Jeb let the unwieldy box fall onto the mattress. “Thought we might have a bit of a celebration. Dig in.”
“Wow, yum!” Jamie said, pawing through the box of dehydrated meals of the sort that hikers used.
“Spaghetti. Excellent.”
“Dibs on the garlic chicken,” Jeb said. “I’ve been missin’ garlic quite a bit—though I imagine no one
misses it on my breath.” He chuckled.
Jeb was prepared, with bottles of water and several portable stoves. People began to gather around,
squeezing together in the small space. I was wedged between Jared and Ian, and I’d pulled Jamie onto
my lap. Though he was much too old for this, he didn’t protest. He must have sensed how much both of
us needed that—Mel and Ihad to feel him alive and healthy and in our arms.
The shimmering circle seemed to widen, enveloping the entire late-night supper party, making them
family, too. Everyone waited contentedly for Jeb to prepare the unexpected treats, in no hurry. Fear had
been replaced by relief and happy news. Even Kyle, compressed into the small space on the other side
of his brother, was not unwelcome in the circle.
Melanie sighed in contentment. She was vibrantly aware of the warmth of the boy in my lap and the
touch of the man who still stroked his hand against my arm. She wasn’t even upset by Ian’s arm around
my shoulders.
You’re feeling the No Pain, too,I teased her.
No, you’re right. This is more than I’ve ever had.
This is so much of what I lost.
What was it that made this human love so much more desirable to me than the love of my own kind?
Was it because it was exclusive and capricious? The souls offered love and acceptance to all. Did I crave
a greater challenge? This love was tricky; it had no hard-and-fast rules—it might be given for free, as
with Jamie, or earned through time and hard work, as with Ian, or completely and heartbreakingly
unattainable, as with Jared.
Or was it simply better somehow? Because these humans could hate with so much fury, was the other
end of the spectrum that they could love with more heart and zeal and fire?
I didn’t know why I had yearned after it so desperately. All I knew was that, now that I had it, it was
worth every ounce of risk and agony it had cost. It was better than I’d imagined.
It was everything.
By the time the food was prepared and consumed, the late—or rather early—hour had gotten to us all.
People stumbled out of the crowded room toward their beds. As they left, there was more space.
Those remaining slouched down where we were as room became available. Gradually, we melted in
place until we were horizontal. My head ended up pillowed on Jared’s stomach; his hand stroked my hair
now and then. Jamie’s face was against my chest, and his arms were around my neck. One of my arms
wrapped around his shoulders. Ian’s head was cushioned on my stomach, and he held my other hand to
his face. I could feel Doc’s long leg stretched beside mine, his shoe by my hip. Doc was asleep—I could
hear him snoring. I may have even been touching Kyle somewhere.
Jeb was sprawled on the bed. He belched, and Kyle chuckled.
“Nicer night than I was plannin’ for. I like it when pessimism goes unrewarded,” Jeb mused. “Thanks,
Wanda.”
“Mmm,” I sighed, half asleep.
“Next time she raids…” Kyle said, somewhere on the other side of Jared’s body. A big yawn
interrupted his sentence. “Next time she raids, I’m coming, too.”
“She’s not going out again,” Ian answered, his body tensing. I brushed my hand against his face, trying to
soothe him.
“Of course not,” I murmured to him. “I don’t have to go anywhere unless I’m needed. I don’t mind
staying in here.”
“I’m not talking about keeping you prisoner, Wanda,” Ian explained, irritated. “You can go anywhere
you want as far as I’m concerned. Jogging on the highway, if you’d like that. But not a raid. I’m talking
about keeping you safe.”
“We need her,” Jared said, his voice harder than I wanted to hear it.
Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html
”
“Fine? Jamie would have died without her. She can get things for us that no one else can.”
“She’s a person, Jared, not a tool.”
“I know that. I didn’t say that —”
“’S up to Wanda, I’d say.” Jeb interrupted the argument just as I was about to. My hand was holding
Ian down now, and I could feel Jared’s body shifting under my head as he prepared to get up. Jeb’s
words froze them in place.
“You can’t leave it up to her, Jeb,” Ian protested.
“Why not? Seems like she’s got her own mind. ’S it your job to make decisions for her?”
“I’ll tell you why not,” Ian grumbled. “Wanda?”
“Yes, Ian?”
“Do youwant to go out on raids?”
“If I can help, of course I should go.”
“That’s not what I asked, Wanda.”
I was quiet for a moment, trying to remember his question to see how I’d gotten it wrong.
“See, Jeb? She never takes into account her own wants—her own happiness, her ownhealth, even.
She’d do anything we asked her to, even if it got her killed. It’s not fair to ask her things the way we’d
ask each other.We stop to think about ourselves. She doesn’t.”
It was quiet. No one answered Ian. The silence dragged on until I felt compelled to speak for myself.
“That’s not true,” I said. “I think about myself all the time. And I… Iwant to help. Doesn’t that count? It
made me so happy to help Jamie tonight. Can’t I find happiness the wayI want to?”
Ian sighed. “See what I mean?”
“Well, I can’t tell her she can’t go if she wants to,” Jeb said. “She’s not a prisoner anymore.”
“But we don’t have to ask.”
Jared was very quiet through all this. Jamie was quiet, too, but I was pretty sure he was asleep. I knew
Jared wasn’t; his hand was tracing random patterns on the side of my face. Glowing, burning patterns.
“You don’t need to ask,” I said. “I volunteer. It really wasn’t… frightening. Not at all. The other souls
are very kind. I’m not afraid of them. It was almost too easy.”
“Easy? Cutting your —”
second. “Right?” I checked.
Ian groaned. “If she goes, I’m going, too,” he said in a bleak tone. “Someonehas to protect her from
herself.”
“And I’ll be there to protect the rest of us fromher, ” Kyle said with a chuckle. Then he grunted and
said, “Ow.”
I was too tired to lift my head to see who had hit Kyle now.
“And I’ll be there to bring you all back alive,” Jared murmured.
CHAPTER 47
Employed
This is too easy. It’s not really even fun anymore,” Kyle complained.
“You wanted to come,” Ian reminded him.
He and Ian were in the windowless back of the van, sorting through the nonperishable groceries and
toiletries I’d just collected from the store. It was the middle of the day, and the sun was shining on
Wichita. It was not as hot as the Arizona desert, but it was more humid. The air swarmed with tiny flying
bugs.
Jared drove toward the highway out of town, carefully keeping below the speed limit. This continued to
irritate him.
“Getting tired of shopping yet, Wanda?” Ian asked me.
“No. I don’t mind it.”
“You always say that. Isn’t thereanything you mind?”
“I mind… being away from Jamie. And I mind being outside, a little bit. During the day especially. It’s
like the opposite of claustrophobia. Everything is too open. Does that bother you, too?”
“Sometimes. We don’t go out during the day much.”
“At least she gets to stretch her legs,” Kyle muttered. “I don’t know why you want to hearher
complain.”
“Because it’s so uncommon. Which makes it a nice change from listening toyou complain.”
I tuned them out. Once Ian and Kyle got started, they usually went on for a while. I consulted the map.
“Oklahoma City next?” I asked Jared.
“And a few small towns on the way, if you’re up for it,” he answered, eyes on the road.
Jared rarely lost his focus when on a raid. He didn’t relax into relieved banter the way Ian and Kyle did
every time I completed another mission successfully. It made me smile when they used that word—
mission.That sounded so formidable. In reality, it was just a trip to the store. Just like I’d done a hundred
times in San Diego when I was only feeding myself.
Like Kyle said, it was too easy to provide any excitement. I pushed my cart up and down the aisles. I
smiled at the souls who smiled at me, and I filled my cart with things that would last. I usually grabbed a
few things that wouldn’t, for the men hiding in the back of the van. Premade sandwiches from the
deli—things like that for our meals. And maybe a treat or two. Ian had a fondness for mint chocolate chip
ice cream. Kyle liked caramel sweets best. Jared ate anything he was offered; it seemed as if he’d given
up favorites many years before, embracing a life where wants were unwelcome and even needs were
carefully assessed before they were met. Another reason he was good at this life—he saw priorities
uncontaminated by personal desire.
Occasionally, in the smaller towns, someone would notice me, would speak to me. I had my lines down
so well that I could probably have fooled a human by this point.
“Hi there. New in town?”
“Yes. Brand-new.”
“What brings you to Byers?”
I was always careful to check the map before I left the van, so the town’s name would be familiar.
“My partner travels a lot. He’s a photographer.”
“How wonderful! An Artist. Well, there’s certainly a lot of beautiful land around here.”
Originally, I’d been the Artist. But I’d found that throwing in the information that I was already partnered
saved me some time when I was speaking to males.
“Thank you so much for your help.”
“You’re very welcome. Come back soon.”
I’d only had to speak to a pharmacist once, in Salt Lake City; after that, I’d known what to look for.
A sheepish smile.“I’m not sure I’m getting the right nutrition. I can’t seem to avoid the junk food.
This body has such a sweet tooth.”
“You need to be wise, Thousand Petals. I know it’s easy to give in to your cravings, but try to
think about what you’re eating. In the meantime, you should take a supplement.”
Health. Such an obvious title on the bottle, it made me feel silly for asking.
“Would you like the ones that taste like strawberries or the ones that taste like chocolate?”
And the pleasant soul named Earthborn gave me both of the large bottles.
Not very challenging. The only fear or sense of danger I ever felt came when I thought of the small
cyanide pill that I always kept in an easily reachable pocket. Just in case.
“You should get new clothes in the next town,” Jared said.
“Again?”
“Those are looking a little creased.”
“Okay,” I agreed. I didn’t like the excess, but the steadily growing pile of dirty laundry wouldn’t go to
waste. Lily and Heidi and Paige were all close to my size, and they would be grateful for something new
to wear. The men rarely bothered with things like clothes when they were raiding. Every foray was
life-or-death—clothes were not a priority. Nor were the gentle soaps and shampoos that I’d been
collecting at every store.
“You should probably clean up, too,” Jared said with a sigh. “Guess that means a hotel tonight.”
Keeping up appearances was not something they’d worried about before. Of course, I was the only one
who had to look as if I were a part of civilization from close up. The men wore jeans and dark T-shirts
now, things that didn’t show dirt or attract attention in the brief moments they might be seen.
They all hated sleeping in the roadside inns—succumbing to unconsciousness inside the very mouth of
the enemy. It scared them more than anything else we did. Ian said he’d rather charge an armed Seeker.
Kyle simply refused. He mostly slept in the van during the day and then sat up at night, acting as sentry.
For me, it was as easy as shopping in the stores. I checked us in, made conversation with the clerk. Told
the story about my photographer partner and the friend who was traveling with us (just in case someone
saw all three of us enter the room). I used generic names from unremarkable planets. Sometimes we
were Bats: Word Keeper, Sings the Egg Song, and Sky Roost. Sometimes we were See Weeds:
Twisting Eyes, Sees to the Surface, and Second Sunrise. I changed the names every time, not that
anyone was trying to trace our path. It just made Melanie feel safer to do that. All this made her feel like
a character in a human movie about espionage.
The hard part, the part I really minded—not that I would say this in front of Kyle, who was so quick to
doubt my intentions—was all the taking without giving anything back. It had never bothered me to shop
in San Diego. I took what I needed and nothing more. Then I spent my days at the university giving back
to the community by sharing my knowledge. Not a taxing Calling, but one I took seriously. I took my
turns at the less-appealing chores. I did my day collecting garbage and cleaning streets. We all did.
And now I took so much more and gave nothing in return. It made me feel selfish and wrong.
It’s not for yourself. It’s for others,Mel reminded me when I brooded.
It still feels wrong. Even you can feel that, can’t you?
Don’t think about itwas her solution.
Home again. At last.
When we slept in hotels rather than in the crowded van, we usually checked in after dark and left before
dawn to keep the souls from getting a good look at us. Not really necessary.
Jared and Ian were beginning to realize that. This night, because we’d had such a successful day—the
van was completely full; Kyle would have little space—and because Ian thought I looked tired, we
stopped early. The sun had not set when I returned to the van with the plastic key card.
The little inn was not very busy. We parked close to our room, and Jared and Ian went straight from the
van to the room in a matter of five or six steps, their eyes on the ground. On their necks, small, faint pink
lines provided camouflage. Jared carried a half-empty suitcase. No one looked at them or me.
Inside, the room-darkening curtains were drawn, and the men relaxed a little bit.
Ian lounged on the bed he and Jared would use, and flipped on the TV. Jared put the suitcase on the
table, took out our dinner—cooled greasy breaded chicken strips I’d ordered from the deli in the last
store—and passed it around. I sat by the window, peeking through the corner at the falling sun as I ate.
