distinguished and excellent representative, the Honourable Mr.
Slumkey--that Slumkey whom we, long before he gained his present noble
and exalted position, predicted would one day be, as he now is, at once
his country's brightest honour, and her proudest boast: alike her bold
defender and her honest pride--our reptile contemporary, we say,
has made himself merry, at the expense of a superbly embossed plated
coal-scuttle, which has been presented to that glorious man by his
enraptured constituents, and towards the purchase of which, the nameless
wretch insinuates, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey himself contributed,
through a confidential friend of his butler's, more than three-fourths
of the whole sum subscribed. Why, does not the crawling creature see,
that even if this be the fact, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey only appears
in a still more amiable and radiant light than before, if that be
possible? Does not even his obtuseness perceive that this amiable and
touching desire to carry out the wishes of the constituent body, must
for ever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of his fellow
townsmen as are not worse than swine; or, in other words, who are not as
debased as our contemporary himself? But such is the wretched trickery
of hole-and-corner Buffery! These are not its only artifices. Treason is
abroad. We boldly state, now that we are goaded to the disclosure, and
we throw ourselves on the country and its constables for protection--we
boldly state that secret preparations are at this moment in progress for
a Buff ball; which is to be held in a Buff town, in the very heart and
centre of a Buff population; which is to be conducted by a Buff master
of the ceremonies; which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of
Parliament, and the admission to which, is to be by Buff tickets! Does
our fiendish contemporary wince? Let him writhe, in impotent malice, as
we pen the words, WE WILL BE THERE.'
'There, Sir,' said Pott, folding up the paper quite exhausted, 'that is
the state of the case!'
The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner, caused Mr.
Pott to lay his finger on his lips, in token that he considered his life
in Mr. Pickwick's hands, and depended on his secrecy. Messrs. Bob
Sawyer and Benjamin Allen, who had irreverently fallen asleep during the
reading of the quotation from the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and the discussion
which followed it, were roused by the mere whispering of the talismanic
word 'Dinner' in their ears; and to dinner they went with good digestion
waiting on appetite, and health on both, and a waiter on all three.
In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it, Mr. Pott
descending, for a few moments, to domestic topics, informed Mr. Pickwick
that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady, she was then
engaged in making a tour of different fashionable watering-places with
a view to the recovery of her wonted health and spirits; this was
a delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her
often-repeated threat of separation, had, in virtue of an arrangement
negotiated by her brother, the lieutenant, and concluded by Mr. Pott,
permanently retired with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or half
part of the annual income and profits arising from the editorship and
sale of the Eatanswill GAZETTE.
While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters,
enlivening the conversation from time to time with various extracts from
his own lucubrations, a stern stranger, calling from the window of a
stage-coach, outward bound, which halted at the inn to deliver packages,
requested to know whether if he stopped short on his journey and
remained there for the night, he could be furnished with the necessary
accommodation of a bed and bedstead.
'Certainly, sir,' replied the landlord.
'I can, can I?' inquired the stranger, who seemed habitually suspicious
in look and manner.
'No doubt of it, Sir,' replied the landlord.
'Good,' said the stranger. 'Coachman, I get down here. Guard, my
carpet-bag!'
Bidding the other passengers good-night, in a rather snappish manner,
the stranger alighted. He was a shortish gentleman, with very stiff
black hair cut in the porcupine or blacking-brush style, and standing
stiff and straight all over his head; his aspect was pompous and
threatening; his manner was peremptory; his eyes were sharp and
restless; and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence in
himself, and a consciousness of immeasurable superiority over all other
people.
This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the
patriotic Mr. Pott; and the waiter remarked, in dumb astonishment at the
singular coincidence, that he had no sooner lighted the candles than
the gentleman, diving into his hat, drew forth a newspaper, and began
to read it with the very same expression of indignant scorn, which,
upon the majestic features of Pott, had paralysed his energies an hour
before. The man observed too, that, whereas Mr. Pott's scorn had
been roused by a newspaper headed the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT, this
gentleman's withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled the
Eatanswill GAZETTE.
'Send the landlord,' said the stranger.
'Yes, sir,' rejoined the waiter.
The landlord was sent, and came.
'Are you the landlord?' inquired the gentleman.
'I am sir,' replied the landlord.
'My name is Slurk,' said the gentleman.
The landlord slightly inclined his head.
'Slurk, sir,' repeated the gentleman haughtily. 'Do you know me now,
man?'
The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceiling, and at the
stranger, and smiled feebly.
'Do you know me, man?' inquired the stranger angrily.
The landlord made a strong effort, and at length replied,
'Well, Sir, I do not know you.'
'Great Heaven!' said the stranger, dashing his clenched fist upon the
table. 'And this is popularity!'
The landlord took a step or two towards the door; the stranger fixing
his eyes upon him, resumed.
'This,' said the stranger--'this is gratitude for years of labour and
study in behalf of the masses. I alight wet and weary; no enthusiastic
crowds press forward to greet their champion; the church bells are
silent; the very name elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid
bosoms. It is enough,' said the agitated Mr. Slurk, pacing to and fro,
'to curdle the ink in one's pen, and induce one to abandon their cause
for ever.'
'Did you say brandy-and-water, Sir?' said the landlord, venturing a
hint.
'Rum,' said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. 'Have you got a fire
anywhere?'
'We can light one directly, Sir,' said the landlord.
'Which will throw out no heat until it is bed-time,' interrupted Mr.
Slurk. 'Is there anybody in the kitchen?'
Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Everybody had gone, and the
house door was closed for the night.
'I will drink my rum-and-water,' said Mr. Slurk, 'by the kitchen fire.'
So, gathering up his hat and newspaper, he stalked solemnly behind the
landlord to that humble apartment, and throwing himself on a settle by
the fireside, resumed his countenance of scorn, and began to read and
drink in silent dignity.
Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Saracen's Head at that
moment, on casting down his eyes in mere idle curiosity, happened to
behold Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire, and Pott
slightly elevated with wine in another room; upon which the malicious
demon, darting down into the last-mentioned apartment with inconceivable
rapidity, passed at once into the head of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and prompted
him for his (the demon's) own evil purpose to speak as follows:--
'I say, we've let the fire out. It's uncommonly cold after the rain,
isn't it?'
'It really is,' replied Mr. Pickwick, shivering.
'It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire, would
it?' said Bob Sawyer, still prompted by the demon aforesaid.
'It would be particularly comfortable, I think,' replied Mr. Pickwick.
'Mr. Pott, what do you say?'
Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four travellers, each with his
glass in his hand, at once betook themselves to the kitchen, with Sam
Weller heading the procession to show them the way.
The stranger was still reading; he looked up and started. Mr. Pott
started.
'What's the matter?' whispered Mr. Pickwick.
'That reptile!' replied Pott.
'What reptile?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him for fear he should
tread on some overgrown black beetle, or dropsical spider.
'That reptile,' whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pickwick by the arm, and
pointing towards the stranger. 'That reptile Slurk, of the INDEPENDENT!'
'Perhaps we had better retire,' whispered Mr. Pickwick.
'Never, Sir,' rejoined Pott, pot-valiant in a double sense--'never.'
With these words, Mr. Pott took up his position on an opposite settle,
and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers, began to read
against his enemy.
Mr. Pott, of course read the INDEPENDENT, and Mr. Slurk, of course, read
the GAZETTE; and each gentleman audibly expressed his contempt at the
other's compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs; whence
they proceeded to more open expressions of opinion, such as 'absurd,'
'wretched,' 'atrocity,' 'humbug,' 'knavery', 'dirt,' 'filth,' 'slime,'
'ditch-water,' and other critical remarks of the like nature.
Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of
rivalry and hatred, with a degree of delight which imparted great
additional relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most
vigorously. The moment they began to flag, the mischievous Mr. Bob
Sawyer, addressing Slurk with great politeness, said--
'Will you allow me to look at your paper, Sir, when you have quite done
with it?'
'You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this
contemptible THING, sir,' replied Slurk, bestowing a Satanic frown on
Pott.
'You shall have this presently,' said Pott, looking up, pale with rage,
and quivering in his speech, from the same cause. 'Ha! ha! you will be
amused with this FELLOW'S audacity.'
Terrible emphasis was laid upon 'thing' and 'fellow'; and the faces of
both editors began to glow with defiance.
'The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting,' said
Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk. Here,
Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up the paper so as to get
at a fresh column conveniently, said, that the blockhead really amused
him.
'What an impudent blunderer this fellow is,' said Pott, turning from
pink to crimson.
'Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, Sir?' inquired Slurk of
Bob Sawyer.
'Never,' replied Bob; 'is it very bad?'
'Oh, shocking! shocking!' rejoined Slurk.
'Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!' exclaimed Pott, at this
juncture; still feigning to be absorbed in his reading.
'If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, meanness, falsehood,
perjury, treachery, and cant,' said Slurk, handing the paper to Bob,
'you will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the style of this
ungrammatical twaddler.'
'What's that you said, Sir?' inquired Mr. Pott, looking up, trembling
all over with passion.
'What's that to you, sir?' replied Slurk.
'Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?' said Pott.
'Yes, sir, it was,' replied Slurk; 'and BLUE BORE, Sir, if you like that
better; ha! ha!'
Mr. Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult, but deliberately
folded up his copy of the INDEPENDENT, flattened it carefully down,
crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with great ceremony, and flung
it into the fire.
'There, sir,' said Pott, retreating from the stove, 'and that's the way
I would serve the viper who produces it, if I were not, fortunately for
him, restrained by the laws of my country.'
'Serve him so, sir!' cried Slurk, starting up. 'Those laws shall never
be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case. Serve him so, sir!'
'Hear! hear!' said Bob Sawyer.
'Nothing can be fairer,' observed Mr. Ben Allen.
'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a loud voice.
Mr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might have withered an anchor.
'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a louder voice than before.
'I will not, sir,' rejoined Pott.
'Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?' said Mr. Slurk, in a taunting manner;
'you hear this, gentlemen! He won't; not that he's afraid--, oh, no! he
WON'T. Ha! ha!'
'I consider you, sir,' said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, 'I consider
you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a man who has placed himself
beyond the pale of society, by his most audacious, disgraceful, and
abominable public conduct. I view you, sir, personally and politically,
in no other light than as a most unparalleled and unmitigated viper.'
The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal
denunciation; for, catching up his carpet-bag, which was well stuffed
with movables, he swung it in the air as Pott turned away, and, letting
it fall with a circular sweep on his head, just at that particular angle
of the bag where a good thick hairbrush happened to be packed, caused a
sharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once
