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So saying he leaped off the bed, intending to close the door and notallow Senora Rodriguez to enter; but as he went to shut it SenoraRodriguez returned with a wax candle lighted, and having a closer viewof Don Quixote, with the coverlet round him, and his bandages andnight-cap, she was alarmed afresh, and retreating a couple of paces,exclaimed, "Am I safe, sir knight? for I don't look upon it as asign of very great virtue that your worship should have got up outof bed."

"I may well ask the same, senora," said Don Quixote; "and I do askwhether I shall be safe from being assailed and forced?"

"Of whom and against whom do you demand that security, sirknight?" said the duenna.

"Of you and against you I ask it," said Don Quixote; "for I am notmarble, nor are you brass, nor is it now ten o'clock in the morning,but midnight, or a trifle past it I fancy, and we are in a room moresecluded and retired than the cave could have been where thetreacherous and daring AEneas enjoyed the fair soft-hearted Dido.But give me your hand, senora; I require no better protection thanmy own continence, and my own sense of propriety; as well as thatwhich is inspired by that venerable head-dress;" and so saying hekissed her right hand and took it in his own, she yielding it to himwith equal ceremoniousness. And here Cide Hamete inserts a parenthesisin which he says that to have seen the pair marching from the doorto the bed, linked hand in hand in this way, he would have given thebest of the two tunics he had.

Don Quixote finally got into bed, and Dona Rodriguez took her seaton a chair at some little distance from his couch, without takingoff her spectacles or putting aside the candle. Don Quixote wrappedthe bedclothes round him and covered himself up completely, leavingnothing but his face visible, and as soon as they had both regainedtheir composure he broke silence, saying, "Now, Senora Dona Rodriguez,you may unbosom yourself and out with everything you have in yoursorrowful heart and afflicted bowels; and by me you shall belistened to with chaste ears, and aided by compassionate exertions."

"I believe it," replied the duenna; "from your worship's gentleand winning presence only such a Christian answer could be expected.The fact is, then, Senor Don Quixote, that though you see me seated inthis chair, here in the middle of the kingdom of Aragon, and in theattire of a despised outcast duenna, I am from the Asturias of Oviedo,and of a family with which many of the best of the province areconnected by blood; but my untoward fate and the improvidence of myparents, who, I know not how, were unseasonably reduced to poverty,brought me to the court of Madrid, where as a provision and to avoidgreater misfortunes, my parents placed me as seamstress in the serviceof a lady of quality, and I would have you know that for hemming andsewing I have never been surpassed by any all my life. My parents leftme in service and returned to their own country, and a few years laterwent, no doubt, to heaven, for they were excellent good CatholicChristians. I was left an orphan with nothing but the miserablewages and trifling presents that are given to servants of my sort inpalaces; but about this time, without any encouragement on my part,one of the esquires of the household fell in love with me, a mansomewhat advanced in years, full-bearded and personable, and above allas good a gentleman as the king himself, for he came of a mountainstock. We did not carry on our loves with such secrecy but that theycame to the knowledge of my lady, and she, not to have any fussabout it, had us married with the full sanction of the holy motherRoman Catholic Church, of which marriage a daughter was born to put anend to my good fortune, if I had any; not that I died in childbirth,for I passed through it safely and in due season, but becauseshortly afterwards my husband died of a certain shock he received, andhad I time to tell you of it I know your worship would besurprised;" and here she began to weep bitterly and said, "Pardonme, Senor Don Quixote, if I am unable to control myself, for everytime I think of my unfortunate husband my eyes fill up with tears. Godbless me, with what an air of dignity he used to carry my ladybehind him on a stout mule as black as jet! for in those days they didnot use coaches or chairs, as they say they do now, and ladies rodebehind their squires. This much at least I cannot help telling you,that you may observe the good breeding and punctiliousness of myworthy husband. As he was turning into the Calle de Santiago inMadrid, which is rather narrow, one of the alcaldes of the Court, withtwo alguacils before him, was coming out of it, and as soon as my goodsquire saw him he wheeled his mule about and made as if he wouldturn and accompany him. My lady, who was riding behind him, said tohim in a low voice, 'What are you about, you sneak, don't you see thatI am here?' The alcalde like a polite man pulled up his horse and saidto him, 'Proceed, senor, for it is I, rather, who ought to accompanymy lady Dona Casilda'- for that was my mistress's name. Still myhusband, cap in hand, persisted in trying to accompany the alcalde,and seeing this my lady, filled with rage and vexation, pulled out abig pin, or, I rather think, a bodkin, out of her needle-case anddrove it into his back with such force that my husband gave a loudyell, and writhing fell to the ground with his lady. Her twolacqueys ran to rise her up, and the alcalde and the alguacils did thesame; the Guadalajara gate was all in commotion -I mean the idlerscongregated there; my mistress came back on foot, and my husbandhurried away to a barber's shop protesting that he was run rightthrough the guts. The courtesy of my husband was noised abroad to suchan extent, that the boys gave him no peace in the street; and onthis account, and because he was somewhat shortsighted, my ladydismissed him; and it was chagrin at this I am convinced beyond adoubt that brought on his death. I was left a helpless widow, with adaughter on my hands growing up in beauty like the sea-foam; atlength, however, as I had the character of being an excellentneedlewoman, my lady the duchess, then lately married to my lord theduke, offered to take me with her to this kingdom of Aragon, and mydaughter also, and here as time went by my daughter grew up and withher all the graces in the world; she sings like a lark, dances quickas thought, foots it like a gipsy, reads and writes like aschoolmaster, and does sums like a miser; of her neatness I saynothing, for the running water is not purer, and her age is now, if mymemory serves me, sixteen years five months and three days, one moreor less. To come to the point, the son of a very rich farmer, livingin a village of my lord the duke's not very far from here, fell inlove with this girl of mine; and in short, how I know not, they cametogether, and under the promise of marrying her he made a fool of mydaughter, and will not keep his word. And though my lord the duke isaware of it (for I have complained to him, not once but many andmany a time, and entreated him to order the farmer to marry mydaughter), he turns a deaf ear and will scarcely listen to me; thereason being that as the deceiver's father is so rich, and lends himmoney, and is constantly going security for his debts, he does notlike to offend or annoy him in any way. Now, senor, I want yourworship to take it upon yourself to redress this wrong either byentreaty or by arms; for by what all the world says you came into itto redress grievances and right wrongs and help the unfortunate. Letyour worship put before you the unprotected condition of mydaughter, her youth, and all the perfections I have said shepossesses; and before God and on my conscience, out of all the damselsmy lady has, there is not one that comes up to the sole of her shoe,and the one they call Altisidora, and look upon as the boldest andgayest of them, put in comparison with my daughter, does not comewithin two leagues of her. For I would have you know, senor, all isnot gold that glitters, and that same little Altisidora has moreforwardness than good looks, and more impudence than modesty;besides being not very sound, for she has such a disagreeable breaththat one cannot bear to be near her for a moment; and even my lady theduchess- but I'll hold my tongue, for they say that walls have ears."

"For heaven's sake, Dona Rodriguez, what ails my lady theduchess?" asked Don Quixote.

"Adjured in that way," replied the duenna, "I cannot helpanswering the question and telling the whole truth. Senor Don Quixote,have you observed the comeliness of my lady the duchess, that smoothcomplexion of hers like a burnished polished sword, those two cheeksof milk and carmine, that gay lively step with which she treads orrather seems to spurn the earth, so that one would fancy she wentradiating health wherever she passed? Well then, let me tell you shemay thank, first of all God, for this, and next, two issues that shehas, one in each leg, by which all the evil humours, of which thedoctors say she is full, are discharged."

"Blessed Virgin!" exclaimed Don Quixote; "and is it possible that mylady the duchess has drains of that sort? I would not have believed itif the barefoot friars had told it me; but as the lady DonaRodriguez says so, it must be so. But surely such issues, and insuch places, do not discharge humours, but liquid amber. Verily, Ido believe now that this practice of opening issues is a veryimportant matter for the health."

Don Quixote had hardly said this, when the chamber door flew openwith a loud bang, and with the start the noise gave her Dona Rodriguezlet the candle fall from her hand, and the room was left as dark asa wolf's mouth, as the saying is. Suddenly the poor duenna felt twohands seize her by the throat, so tightly that she could not croak,while some one else, without uttering a word, very briskly hoistedup her petticoats, and with what seemed to be a slipper began to layon so heartily that anyone would have felt pity for her; butalthough Don Quixote felt it he never stirred from his bed, but layquiet and silent, nay apprehensive that his turn for a drubbingmight be coming. Nor was the apprehension an idle one; one; forleaving the duenna (who did not dare to cry out) well basted, thesilent executioners fell upon Don Quixote, and stripping him of thesheet and the coverlet, they pinched him so fast and so hard that hewas driven to defend himself with his fists, and all this inmarvellous silence. The battle lasted nearly half an hour, and thenthe phantoms fled; Dona Rodriguez gathered up her skirts, andbemoaning her fate went out without saying a word to Don Quixote,and he, sorely pinched, puzzled, and dejected, remained alone, andthere we will leave him, wondering who could have been the perverseenchanter who had reduced him to such a state; but that shall betold in due season, for Sancho claims our attention, and themethodical arrangement of the story demands it.

CHAPTER XLIX

OF WHAT HAPPENED SANCHO IN MAKING THE ROUND OF HIS ISLAND

WE left the great governor angered and irritated by thatportrait-painting rogue of a farmer who, instructed the majordomo,as the majordomo was by the duke, tried to practise upon him; hehowever, fool, boor, and clown as he was, held his own against themall, saying to those round him and to Doctor Pedro Recio, who assoon as the private business of the duke's letter was disposed ofhad returned to the room, "Now I see plainly enough that judges andgovernors ought to be and must be made of brass not to feel theimportunities of the applicants that at all times and all seasonsinsist on being heard, and having their business despatched, and theirown affairs and no others attended to, come what may; and if thepoor judge does not hear them and settle the matter- either because hecannot or because that is not the time set apart for hearing them-forthwith they abuse him, and run him down, and gnaw at his bones, andeven pick holes in his pedigree. You silly, stupid applicant, don't bein a hurry; wait for the proper time and season for doing business;don't come at dinner-hour, or at bed-time; for judges are only fleshand blood, and must give to Nature what she naturally demands of them;all except myself, for in my case I give her nothing to eat, thanks toSenor Doctor Pedro Recio Tirteafuera here, who would have me die ofhunger, and declares that death to be life; and the same sort oflife may God give him and all his kind- I mean the bad doctors; forthe good ones deserve palms and laurels."

All who knew Sancho Panza were astonished to hear him speak soelegantly, and did not know what to attribute it to unless it werethat office and grave responsibility either smarten or stupefy men'swits. At last Doctor Pedro Recio Agilers of Tirteafuera promised tolet him have supper that night though it might be in contraventionof all the aphorisms of Hippocrates. With this the governor wassatisfied and looked forward to the approach of night andsupper-time with great anxiety; and though time, to his mind, stoodstill and made no progress, nevertheless the hour he so longed forcame, and they gave him a beef salad with onions and some boiledcalves' feet rather far gone. At this he fell to with greater relishthan if they had given him francolins from Milan, pheasants from Rome,veal from Sorrento, partridges from Moron, or geese from Lavajos,and turning to the doctor at supper he said to him, "Look here,senor doctor, for the future don't trouble yourself about giving medainty things or choice dishes to eat, for it will be only taking mystomach off its hinges; it is accustomed to goat, cow, bacon, hungbeef, turnips and onions; and if by any chance it is given thesepalace dishes, it receives them squeamishly, and sometimes withloathing. What the head-carver had best do is to serve me with whatthey call ollas podridas (and the rottener they are the better theysmell); and he can put whatever he likes into them, so long as it isgood to eat, and I'll be obliged to him, and will requite him someday. But let nobody play pranks on me, for either we are or we arenot; let us live and eat in peace and good-fellowship, for when Godsends the dawn, be sends it for all. I mean to govern this islandwithout giving up a right or taking a bribe; let everyone keep his eyeopen, and look out for the arrow; for I can tell them 'the devil'sin Cantillana,' and if they drive me to it they'll see somethingthat will astonish them. Nay! make yourself honey and the flies eatyou."

"Of a truth, senor governor," said the carver, "your worship is inthe right of it in everything you have said; and I promise you inthe name of all the inhabitants of this island that they will serveyour worship with all zeal, affection, and good-will, for the mildkind of government you have given a sample of to begin with, leavesthem no ground for doing or thinking anything to your worship'sdisadvantage."