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"Well then, the fact is, friend Sancho," said the duke, "that unlessyou become softer than a ripe fig, you shall not get hold of thegovernment. It would be a nice thing for me to send my islanders acruel governor with flinty bowels, who won't yield to the tears ofafflicted damsels or to the prayers of wise, magisterial, ancientenchanters and sages. In short, Sancho, either you must be whippedby yourself, or they must whip you, or you shan't be governor."

"Senor," said Sancho, "won't two days' grace be given me in which toconsider what is best for me?"

"No, certainly not," said Merlin; "here, this minute, and on thespot, the matter must be settled; either Dulcinea will return to thecave of Montesinos and to her former condition of peasant wench, orelse in her present form shall be carried to the Elysian fields, whereshe will remain waiting until the number of stripes is completed."

"Now then, Sancho!" said the duchess, "show courage, and gratitudefor your master Don Quixote's bread that you have eaten; we are allbound to oblige and please him for his benevolent disposition andlofty chivalry. Consent to this whipping, my son; to the devil withthe devil, and leave fear to milksops, for 'a stout heart breaks badluck,' as you very well know."

To this Sancho replied with an irrelevant remark, which,addressing Merlin, he made to him, "Will your worship tell me, SenorMerlin- when that courier devil came up he gave my master a messagefrom Senor Montesinos, charging him to wait for him here, as he wascoming to arrange how the lady Dona Dulcinea del Toboso was to bedisenchanted; but up to the present we have not seen Montesinos, noranything like him."

To which Merlin made answer, "The devil, Sancho, is a blockheadand a great scoundrel; I sent him to look for your master, but notwith a message from Montesinos but from myself; for Montesinos is inhis cave expecting, or more properly speaking, waiting for hisdisenchantment; for there's the tail to be skinned yet for him; ifhe owes you anything, or you have any business to transact with him,I'll bring him to you and put him where you choose; but for thepresent make up your mind to consent to this penance, and believe meit will be very good for you, for soul as well for body- for your soulbecause of the charity with which you perform it, for your bodybecause I know that you are of a sanguine habit and it will do youno harm to draw a little blood."

"There are a great many doctors in the world; even the enchantersare doctors," said Sancho; "however, as everybody tells me the samething -though I can't see it myself- I say I am willing to give myselfthe three thousand three hundred lashes, provided I am to lay themon whenever I like, without any fixing of days or times; and I'lltry and get out of debt as quickly as I can, that the world mayenjoy the beauty of the lady Dulcinea del Toboso; as it seems,contrary to what I thought, that she is beautiful after all. It mustbe a condition, too, that I am not to be bound to draw blood withthe scourge, and that if any of the lashes happen to he fly-flappersthey are to count. Item, that, in case I should make any mistake inthe reckoning, Senor Merlin, as he knows everything, is to keep count,and let me know how many are still wanting or over the number."

"There will be no need to let you know of any over," said Merlin,"because, when you reach the full number, the lady Dulcinea will atonce, and that very instant, be disenchanted, and will come in hergratitude to seek out the worthy Sancho, and thank him, and evenreward him for the good work. So you have no cause to be uneasyabout stripes too many or too few; heaven forbid I should cheat anyoneof even a hair of his head."

"Well then, in God's hands be it," said Sancho; "in the hard caseI'm in I give in; I say I accept the penance on the conditions laiddown."

The instant Sancho uttered these last words the music of theclarions struck up once more, and again a host of muskets weredischarged, and Don Quixote hung on Sancho's neck kissing him againand again on the forehead and cheeks. The duchess and the dukeexpressed the greatest satisfaction, the car began to move on, andas it passed the fair Dulcinea bowed to the duke and duchess andmade a low curtsey to Sancho.

And now bright smiling dawn came on apace; the flowers of the field,revived, raised up their heads, and the crystal waters of thebrooks, murmuring over the grey and white pebbles, hastened to paytheir tribute to the expectant rivers; the glad earth, the uncloudedsky, the fresh breeze, the clear light, each and all showed that theday that came treading on the skirts of morning would be calm andbright. The duke and duchess, pleased with their hunt and at havingcarried out their plans so cleverly and successfully, returned totheir castle resolved to follow up their joke; for to them there wasno reality that could afford them more amusement.CHAPTER XXXVI

WHEREIN IS RELATED THE STRANGE AND UNDREAMT-OF ADVENTURE OF THEDISTRESSED DUENNA, ALIAS THE COUNTESS TRIFALDI, TOGETHER WITH A LETTERWHICH SANCHO PANZA WROTE TO HIS WIFE, TERESA PANZA

THE duke had a majordomo of a very facetious and sportive turn,and he it was that played the part of Merlin, made all thearrangements for the late adventure, composed the verses, and got apage to represent Dulcinea; and now, with the assistance of his masterand mistress, he got up another of the drollest and strangestcontrivances that can be imagined.

The duchess asked Sancho the next day if he had made a beginningwith his penance task which he had to perform for the disenchantmentof Dulcinea. He said he had, and had given himself five lashesovernight.

The duchess asked him what he had given them with.

He said with his hand.

"That," said the duchess, "is more like giving oneself slaps thanlashes; I am sure the sage Merlin will not be satisfied with suchtenderness; worthy Sancho must make a scourge with claws, or acat-o'-nine tails, that will make itself felt; for it's with bloodthat letters enter, and the release of so great a lady as Dulcineawill not be granted so cheaply, or at such a paltry price; andremember, Sancho, that works of charity done in a lukewarm andhalf-hearted way are without merit and of no avail."

To which Sancho replied, "If your ladyship will give me a properscourge or cord, I'll lay on with it, provided it does not hurt toomuch; for you must know, boor as I am, my flesh is more cotton thanhemp, and it won't do for me to destroy myself for the good of anybodyelse."

"So be it by all means," said the duchess; "tomorrow I'll give you ascourge that will be just the thing for you, and will accommodateitself to the tenderness of your flesh, as if it was its own sister."

Then said Sancho, "Your highness must know, dear lady of my soul,that I have a letter written to my wife, Teresa Panza, giving her anaccount of all that has happened me since I left her; I have it herein my bosom, and there's nothing wanting but to put the address to it;I'd be glad if your discretion would read it, for I think it runs inthe governor style; I mean the way governors ought to write."

"And who dictated it?" asked the duchess.

"Who should have dictated but myself, sinner as I am?" said Sancho.

"And did you write it yourself?" said the duchess.

"That I didn't," said Sancho; "for I can neither read nor write,though I can sign my name."

"Let us see it," said the duchess, "for never fear but you displayin it the quality and quantity of your wit."

Sancho drew out an open letter from his bosom, and the duchess,taking it, found it ran in this fashion:

SANCHO PANZA'S LETTER TO HIS WIFE, TERESA PANZA

If I was well whipped I went mounted like a gentleman; if I have gota good government it is at the cost of a good whipping. Thou wiltnot understand this just now, my Teresa; by-and-by thou wilt know whatit means. I may tell thee, Teresa, I mean thee to go in a coach, forthat is a matter of importance, because every other way of going isgoing on all-fours. Thou art a governor's wife; take care thatnobody speaks evil of thee behind thy back. I send thee here a greenhunting suit that my lady the duchess gave me; alter it so as tomake a petticoat and bodice for our daughter. Don Quixote, mymaster, if I am to believe what I hear in these parts, is a madmanof some sense, and a droll blockhead, and I am no way behind him. Wehave been in the cave of Montesinos, and the sage Merlin has laid holdof me for the disenchantment of Dulcinea del Toboso, her that iscalled Aldonza Lorenzo over there. With three thousand three hundredlashes, less five, that I'm to give myself, she will be left asentirely disenchanted as the mother that bore her. Say nothing of thisto anyone; for, make thy affairs public, and some will say they arewhite and others will say they are black. I shall leave this in afew days for my government, to which I am going with a mighty greatdesire to make money, for they tell me all new governors set outwith the same desire; I will feel the pulse of it and will let theeknow if thou art to come and live with me or not. Dapple is well andsends many remembrances to thee; I am not going to leave him behindthough they took me away to be Grand Turk. My lady the duchesskisses thy hands a thousand times; do thou make a return with twothousand, for as my master says, nothing costs less or is cheaper thancivility. God has not been pleased to provide another valise for mewith another hundred crowns, like the one the other day; but nevermind, my Teresa, the bell-ringer is in safe quarters, and all willcome out in the scouring of the government; only it troubles megreatly what they tell me- that once I have tasted it I will eat myhands off after it; and if that is so it will not come very cheap tome; though to be sure the maimed have a benefice of their own in thealms they beg for; so that one way or another thou wilt be rich and inluck. God give it to thee as he can, and keep me to serve thee. Fromthis castle, the 20th of July, 1614.

Thy husband, the governor.

SANCHO PANZA

When she had done reading the letter the duchess said to Sancho, "Ontwo points the worthy governor goes rather astray; one is in saying orhinting that this government has been bestowed upon him for the lashesthat he is to give himself, when he knows (and he cannot deny it) thatwhen my lord the duke promised it to him nobody ever dreamt of sucha thing as lashes; the other is that he shows himself here to hevery covetous; and I would not have him a money-seeker, for'covetousness bursts the bag,' and the covetous governor doesungoverned justice."

"I don't mean it that way, senora," said Sancho; "and if you thinkthe letter doesn't run as it ought to do, it's only to tear it upand make another; and maybe it will be a worse one if it is left to mygumption."

"No, no," said the duchess, "this one will do, and I wish the duketo see it."

With this they betook themselves to a garden where they were todine, and the duchess showed Sancho's letter to the duke, who washighly delighted with it. They dined, and after the cloth had beenremoved and they had amused themselves for a while with Sancho'srich conversation, the melancholy sound of a fife and harsh discordantdrum made itself heard. All seemed somewhat put out by this dull,confused, martial harmony, especially Don Quixote, who could notkeep his seat from pure disquietude; as to Sancho, it is needless tosay that fear drove him to his usual refuge, the side or the skirts ofthe duchess; and indeed and in truth the sound they heard was a mostdoleful and melancholy one. While they were still in uncertaintythey saw advancing towards them through the garden two men clad inmourning robes so long and flowing that they trailed upon theground. As they marched they beat two great drums which werelikewise draped in black, and beside them came the fife player,black and sombre like the others. Following these came a personageof gigantic stature enveloped rather than clad in a gown of thedeepest black, the skirt of which was of prodigious dimensions. Overthe gown, girdling or crossing his figure, he had a broad baldricwhich was also black, and from which hung a huge scimitar with a blackscabbard and furniture. He had his face covered with a transparentblack veil, through which might be descried a very long beard as whiteas snow. He came on keeping step to the sound of the drums withgreat gravity and dignity; and, in short, his stature, his gait, thesombreness of his appearance and his following might well havestruck with astonishment, as they did, all who beheld him withoutknowing who he was. With this measured pace and in this guise headvanced to kneel before the duke, who, with the others, awaited himstanding. The duke, however, would not on any account allow him tospeak until he had risen. The prodigious scarecrow obeyed, andstanding up, removed the veil from his face and disclosed the mostenormous, the longest, the whitest and the thickest beard that humaneyes had ever beheld until that moment, and then fetching up agrave, sonorous voice from the depths of his broad, capacious chest,and fixing his eyes on the duke, he said:

"Most high and mighty senor, my name is Trifaldin of the WhiteBeard; I am squire to the Countess Trifaldi, otherwise called theDistressed Duenna, on whose behalf I bear a message to yourhighness, which is that your magnificence will be pleased to grant herleave and permission to come and tell you her trouble, which is one ofthe strangest and most wonderful that the mind most familiar withtrouble in the world could have imagined; but first she desires toknow if the valiant and never vanquished knight, Don Quixote of LaMancha, is in this your castle, for she has come in quest of him onfoot and without breaking her fast from the kingdom of Kandy to yourrealms here; a thing which may and ought to be regarded as a miracleor set down to enchantment; she is even now at the gate of thisfortress or plaisance, and only waits for your permission to enter.I have spoken." And with that he coughed, and stroked down his beardwith both his hands, and stood very tranquilly waiting for theresponse of the duke, which was to this effect: "Many days ago, worthysquire Trifaldin of the White Beard, we heard of the misfortune ofmy lady the Countess Trifaldi, whom the enchanters have caused to becalled the Distressed Duenna. Bid her enter, O stupendous squire,and tell her that the valiant knight Don Quixote of La Mancha is here,and from his generous disposition she may safely promise herself everyprotection and assistance; and you may tell her, too, that if my aidbe necessary it will not be withheld, for I am bound to give it to herby my quality of knight, which involves the protection of women of allsorts, especially widowed, wronged, and distressed dames, such asher ladyship seems to be."