married nine years, had given her no such pledges; a default for which
he had no excuse, either from age or health, being not yet thirty
years old, and what they call a jolly brisk young man.
Hence arose another evil, which produced no little uneasiness to the
poor pedagogue, of whom she maintained so constant a jealousy, that he
durst hardly speak to one woman in the parish; for the least degree of
civility, or even correspondence, with any female, was sure to bring
his wife upon her back, and his own.
In order to guard herself against matrimonial injuries in her own
house, as she kept one maid-servant, she always took care to chuse her
out of that order of females whose faces are taken as a kind of
security for their virtue; of which number Jenny Jones, as the
reader hath been before informed, was one.
As the face of this young woman might be called pretty good security
of the before-mentioned kind, and as her behaviour had been always
extremely modest, which is the certain consequence of understanding in
women; she had passed above four years at Mr. Partridge's (for that
was the schoolmaster's name) without creating the least suspicion in
her mistress. Nay, she had been treated with uncommon kindness, and
her mistress had permitted Mr. Partridge to give her those
instructions which have been before commemorated.
But it is with jealousy as with the gout: when such distempers are
in the blood, there is never any security against their breaking
out; and that often on the slightest occasions, and when least
suspected.
Thus it happened to Mrs. Partridge, who had submitted four years
to her husband's teaching this young woman, and had suffered her often
to neglect her work in order to pursue her learning. For, passing by
one day, as the girl was reading, and her master leaning over her, the
girl, I know not for what reason, suddenly started up from her
chair: and this was the first time that suspicion ever entered into
the head of her mistress.
This did not, however, at that time discover itself, but lay lurking
in her mind, like a concealed enemy, who waits for a reinforcement
of additional strength before he openly declares himself and
proceeds upon hostile operations: and such additional strength soon
arrived to corroborate her suspicion; for not long after, the
husband and wife being at dinner, the master said to his maid, Da mihi
aliquid potum: upon which the poor girl smiled, perhaps at the badness
of the Latin, and, when her mistress cast her eyes on her, blushed,
possibly with a consciousness of having laughed at her master. Mrs.
Partridge, upon this, immediately fell into a fury, and discharged the
trencher on which she was eating, at the head of poor Jenny, crying
out, "You impudent whore, do you play tricks with my husband before my
face?" and at the same instant rose from her chair with a knife in her
hand, with which, most probably, she would have executed very tragical
vengeance, had not the girl taken the advantage of being nearer the
door than her mistress, and avoided her fury by running away: for,
as to the poor husband, whether surprize had rendered him
motionless, or fear (which is full as probable) had restrained him
from venturing at any opposition, he sat staring and trembling in
his chair; nor did he once offer to move or speak, till his wife,
returning from the pursuit of Jenny, made some defensive measures
necessary for his own preservation; and he likewise was obliged to
retreat, after the example of the maid.
This good woman was, no more than Othello, of a disposition
To make a life of jealousy,
And follow still the changes of the moon
With fresh suspicions-
With her, as well as him,
----To be once in doubt,
Was once to be resolv'd-----
she therefore ordered Jenny immediately to pack up her alls and
begone, for that she was determined she should not sleep that night
within her walls.
Mr. Partridge had profited too much by experience to interpose in
a matter of this nature. He therefore had recourse to his usual
receipt of patience; for, though he was not a great adept in Latin, he
remembered, and well understood, the advice contained in these words:
----Leve fit, quod bene fertur onus-
in English:
A burden becomes lightest when it is well borne-
which he had always in his mouth; and of which, to say the truth, he
had often occasion to experience the truth.
Jenny offered to make protestations of her innocence; but the
tempest was too strong for her to be heard. She then betook herself to
the business of packing, for which a small quantity of brown paper
sufficed; and, having received her small pittance of wages, she
returned home.
The schoolmaster and his consort passed their time unpleasantly
enough that evening; but something or other happened before the next
morning, which a little abated the fury of Mrs. Partridge; and she
at length admitted her husband to make his excuses: to which she
gave the readier belief, as he had, instead of desiring her to
recall Jenny, professed a satisfaction in her being dismissed, saying,
she was grown of little use as a servant, spending all her time in
reading, and was become, moreover, very pert and obstinate; for,
indeed, she and her master had lately had frequent disputes in
literature; in which, as hath been said, she was become greatly his
superior. This, however, he would by no means allow; and as he
called her persisting in the right, obstinacy, he began to hate her
with no small inveteracy.
Chapter 4
Containing one of the most bloody battles, or rather duels, that
were ever recorded in domestic history
For the reasons mentioned in the preceding chapter, and from some
other matrimonial concessions, well known to most husbands, and which,
like the secrets of freemasonry, should be divulged to none who are
not members of that honourable fraternity, Mrs. Partridge was pretty
well satisfied that she had condemned her husband without cause, and
endeavoured by acts of kindness to make him amends for her false
suspicion. Her passions were indeed equally violent, whichever way
they inclined; for as she could be extremely angry, so could she be
altogether as fond.
But though these passions ordinarily succeed each other, and
scarce twenty-four hours ever passed in which the pedagogue was not,
in some degree, the object of both; yet, on extraordinary occasions,
when the passion of anger had raged very high, the remission was
usually longer: and so was the case at present; for she continued
longer in a state of affability, after this fit of jealousy was ended,
than her husband had ever known before: and, had it not been for
some little exercises, which all the followers of Xantippe are obliged
to perform daily, Mr. Partridge would have enjoyed a perfect
serenity of several months.
Perfect calms at sea are always suspected by the experienced mariner
to be the forerunners of a storm: and I know some persons, who,
without being generally the devotees of superstition, are apt to
apprehend that great and unusual peace or tranquillity will be
attended with its opposite. For which reason the antients used, on
such occasions, to sacrifice to the goddess Nemesis, a deity who was
thought by them to look with an invidious eye on human felicity, and
to have a peculiar delight in overturning it.
As we are very far from believing in any such heathen goddess, or
from encouraging any superstition, so we wish Mr. John Fr--, or some
other such philosopher, would bestir himself a little, in order to
find out the real cause of this sudden transition from good to bad
fortune, which hath been so often remarked, and of which we shall
proceed to give an instance; for it is our province to relate facts,
and we shall leave causes to persons of much higher genius.
Mankind have always taken great delight in knowing and descanting on
the actions of others. Hence there have been, in all ages and nations,
certain places set apart for public rendezvous, where the curious
might meet and satisfy their mutual curiosity. Among these, the
barbers' shops have justly borne the preeminence. Among the Greeks,
barbers' news was a proverbial expression; and Horace, in one of his
epistles, makes honourable mention of the Roman barbers in the same
light.
Those of England are known to be no wise inferior to their Greek
or Roman predecessors. You there see foreign affairs discussed in a
manner little inferior to that with which they are handled in the
coffee-houses; and domestic occurrences are much more largely and
freely treated in the former than in the latter. But this serves
only for the men. Now, whereas the females of this country, especially
those of the lower order, do associate themselves much more than those
of other nations, our polity would be highly deficient, if they had
not some place set apart likewise for the indulgence of their
curiosity, seeing they are in this no way inferior to the other half
of the species.
In enjoying, therefore, such place of rendezvous, the British fair
ought to esteem themselves more happy than any of their foreign
sisters; as I do not remember either to have read in history, or to
have seen in my travels, anything of the like kind.
This place then is no other than the chandler's shop, the known seat
of all the news; or, as it is vulgarly called, gossiping, in every
parish in England.
Mrs. Partridge being one day at this assembly of females, was
asked by one of her neighbours, if she had heard no news lately of
Jenny Jones? To which she answered in the negative. Upon this the
other replied, with a smile, That the parish was very much obliged
to her for having turned Jenny away as she did.
Mrs. Partridge, whose jealousy, as the reader well knows, was long
since cured, and who had no other quarrel to her maid, answered
boldly, She did not know any obligation the parish had to her on
that account; for she believed Jenny had scarce left her equal
behind her.
"No, truly," said the gossip, "I hope not, though I fancy we have
sluts enow too. Then you have not heard, it seems, that she hath
been brought to bed of two bastards? but as they are not born here, my
husband and the other overseer says we shall not be obliged to keep
them."
"Two bastards!" answered Mrs. Partridge hastily: "you surprize me! I
don't know whether we must keep them; but I am sure they must have
been begotten here, for the wench hath not been nine months gone
away."
Nothing can be so quick and sudden as the operations of the mind,
especially when hope, or fear, or jealousy, to which the two others
are but journeymen, set it to work. It occurred instantly to her, that
Jenny had scarce ever been out of her own house while she lived with
her. The leaning over the chair, the sudden starting up, the Latin,
the smile, and many other things, rushed upon her all at once. The
satisfaction her husband expressed in the departure of Jenny, appeared
now to be only dissembled; again, in the same instant, to be real; but
yet to confirm her jealousy, proceeding from satiety, and a hundred
other bad causes. In a word, she was convinced of her husband's guilt,
and immediately left the assembly in confusion.
As fair Grimalkin, who, though the youngest of the feline family,
degenerates not in ferocity from the elder branches of her house,
and though inferior in strength, is equal in fierceness to the noble
tiger himself, when a little mouse, whom it hath long tormented in
sport, escapes from her clutches for a while, frets, scolds, growls,
swears; but if the trunk, or box, behind which the mouse lay hid be
again removed, she flies like lightning on her prey, and, with
envenomed wrath, bites, scratches, mumbles, and tears the little
animal.
Not with less fury did Mrs. Partridge fly on the poor pedagogue. Her
tongue, teeth, and hands, fell all upon him at once. His wig was in an
instant torn from his head, his shirt from his back, and from his face
descended five streams of blood, denoting the number of claws with
which nature had unhappily armed the enemy.
Mr. Partridge acted for some time on the defensive only; indeed he
attempted only to guard his face with his hands; but as he found
that his antagonist abated nothing of her rage, he thought he might,
at least, endeavour to disarm her, or rather to confine her arms; in
doing which her cap fell off in the struggle, and her hair being too
short to reach her shoulders, erected itself on her head; her stays
likewise, which were laced through one single hole at the bottom,
burst open; and her breasts, which were much more redundant than her
hair, hung down below her middle; her face was likewise marked with
the blood of her husband: her teeth gnashed with rage; and fire,
such as sparkles from a smith's forge, darted from her eyes. So
that, altogether, this Amazonian heroine might have been an object
of terror to a much bolder man than Mr. Partridge.
He had, at length, the good fortune, by getting possession of her
arms, to render those weapons which she wore at the ends of her
fingers useless; which she no sooner perceived, than the softness of
her sex prevailed over her rage, and she presently dissolved in tears,
which soon after concluded in a fit.
That small share of sense which Mr. Partridge had hitherto preserved
through this scene of fury, of the cause of which he was hitherto
ignorant, now utterly abandoned him. He ran instantly into the street,
hallowing out that his wife was in the agonies of death, and
beseeching the neighbours to fly with the utmost haste to her
assistance. Several good women obeyed his summons, who entering his
house, and applying the usual remedies on such occasions, Mrs.
Partridge was at length, to the great joy of her husband, brought to
herself.
As soon as she had a little recollected her spirits, and somewhat
composed herself with a cordial, she began to inform the company of
