will make him amends for it; and if I can be of any service, your
ladyship may command me, and I shall think myself very happy to have
it in my power to serve your ladyship; and so indeed may any one,
for I know the captain will well reward them for it."
The landlady, who heard from the stairs all that past between the
serjeant and Mrs. Waters, came hastily down, and running directly up
to her, began to ask pardon for the offences she had committed,
begging that all might be imputed to ignorance of her quality: for,
"Lud! madam," says she, "how should I have imagined that a lady of
your fashion would appear in such a dress? I am sure, madam, if I
had once suspected that your ladyship was your ladyship, I would
sooner have burnt my tongue out, than have said what I have said;
and I hope your ladyship will accept of a gown, till you can get
your own cloaths."
"Prithee, woman," says Mrs. Waters, "cease your impertinence: how
can you imagine I should concern myself about anything which comes
from the lips of such low creatures as yourself? But I am surprized at
your assurance in thinking, after what is past, that I will condescend
to put on any of your dirty things. I would have you know, creature, I
have a spirit above that."
Here Jones interfered, and begged Mrs. Waters to forgive the
landlady, and to accept her gown: "for I must confess," cries he, "our
appearance was a little suspicious when first we came in; and I am
well assured all this good woman did was, as she professed, out of
regard to the reputation of her house."
"Yes, upon my truly was it," says she: "the gentleman speaks very
much like a gentleman, and I see very plainly is so; and to be certain
the house is well known to be a house of as good reputation as any
on the road, and though I say it, is frequented by gentry of the
best quality, both Irish and English. I defy anybody to say black is
my eye, for that matter. And, as I was saying, if I had known your
ladyship to be your ladyship, I would as soon have burnt my fingers as
have affronted your ladyship; but truly where gentry come and spend
their money, I am not willing that they should be scandalized by a set
of poor shabby vermin, that, wherever they go, leave more lice than
money behind them; such folks never raise my compassion, for to be
certain it is foolish to have any for them; and if our justices did as
they ought, they would be all whipt out of the kingdom, for to be
certain it is what is most fitting for them. But as for your ladyship,
I am heartily sorry your ladyship hath had a misfortune, and if your
ladyship will do me the honour to wear my cloaths till you can get
some of your ladyship's own, to be certain the best I have is at
your ladyship's service."
Whether cold, shame, or the persuasions of Mr. Jones prevailed
most on Mrs. Waters, I will not determine, but she suffered herself to
be pacified by this speech of my landlady, and retired with that
good woman, in order to apparel herself in a decent manner.
My landlord was likewise beginning his oration to Jones, but was
presently interrupted by that generous youth, who shook him heartily
by the hand, and assured him of entire forgiveness, saying, "If you
are satisfied, my worthy friend, I promise you I am;" and indeed, in
one sense, the landlord had the better reason to be satisfied; for
he had received a bellyfull of drubbing whereas Jones had scarce
felt a single blow.
Partridge, who had been all this time washing his bloody nose at the
pump, returned into the kitchen at the instant when his master and the
landlord were shaking hands with each other. As he was of a
peaceable disposition, he was pleased with those symptoms of
reconciliation; and though his face bore some marks of Susan's fist,
and many more of her nails, he rather chose to be contented with his
fortune in the last battle than to endeavour at bettering it in
another.
The heroic Susan was likewise well contented with her victory,
though it had cost her a black eye, which Partridge had given her at
the first onset. Between these two, therefore, a league was struck,
and those hands which had been the instruments of war became now the
mediators of peace.
Matters were thus restored to a perfect calm; at which the serjeant,
though it may seem so contrary to the principles of his profession,
testified his approbation. "Why now, that's friendly," said he; "d--n
me, I hate to see two people bear ill-will to one another after they
have had a tussel. The only way when friends quarrel is to see it
out fairly in a friendly manner, as a man may call it, either with a
fist, or sword, or pistol, according as they like, and then let it
be all over; for my own part, d--n me if ever I love my friend better
than when I am fighting with him! To bear malice is more like a
Frenchman than an Englishman."
He then proposed a libation as a necessary part of the ceremony at
all treaties of this kind. Perhaps the reader may here conclude that
he was well versed in antient history; but this, though highly
probable, as he cited no authority to support the custom, I will not
affirm with any confidence. Most likely indeed it is, that he
founded his opinion on very good authority, since he confirmed it with
many violent oaths.
Jones no sooner heard the proposal than, immediately agreeing with
the learned serjeant, he ordered a bowl, or rather a large mug, filled
with the liquor used on these occasions, to be brought in, and then
began the ceremony himself. He placed his right hand in that of the
landlord, and, seizing the bowl with his left, uttered the usual
words, and then made his libation. After which, the same was
observed by present. Indeed, there is very little need of being
particular in describing the whole form, as it differed so little from
those libations of which so much is recorded in antient authors and
their modern transcribers. The principal difference lay in two
instances; for, first, the present company poured the liquor only down
their throats; and, secondly, the serjeant, who officiated as
priest, drank the last; but he preserved, I believe, the antient form,
in swallowing much the largest draught of the whole company, and in
being the only person present who contributed nothing towards the
libation besides his good offices in assisting at the performance.
The good people now ranged themselves round the kitchen fire,
where good humour seemed to maintain an absolute dominion; and
Partridge not only forgot his shameful defeat, but converted hunger
into thirst, and soon became extremely facetious. We must however quit
this agreeable assembly for a while, and attend Mr. Jones to Mrs.
Waters's apartment, where the dinner which he had bespoke was now on
the table. Indeed, it took no long time in preparing, having been
all drest three days before, and required nothing more from the cook
than to warm it over again.
Chapter 5
An apology for all heroes who have good stomachs, with a description
of a battle of the amorous kind
Heroes, notwithstanding the high ideas which, by the means of
flatterers, they may entertain of themselves, or the world may
conceive of them, have certainly more of mortal than divine about
them. However elevated their minds may be, their bodies at least
(which is much the major part of most) are liable to the worst
infirmities, and subject to the vilest offices of human nature.
Among these latter, the act of eating, which hath by several wise
men been considered as extremely mean and derogatory from the
philosophic dignity, must be in some measure performed by the greatest
prince, heroe, or philosopher upon earth; nay, sometimes Nature hath
been so frolicsome as to exact of these dignified characters a much
more exorbitant share of this office than she hath obliged those of
the lowest order to perform.
To say the truth, as no known inhabitant of this globe is really
more than man, so none need be ashamed of submitting to what the
necessities of man demand; but when those great personages I have just
mentioned condescend to aim at confining such low offices to
themselves- as when, by hoarding or destroying, they seem desirous to
prevent any others from eating- then they surely become very low and
despicable.
Now, after this short preface, we think it no disparagement to our
heroe to mention the immoderate ardour with which he laid about him at
this season. Indeed, it may be doubted whether Ulysses, who by the way
seems to have had the best stomach of all the heroes in that eating
poem of the Odyssey, ever made a better meal. Three pounds at least of
that flesh which formerly had contributed to the composition of an
ox was now honoured with becoming part of the individual Mr. Jones.
This particular we thought ourselves obliged to mention, as it may
account for our heroe's temporary neglect of his fair companion, who
eat but very little, and was indeed employed in considerations of a
very different nature, which passed unobserved by Jones, till he had
entirely satisfied that appetite which a fast of twenty-four hours had
procured him; but his dinner was no sooner ended than his attention to
other matters revived; with these matters therefore we shall proceed
to acquaint the reader.
Mr. Jones, of whose personal accomplishments we have hitherto said
very little, was, in reality, one of the handsomest young fellows in
the world. His face, besides being the picture of health, had in it
the most apparent marks of sweetness and good-nature. These
qualities were indeed so characteristical in his countenance, that,
while the spirit and sensibility in his eyes, though they must have
been perceived by an accurate observer, might have escaped the
notice of the less discerning, so strongly was this good-nature
painted in his look, that it was remarked by almost every one who
saw him.
It was, perhaps, as much owing to this as to a very fine
complexion that his face had a delicacy in it almost inexpressible,
and which might have given him an air rather too effeminate, had it
not been joined to a most masculine person and mien: which latter
had as much in them of the Hercules as the former had of the Adonis.
He was besides active, genteel, gay, and good-humoured; and had a flow
of animal spirits which enlivened every conversation where he was
present.
When the reader hath duly reflected on these many charms which all
centered in our heroe, and considers at the same time the fresh
obligations which Mrs. Waters had to him, it will be a mark more of
prudery than candour to entertain a bad opinion of her because she
conceived a very good opinion of him.
But, whatever censures may be passed upon her, it is my business
to relate matters of fact with veracity. Mrs. Waters had, in truth,
not only a good opinion of our heroe, but a very great affection for
him. To speak out boldly at once, she was in love, according to the
present universally-received sense of that phrase, by which love is
applied indiscriminately to the desirable objects of all our passions,
appetites, and senses, and is understood to be that preference which
we give to one kind of food rather than to another.
But though the love to these several objects may possibly be one and
the same in all cases, its operations however must be allowed to be
different; for, how much soever we may be in love with an excellent
surloin of beef, or bottle of Burgundy; with a damask rose, or Cremona
fiddle; yet do we never simile, nor ogle, nor dress, nor flatter,
nor endeavour by any other arts or tricks to gain the affection of the
said beef, &c. Sigh indeed we sometimes may; but it is generally in
the absence, not in the presence, of the beloved object. For otherwise
we might possibly complain of their ingratitude and deafness, with the
same reason as Pasiphae doth of her bull, whom she endeavoured to
engage by all the coquetry practised with good success in the
drawing room on the much more sensible as well as tender hearts of the
fine gentlemen there.
The contrary happens in that love which operates between persons
of the same species, but of different sexes. Here we are no sooner
in love than it becomes our principal care to engage the affection
of the object beloved. For what other purpose indeed are our youth
instructed in all the arts of rendering themselves agreeable? If it
was not with a view to this love, I question whether any of those
trades which deal in setting off and adorning the human person would
procure a livelihood. Nay, those great polishers of our manners, who
are by some thought to teach what principally distinguishes us from
the brute creation, even dancing-masters themselves, might possibly
find no place in society. In short, all the graces which young
ladies and young gentlemen too learn from others, and the many
improvements which, by the help of a looking-glass, they add of
their own, are in reality those very spicula et faces amoris so of
mentioned by Ovid; or, as they are sometimes called in our own
language, the whole artillery of love.
Now Mrs. Waters and our heroe had no sooner sat down together than
the former began to play this artillery upon the latter. But here,
as we are about to attempt a description hitherto unassayed either
in prose or verse, we think proper to invoke the assistance of certain
aerial beings, who will, we doubt not, come kindly to our aid on
this occasion.
"Say then, ye Graces! you that inhabit the heavenly mansions of
Seraphina's countenance; for you are truly divine, are always in her
presence, and well know all the arts of charming; say, what were the
weapons now used to captivate the heart of Mr. Jones."
"First, from two lovely blue eyes, whose bright orbs flashed
lightning at their discharge, flew forth two pointed ogles; but,
happily for our heroe, hit only a vast piece of beef which he was then
