"Because I say no!" Nately exploded in frustration. "Now don't argue with me. I'm the man and you have to do whatever I say. From now on, I forbid you ever to go out of this room unless you have all your clothes on. Is that clear?"
Nately's whore looked at him as though he were insane. "Are you crazy? Che succede?"
"I mean every word I say."
"Tu sei pazzo!" she shouted at him with incredulous indignation, and sprang out of bed. Snarling unintelligibly, she snapped on panties and strode toward the door.
Nately drew himself up with full manly authority. "I forbid you to leave this room that way," he informed her.
"Tu sei pazzo!" she shot back at him, after he had left, shaking her head in disbelief. "Idiota! Tu sei un pazzo imbecille!"
"Tu sei pazzo," said her thin kid sister, starting out after her in the same haughty walk.
"You come back here," Nately ordered her. "I forbid you to go out that way, too!"
"Idiota!" the kid sister called back at him with dignity after she had flounced past. "Tu sei un pazzo imbecille."
Nately fumed in circles of distracted helplessness for several seconds and then sprinted out into the sitting room to forbid his friends to look at his girl friend while she complained about him in only her panties.
"Why not?" asked Dunbar.
"Why not?" exclaimed Nately. "Because she's my girl now, and it isn't right for you to see her unless she's fully dressed."
"Why not?" asked Dunbar.
"You see?" said his girl with a shrug. "Lui è pazzo!"
"Si, è molto pazzo," echoed her kid sister.
"Then make her keep her clothes on if you don't want us to see her," argued Hungry Joe. "What the hell do you want from us?"
"She won't listen to me," Nately confessed sheepishly. "So from now on you'll all have to shut your eyes or look in the other direction when she comes in that way. Okay?"
"Madonn'!" cried his girl in exasperation, and stamped out of the room.
"Madonn'!" cried her kid sister, and stamped out behind her.
"Lui è pazzo," Yossarian observed good-naturedly. "I certainly have to admit it."
"Hey, you crazy or something?" Hungry Joe demanded of Nately. "The next thing you know you'll be trying to make her give up hustling."
"From now on," Nately said to his girl, "I forbid you to go out hustling."
"Perchè?" she inquired curiously.
"Perchè?" he screamed with amazement. "Because it's not nice, that's why!"
"Perchè no?"
"Because it just isn't!" Nately insisted. "It just isn't right for a nice girl like you to go looking for other men to sleep with. I'll give you all the money you need, so you won't have to do it any more."
"And what will I do all day instead?"
"Do?" said Nately. "You'll do what all your friends do."
"My friends go looking for men to sleep with."
"Then get new friends! I don't even want you to associate with girls like that, anyway. Prostitution is bad! Everybody knows that, even him." He turned with confidence to the experienced old man. "Am I right?"
"You're wrong," answered the old man. "Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble."
"From now on," Nately declared sternly to his girl friend, "I forbid you to have anything to do with that wicked old man."
"Va fongul!" his girl replied, rolling her harassed eyes up toward the ceiling. "What does he want from me?" she implored, shaking her fists. "Lasciami!" she told him in menacing entreaty. "Stupido! If you think my friends are so bad, go tell your friends not to ficky-fick all the time with my friends!"
"From now on," Nately told his friends, "I think you fellows ought to stop running around with her friends and settle down."
"Madonn'!" cried his friends, rolling their harassed eyes up toward the ceiling.
Nately had gone clear out of his mind. He wanted them all to fall in love right away and get married. Dunbar could marry Orr's whore, and Yossarian could fall in love with Nurse Duckett or anyone else he liked. After the war they could all work for Nately's father and bring up their children in the same suburb. Nately saw it all very clearly. Love had transmogrified him into a romantic idiot, and they drove him away back into the bedroom to wrangle with his girl over Captain Black. She agreed not to go to bed with Captain Black again or give him any more of Nately's money, but she would not budge an inch on her friendship with the ugly, ill-kempt, dissipated, filthy-minded old man, who witnessed Nately's flowering love affair with insulting derision and would not admit that Congress was the greatest deliberative body in the whole world.
"From now on," Nately ordered his girl firmly, "I absolutely forbid you even to speak to that disgusting old man."
"Again the old man?" cried the girl in wailing confusion. "Perchè no?"
"He doesn't like the House of Representatives."
"Mamma mia! What's the matter with you?"
"È pazzo," observed her kid sister philosophically. "That's what's the matter with him."
"Si," the older girl agreed readily, tearing at her long brown hair with both hands. "Lui è pazzo."
But she missed Nately when he was away and was furious with Yossarian when he punched Nately in the face with all his might and knocked him into the hospital with a broken nose.
34 THANKSGIVING
It was actually all Sergeant Knight's fault that Yossarian busted Nately in the nose on Thanksgiving Day, after everyone in the squadron had given humble thanks to Milo for providing the fantastically opulent meal on which the officers and enlisted men had gorged themselves insatiably all afternoon and for dispensing like inexhaustible largess the unopened bottles of cheap whiskey he handed out unsparingly to every man who asked. Even before dark, young soldiers with pasty white faces were throwing up everywhere and passing out drunkenly on the ground. The air turned foul. Other men picked up steam as the hours passed, and the aimless, riotous celebration continued. It was a raw, violent, guzzling saturnalia that spilled obstreperously through the woods to the officers' club and spread up into the hills toward the hospital and the antiaircraft-gun emplacements. There were fist fights in the squadron and one stabbing. Corporal Kolodny shot himself through the leg in the intelligence tent while playing with a loaded gun and had his gums and toes painted purple in the speeding ambulance as he lay on his back with the blood spurting from his wound. Men with cut fingers, bleeding heads, stomach cramps and broken ankles came limping penitently up to the medical tent to have their gums and toes painted purple by Gus and Wes and be given a laxative to throw into the bushes. The joyous celebration lasted long into the night, and the stillness was fractured often by wild, exultant shouts and by the cries of people who were merry or sick. There was the recurring sound of retching and moaning, of laughter, greetings, threats and swearing, and of bottles shattering against rock. There were dirty songs in the distance. It was worse than New Year's Eve.
Yossarian went to bed early for safety and soon dreamed that he was fleeing almost headlong down an endless wooden staircase, making a loud, staccato clatter with his heels. Then he woke up a little and realized someone was shooting at him with a machine gun. A tortured, terrified sob rose in his throat. His first thought was that Milo was attacking the squadron again, and he rolled of his cot to the floor and lay underneath in a trembling, praying ball, his heart thumping like a drop forge, his body bathed in a cold sweat. There was no noise of planes. A drunken, happy laugh sounded from afar. "Happy New Year, Happy New Year!" a triumphant familiar voice shouted hilariously from high above between the short, sharp bursts of machine gun fire, and Yossarian understood that some men had gone as a prank to one of the sandbagged machine-gun emplacements Milo had installed in the hills after his raid on the squadron and staffed with his own men.
Yossarian blazed with hatred and wrath when he saw he was the victim of an irresponsible joke that had destroyed his sleep and reduced him to a whimpering hulk. He wanted to kill, he wanted to murder. He was angrier than he had ever been before, angrier even than when he had slid his hands around McWatt's neck to strangle him. The gun opened fire again. Voices cried "Happy New Year!" and gloating laughter rolled down from the hills through the darkness like a witch's glee. In moccasins and coveralls, Yossarian charged out of his tent for revenge with his .45, ramming a clip of cartridges up into the grip and slamming the bolt of the gun back to load it. He snapped off the safety catch and was ready to shoot. He heard Nately running after him to restrain him, calling his name. The machine gun opened fire once more from a black rise above the motor pool, and orange tracer bullets skimmed like low-gliding dashes over the tops of the shadowy tents, almost clipping the peaks. Roars of rough laughter rang out again between the short bursts. Yossarian felt resentment boil like acid inside him; they were endangering his life, the bastards! With blind, ferocious rage and determination, he raced across the squadron past the motor pool, running as fast as he could, and was already pounding up into the hills along the narrow, winding path when Nately finally caught up, still calling "Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo!" with pleading concern and imploring him to stop. He grasped Yossarian's shoulders and tried to hold him back. Yossarian twisted free, turning. Nately reached for him again, and Yossarian drove his fist squarely into Nately's delicate young face as hard as he could, cursing him, then drew his arm back to hit him again, but Nately had dropped out of sight with a groan and lay curled up on the ground with his head buried in both hands and blood streaming between his fingers. Yossarian whirled and plunged ahead up the path without looking back.
Soon he saw the machine gun. Two figures leaped up in silhouette when they heard him and fled into the night with taunting laughter before he could get there. He was too late. Their footsteps receded, leaving the circle of sandbags empty and silent in the crisp and windless moonlight. He looked about dejectedly. Jeering laughter came to him again, from a distance. A twig snapped nearby. Yossarian dropped to his knees with a cold thrill of elation and aimed. He heard a stealthy rustle of leaves on the other side of the sandbags and fired two quick rounds. Someone fired back at him once, and he recognized the shot.
"Dunbar? he called.
"Yossarian?"
The two men left their hiding places and walked forward to meet in the clearing with weary disappointment, their guns down. They were both shivering slightly from the frosty air and wheezing from the labor of their uphill rush.
"The bastards," said Yossarian. "They got away."
"They took ten years off my life," Dunbar exclaimed. "I thought that son of a bitch Milo was bombing us again. I've never been so scared. I wish I knew who the bastards were.
"One was Sergeant Knight."
"Let's go kill him." Dunbar's teeth were chattering. "He had no right to scare us that way."
Yossarian no longer wanted to kill anyone. "Let's help Nately first. I think I hurt him at the bottom of the hill."
But there was no sign of Nately along the path, even though Yossarian located the right spot by the blood on the stones. Nately was not in his tent either, and they did not catch up with him until the next morning when they checked into the hospital as patients after learning he had checked in with a broken nose the night before. Nately beamed in frightened surprise as they padded into the ward in their slippers and robes behind Nurse Cramer and were assigned to their beds. Nately's nose was in a bulky cast, and he had two black eyes. He kept blushing giddily in shy embarrassment and saying he was sorry when Yossarian came over to apologize for hitting him. Yossarian felt terrible; he could hardly bear to look at Nately's battered countenance, even though the sight was so comical he was tempted to guffaw. Dunbar was disgusted by their sentimentality, and all three were relieved when Hungry Joe came barging in unexpectedly with his intricate black camera and trumped-up symptoms of appendicitis to be near enough to Yossarian to take pictures of him feeling up Nurse Duckett. Like Yossarian, he was soon disappointed. Nurse Duckett had decided to marry a doctor -- any doctor, because they all did so well in business -- and would not take chances in the vicinity of the man who might someday be her husband. Hungry Joe was irate and inconsolable until -- of all people -- the chaplain was led in wearing a maroon corduroy bathrobe, shining like a skinny lighthouse with a radiant grin of self-satisfaction too tremendous to be concealed. The chaplain had entered the hospital with a pain in his heart that the doctors thought was gas in his stomach and with an advanced case of Wisconsin shingles.
"What in the world are Wisconsin shingles?" asked Yossarian.
"That's just what the doctors wanted to know!" blurted out the chaplain proudly, and burst into laughter. No one had ever seen him so waggish, or so happy. "There's no such thing as Wisconsin shingles. Don't you understand? I lied. I made a deal with the doctors. I promised that I would let them know when my Wisconsin shingles went away if they would promise not to do anything to cure them. I never told a lie before. Isn't it wonderful?"
The chaplain had sinned, and it was good. Common sense told him that telling lies and defecting from duty were sins. On the other hand, everyone knew that sin was evil, and that no good could come from evil. But he did feel good; he felt positively marvelous. Consequently, it followed logically that telling lies and defecting from duty could not be sins. The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character. With effervescent agility the chaplain ran through the whole gamut of orthodox immoralities, while Nately sat up in bed with flushed elation, astounded by the mad gang of companions of which he found himself the nucleus. He was flattered and apprehensive, certain that some severe official would soon appear and throw the whole lot of them out like a pack of bums. No one bothered them. In the evening they all trooped exuberantly out to see a lousy Hollywood extravaganza in Technicolor, and when they trooped exuberantly back in after the lousy Hollywood extravaganza, the soldier in white was there, and Dunbar screamed and went to pieces.
