they went directly to that inn which in their eyes presented the
fairest appearance to the street. Here Jones, having ordered a servant
to show a room above stairs, was ascending, when the dishevelled fair,
hastily following, was laid hold on by the master of the house, who
cried, "Heyday, where is that beggar wench going? Stay below stairs,
desire you." But Jones at that instant thundered from above, "Let
the lady come up," in so authoritative a voice, that the good man
instantly withdrew his hands, and the lady made best of her way to the
chamber.
Here Jones wished her joy of her safe arrival, and then departed, in
order, as he promised, to send the landlady up with some cloaths.
The poor woman thanked him heartily for his kindness, and said, she
hoped she should see him again soon, to thank him a thousand times
more. During this short conversation, she covered her white bosom as
well as she could possibly with her arms; for Jones could not avoid
stealing a sly peep or two, though he took all imaginable care to
avoid giving any offence.
Our travellers had happened to take up their residence at a house of
exceeding good repute, whither Irish ladies of strict virtue, and many
northern lasses of the same predicament, were accustomed to resort
in their way to Bath. The landlady therefore would by no means have
admitted any conversation of a disreputable kind to pass under her
roof. Indeed, so foul and contagious are all such proceedings, that
they contaminate the very innocent scenes where they are committed,
and give the name of a bad house, or a house of ill repute, to all
those where they are suffered to be carried on.
Not that I would intimate that such strict chastity as was preserved
in the temple of Vesta can possibly be maintained at a public inn.
My good landlady did not hope for such a blessing, nor would any of
the ladies I have spoken of, or indeed any others of the most rigid
note, have expected or insisted on any such thing. But to exclude
all vulgar concubinage, and to drive all whores in rags from within
the walls, is within the power of every one. This my landlady very
strictly adherred to, and this her virtuous guests, who did not travel
in rags, would very reasonably have expected of her.
Now it required no very blameable degree of suspicion to imagine
that Mr. Jones and his ragged companion had certain purposes in
their intention, which, though tolerated in some Christian
countries, connived at in others, and practised in all, are however as
expressly forbidden as murder, or any other horrid vice, by that
religion which is universally believed in those countries. The
landlady, therefore, had no sooner received an intimation of the
entrance of the above-said persons than she began to meditate the most
expeditious means for their expulsion. In order to this, she had
provided herself with a long and deadly instrument, with which, in
times of peace, the chambermaid was wont to demolish the labours of
the industrious spider. In vulgar phrase, she had taken up the
broomstick, and was just about to sally from the kitchen, when Jones
accosted her with a demand of a gown and other vestments, to cover the
half-naked woman upstairs.
Nothing can be more provoking to the human temper, nor more
dangerous to that cardinal virtue, patience, than solicitations of
extraordinary offices of kindness on behalf of those very persons with
whom we are highly incensed. For this reason Shakespear hath
artfully introduced his Desdemona soliciting favours for Cassio of her
husband, as the means of inflaming, not only his jealousy, but his
rage, to the highest pitch of madness; and we find the unfortunate
Moor less able to command his passion on this occasion, than even when
he beheld his valued present to his wife in the hands of his
supposed rival. In fact, we regard these efforts as insults on our
understanding, and to such the pride of man is very difficultly
brought to submit.
My landlady, though a very good-tempered woman, had, I suppose, some
of this pride in her composition, for Jones had scarce ended his
request, when she fell upon him with a certain weapon, which, though
it be neither long, nor sharp, nor hard, nor indeed threatens from its
appearance with either death or wound, hath been however held in great
dread and abhorrence by many wise men- nay, by many brave ones;
insomuch, that some who have dared to look into the mouth of a
loaded cannon, have not dared to look into a mouth where this weapon
was brandished; and rather than run the hazard of its execution,
have contented themselves with making a most pitiful and sneaking
figure in the eyes of all their acquaintance.
To confess the truth, I am afraid Mr. Jones was one of these; for
though he was attacked and violently belaboured with the aforesaid
weapon, he could not be provoked to make any resistance; but in a most
cowardly manner applied, with many entreaties, to his antagonist to
desist from pursuing her blows; in plain English, he only begged her
with the utmost earnestness to hear him; but before he could obtain
his request, my landlord himself entered into the fray, and embraced
that side of the cause which seemed to stand very little in need of
assistance.
There are a sort of heroes who are supposed to be determined in
their chusing or avoiding a conflict by the character and behaviour of
the person whom they are to engage. These are said to know their
men, and Jones, I believe, knew his woman; for though he had been so
submissive to her, he was no sooner attacked by her husband, than he
demonstrated an immediate spirit of resentment, and enjoined him
silence under a very severe penalty; no less than that, I think, of
being converted into fuel for his own fire.
The husband, with great indignation, but with a mixture of pity,
answered, "You must pray first to be made able. I believe I am a
better man than yourself; ay, every way, that I am;" and presently
proceeded to discharge half-a-dozen whores at the lady above stairs,
the last of which had scarce issued from his lips, when a swinging
blow from the cudgel that Jones carried in his hand assulted him
over the shoulders.
It is a question whether the landlord or the landlady was the most
expeditious in returning this blow. My landlord, whose hands were
empty, fell to with his fist, and the good wife, uplifting her broom
and aiming at the head of Jones, had probably put an immediate end
to the fray, and to Jones likewise, had not the descent of this
broom been prevented- not by the miraculous intervention of any
heathen deity, but by a very natural though fortunate accident, viz.,
by the arrival of Partridge; who entered the house at that instant
(for fear had caused him to run every step from the hill), and who,
seeing the danger which threatened his master or companion (which
you chuse to call him), prevented so sad a catastrophe, by catching
hold of the landlady's arm, as it was brandished aloft in the air.
The landlady soon perceived the impediment which prevented her blow;
and being unable to rescue her arm from the hands of Partridge, she
let fall the broom; and then leaving Jones to the discipline of her
husband, she fell with the utmost fury on that poor fellow, who had
already given some intimation of himself, by crying, "Zounds! do you
intend to kill my friend?"
Partridge, though not much addicted to battle, would not however
stand still when his friend was attacked; nor was he much displeased
with that part of the combat which fell to his share; he therefore
returned my landlady's blows as soon as he received them: and now
the fight was obstinately maintained on all parts, and it seemed
doubtful to which side Fortune would incline, when the naked lady, who
had listened at the top of the stairs to the dialogue which preceded
the engagement, descended suddenly from above, and without weighing
the unfair inequality of two to one, fell upon the poor woman who
was boxing with Partridge; nor did that great champion desist, but
rather redoubled his fury, when he found fresh succours were arrived
to his assistance.
Victory must now have fallen to the side of the travellers (for
the bravest troops must yield to numbers) had not Susan the
chambermaid come luckily to support her mistress. This Susan was as
two-handed a wench (according to the phrase) as any in the country,
and would, I believe, have beat the famed Thalestris herself, or any
of her subject Amazons; for her form was robust and man-like, and
every way made for such encounters. As her hands and arms were
formed to give blows with great mischief to an enemy, so was her
face as well contrived to receive blows without any great injury to
herself, her nose being already flat to her face; her lips were so
large, that no swelling could be perceived in them, and moreover
they were so hard, that a fist could hardly make any impression on
them. Lastly, her cheekbones stood out, as if nature had intended them
for two bastions to defend her eyes in those encounters for which
she seemed so well calculated, and to which she was most wonderfully
well inclined.
This fair creature entering the field of battle, immediately filed
to that wing where her mistress maintained so unequal a fight with one
of either sex. Here she presently challenged Partridge to single
combat. He accepted the challenge, and a most desperate fight began
began between them.
Now the dogs of war being let loose, began to lick their bloody
lips; now Victory, with golden wings, hung hovering in the air; now
Fortune, taking her scales from her shelf, began to weigh the fates of
Tom Jones, his female companion, and Partridge, against the
landlord, his wife, and maid; all which hung in exact balance before
her; when a good-natured accident put suddenly an end to the bloody
fray, with which half of the combatants had already sufficiently
feasted. This accident was the arrival of a coach and four; upon which
my landlord and landlady immediately desisted from fighting, and at
their entreaty obtained the same favour of their antagonists; but
Susan was not so kind to Partridge; for that Amazonian fair having
overthrown and bestrid her enemy, was now cuffing him lustily with
both her hands, without any regard to his request of a cessation of
arms, or to those loud exclamations of murder which he roared forth.
No sooner, however, had Jones quitted the landlord, than he flew
to the rescue of his defeated companion, from whom he with much
difficulty drew off the enraged chambermaid: but Partridge was not
immediately sensible of his deliverance, for he still lay flat on
the floor, guarding his face with his hands; nor did he cease
roaring till Jones had forced him to look up, and to perceive that the
battle was at an end.
The landlord, who had no visible hurt, and the landlady, hiding
her well-scratched face with her handkerchief, ran both hastily to the
door to attend the coach, from which a young lady and her maid now
alighted. These the landlady presently ushered into that room where
Mr. Jones had at first deposited his fair prize, as it was the best
apartment in the house. Hither they were obliged to pass through the
field of battle, which they did with the utmost haste, covering
their faces with their handkerchiefs, as desirous to avoid the
notice of any one. Indeed their caution was quite unnecessary; for the
poor unfortunate Helen, the fatal cause of all the bloodshed, was
entirely taken up in endeavouring to conceal her own face, and Jones
was no less occupied in rescuing Partridge from the fury of Susan;
which being happily effected, the poor fellow immediately departed
to the pump to wash his face, and to stop that bloody torrent which
Susan had plentifully set a-flowing from his nostrils.
Chapter 4
In which the arrival of a man of war puts a final end to
hostilities, and causes the conclusion of a firm and lasting peace
between all parties
A serjeant and a file of musqueteers, with a deserter in their
custody, arrived about this time. The serjeant presently enquired
for the principal magistrate of the town, and was informed by my
landlord, that he himself was vested in that office. He then
demanded his billets, together with a mug of beer, and complaining
it was cold, spread himself before the kitchen fire.
Mr. Jones was at this time comforting the poor distressed lady,
who sat down at a table in the kitchen, and leaning her head upon
her arm, was bemoaning her misfortunes; but lest my fair readers
should be in pain concerning a particular circumstance, I think proper
here to acquaint them, that before she had quitted the room above
stairs, she had so well covered herself with a pillowbeer which she
there found, that her regard to decency was not in the least
violated by the presence of so many men as were now in the room.
One of the soldiers now went up to the serjeant, and whispered
something in his ear; upon which he stedfastly fixed his eyes on the
lady, and having looked at her for near a minute, he came up to her,
saying, "I ask pardon, madam; but I am certain I am not deceived;
you can be no other person than Captain Waters's lady?"
The poor woman, who in her present distress had very little regarded
the face of any person present, no sooner looked at the serjeant
than she presently recollected him, and calling him by his name,
answered, "That she was indeed the unhappy person he imagined her to
be;" but added, "I wonder any one should know me in this disguise." To
which the serjeant replied, "He was very much surprized to see her
ladyship in such a dress, and was afraid some accident had happened to
her."- "An accident hath happened to me, indeed," says she, "and I am
highly obliged to this gentleman" (Pointing to Jones) "that it was not
a fatal one, or that I am now living to mention it."- "Whatever the
gentleman hath done," cries the serjeant, "I am sure the captain
