this.
I tried to calm myself so that I would be able to put her in her place.
You are in my place.Her thought was faint but intelligible. How much worse it was getting; she was
strong enough to speak to me now whenever she wished. It was as bad as that first minute of
Go away. It’s my place now.
Never.
“Wanderer, dear, no. You are not weak, and we both know that.”
“Hmph.”
“Listen to me. You are strong. Surprisingly strong. Our kind are always so much the same, butyou
exceed the norm. You’re so brave it astonishes me. Your past lives are a testament to that.”
My past lives maybe, but this life? Where was my strength now?
“But humans are more individualized than we are,” Kathy went on. “There’s quite a range, and some of
them are much stronger than others. I truly believe that if anyone else had been put into this host, Melanie
would have crushed them in days. Maybe it’s an accident, maybe it’s fate, but it appears to me that the
strongest of our kind is being hosted by the strongest of theirs.”
“Doesn’t say much for our kind, does it?”
She heard the implication behind my words. “She’s not winning, Wanderer.You are this lovely person
beside me. She’s just a shadow in the corner of your mind.”
“She speaks to me, Kathy. She still thinks her own thoughts. She still keeps her secrets.”
“But she doesn’t speak for you, does she? I doubt I would be able to say as much in your place.”
I didn’t respond. I was feeling too miserable.
“I think you should consider reimplantation.”
“Kathy, you just said that she would crush a different soul. I don’t know if I believe that—you’re
probably just trying to do your job and comfort me. But if sheis so strong, it wouldn’t be fair to hand her
off to someone else because I can’t subdue her. Who would you choose to take her on?”
“I didn’t say that to comfort you, dear.”
“Then what —”
“I don’t think this host would be considered for reuse.”
“Oh!”
A shiver of horror jolted down my spine. And I wasn’t the only one who was staggered by the idea.
I was immediately repulsed. I was no quitter. Through the long revolutions around the suns of my last
planet—the world of the See Weeds, as they were known here—I had waited. Though the permanence
of being rooted began to wear long before I’d thought it would, though the lives of the See Weeds would
measure in centuries on this planet, I had not skipped out on the life term of my host. To do so was
But we werenot wasteful. We did make whatever we took better, more peaceful and beautiful. And the
humanswere brutish and ungovernable. They had killed one another so frequently that murder had been
an accepted part of life. The various tortures they’d devised over the few millennia they’d lasted had
been too much for me; I hadn’t been able to bear even the dry official overviews. Wars had raged over
the face of nearly every continent. Sanctioned murder, ordered and viciously effective. Those who lived
in peaceful nations had looked the other way as members of their own species starved on their doorstep.
There was no equality to the distribution of the planet’s bounteous resources. Most vile yet, their
offspring—the next generation, which my kind nearly worshipped for their promise—had all too often
been victims of heinous crimes. And not just at the hands of strangers, but at the hands of the caretakers
they were entrusted to. Even the huge sphere of the planet had been put into jeopardy through their
careless and greedy mistakes. No one could compare what had been and what was now and not admit
that Earth was a better place thanks to us.
You murder an entire species and then pat yourselves on the back.
My hands balled up into fists.
I could have you disposed of,I reminded her.
Go ahead. Make my murder official.
I was bluffing, but so was Melanie.
Oh, she thought she wanted to die. She’d thrown herself into the elevator shaft, after all. But that was in
a moment of panic and defeat. To consider it calmly from a comfortable chair was something else
altogether. I could feel the adrenaline—adrenaline called into being by her fear—shoot through my limbs
as I contemplated switching to a more pliant body.
It would be nice to be alone again. To have my mind to myself. This world was very pleasant in so many
novel ways, and it would be wonderful to be able to appreciate it without the distractions of an angry,
displaced nonentity who should have had better sense than to linger unwanted this way.
Melanie squirmed, figuratively, in the recesses of my head as I tried to consider it rationally. Maybe I
should give up.…
The words themselves made me flinch. I, Wanderer, give up? Quit? Admit failure and try again with a
weak, spineless host who wouldn’t give me any trouble?
I shook my head. I could barely stand to think of it.
And… this wasmy body. I was used to the feel of it. I liked the way the muscles moved over the bones,
the bend of the joints and the pull of the tendons. I knew the reflection in the mirror. The sun-browned
skin, the high, sharp bones of my face, the short silk cap of mahogany hair, the muddy green brown hazel
of my eyes—this was me.
I wanted myself. I wouldn’t let what was mine be destroyed.
CHAPTER 6
The light was finally fading outside the windows. The day, hot for March, had lingered on and on, as if
reluctant to end and set me free.
I sniffled and twisted the wet handkerchief into another knot. “Kathy, you must have other obligations.
Curt will be wondering where you are.”
“He’ll understand.”
“I can’t stay here forever. And we’re no closer to an answer than before.”
“Quick fixes aren’t my specialty. You are decided against a new host —”
“Yes.”
“So dealing with this will probably take some time.”
I clenched my teeth in frustration.
“And it will go faster and more smoothly if you have some help.”
“I’ll be better with making my appointments, I promise.”
“That’s not exactly what I mean, though I hope you will.”
“You mean help… other than you?” I cringed at the thought of having to relive today’s misery with a
stranger. “I’m sure you’re just as qualified as any Comforter—more so.”
“I didn’t mean another Comforter.” She shifted her weight in the chair and stretched stiffly. “How many
friends do you have, Wanderer?”
“You mean people at work? I see a few other teachers almost every day. There are several students I
speak to in the halls.…”
“Outside of the school?”
I stared at her blankly.
“Human hosts need interaction. You’re not used to solitude, dear. You shared an entire planet’s
thoughts —”
“We didn’t go out much.” My attempt at humor fell flat.
She smiled slightly and went on. “You’re struggling so hard with your problem that it’s all you can
concentrate on. Maybe one answer is to not concentrate quite so hard. You said Melanie grows bored
during your working hours… that she is more dormant. Perhaps if you developed some peer
relationships, those would bore her also.”
I pursed my lips thoughtfully. Melanie, sluggish from the long day of attempted comfort, did seem rather
Kathy nodded. “Get involved with life rather than with her.”
“That makes sense.”
“And then there are the physical drives these bodies have. I’ve never seen or heard of their equal. One
of the most difficult things we of the first wave had to conquer was the mating instinct. Believe me, the
humans noticed when you didn’t.” She grinned and rolled her eyes at some memory. When I didn’t react
as she’d expected, she sighed and crossed her arms impatiently. “Oh, come now, Wanderer. You must
have noticed.”
“Well, of course,” I mumbled. Melanie stirred restlessly. “Obviously. I’ve told you about the dreams.…”
“No, I didn’t mean just memories. Haven’t you come across anyone that your body has responded to in
the present—on strictly a chemical level?”
I thought her question through carefully. “I don’t think so. Not so I’ve noticed.”
“Trust me,” Kathy said dryly. “You’d notice.” She shook her head. “Perhaps you should open your eyes
and look around for that specifically. It might do you a lot of good.”
My body recoiled from the thought. I registered Melanie’s disgust, mirrored by my own.
Kathy read my expression. “Don’t let her control how you interact with your kind, Wanderer. Don’t let
her control you.”
My nostrils flared. I waited a moment to answer, reining in the anger that I’d never quite gotten used to.
“She does not control me.”
Kathy raised an eyebrow.
The anger tightened my throat. “You did not look too far afield for your current partner. Was that choice
controlled?”
She ignored my anger and considered the question thoughtfully.
“Perhaps,” she finally said. “It’s hard to know. But you’ve made your point.” She picked at a string in
the hem of her shirt, and then, as if realizing that she was avoiding my gaze, folded her hands resolutely
and squared her shoulders. “Who knows how much comes from any given host on any given planet? As
I said before, I think time is probably your answer. Whether she grows apathetic and silent gradually,
allowing you to make another choice besides this Jared, or… well, the Seekers are very good. They’re
already looking for him, and maybe you’ll remember something that helps.”
I didn’t move as her meaning sank in. She didn’t seem to notice that I was frozen in place.
“Perhaps they’ll find Melanie’s love, and then you can be together. If his feelings are as fervent as hers,
the new soul will probably be amenable.”
“No!” I wasn’t sure who had shouted. Itcould have been me. I was full of horror, too.
“Wanderer?”
But I turned and ran for the door, fighting the words that could not come out of my mouth. Words that
could not be my words. Words that made no sense unless they were hers, but theyfelt like mine. They
couldn’t be mine. They couldn’t be spoken.
That’s killing him! That’s making him cease to be! I don’t want someone else. I wantJared,not a
stranger in his body! The body means nothing without him.
I heard Kathy calling my name behind me as I ran into the road.
I didn’t live far from the Comforter’s office, but the darkness in the street disoriented me. I’d gone two
blocks before I realized I was running in the wrong direction.
People were looking at me. I wasn’t dressed for exercise, and I wasn’t jogging, I was fleeing. But no
one bothered me; they politely averted their eyes. They would guess that I was new to this host. Acting
out the way a child would.
I slowed to a walk, turning north so that I could loop around without passing Kathy’s office again.
My walk was only slightly slower than a run. I heard my feet hitting the sidewalk too quickly, as though
they were trying to match the tempo of a dance song.Slap, slap, slap against the concrete. No, it wasn’t
like a drumbeat, it was too angry. Like violence.Slap, slap, slap. Someone hitting someone else. I
shuddered away from the horrible image.
I could see the lamp on over my apartment door. It hadn’t taken me long to cover the distance. I didn’t
cross the road, though.
I felt sick. I remembered what it felt like to vomit, though I never had. The cold wetness dewed on my
forehead, the hollow sound rang in my ears. I was pretty sure I was about to have that experience for my
own.
There was a bank of grass beside the walk. Around a streetlamp there was a well-trimmed hedge. I had
no time to look for a better place. I stumbled to the light and caught the post to hold myself up. The
nausea was making me dizzy.
Yes, I was definitely going to experience throwing up.
“Wanderer, is that you? Wanderer, are you ill?”
The vaguely familiar voice was impossible to concentrate on. But it made things worse, knowing I had an
audience as I leaned my face close to the bush and violently choked up my most recent meal.
“Who’s your Healer here?” the voice asked. It sounded far away through the buzzing in my ears. A hand
touched my arched back. “Do you need an ambulance?”
I coughed twice and shook my head. I was sure it was over; my stomach was empty.
The Seeker from Chicago had her cell phone in her hand, trying to decide which authority to call. I took
one good look at her and bent over the leaves again. Empty stomach or no, she was the last person I
needed to see right now.
But, as my stomach heaved uselessly, I realized that there would be a reason for her presence.
Oh, no! Oh, no no no no no no!
“Why?” I gasped, panic and sickness stealing the volume from my voice. “Why are you here? What’s
happened?” The Comforter’s very uncomforting words pounded in my head.
I stared at the hands gripping the collar of the Seeker’s black suit for two seconds before I realized they
were mine.
“Stop!” she said, and there was outrage on her face. Her voice rattled.
I was shaking her.
My hands jerked open and landed against my face. “Excuse me!” I huffed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know
what I was doing.”
The Seeker scowled at me and smoothed the front of her outfit. “You’re not well, and I suppose I
startled you.”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you,” I whispered. “Why are you here?”
“Let’s get you to a Healing facility before we speak. If you have a flu, you should get it healed. There’s
no point in letting it wear your body down.”
“I don’t have a flu. I’m not ill.”
“Did you eat bad food? You must report where you got it.”
Her prying was very annoying. “I did not eat bad food, either. I’m healthy.”
“Why don’t you have a Healer check? A quick scan—you shouldn’t neglect your host. That’s
irresponsible. Especially when health care is so easy and effective.”
I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to shake her again. She was a full head shorter than I was. It
was a fight I would win.
A fight? I turned away from her and walked swiftly toward my home. I was dangerously emotional. I
needed to calm down before I did something inexcusable.
“Wanderer? Wait! The Healer —”
“I need no Healer,” I said without turning. “That was just… an emotional imbalance. I’m fine now.”
She was soon bored.
“So, Wanderer… or do you still go by that name? I don’t mean to be rude in calling you that.”
I didn’t look at her. “I still go by Wanderer.”
“Interesting. I pegged you for one that would choose her own.”
