"No, no!" cried Nozdrev. "I am NOT going to let you go."
"But I MUST go," replied the brother-in-law. "Don't dry to hinder me. You are annoying me greatly."
"Rubbish! We are going to play a game of banker."
"No, no. You must play it without me, my friend. My wife is expecting me at home, and I must go and tell her all about the fair. Yes, I MUST go if I am to please her. Do not try to detain me."
"Your wife be--! But have you REALLY an important piece of business with her?"
"No, no, my friend. The real reason is that she is a good and trustful woman, and that she does a great deal for me. The tears spring to my eyes as I think of it. Do not detain me. As an honourable man I say that I must go. Of that I do assure you in all sincerity."
"Oh, let him go," put in Chichikov under his breath. "What use will he be here?"
"Very well," said Nozdrev, "though, damn it, I do not like fellows who lose their heads." Then he added to his brother-in-law: "All right, Thetuk[3]. Off you go to your wife and your woman's talk and may the devil go with you!"
[3] A jeering appellation which owes its origin to the fact that certain Russians cherish a prejudice against the initial character of the word--namely, the Greek theta, or TH.
"Do not insult me with the term Thetuk," retorted the brother-in-law. "To her I owe my life, and she is a dear, good woman, and has shown me much affection. At the very thought of it I could weep. You see, she will be asking me what I have seen at the fair, and tell her about it I must, for she is such a dear, good woman."
"Then off you go to her with your pack of lies. Here is your cap."
"No, good friend, you are not to speak of her like that. By so doing you offend me greatly--I say that she is a dear, good woman."
"Then run along home to her."
"Yes, I am just going. Excuse me for having been unable to stay. Gladly would I have stayed, but really I cannot."
The brother-in-law repeated his excuses again and again without noticing that he had entered the britchka, that it had passed through the gates, and that he was now in the open country. Permissibly we may suppose that his wife succeeded in gleaning from him few details of the fair.
"What a fool!" said Nozdrev as, standing by the window, he watched the departing vehicle. "Yet his off-horse is not such a bad one. For a long time past I have been wanting to get hold of it. A man like that is simply impossible. Yes, he is a Thetuk, a regular Thetuk."
With that they repaired to the parlour, where, on Porphyri bringing candles, Chichikov perceived that his host had produced a pack of cards.
"I tell you what," said Nozdrev, pressing the sides of the pack together, and then slightly bending them, so that the pack cracked and a card flew out. "How would it be if, to pass the time, I were to make a bank of three hundred?"
Chichikov pretended not to have heard him, but remarked with an air of having just recollected a forgotten point:
"By the way, I had omitted to say that I have a request to make of you."
"What request?"
"First give me your word that you will grant it."
"What is the request, I say?"
"Then you give me your word, do you?"
"Certainly."
"Your word of honour?"
"My word of honour."
"This, then, is my request. I presume that you have a large number of dead serfs whose names have not yet been removed from the revision list?"
"I have. But why do you ask?"
"Because I want you to make them over to me."
"Of what use would they be to you?"
"Never mind. I have a purpose in wanting them."
"What purpose?"
"A purpose which is strictly my own affair. In short, I need them."
"You seem to have hatched a very fine scheme. Out with it, now! What is in the wind?"
"How could I have hatched such a scheme as you say? One could not very well hatch a scheme out of such a trifle as this."
"Then for what purpose do you want the serfs?"
"Oh, the curiosity of the man! He wants to poke his fingers into and smell over every detail!"
"Why do you decline to say what is in your mind? At all events, until you DO say I shall not move in the matter."
"But how would it benefit you to know what my plans are? A whim has seized me. That is all. Nor are you playing fair. You have given me your word of honour, yet now you are trying to back out of it."
"No matter what you desire me to do, I decline to do it until you have told me your purpose."
"What am I to say to the fellow?" thought Chichikov. He reflected for a moment, and then explained that he wanted the dead souls in order to acquire a better standing in society, since at present he possessed little landed property, and only a handful of serfs.
"You are lying," said Nozdrev without even letting him finish. "Yes, you are lying my good friend."
Chichikov himself perceived that his device had been a clumsy one, and his pretext weak. "I must tell him straight out," he said to himself as he pulled his wits together.
"Should I tell you the truth," he added aloud, "I must beg of you not to repeat it. The truth is that I am thinking of getting married. But, unfortunately, my betrothed's father and mother are very ambitious people, and do not want me to marry her, since they desire the bridegroom to own not less than three hundred souls, whereas I own but a hundred and fifty, and that number is not sufficient."
"Again you are lying," said Nozdrev.
"Then look here; I have been lying only to this extent." And Chichikov marked off upon his little finger a minute portion.
"Nevertheless I will bet my head that you have been lying throughout."
"Come, come! That is not very civil of you. Why should I have been lying?"
"Because I know you, and know that you are a regular skinflint. I say that in all friendship. If I possessed any power over you I should hang you to the nearest tree."
This remark hurt Chichikov, for at any time he disliked expressions gross or offensive to decency, and never allowed any one--no, not even persons of the highest rank--to behave towards him with an undue measure of familiarity. Consequently his sense of umbrage on the present occasion was unbounded.
"By God, I WOULD hang you!" repeated Nozdrev. "I say this frankly, and not for the purpose of offending you, but simply to communicate to you my friendly opinion."
"To everything there are limits," retorted Chichikov stiffly. "If you want to indulge in speeches of that sort you had better return to the barracks."
However, after a pause he added:
"If you do not care to give me the serfs, why not SELL them?"
"SELL them? _I_ know you, you rascal! You wouldn't give me very much for them, WOULD you?"
"A nice fellow! Look here. What are they to you? So many diamonds, eh?"
"I thought so! _I_ know you!"
"Pardon me, but I could wish that you were a member of the Jewish persuasion. You would give them to me fast enough then."
"On the contrary, to show you that I am not a usurer, I will decline to ask of you a single kopeck for the serfs. All that you need do is to buy that colt of mine, and then I will throw in the serfs in addition."
"But what should _I_ want with your colt?" said Chichikov, genuinely astonished at the proposal.
"What should YOU want with him? Why, I have bought him for ten thousand roubles, and am ready to let you have him for four."
"I ask you again: of what use could the colt possibly be to me? I am not the keeper of a breeding establishment."
"Ah! I see that you fail to understand me. Let me suggest that you pay down at once three thousand roubles of the purchase money, and leave the other thousand until later."
"But I do not mean to buy the colt, damn him!"
"Then buy the roan mare."
"No, nor the roan mare."
"Then you shall have both the mare and the grey horse which you have seen in my stables for two thousand roubles."
"I require no horses at all."
"But you would be able to sell them again. You would be able to get thrice their purchase price at the very first fair that was held."
"Then sell them at that fair yourself, seeing that you are so certain of making a triple profit."
"Oh, I should make it fast enough, only I want YOU to benefit by the transaction."
Chichikov duly thanked his interlocutor, but continued to decline either the grey horse or the roan mare.
"Then buy a few dogs," said Nozdrev. "I can sell you a couple of hides a-quiver, ears well pricked, coats like quills, ribs barrel-shaped, and paws so tucked up as scarcely to graze the ground when they run."
"Of what use would those dogs be to me? I am not a sportsman."
"But I WANT you to have the dogs. Listen. If you won't have the dogs, then buy my barrel-organ. 'Tis a splendid instrument. As a man of honour I can tell you that, when new, it cost me fifteen hundred roubles. Well, you shall have it for nine hundred."
"Come, come! What should I want with a barrel-organ? I am not a German, to go hauling it about the roads and begging for coppers."
"But this is quite a different kind of organ from the one which Germans take about with them. You see, it is a REAL organ. Look at it for yourself. It is made of the best wood. I will take you to have another view of it."
And seizing Chichikov by the hand, Nozdrev drew him towards the other room, where, in spite of the fact that Chichikov, with his feet planted firmly on the floor, assured his host, again and again, that he knew exactly what the organ was like, he was forced once more to hear how Marlborough went to the war.
"Then, since you don't care to give me any money for it," persisted Nozdrev, "listen to the following proposal. I will give you the barrel-organ and all the dead souls which I possess, and in return you shall give me your britchka, and another three hundred roubles into the bargain."
"Listen to the man! In that case, what should I have left to drive in?"
"Oh, I would stand you another britchka. Come to the coach-house, and I will show you the one I mean. It only needs repainting to look a perfectly splendid britchka."
"The ramping, incorrigible devil!" thought Chichikov to himself as at all hazards he resolved to escape from britchkas, organs, and every species of dog, however marvellously barrel-ribbed and tucked up of paw.
"And in exchange, you shall have the britchka, the barrel-organ, and the dead souls," repeated Nozdrev.
"I must decline the offer," said Chichikov.
"And why?"
"Because I don't WANT the things--I am full up already."
"I can see that you don't know how things should be done between good friends and comrades. Plainly you are a man of two faces."
"What do you mean, you fool? Think for yourself. Why should I acquire articles which I don't want?"
"Say no more about it, if you please. I have quite taken your measure. But see here. Should you care to play a game of banker? I am ready to stake both the dead souls and the barrel-organ at cards."
"No; to leave an issue to cards means to submit oneself to the unknown," said Chichikov, covertly glancing at the pack which Nozdrev had got in his hands. Somehow the way in which his companion had cut that pack seemed to him suspicious.
"Why 'to the unknown'?" asked Nozdrev. "There is no such thing as 'the unknown.' Should luck be on your side, you may win the devil knows what a haul. Oh, luck, luck!" he went on, beginning to deal, in the hope of raising a quarrel. "Here is the cursed nine upon which, the other night, I lost everything. All along I knew that I should lose my money. Said I to myself: 'The devil take you, you false, accursed card!'"
Just as Nozdrev uttered the words Porphyri entered with a fresh bottle of liquor; but Chichikov declined either to play or to drink.
"Why do you refuse to play?" asked Nozdrev.
"Because I feel indisposed to do so. Moreover, I must confess that I am no great hand at cards."
"WHY are you no great hand at them?"
Chichikov shrugged his shoulders. "Because I am not," he replied.
"You are no great hand at ANYTHING, I think."
"What does that matter? God has made me so."
"The truth is that you are a Thetuk, and nothing else. Once upon a time I believed you to be a good fellow, but now I see that you don't understand civility. One cannot speak to you as one would to an intimate, for there is no frankness or sincerity about you. You are a regular Sobakevitch--just such another as he."
"For what reason are you abusing me? Am I in any way at fault for declining to play cards? Sell me those souls if you are the man to hesitate over such rubbish."
"The foul fiend take you! I was about to have given them to you for nothing, but now you shan't have them at all--not if you offer me three kingdoms in exchange. Henceforth I will have nothing to do with you, you cobbler, you dirty blacksmith! Porphyri, go and tell the ostler to give the gentleman's horses no oats, but only hay."
This development Chichikov had hardly expected.
"And do you," added Nozdrev to his guest, "get out of my sight."
Yet in spite of this, host and guest took supper together--even though on this occasion the table was adorned with no wines of fictitious nomenclature, but only with a bottle which reared its solitary head beside a jug of what is usually known as vin ordinaire. When supper was over Nozdrev said to Chichikov as he conducted him to a side room where a bed had been made up:
"This is where you are to sleep. I cannot very well wish you good-night."
Left to himself on Nozdrev's departure, Chichikov felt in a most unenviable frame of mind. Full of inward vexation, he blamed himself bitterly for having come to see this man and so wasted valuable time; but even more did he blame himself for having told him of his scheme--for having acted as carelessly as a child or a madman. Of a surety the scheme was not one which ought to have been confided to a man like Nozdrev, for he was a worthless fellow who might lie about it, and append additions to it, and spread such stories as would give rise to God knows what scandals. "This is indeed bad!" Chichikov said to himself. "I have been an absolute fool." Consequently he spent an uneasy night--this uneasiness being increased by the fact that a number of small, but vigorous, insects so feasted upon him that he could do nothing but scratch the spots and exclaim, "The devil take you and Nozdrev alike!" Only when morning was approaching did he fall asleep. On rising, he made it his first business (after donning dressing-gown and slippers) to cross the courtyard to the stable, for the purpose of ordering Selifan to harness the britchka. Just as he was returning from his errand he encountered Nozdrev, clad in a dressing-gown, and holding a pipe between his teeth.
