wait! Just like I thought, only so muchworse! Iknew you were out here with them!One of them! Itold
them there was danger! Itold them!”
She stopped, panting, and took a step back from me, staring over my shoulder. I didn’t look away to
see what had made her retreat. I assumed it had something to do with what Jeb had just told me—once
the guns come up, she backs right down.I analyzed her expression for a moment as her heavy
breathing slowed.
“But they didn’t listen to you. So you came for us alone.”
The Seeker didn’t answer. She took another step back from me, doubt twisting her expression. She
looked oddly vulnerable for a second, as if my words had stripped away the shield she’d been hiding
behind.
“They’ll look for you, but in the end, they never believed you at all, did they?” I said, watching as each
word was confirmed in her desperate eyes. It made me very sure. “So they won’t take the search further
than that. When they don’t find you, their interest will fade. We’ll be careful, as usual. They won’t find
us.”
Now I could see true fear in her eyes for the first time. The terrible—to her—knowledge that I was
right. And I felt better for my nest of humans, my little family. Iwas right. They would be safe. Yet,
incongruously, I didn’t feel any better for myself.
I had no more questions for the Seeker. When I walked away, she would die. Would they wait until I
was far enough not to hear the shot? Was there anywhere in the caves that was far enough for that?
I stared at her angry, fearful face, and I knew how deeply I hated her. How much I never wanted to see
that face again for the rest of my lives.
The hate that made it impossible for me to allow her to die.
“I don’t know how to save you,” I whispered, too low for the humans to hear. Why did that sound like a
lie in my ears? “I can’t think of a way.”
right. All the bluster, all the threats… She wanted very much to stay alive.
I nodded at her accusation, a little absently because I was thinking hard and fast. “But still me,” I
murmured. “I don’t want… I don’t want…”
How to finish that sentence? I didn’t want… the Seeker to die? No. That wasn’t true.
I didn’t want… to hate the Seeker? To hate her so much that I wanted her to die. To have her die while
I hated her. Almost as if she diedbecause of my hate.
If I truly did not want her death, would I be able to think of a way to save her? Was it my hate that was
blocking an answer? Would I be responsible if she died?
Are you insane?Melanie protested.
She’d killed my friend, shot him dead in the desert, broken Lily’s heart. She’d put my family in danger.
As long as she lived, she was a danger to them. To Ian, to Jamie, to Jared. She would do everything in
her power to see them all dead.
That’s more like it.Melanie approved of this train of thought.
But if she dies, and I could have saved her if I’d wanted to… who am I then?
You have to be practical, Wanda. This is a war. Whose side are you on?
You know the answer to that.
I do. And that’s who you are, Wanda.
But… but what if I could do both? What if I could save her life and keep everyone here safe at the
same time?
A heavy wave of nausea rolled in my stomach as I saw the answer I’d been trying to believe didn’t exist.
The only wall I’d ever built between Melanie and me crumbled to dust.
No!Mel gasped. And then screamed,NO!
The answer I must have known I would find. The answer that explained my strange premonition.
Because I could save the Seeker. Of course I could. But it would cost me. A trade. What had Kyle
said? A life for a life.
The Seeker stared at me, her dark eyes full of venom.
CHAPTER 50
Sacrificed
The Seeker scrutinized my face while Mel and I fought.
Don’t be stupid, Mel. You of all people should see the potential of this choice. Isn’t this what you
want?
But even as I tried to look at the happy ending, I couldn’t escape the horror of this choice. This was the
secret I should die to protect. The information I’d been desperate to keep safe no matter what hideous
torture I was put through.
This was not the kind of torture I’d expected: a personal crisis of conscience, confused and complicated
by love for my human family. Very painful, nevertheless.
I could not claim to be an expatriate if I did this. No, I would be purely a traitor.
Not for her, Wanda! Not for her!Mel howled.
Should I wait? Wait until they catch another soul? An innocent soul whom I have no reason to
hate? I’ll have to make the decision sometime.
Not now! Wait! Think about this!
My stomach rolled again, and I had to hunch my body forward and take a deep breath. I just managed
not to gag.
“Wanda?” Jeb called in concern.
I could do it, Mel. I could justify letting her die if she was one of those innocent souls. I could let
them kill her then. I could trust myself to make an objective decision.
But she’s horrible, Wanda! We hate her!
Exactly. And Ican’ttrust myself. Look at how I almost didn’t see the answer…
“Wanda, you all right?”
The Seeker glared past me, toward Jeb’s voice.
“Fine, Jeb,” I gasped. My voice was breathy, strained. I was surprised at how bad it sounded.
The Seeker’s dark eyes flickered between us, unsure. Then she recoiled from me, cringing into the wall.
I recognized the pose—remembered exactly how it felt to hold it.
A gentle hand came down on my shoulder and spun me around.
“What’s going on with you, hon?” Jeb asked.
“I need a minute,” I told him breathlessly. I looked straight into his faded-denim eyes and told him
something that was most definitely not a lie. “I have one more question. But I really need a minute to
myself. Can you… wait for me?”
Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html
”
I nodded and walked as quickly as I could from the prison. My legs were stiff with terror at first, but I
found my stride as I moved. By the time I passed Aaron and Brandt, I was almost running.
“What happened?” I heard Aaron whisper to Brandt, his voice bewildered.
I wasn’t sure where to hide while I thought. My feet, like a shuttle on automatic pilot, took me through
the corridors toward my sleeping room. I could only hope that it would be empty.
It was dark, barely any light from the stars trickling down through the cracked ceiling. I didn’t see Lily till
I tripped over her in the darkness.
I almost didn’t recognize her tear-swollen face. She was curled into a tight, tiny ball on the floor in the
middle of the passageway. Her eyes were wide, not quite comprehending who I was.
“Why?” she asked me.
I stared at her wordlessly.
“I said that life and love go on. Butwhy do they? They shouldn’t. Not anymore. What’s the point?”
“I don’t know, Lily. I’m not sure what the point is.”
“Why?” she asked again, not speaking to me anymore. Her glassy eyes looked right through me.
I stepped carefully past her and hurried to my room. I had my own question that had to be answered.
To my great relief, the room was empty. I threw myself facedown on the mattress where Jamie and I
slept.
When I’d told Jeb I had one more question, that was the truth. But the question was not for the Seeker.
The question was for me.
The question was would I—notcould I—do it?
Icould save the Seeker’s life. I knew how. It would not endanger any of the lives here. Except my own.
I would have to trade that.
No.Melanie tried to be firm through her panic.
Please let me think.
No.
This is the thing, Mel. It’s inevitable anyway. I can see that now. I should have seen it long ago.
It’s so obvious.
No, it isn’t.
I remembered our conversation when Jamie was ill. When we were making up. I’d told her that I
It wasn’t so much a lie as it was an unfinished sentence. I couldn’t give her more than that—and stay
alive myself.
The actual lie had been given to Jared. I’d told him, just seconds later, that I didn’t know how to make
myself not exist. In the context of our discussion, it was true. I didn’t know how to fade away, here inside
Melanie. But I was surprised I hadn’t heard the obvious lie right then, hadn’t seen in that moment what I
was seeing now. Of course I knew how to make myself not exist.
It was just that I had never considered that option viable, ultimate betrayal that it was to every soul on
this planet.
Once the humans knew that I had this answer, the one they had murdered for over and over again, it
would cost me.
No, Wanda!
Don’t you want to be free?
A long pause.
I wouldn’t ask you for this,she finally said.And I wouldn’t do it for you. And I sure as hell wouldn’t
do it for the Seeker!
You don’t have to ask. I think I might have volunteered… eventually.
Why do you think that?she demanded, her tone close to a sob. It touched me. I expected her to be
elated.
In part because of them. Jared and Jamie. I can give them the whole world, everything they want.
I can give themyou.I probably would have realized that… someday. Who knows? Maybe Jared
would have asked. You know I wouldn’t have said no.
Ian’s right. You’re too self-sacrificing. You don’t have any limits. You need limits, Wanda!
Ah, Ian,I moaned. A new pain twisted through me, surprisingly close to my heart.
You’ll take the whole world away from him. Everything he wants.
It would never work with Ian. Not in this body, even though he loves it. It doesn’t love him.
Wanda, I…Melanie struggled for words. Still, the joy I expected from her did not come. Again, this
touched me.I don’t think I can let you do this. You’re more important than that. In the bigger
picture, you are of much more value to them than I am. You can help them; you can save them. I
can’t do any of that. You have to stay.
I can’t see any other way, Mel. I wonder how I didn’t see it sooner. It seems so completely
obvious.Of courseI have to go.Of courseI have to give you yourself back. I already knew we souls
were wrong to come here. So I don’t have any choice now but to do the right thing, and leave.
You all survived without me before; you’ll do it again. You’ve learned so much about the souls
No, Wanda, no.
She was crying, becoming incoherent. Her sorrow brought tears to my eyes. I’d no idea that she cared
so much for me. Almost as much as I cared for her. I hadn’t realized that we loved each other.
Even if Jared had never asked me for this, even if Jared did not exist… Once this path had occurred to
me, I would have had to proceed down it. I loved her that much.
No wonder the success rate for resistant hosts was so low here on Earth. Once we learned to love our
human host, what hope did we souls have? We could not exist at the expense of one we loved. Not a
soul. A soul could not live that way.
I rolled myself over and, in the starlight, I looked at my body.
My hands were dirty and scratched, but under the surface blemishes, they were beautiful. The skin was
a pretty sun-browned color; even bleached in the pale light, it was pretty. The nails were chewed short
but still healthy and smooth, with little half moons of white at the bases. I fluttered my fingers, watching
the muscles pull the bones in graceful patterns. I let them dance above me, where they became black fluid
shapes against the stars.
I ran them through my hair. It was almost to my shoulders now. Mel would like that. After a few weeks
of shampoo in hotel showers and Health vitamins, it was glossy and soft again.
I stretched my arms out as far as they would go, tugging against the tendons until some of my joints
cracked. My arms felt strong. They could pull me up a mountainside, they could carry a heavy load, they
could plow a field. But they were also soft. They could hold a child, they could comfort a friend, they
could love… but that was not for me.
I took a deep breath, and tears welled out of the corners of my eyes and rolled down my temples into
my hair.
I tensed the muscles in my legs, felt their ready strength and speed. I wanted to run, to have an open
field that I could race across just to see how fast I could go. I wanted to do this barefoot, so I could feel
the earth beneath my feet. I wanted to feel the wind fly through my hair. I wanted it to rain, so that I could
smell it in the air as I ran.
My feet flexed and pointed slowly, to the rhythm of my breathing. In and out. Flex and point. It felt nice.
I traced my face with my fingertips. They were warm on my skin, skin that was smooth and pretty. I was
glad I was giving Melanie her face back the way it had been. I closed my eyes and stroked my eyelids.
I’d lived in so many bodies, but never one I loved like this. Never one that I craved in this way. Of
course, this would be the one I’d have to give up.
The irony made me laugh, and I concentrated on the feel of the air that popped in little bubbles from my
chest and up through my throat. Laughter was like a fresh breeze—it cleaned its way through the body,
making everything feel good. Did other species have such a simple healer? I couldn’t remember one.
to kiss so many other beautiful bodies. I’d had more than some, even in this short time.
It was just so short! Maybe a year now, I wasn’t completely sure. Just one quick revolution of a blue
green planet around an unexceptional yellow star. The shortest life of any I’d ever lived.
The shortest, the most important, the most heartbreaking of lives. The life that would forever define me.
The life that had finally tied me to one star, to one planet, to one small family of strangers.
A little more time… would that be so wrong?
No,Mel whispered.Just take a little more time.
You never know how much time you’ll have,I whispered back.
But I did. I knew exactly how much time I had. I couldn’t take any more time. My time was up.
I was going anyway. I had to do the right thing, be my true self, with what time I had left.
With a sigh that seemed to come all the way from the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands, I got
up.
Aaron and Brandt wouldn’t wait forever. And now I had a few more questions that I needed answered.
This time, the questions were for Doc.
The caves were full of sad, cast-down eyes. It was easy enough to slip unobtrusively past them all. No
one cared what I was doing right now, except maybe Jeb, Brandt, and Aaron, and they weren’t here.
