of contention, and one great cause of many quarrels, which from time
to time arose between them; and which at last ended, on the side of
the lady, in a sovereign contempt for her husband; and on the
husband's, in an utter abhorrence of his wife.
As these had both exercised their talents chiefly in the study of
divinity, this was, from their first acquaintance, the most common
topic of conversation between them. The captain, like a well-bred man,
had, before marriage, always given up his opinion to that of the lady;
and this, not in the clumsy awkward manner of a conceited blockhead,
who, while he civilly yields to a superior in an argument, is desirous
of being still known to think himself in the right. The captain, on
the contrary, though one of the proudest fellows in the world, so
absolutely yielded the victory to his antagonist, that she, who had
not the least doubt of his sincerity, retired always from the
dispute with an admiration of her own understanding and a love for
his.
But though this complacence to one whom the captain thoroughly
despised, was not so uneasy to him as it would have been had any hopes
of preferment made it necessary to show the same submission to a
Hoadley, or to some other of great reputation in the science, yet even
this cost him too much to be endured without some motive. Matrimony,
therefore, having removed all such motives, he grew weary of this
condescension, and began to treat the opinions of his wife with that
haughtiness and insolence, which none but those who deserve some
contempt themselves can bestow, and those only who deserve no contempt
can bear.
When the first torrent of tenderness was over, and when, in the calm
and long interval between the fits, reason began to open the eyes of
the lady, and she saw this alteration of behaviour in the captain, who
at length answered all her arguments only with pish and pshaw, she was
far from enduring the indignity with a tame submission. Indeed, it
at first so highly provoked her, that it might have produced some
tragical event, had it not taken a more harmless turn, by filling
her with the utmost contempt for her husband's understanding, which
somewhat qualified her hatred towards him; though of this likewise she
had a pretty moderate share.
The captain's hatred to her was of a purer kind: for as to any
imperfections in her knowledge or understanding, he no more despised
her for them, than for her not being six feet high. In his opinion
of the female sex, he exceeded the moroseness of Aristotle himself: he
looked on a woman as on an animal of domestic use, of somewhat
higher consideration than a cat, since her offices were of rather more
importance; but the difference between these two was, in his
estimation, so small, that, in his marriage contracted with Mr.
Allworthy's lands and tenements, it would have been pretty equal which
of them he had taken into the bargain. And yet so tender was his
pride, that it felt the contempt which his wife now began to express
towards him; and this, added to the surfeit he had before taken of her
love, created in him a degree of disgust and abhorrence, perhaps
hardly to be exceeded.
One situation only of the married state is excluded from pleasure:
and that is, a state of indifference: but as many of my readers, I
hope, know what an exquisite delight there is in conveying pleasure to
a beloved object, so some few, I am afraid, may have experienced the
satisfaction of tormenting one we hate. It is, I apprehend, to come at
this latter pleasure, that we see both sexes often give up that ease
in marriage which they might otherwise possess, though their mate
was never so disagreeable to them. Hence the wife often puts on fits
of love and jealousy, nay, even denies herself any pleasure, to
disturb and prevent those of her husband; and he again, in return,
puts frequent restraints on himself, and stays at home in company
which he dislikes, in order to confine his wife to what she equally
detests. Hence, too, must flow those tears which a widow sometimes
so plentifully sheds over the ashes of a husband with whom she led a
life of constant disquiet and turbulency, and whom now she can never
hope to torment any more.
But if ever any couple enjoyed this pleasure, it was at present
experienced by the captain and his lady. It was always a sufficient
reason to either of them to be obstinate in any opinion, that the
other had previously asserted the contrary. If the one proposed any
amusement, the other constantly objected to it: they never loved or
hated, commended or abused, the same person. And for this reason, as
the captain looked with an evil eye on the little foundling, his
wife began now to caress it almost equally with her own child.
The reader will be apt to conceive, that this behaviour between
the husband and wife did not greatly contribute to Mr. Allworthy's
repose, as it tended so little to that serene happiness which he had
designed for all three from this alliance; but the truth is, though he
might be a little disappointed in his sanguine expectations, yet he
was far from being acquainted with the whole matter; for, as the
captain was, from certain obvious reasons, much on his guard before
him, the lady was obliged, for fear of her brother's displeasure, to
pursue the same conduct. In fact, it is possible for a third person to
be very intimate, nay even to live long in the same house, with a
married couple, who have any tolerable discretion, and not even
guess at the sour sentiments which they bear to each other: for though
the whole day may be sometimes too short for hatred, as well as for
love; yet the many hours which they naturally spend together, apart
from all observers, furnish people of tolerable moderation with such
ample opportunity for the enjoyment of either passion, that, if they
love, they can support being a few hours in company without toying, or
if they hate, without spitting in each other's faces.
It is possible, however, that Mr. Allworthy saw enough to render him
a little uneasy; for we are not always to conclude, that a wise man is
not hurt, because he doth not cry out and lament himself, like those
of a childish or effeminate temper. But indeed it is possible he might
see some faults in the captain without any uneasiness at all; for
men of true wisdom and goodness are contented to take persons and
things as they are, without complaining of their imperfections, or
attempting to amend them. They can see a fault in a friend, a
relation, or an acquaintance, without ever mentioning it to the
parties themselves, or to any others; and this often without lessening
their affection. Indeed, unless great discernment be tempered with
this overlooking disposition, we ought never to contract friendship
but with a degree of folly which we can deceive; for I hope my friends
will pardon me when I declare, I know none of them without a fault;
and I should be sorry if I could imagine I had any friend who could
not see mine. Forgiveness of this kind we give and demand in turn.
It is an exercise of friendship, and perhaps none of the least
pleasant. And this forgiveness we must bestow, without desire of
amendment. There is, perhaps, no surer mark of folly, than an
attempt to correct the natural infirmities of those we love. The
finest composition of human nature, as well as the finest china, may
have a flaw in it; and this, I am afraid, in either case, is equally
incurable; though, nevertheless, the pattern may remain of the highest
value.
Upon the whole, then, Mr. Allworthy certainly saw some imperfections
in the captain; but as this was a very artful man, and eternally
upon his guard before him, these appeared to him no more than
blemishes in a good character, which his goodness made him overlook,
and his wisdom prevented him from discovering to the captain
himself. Very different would have been his sentiments had he
discovered the whole; which perhaps would in time have been the
case, had the husband and wife long continued this kind of behaviour
to each other; but this kind Fortune took effectual means to
prevent, by forcing the captain to do that which rendered him again
dear to his wife, and restored all her tenderness and affection
towards him.
Chapter 8
A receipt to regain the lost affections of a wife, which hath
never been known to fail in the most desperate cases
The captain was made large amends for the unpleasant minutes which
he passed in the conversation of his wife (and which were as few as he
could contrive to make them), by the pleasant meditations he enjoyed
when alone.
These meditations were entirely employed on Mr. Allworthy's fortune;
for, first, he exercised much thought in calculating, as well as he
could, the exact value of the whole: which calculations he often saw
occasion to alter in his own favour: and, secondly and chiefly, he
pleased himself with intended alterations in the house and gardens,
and in projecting many other schemes, as well for the improvement of
the estate as of the grandeur of the place: for this purpose he
applied himself to the studies of architecture and gardening, and read
over many books on both these subjects; for these sciences, indeed,
employed his whole time, and formed his only amusement. He at last
completed a most excellent plan: and very sorry we are, that it is not
in our power to present it to our reader, since even the luxury of the
present age, I believe, would hardly match it. It had, indeed, in a
superlative degree, the two principal ingredients which serve to
recommend all great and noble designs of this nature; for it
required an immoderate expense to execute, and a vast length of time
to bring it to any sort of perfection. The former of these, the
immense wealth of which the captain supposed Mr. Allworthy
possessed, and which he thought himself sure of inheriting, promised
very effectually to supply; and the latter, the soundness of his own
constitution, and his time of life, which was only what is called
middle-age, removed all apprehension of his not living to accomplish.
Nothing was wanting to enable him to enter upon the immediate
execution of this plan, but the death of Mr. Allworthy; in calculating
which he had employed much of his own algebra, besides purchasing
every book extant that treats of the value of lives, reversions, &c.
From all which he satisfied himself, that as he had every day a chance
of this happening, so had he more than an even chance of its happening
within a few years.
But while the captain was one day busied in deep contemplations of
this kind, one of the most unlucky as well as unseasonable accidents
happened to him. The utmost malice of Fortune could, indeed, have
contrived nothing so cruel, so mal-a-propos, so absolutely destructive
to all his schemes. In short, not to keep the reader in long suspense,
just at the very instant when his heart was exulting in meditations on
the happiness which would accrue to him by Mr. Allworthy's death, he
himself- died of an apoplexy.
This unfortunately befel the captain as he was taking his evening
walk by himself, so that nobody was present to lend him any
assistance, if indeed, any assistance could have preserved him. He
took, therefore, measure of that proportion of soil which was now
become adequate to all his future purposes, and he lay dead on the
ground, a great (though not a living) example of the truth of that
observation of Horace:
Tu secanda marmora
Locas sub ipsum funus; et sepulchri
Immemor, struis domos.
Which sentiment I shall thus give to the English reader: "You
provide the noblest materials for building, when a pickaxe and a spade
are only necessary: and build houses of five hundred by a hundred
feet, forgetting that of six by two."
Chapter 9
A proof of the infallibility of the foregoing receipt, in the
lamentations of the widow; with other suitable decorations of death,
such as physicians, &c., and an epitaph in the true stile
Mr. Allworthy, his sister, and another lady, were assembled at the
accustomed hour in the supper-room, where, having waited a
considerable time longer than usual, Mr. Allworthy first declared he
began to grow uneasy at the captain's stay (for he was always most
punctual at his meals); and gave orders that the bell should be rung
without the doors, and especially towards those walks which the
captain was wont to use.
All these summons proving ineffectual (for the captain had, by
perverse accident, betaken himself to a new walk that evening), Mrs.
Blifil declared she was seriously frightened. Upon which the other
lady, who was one of her most intimate acquaintance, and who well knew
the true state of her affections, endeavoured all she could to
pacify her, telling her- To be sure she could not help being uneasy;
but that she should hope the best. That, perhaps the sweetness of
the evening had inticed the captain to go farther than his usual walk:
or he might be detained at some neighbour's. Mrs. Blifil answered, No;
she was sure some accident had befallen him; for that he would never
stay out without sending her word, as he must know how uneasy it would
make her. The other lady, having no other arguments to use, betook
herself to the entreaties usual on such occasions, and begged her
not to frighten herself, for it might be of very ill consequence to
her own health; and, filling out a very large glass of wine,
advised, and at last prevailed with her to drink it.
Mr. Allworthy now returned into the parlour; for he had been himself
in search after the captain. His countenance sufficiently showed the
consternation he was under, which, indeed, had a good deal deprived
him of speech; but as grief operates variously on different minds,
so the same apprehension which depressed his voice, elevated that of
Mrs. Blifil. She now began to bewail herself in very bitter terms, and
floods of tears accompanied her lamentations; which the lady, her
