every night,” I mumbled.
“Tell me about them.” Her voice was soft, persuasive.
“I don’t like to think about them.”
“I know. Try. It might help.”
“How? How will it help to tell you that I see his face every time I close my eyes? That I wake up and cry
when he’s not there? That the memories are so strong I can’t separate hers from mine anymore?”
I stopped abruptly, clenching my teeth.
Kathy pulled a white handkerchief from her pocket and offered it to me. When I didn’t move, she got
up, walked over to me, and dropped it in my lap. She sat on the arm of my chair and waited.
I held on stubbornly for half a minute. Then I snatched the little square of fabric angrily and wiped my
eyes.
“I hate this.”
“Everybody cries their first year. These emotions are so impossible. We’re all children for a bit, whether
we intended that or not. I used to tear up every time I saw a pretty sunset. The taste of peanut butter
“Such pretty, shiny hair,” she noted. “Every time I see you it’s shorter. Why do you keep it that way?”
Already in tears, I didn’t feel like I had much dignity to defend. Why claim that it was easier to care for,
as I usually did? After all, I’d come here to confess and get help—I might as well get on with it.
“It bothersher. She likes it long.”
She didn’t gasp, as I half expected she would. Kathy was good at her job. Her response was only a
second late and only slightly incoherent.
“You… She… she’s still that…present? ”
The appalling truth tumbled from my lips. “When she wants to be. Our history bores her. She’s more
dormant while I’m working. But she’s there, all right. Sometimes I feel like she’s as present as I am.” My
voice was only a whisper by the time I was done.
“Wanderer!” Kathy exclaimed, horrified. “Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad? How long has it been
this way?”
“It’s getting worse. Instead of fading, she seems to be growing stronger. It’s not as bad as the Healer’s
case yet—we spoke of Kevin, do you remember? She hasn’t taken control. She won’t. I won’t let that
happen!” The pitch of my voice climbed.
“Of course it won’t happen,” she assured me. “Of course not. But if you’re this… unhappy, you should
have told me earlier. We need to get you to a Healer.”
It took me a moment, emotionally distracted as I was, to understand.
“A Healer? You want me toskip? ”
“No one would think badly of that choice, Wanderer. It’s understood, if a host is defective —”
“Defective?She’s not defective.I am. I’m too weak for this world!” My head fell into my hands as the
humiliation washed through me. Fresh tears welled in my eyes.
Kathy’s arm settled around my shoulders. I was struggling so hard to control my wild emotions that I
didn’t pull away, though it felt too intimate.
It bothered Melanie, too. She didn’t like being hugged by an alien.
Of course Melanie was very much present in this moment, and unbearably smug as I finally admitted to
her power. She was gleeful. It was always harder to control her when I was distracted by emotion like
