the prig, Adderly, smoke him." Then turning to Jones, said to him,
"I am very glad, sir, you have chosen our regiment to be a volunteer
in; for if our parson should at any time take a cup too much, I find
you can supply his place. I presume, sir, you have been at the
university; may I crave the favour to know what college?"
"Sir," answered Jones, "so far from having been at the university, I
have even had the advantage of yourself, for I was never at school."
"I presumed," cries the ensign, "only upon the information of your
great learning."- "Oh! sir," answered Jones, "it is as possible for a
man to know something without having been at school, as it is to
have been at school and to know nothing."
"Well said, young volunteer," cries the lieutenant. "Upon my word,
Northerton, you had better let him alone; for he will be too hard
for you."
Northerton did not very well relish the sarcasm of Jones; but he
thought the provocation was scarce sufficient to justify a blow, or
a rascal, or scoundrel, which were the only repartees that suggested
themselves. He was, therefore, silent at present; but resolved to take
the first opportunity of returning the jest by abuse.
It now came to the turn of Mr. Jones to give a toast, as it is
called; who could not refrain from mentioning his dear Sophia. This he
did the more readily, as he imagined it utterly impossible that any
one present should guess the person he meant.
But the lieutenant, who was the toast-master, was not contented with
Sophia only. He said, he must have her sir-name; upon which Jones
hesitated a little, and presently after named Miss Sophia Western.
Ensign Northerton declared he would not drink her health in the same
round with his own toast, unless somebody would vouch for her. "I knew
one Sophy Western," says he, "that was lain with by half the young
fellows at Bath; and perhaps this is the same woman." Jones very
solemnly assured him of the contrary; asserting that the young lady he
named was one of great fashion and fortune. "Ay, ay," says the ensign,
"and so she is: d--n me, it is the same woman; and I'll hold half a
dozen of Burgundy, Tom French of our regiment brings her into
company with us at any tavern in Bridges-street." He then proceeded to
describe her person exactly (for he had seen her with her aunt), and
concluded with saying, "that her father had a great estate in
Somersetshire."
The tenderness of lovers can ill brook the least jesting with the
names of their mistresses. However, Jones, though he had enough of the
lover and of the heroe too in his disposition, did not resent these
slanders as hastily as, perhaps, he ought to have done. To say the
truth, having seen but little of this kind of wit, he did not
readily understand it, and for a long time imagined Mr. Northerton had
really mistaken his charmer for some other. But now, turning to the
ensign with a stern aspect, he said, "Pray, sir, chuse some other
subject for your wit; for I promise you I will bear no jesting with
this lady's character." "Jesting!" cries the other, "d--n me if ever
I was more in earnest in my life. Tom French of our regiment had
both her and her aunt at Bath." "Then I must tell you in earnest,"
cried Jones, "that you are one of the most impudent rascals upon
earth."
He had no sooner spoken these words, than the ensign, together
with a volley of curses, discharged a bottle full at the head of
Jones, which hitting him a little above the right temple, brought
him instantly to the ground.
The conqueror perceiving the enemy to lie motionless before him, and
blood beginning to flow pretty plentifully from his wound, began now
to think of quitting the field of battle, where no more honour was
to be gotten; but the lieutenant interposed, by stepping before the
door, and thus cut off his retreat.
Northerton was very importunate with the lieutenant for his liberty;
urging the ill consequences of his stay, asking him, what he could
have done less? "Zounds!" says he, "I was but in jest with the fellow.
I never heard any harm of Miss Western in my life." "Have not you?"
said the lieutenant; "then you richly deserve to be hanged, as well
for making such jests, as for using such a weapon: you are my
prisoner, sir; nor shall you stir from hence till a proper guard comes
to secure you."
Such an ascendant had our lieutenant over this ensign, that all that
fervency of courage which had levelled our poor heroe with the
floor, would scarce have animated the said ensign to have drawn his
sword against the lieutenant, had he then had one dangling at his
side: but all the swords being hung up in the room, were, at the
very beginning of the fray, secured by the French officer. So that Mr.
Northerton was obliged to attend the final issue of this affair.
The French gentleman and Mr. Adderly, at the desire of their
commanding officer, had raised up the body of Jones, but as they could
perceive but little (if any) sign of life in him, they again let him
fall, Adderly damning him for having blooded his waistcoat; and the
Frenchman declaring, "Begar, me no tush the Engliseman de mort: me
have heard de Englise ley, law, what you call, hang up de man dat tush
him last."
When the good lieutenant applied himself to the door, he applied
himself likewise to the bell; and the drawer immediately attending, he
dispatched him for a file of musqueteers and a surgeon. These
commands, together with the drawer's report of what he had himself
seen, not only produced the soldiers, but presently drew up the
landlord of the house, his wife, and servants, and, indeed, every
one else who happened at that time to be in the inn.
To describe every particular, and to relate the whole conversation
of the ensuing scene, is not within my power, unless I had forty pens,
and could, at once, write with them all together, as the company now
spoke. The reader must, therefore, content himself with the most
remarkable incidents, and perhaps he may very well excuse the rest.
The first thing done was securing the body of Northerton, who
being delivered into the custody of six men with a corporal at their
head, was by them conducted from a place which he was very willing
to leave, but it was unluckily to a place whither he was very
unwilling to go. To say the truth, so whimsical are the desires of
ambition, the very moment this youth had attained the
above-mentioned honour, he would have been well contented to have
retired to some corner of the world, where the fame of it should never
have reached his ears.
It surprizes us, and so perhaps, it may the reader, that the
lieutenant, a worthy and good man, should have applied his chief care,
rather to secure the offender, than to preserve the life of the
wounded person. We mention this observation, not with any view of
pretending to account for so odd a behaviour, but lest some critic
should hereafter plume himself on discovering it. We would have
these gentlemen know we can see what is odd in characters as well as
themselves, but it is our business to relate facts as they are; which,
when we have done, it is the part of the learned and sagacious
reader to consult that original book of nature, whence every passage
in our work is transcribed, though we quote not always the
particular page for its authority.
The company which now arrived were of a different disposition.
They suspended their curiosity concerning the person of the ensign,
till they should see him hereafter in a more engaging attitude. At
present, their whole concern and attention were employed about the
bloody object on the floor; which being placed upright in a chair,
soon began to discover some symptoms of life and motion. These were no
sooner perceived by the company (for Jones was at first generally
concluded to be dead) than they all fell at once to prescribing for
him (for as none of the physical order was present, every one there
took that office upon him).
Bleeding was the unanimous voice of the whole room; but unluckily
there was no operator at hand; every one then cried, "Call the
barber;" but none stirred a step. Several cordials was likewise
prescribed in the same ineffective manner; till the landlord ordered
up a tankard of strong beer, with a toast, which he said was the
best cordial in England.
The person principally assistant on this occasion, indeed the only
one who did any service, or seemed likely to do any, was the landlady:
she cut off some of her hair, and applied it to the wound to stop
the blood; she fell to chafing the youth's temples with her hand;
and having exprest great contempt for her husband's prescription of
beer, she despatched one of her maids to her own closet for a bottle
of brandy, of which, as soon as it was brought, she prevailed on
Jones, who was just returned to his senses, to drink a very large
and plentiful draught.
Soon afterwards arrived the surgeon, who having viewed the wound,
having shaken his head, and blamed everything which was done,
ordered his patient instantly to bed; in which place we think proper
to leave him some time to his repose, and shall here, therefore, put
an end to this chapter.
Chapter 13
Containing the great address of the landlady, the great learning
of a surgeon, and the solid skill in casuistry of the worthy
lieutenant
When the wounded man was carried to his bed, and the house began
again to clear up from the hurry which this accident had occasioned,
the landlady thus addressed the commanding officer: "I am afraid,
sir," said she, "this young man did not behave himself as well as he
should do to your honours; and if he had been killed, I suppose he had
but his desarts: to be sure, when gentlemen admit inferior parsons
into their company, they oft to keep their distance; but, as my
first husband used to say, few of 'em know how to do it. For my own
part, I am sure I should not have suffered any fellows to include
themselves into gentlemen's company; but I thoft he had been an
officer himself, till the serjeant told me he was but a recruit."
"Landlady," answered the lieutenant, "you mistake the whole
matter. The young man behaved himself extremely well, and is, I
believe, a much better gentleman than the ensign who abused him. If
the young fellow dies, the man who struck him will have most reason to
be sorry for it; for the regiment will get rid of a very troublesome
fellow, who is a scandal to the army; and if he escapes from the hands
of justice, blame me, madam, that's all."
"Ay! ay! good lack-a-day!" said the landlady; "who could have
thoft it? Ay, ay, ay, I am satisfied your honour will see justice
done; and to be sure it oft to be to every one. Gentlemen oft not to
kill poor folks without answering for it. A poor man hath a soul to be
saved, as well as his betters."
"Indeed, madam," said the lieutenant, "you do the volunteer wrong: I
dare swear he is more of a gentleman than the officer."
"Ay!" cries the landlady; "why, look you there, now: well, my
first husband was a wise man; he used to say, you can't always know
the inside by the outside. Nay, that might have been well enough
too; for I never saw'd him till he was all over blood. Who would
have thoft it? mayhap, some young gentleman crossed in love. Good
lack-a-day, if he should die, what a concern it will be to his
parents! why, sure the devil must possess the wicked wretch to do such
an act. To be sure, he is a scandal to the army, as your honour
says; for most of the gentlemen of the army that ever I saw, are quite
different sort of people, and look as if they would scorn to spill any
Christian blood as much as any men: I mean, that is, in a civil way,
as my first husband used to say. To be sure, when they come into the
wars, there must be bloodshed: but that they are not to be blamed for.
The more of our enemies they kill there, the better: and I wish,
with all my heart, they could kill every mother's son of them."
"O fie, madam!" said the lieutenant, smiling; "all is rather too
bloody-minded a wish."
"Not at all, sir," answered she; "I am not at all bloody-minded,
only to our enemies; and there is no harm in that. To be sure it is
natural for us to wish our enemies dead, that the wars may be at an
end, and our taxes be lowered; for it is a dreadful thing to pay as we
do. Why now, there is above forty shillings for window-lights, and yet
we have stopt up all we could; we have almost blinded the house, I
am sure. Says I to the exciseman, says I, I think you oft to favour
us; I am sure we are very good friends to the government: and so we
are for sartain, for we pay a mint of money to 'um. And yet I often
think to myself the government doth not imagine itself more obliged to
us, than to those that don't pay 'um a farthing. Ay, ay, it is the way
of the world."
She was proceeding in this manner when the surgeon entered the room.
The lieutenant immediately asked how his patient did. But he
resolved him only by saying, "Better, I believe, than he would have
been by this time, if I had not been called; and even as it is,
perhaps it would have been lucky if I could have been called
sooner."- "I hope, sir," said the lieutenant, "the skull is not
fractured."- "Hum," cries the surgeon: "fractures are not always the
most dangerous symptoms. Contusions and lacerations are often attended
with worse phaenomena, and with more fatal consequences, than
fractures. People who know nothing of the matter conclude, if the
skull is not fractured, all is well; whereas, I had rather see a man's
skull broke all to pieces, than some contusions I have met with."- "I
