London.
'At present, however, his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who
sat in the farthest corner of the coach, with her face muffled closely
in her hood; the gentleman with the sky-blue coat sitting opposite to
her; the other man in the plum-coloured suit, by her side; and both
watching her intently. If she so much as rustled the folds of her hood,
he could hear the ill-looking man clap his hand upon his sword, and
could tell by the other's breathing (it was so dark he couldn't see his
face) that he was looking as big as if he were going to devour her at a
mouthful. This roused my uncle more and more, and he resolved, come what
might, to see the end of it. He had a great admiration for bright eyes,
and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet; in short, he was fond of the
whole sex. It runs in our family, gentleman--so am I.
'Many were the devices which my uncle practised, to attract the lady's
attention, or at all events, to engage the mysterious gentlemen in
conversation. They were all in vain; the gentlemen wouldn't talk, and
the lady didn't dare. He thrust his head out of the coach window at
intervals, and bawled out to know why they didn't go faster. But he
called till he was hoarse; nobody paid the least attention to him. He
leaned back in the coach, and thought of the beautiful face, and the
feet and legs. This answered better; it whiled away the time, and kept
him from wondering where he was going, and how it was that he found
himself in such an odd situation. Not that this would have worried him
much, anyway--he was a mighty free and easy, roving, devil-may-care sort
of person, was my uncle, gentlemen.
'All of a sudden the coach stopped. "Hollo!" said my uncle, "what's in
the wind now?"
'"Alight here," said the guard, letting down the steps.
'"Here!" cried my uncle.
'"Here," rejoined the guard.
'"I'll do nothing of the sort," said my uncle.
'"Very well, then stop where you are," said the guard.
'"I will," said my uncle.
'"Do," said the guard.
'The passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention, and,
finding that my uncle was determined not to alight, the younger man
squeezed past him, to hand the lady out. At this moment, the ill-looking
man was inspecting the hole in the crown of his three-cornered hat.
As the young lady brushed past, she dropped one of her gloves into my
uncle's hand, and softly whispered, with her lips so close to his
face that he felt her warm breath on his nose, the single word "Help!"
Gentlemen, my uncle leaped out of the coach at once, with such violence
that it rocked on the springs again.
'"Oh! you've thought better of it, have you?" said the guard, when he
saw my uncle standing on the ground.
'My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, in some doubt whether
it wouldn't be better to wrench his blunderbuss from him, fire it in the
face of the man with the big sword, knock the rest of the company over
the head with the stock, snatch up the young lady, and go off in the
smoke. On second thoughts, however, he abandoned this plan, as being a
shade too melodramatic in the execution, and followed the two mysterious
men, who, keeping the lady between them, were now entering an old house
in front of which the coach had stopped. They turned into the passage,
and my uncle followed.
'Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld, this
was the most so. It looked as if it had once been a large house of
entertainment; but the roof had fallen in, in many places, and the
stairs were steep, rugged, and broken. There was a huge fireplace in the
room into which they walked, and the chimney was blackened with smoke;
but no warm blaze lighted it up now. The white feathery dust of burned
wood was still strewed over the hearth, but the stove was cold, and all
was dark and gloomy.
'"Well," said my uncle, as he looked about him, "a mail travelling at
the rate of six miles and a half an hour, and stopping for an indefinite
time at such a hole as this, is rather an irregular sort of proceeding,
I fancy. This shall be made known. I'll write to the papers."
'My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in an open, unreserved
sort of manner, with the view of engaging the two strangers in
conversation if he could. But, neither of them took any more notice of
him than whispering to each other, and scowling at him as they did so.
The lady was at the farther end of the room, and once she ventured to
wave her hand, as if beseeching my uncle's assistance.
'At length the two strangers advanced a little, and the conversation
began in earnest.
'"You don't know this is a private room, I suppose, fellow?" said the
gentleman in sky-blue.
'"No, I do not, fellow," rejoined my uncle. "Only, if this is a private
room specially ordered for the occasion, I should think the public room
must be a VERY comfortable one;" with this, my uncle sat himself down in
a high-backed chair, and took such an accurate measure of the gentleman,
with his eyes, that Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him with
printed calico for a suit, and not an inch too much or too little, from
that estimate alone.
'"Quit this room," said both men together, grasping their swords.
'"Eh?" said my uncle, not at all appearing to comprehend their meaning.
'"Quit the room, or you are a dead man," said the ill-looking fellow
with the large sword, drawing it at the same time and flourishing it in
the air.
'"Down with him!" cried the gentleman in sky-blue, drawing his sword
also, and falling back two or three yards. "Down with him!" The lady
gave a loud scream.
'Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness, and great
presence of mind. All the time that he had appeared so indifferent to
what was going on, he had been looking slily about for some missile or
weapon of defence, and at the very instant when the swords were drawn,
he espied, standing in the chimney-corner, an old basket-hilted rapier
in a rusty scabbard. At one bound, my uncle caught it in his hand, drew
it, flourished it gallantly above his head, called aloud to the lady to
keep out of the way, hurled the chair at the man in sky-blue, and
the scabbard at the man in plum-colour, and taking advantage of the
confusion, fell upon them both, pell-mell.
'Gentlemen, there is an old story--none the worse for being
true--regarding a fine young Irish gentleman, who being asked if he
could play the fiddle, replied he had no doubt he could, but he couldn't
exactly say, for certain, because he had never tried. This is not
inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing. He had never had a sword
in his hand before, except once when he played Richard the Third at a
private theatre, upon which occasion it was arranged with Richmond that
he was to be run through, from behind, without showing fight at all.
But here he was, cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsman,
thrusting, and guarding, and poking, and slicing, and acquitting himself
in the most manful and dexterous manner possible, although up to
that time he had never been aware that he had the least notion of the
science. It only shows how true the old saying is, that a man never
knows what he can do till he tries, gentlemen.
'The noise of the combat was terrific; each of the three combatants
swearing like troopers, and their swords clashing with as much noise as
if all the knives and steels in Newport market were rattling together,
at the same time. When it was at its very height, the lady (to encourage
my uncle most probably) withdrew her hood entirely from her face, and
disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty, that he would have
fought against fifty men, to win one smile from it and die. He had done
wonders before, but now he began to powder away like a raving mad giant.
'At this very moment, the gentleman in sky-blue turning round, and
seeing the young lady with her face uncovered, vented an exclamation of
rage and jealousy, and, turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom,
pointed a thrust at her heart, which caused my uncle to utter a cry
of apprehension that made the building ring. The lady stepped lightly
aside, and snatching the young man's sword from his hand, before he had
recovered his balance, drove him to the wall, and running it through
him, and the panelling, up to the very hilt, pinned him there, hard and
fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, with a loud shout of triumph,
and a strength that was irresistible, made his adversary retreat in the
same direction, and plunging the old rapier into the very centre of a
large red flower in the pattern of his waistcoat, nailed him beside his
friend; there they both stood, gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs
about in agony, like the toy-shop figures that are moved by a piece of
pack-thread. My uncle always said, afterwards, that this was one of the
surest means he knew of, for disposing of an enemy; but it was liable to
one objection on the ground of expense, inasmuch as it involved the loss
of a sword for every man disabled.
'"The mail, the mail!" cried the lady, running up to my uncle and
throwing her beautiful arms round his neck; "we may yet escape."
'"May!" cried my uncle; "why, my dear, there's nobody else to kill, is
there?" My uncle was rather disappointed, gentlemen, for he thought
a little quiet bit of love-making would be agreeable after the
slaughtering, if it were only to change the subject.
'"We have not an instant to lose here," said the young lady. "He
(pointing to the young gentleman in sky-blue) is the only son of the
powerful Marquess of Filletoville." '"Well then, my dear, I'm afraid
he'll never come to the title," said my uncle, looking coolly at the
young gentleman as he stood fixed up against the wall, in the cockchafer
fashion that I have described. "You have cut off the entail, my love."
'"I have been torn from my home and my friends by these villains," said
the young lady, her features glowing with indignation. "That wretch
would have married me by violence in another hour."
'"Confound his impudence!" said my uncle, bestowing a very contemptuous
look on the dying heir of Filletoville.
'"As you may guess from what you have seen," said the young lady,
"the party were prepared to murder me if I appealed to any one for
assistance. If their accomplices find us here, we are lost. Two minutes
hence may be too late. The mail!" With these words, overpowered by
her feelings, and the exertion of sticking the young Marquess of
Filletoville, she sank into my uncle's arms. My uncle caught her up, and
bore her to the house door. There stood the mail, with four long-tailed,
flowing-maned, black horses, ready harnessed; but no coachman, no guard,
no hostler even, at the horses' heads.
'Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my uncle's memory, when I
express my opinion, that although he was a bachelor, he had held some
ladies in his arms before this time; I believe, indeed, that he had
rather a habit of kissing barmaids; and I know, that in one or two
instances, he had been seen by credible witnesses, to hug a landlady in
a very perceptible manner. I mention the circumstance, to show what a
very uncommon sort of person this beautiful young lady must have been,
to have affected my uncle in the way she did; he used to say, that as
her long dark hair trailed over his arm, and her beautiful dark eyes
fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered, he felt so strange
and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him. But who can look in
a sweet, soft pair of dark eyes, without feeling queer? I can't,
gentlemen. I am afraid to look at some eyes I know, and that's the truth
of it.
'"You will never leave me," murmured the young lady.
'"Never," said my uncle. And he meant it too.
'"My dear preserver!" exclaimed the young lady. "My dear, kind, brave
preserver!"
'"Don't," said my uncle, interrupting her.
'"'Why?" inquired the young lady.
'"Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak," rejoined my
uncle, "that I'm afraid I shall be rude enough to kiss it."
'The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so,
and said--No, she didn't say anything--she smiled. When you are looking
at a pair of the most delicious lips in the world, and see them gently
break into a roguish smile--if you are very near them, and nobody else
by--you cannot better testify your admiration of their beautiful form
and colour than by kissing them at once. My uncle did so, and I honour
him for it.
'"Hark!" cried the young lady, starting. "The noise of wheels, and
horses!"
'"So it is," said my uncle, listening. He had a good ear for wheels,
and the trampling of hoofs; but there appeared to be so many horses and
carriages rattling towards them, from a distance, that it was impossible
to form a guess at their number. The sound was like that of fifty
brakes, with six blood cattle in each.
'"We are pursued!" cried the young lady, clasping her hands. "We are
pursued. I have no hope but in you!"
'There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face, that my
uncle made up his mind at once. He lifted her into the coach, told
her not to be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once more, and then
advising her to draw up the window to keep the cold air out, mounted to
the box.
'"Stay, love," cried the young lady.
'"What's the matter?" said my uncle, from the coach-box.
