or perhaps mere chance, sent an accident in her way, which at once
preserved her fidelity, and even facilitated the intended business.
Mrs. Western's maid claimed great superiority over Mrs. Honour on
several accounts. First, her birth was higher; for her
great-grandmother by the mother's side was a cousin, not far
removed, to an Irish peer. Secondly, her wages were greater. And
lastly, she had been at London, and had of consequence seen more of
the world. She had always behaved, therefore, to Mrs. Honour with that
reserve, and had always exacted of her those marks of distinction,
which every order of females preserves and requires in conversation
with those of an inferior order. Now as Honour did not at all times
agree with this doctrine, but would frequently break in upon the
respect which the other demanded, Mrs. Western's maid was not at all
pleased with her company; indeed, she earnestly longed to return
home to the house of her mistress, where she domineered at will over
all the other servants. She had been greatly, therefore,
disappointed in the morning, when Mrs. Western had changed her mind on
the very point of departure; and had been in what is vulgarly called a
glouting humour ever since.
In this humour, which was none of the sweetest, she came into the
room where Honour was debating with herself in the manner we have
above related. Honour no sooner saw her, than she addressed her in the
following obliging phrase: "Soh, madam, I find we are to have the
pleasure of your company longer, which I was afraid the quarrel
between my master and your lady would have robbed us of."- "I don't
know, madam," answered the other, "what you mean by we and us. I
assure you I do not look on any of the servants in this house to be
proper company for me. I am company, I hope, for their betters every
day in the week. I do not speak on your account, Mrs. Honour; for
you are a civilized young woman; and when you have seen a little
more of the world, I should not be ashamed to walk with you in St.
James's Park."- "Hoity toity!" cries Honour, "madam is in her airs, I
protest. Mrs. Honour, forsooth! sure, madam, you might call me by my
sir-name; for though my lady calls me Honour, I have a sir-name as
well as other folks. Ashamed to walk with me, quotha! marry, as good
as yourself, I hope."- "Since you make such a return to my civility,"
said the other, "I must acquaint you, Mrs. Honour, that you are not so
good as me. In the country, indeed, one is obliged to take up with all
kind of trumpery; but in town I visit none but the women of women of
quality. Indeed, Mrs. Honour, there is some difference, I hope,
between you and me."- "I hope so too," answered Honour: "there is
some difference in our ages, and- I think in our persons." Upon
speaking which last words, she strutted by Mrs. Western's maid with
the most provoking air of contempt; turning up her nose, tossing her
head, and violently brushing the hoop of her competitor with her
own. The other lady put on one of her most malicious sneers, and said,
"Creature! you are below my anger; and it is beneath me to give ill
words to such an audacious saucy trollop; but, hussy, I must tell you,
your breeding shows the meanness of your birth as well as of your
education; and both very properly qualify you to be the mean
serving-woman of a country-girl."- "Don't abuse my lady," cries
Honour: "I won't take that of you; she's as much better than yours as
she is younger, and ten thousand times more handsomer."
Here ill luck, or rather good luck, sent Mrs. Western to see her
maid in tears, which began to flow plentifully at her approach; and of
which being asked the reason by her mistress, she presently acquainted
her that her tears were occasioned by the rude treatment of that
creature there- meaning Honour. "And, madam," continued she, "I could
have despised all she said to me; but she hath had the audacity to
affront your ladyship, and to call you ugly- Yes, madam, she called
you ugly old cat to my face. I could not bear to hear your ladyship
called ugly."- "Why do you repeat her impudence so often?" said Mrs.
Western. And then turning to Mrs. Honour, she asked her "How she had
the assurance to mention her name with disrespect?"- "Disrespect,
madam!" answered Honour; "I never mentioned your name at all: I said
somebody was not as handsome as my mistress, and to be sure you know
that as well as I."- "Hussy," replied the lady, I will make such a
saucy trollop as yourself know that I am not a proper subject of
your discourse. And if my brother doth not discharge you this
moment, I will never sleep in his house again. I will find him out,
and have you discharged this moment."- "Discharged!" cries Honour;
"and suppose I am: there are more places in the world than one. Thank
Heaven, good servants need not want places; and if you turn away all
who do not think you handsome, you will want servants very soon; let
me tell you that."
Mrs. Western spoke, or rather thundered, in answer; but as she was
hardly articulate, we cannot be very certain of the identical words;
we shall therefore omit inserting a speech which at best would not
greatly redound to her honour. She then departed in search of her
brother, with a countenance so full of rage, that she resembled one of
the furies rather than a human creature.
The two chambermaids being again left alone, began a second bout
at altercation, which soon produced a combat of a more active kind. In
this the victory belonged to the lady of inferior rank, but not
without some loss of blood, of hair, and of lawn and muslin.
Chapter 9
The wise demeanour of Mr. Western in the character of a
magistrate. A hint to justices of peace, concerning the necessary
qualifications of a clerk; with extraordinary instances of paternal
madness and filial affection
Logicians sometimes prove too much by an argument, and politicians
often overreach themselves in a scheme. Thus had it like to have
happened to Mrs. Honour, who, instead of recovering the rest of her
clothes, had like to have stopped even those she had on her back
from escaping; for the squire no sooner heard of her having abused his
sister, than he swore twenty oaths he would send her to Bridewell.
Mrs. Western was a very good-natured woman, and ordinarily of a
forgiving temper. She had lately remitted the trespass of a
stage-coachman, who had overturned her post-chaise into a ditch;
nay, she had even broken the law, in refusing to prosecute a
highwayman who had robbed her, not only of a sum of money, but of
her ear-rings; at the same time d--ning her, and saying, "Such
handsome b-s as you don't want jewels to set them off, and be d--n'd
to you." But now, so uncertain are our tempers, and so much do we at
different times differ from ourselves, she would hear of no
mitigations; nor could all the affected penitence of Honour, nor all
the entreaties of Sophia for her own servant, prevail with her to
desist from earnestly desiring her brother to execute justiceship (for
it was indeed a syllable more than justice) on the wench.
But luckily the clerk had a qualification, which no clerk to a
justice of peace ought ever to be without, namely, some
understanding in the law of this realm. He therefore whispered in
the ear of the justice that he would exceed his authority by
committing the girl to Bridewell, as there had been no attempt to
break the peace; "for I am afraid, sir," says he, "you cannot
legally commit any one to Bridewell only for ill-breeding."
In matters of high importance, particularly in cases relating to the
game, the justice was not always attentive to these admonitions of his
clerk; for, indeed, in executing the laws under that head, many
justices of peace suppose they have a large discretionary power, by
virtue of which, under the notion of searching for and taking away
engines for the destruction of the game, they often commit trespasses,
and sometimes felony, at their pleasure.
But this offence was not of quite so high a nature, nor so dangerous
to the society. Here, therefore, the justice behaved with some
attention to the advice of his clerk; for, in fact, he had already had
two informations exhibited against him in the King's Bench, and had no
curiosity to try a third.
The squire, therefore, putting on a most wise and significant
countenance, after a preface of several hums and hahs, told his
sister, that upon more mature deliberation, he was of opinion, that
"as there was no breaking up of the peace, such as the law," says
he, "calls breaking open a door, or breaking a hedge, or breaking a
head, or any such sort of breaking, the matter did not amount to a
felonious kind of a thing, nor trespasses, nor damages, and,
therefore, there was no punishment in the law for it."
Mrs. Western said, "she knew the law much better; that she had known
servants very severely punished for affronting their masters;" and
then named a certain justice of the peace in London, "who," she
said, "would commit a servant to Bridewell at any time when a master
or mistress desired it."
"Like enough,"cries the squire; "it may be so in London; but the law
is different in the country." Here followed a very learned dispute
between the brother and sister concerning the law, which we would
insert, if we imagined many of our readers could understand it. This
was, however, at length referred by both parties to the clerk, who
decided it in favour of the magistrate; and Mrs. Western was, in the
end, obliged to content herself with the satisfaction of having Honour
turned away; to which Sophia herself very readily and cheerfully
consented.
Thus Fortune, after having diverted herself, according to custom,
with two or three frolicks, at last disposed all matters to the
advantage of our heroine; who indeed succeeded admirably well in her
deceit, considering it was the first she had ever practised. And, to
say the truth, I have often concluded, that the honest part of mankind
would be much too hard for the knavish, if they could bring themselves
to incur the guilt, or thought it worth their while to take the
trouble.
Honour acted her part to the utmost perfection. She no sooner saw
herself secure from all danger of Bridewell, a word which had raised
most horrible ideas in her mind, than she resumed those airs which her
terrors before had a little abated; and laid down her place, with as
much affectation of content, and indeed of contempt, as was ever
practised at the resignation of places of much greater importance.
If the reader pleases, therefore, we chuse rather to say she
resigned- which hath, indeed, been always held a synonymous
expression with being turned out, or turned away.
Mr. Western ordered her to be very expeditious in packing; for his
sister declared she would not sleep another night under the same
roof with so impudent a slut. To work therefore she went, and that
so earnestly, that everything was ready early in the evening; when,
having received her wages, away packed bag and baggage, to the great
satisfaction of every one, but of none more than of Sophia; who,
having appointed her maid to meet her at a certain place not far
from the house, exactly at the dreadful and ghostly hour of twelve,
began to prepare for her own departure.
But first she was obliged to give two painful audiences, the one
to her aunt, and the other to her father. In these Mrs. Western
herself began to talk to her in a more peremptory stile than before;
but her father treated her in so violent and outrageous a manner, that
he frightened her into an affected compliance with his will; which
so highly pleased the good squire, that he changed his frowns into
smiles, and his menaces into promises: he vowed his whole soul was
wrapt in hers; that her consent (for so he construed the words, "You
know, sir, I must not, nor can, refuse to obey any absolute command of
yours") had made him the happiest of mankind. He then gave her a large
bank-bill to dispose of in any trinkets she pleased, and kissed and
embraced her in the fondest manner, while tears of joy trickled from
those eyes which a few moments before had darted fire and rage against
the dear object of all his affection.
Instances of this behaviour in parents are so common, that the
reader, I doubt not, will be very little astonished at the whole
conduct of Mr. Western. If he should, I own I am not able to account
for it; since that he loved his daughter most tenderly, is, I think,
beyond dispute. So indeed have many others, who have rendered their
children most completely miserable by the same conduct; which,
though it is almost universal in parents, hath always appeared to me
to be the most unaccountable of all the absurdities which ever entered
into the brain of that strange prodigious creature man.
The latter part of Mr. Western's behaviour had so strong an effect
on the tender heart of Sophia, that it suggested a thought to her,
which not all the sophistry of her politic aunt, nor all the menaces
of her father, had ever once brought into her head. She reverenced her
father so piously, and loved him so passionately, that she had
scarce ever felt more pleasing sensations, than what arose from the
share she frequently had of contributing to his amusement, and
sometimes, perhaps, to higher gratifications; for he never could
contain the delight of hearing her commended, which he had the
satisfaction of hearing almost every day of her life. The idea,
therefore, of the immense happiness she should convey to her father by
her consent to this match, made a strong impression on her mind.
Again, the extreme piety of such an act of obedience worked very
forcibly, as she had a very deep sense of religion. Lastly, when she
