or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from their most unnatural
distension.
'Your mother--in--law, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'and the red-nosed man,
my boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!'
With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter, while
Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually over-spreading his whole
countenance.
'They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,' said
Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. 'Don't let out nothin' about the unnat'ral
creditor, Sammy.'
'Wot, don't they know who it is?' inquired Sam.
'Not a bit on it,' replied his father.
'Vere are they?' said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentleman's grins.
'In the snuggery,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Catch the red-nosed man a-goin'
anyvere but vere the liquors is; not he, Samivel, not he. Ve'd a wery
pleasant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin', Sammy,' said
Mr. Weller, when he felt himself equal to the task of speaking in
an articulate manner. 'I drove the old piebald in that 'ere little
shay-cart as belonged to your mother-in-law's first wenter, into vich
a harm-cheer wos lifted for the shepherd; and I'm blessed,' said Mr.
Weller, with a look of deep scorn--'I'm blessed if they didn't bring a
portable flight o' steps out into the road a-front o' our door for him,
to get up by.'
'You don't mean that?' said Sam.
'I do mean that, Sammy,' replied his father, 'and I vish you could ha'
seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up, as if he wos
afeerd o' being precipitayted down full six foot, and dashed into a
million hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avay ve vent; and I
rayther think--I say I rayther think, Samivel--that he found his-self a
little jolted ven ve turned the corners.'
'Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?' said Sam.
'I'm afeerd,' replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks--'I'm afeerd I
took vun or two on 'em, Sammy; he wos a-flyin' out o' the arm-cheer all
the way.'
Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, and was seized
with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with a violent swelling
of the countenance, and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his
features; symptoms which alarmed his son not a little.
'Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,' said the old
gentleman, when by dint of much struggling, and various convulsive
stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his voice. 'It's only a kind o'
quiet laugh as I'm a-tryin' to come, Sammy.'
'Well, if that's wot it is,' said Sam, 'you'd better not try to come it
agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous inwention.'
'Don't you like it, Sammy?' inquired the old gentleman.
'Not at all,' replied Sam.
'Well,' said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down his cheeks,
'it 'ud ha' been a wery great accommodation to me if I could ha' done
it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atween your mother-in-law and
me, sometimes; but I'm afeerd you're right, Sammy, it's too much in the
appleplexy line--a deal too much, Samivel.'
This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery, into which
Sam--pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder, and cast a sly
leer at his respected progenitor, who was still giggling behind--at once
led the way.
'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, politely saluting the lady, 'wery much
obliged to you for this here wisit.--Shepherd, how air you?'
'Oh, Samuel!' said Mrs. Weller. 'This is dreadful.'
'Not a bit on it, mum,' replied Sam.--'Is it, shepherd?'
Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until the
whites--or rather the yellows--were alone visible; but made no reply in
words.
'Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled with any painful complaint?' said Sam,
looking to his mother-in-law for explanation.
'The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel,' replied Mrs. Weller.
'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Sam. 'I was afeerd, from his manner, that
he might ha' forgotten to take pepper vith that 'ere last cowcumber he
eat. Set down, Sir, ve make no extra charge for settin' down, as the
king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers.'
'Young man,' said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, 'I fear you are not
softened by imprisonment.'
'Beg your pardon, Sir,' replied Sam; 'wot wos you graciously pleased to
hobserve?'
'I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for this
chastening,' said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice.
'Sir,' replied Sam, 'you're wery kind to say so. I hope my natur is NOT
a soft vun, Sir. Wery much obliged to you for your good opinion, Sir.'
At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorously approaching
to a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chair in which the elder Mr.
Weller was seated; upon which Mrs. Weller, on a hasty consideration of
all the circumstances of the case, considered it her bounden duty to
become gradually hysterical.
'Weller,' said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in a corner);
'Weller! Come forth.'
'Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but I'm quite
comfortable vere I am.'
Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears.
'Wot's gone wrong, mum?' said Sam.
'Oh, Samuel!' replied Mrs. Weller, 'your father makes me wretched. Will
nothing do him good?'
'Do you hear this here?' said Sam. 'Lady vants to know vether nothin'
'ull do you good.'
'Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries, Sammy,'
replied the old gentleman. 'I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal.
Could I be accommodated, Sammy?'
Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stiggins groaned.
'Hollo! Here's this unfortunate gen'l'm'n took ill agin,' said Sam,
looking round. 'Vere do you feel it now, sir?'
'In the same place, young man,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins, 'in the same
place.'
'Vere may that be, Sir?' inquired Sam, with great outward simplicity.
'In the buzzim, young man,' replied Mr. Stiggins, placing his umbrella
on his waistcoat.
At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable to suppress
her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her conviction that the red-nosed
man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior, ventured to suggest, in
an undertone, that he must be the representative of the united parishes
of St. Simon Without and St. Walker Within.
'I'm afeered, mum,' said Sam, 'that this here gen'l'm'n, with the twist
in his countenance, feels rather thirsty, with the melancholy spectacle
afore him. Is it the case, mum?'
The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; that gentleman, with
many rollings of the eye, clenched his throat with his right hand, and
mimicked the act of swallowing, to intimate that he was athirst.
'I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him so indeed,' said
Mrs. Weller mournfully.
'Wot's your usual tap, sir?' replied Sam.
'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'all taps is
vanities!'
'Too true, too true, indeed,' said Mrs. Weller, murmuring a groan, and
shaking her head assentingly.
'Well,' said Sam, 'I des-say they may be, sir; but wich is your
partickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the flavour on best, sir?'
'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'I despise them all.
If,' said Mr. Stiggins--'if there is any one of them less odious than
another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dear young friend, with
three lumps of sugar to the tumbler.'
'Wery sorry to say, sir,' said Sam, 'that they don't allow that
particular wanity to be sold in this here establishment.'
'Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!' ejaculated Mr.
Stiggins. 'Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors!'
With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, and rapped
his breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to the reverend
gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned
indeed.
After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had commented on this
inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, and had vented a variety of
pious and holy execrations against its authors, the latter recommended
a bottle of port wine, warmed with a little water, spice, and sugar, as
being grateful to the stomach, and savouring less of vanity than many
other compounds. It was accordingly ordered to be prepared, and pending
its preparation the red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W.
and groaned.
'Well, Sammy,' said the gentleman, 'I hope you'll find your spirits rose
by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvin' conwersation,
ain't it, Sammy?'
'You're a reprobate,' replied Sam; 'and I desire you won't address no
more o' them ungraceful remarks to me.'
So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elder Mr.
Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin; and this inexorable conduct
causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and rock
themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner, he
furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicative of a
desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins, the
performance of which, appeared to afford him great mental relief. The
old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance; for Mr.
Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of the negus, brought
his head in smart contact with the clenched fist with which Mr. Weller
had been describing imaginary fireworks in the air, within two inches of
his ear, for some minutes.
'Wot are you a-reachin' out, your hand for the tumbler in that 'ere
sawage way for?' said Sam, with great promptitude. 'Don't you see you've
hit the gen'l'm'n?'
'I didn't go to do it, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in some degree abashed
by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident.
'Try an in'ard application, sir,' said Sam, as the red-nosed gentleman
rubbed his head with a rueful visage. 'Wot do you think o' that, for a
go o' wanity, warm, Sir?'
Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner was expressive. He
tasted the contents of the glass which Sam had placed in his hand,
put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted it again, passing his hand
placidly across his stomach twice or thrice; he then drank the whole at
a breath, and smacking his lips, held out the tumbler for more.
Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to the composition. The
good lady began by protesting that she couldn't touch a drop--then
took a small drop--then a large drop--then a great many drops; and her
feelings being of the nature of those substances which are powerfully
affected by the application of strong waters, she dropped a tear with
every drop of negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until at
length she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery.
The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens with many
manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug of the same,
Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, he plainly evinced his
disapprobation of the whole proceedings, by sundry incoherent ramblings
of speech, among which frequent angry repetitions of the word 'gammon'
were alone distinguishable to the ear.
'I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,' whispered the old gentleman
into his son's ear, after a long and steadfast contemplation of his
lady and Mr. Stiggins; 'I think there must be somethin' wrong in your
mother-in-law's inside, as vell as in that o' the red-nosed man.'
'Wot do you mean?' said Sam.
'I mean this here, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman, 'that wot they
drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em; it all turns to warm water,
and comes a-pourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend upon it, Sammy, it's a
constitootional infirmity.'
Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory
frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, and concluding that they
bore some disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr. Stiggins,
or to both, was on the point of becoming infinitely worse, when Mr.
Stiggins, getting on his legs as well as he could, proceeded to
deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit of the company, but more
especially of Mr. Samuel, whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his
guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast; to abstain
from all hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exact
pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on
arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that, like
him, he was a most estimable and blameless character, and that all
his acquaintances and friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate
wretches. Which consideration, he said, could not but afford him the
liveliest satisfaction.
He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the vice of
intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine, and to
those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth,
are said to filch away the memory. At this point of his discourse,
