'You ARE drunk,' returned the magistrate. 'How dare you say you are not
drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn't he smell of spirits, Grummer?'
'Horrid, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that
there was a smell of rum somewhere.
'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. 'I saw he was drunk when he first
came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye,
Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the man, who
was as sober a fellow as need be.
'How dare you tell me a falsehood?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'Isn't he drunk at
this moment, Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks.
'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'I shall commit that man for contempt.
Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.'
And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the
magistrate's adviser (having had a legal education of three years in a
country attorney's office), whispered the magistrate that he thought
it wouldn't do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in
consideration of the special's family, he would merely reprimand and
discharge him. Accordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for a
quarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley,
Muzzle, and all the other specials, murmured their admiration of the
magnanimity of Mr. Nupkins.
'Now, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'swear Grummer.'
Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins's
dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by putting
leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in the
affirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smooth
and comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and
a threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all
this was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr.
Jinks consulted in whispers.
The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired to
his end of the table; and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough, drew
himself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence his address,
when Mr. Pickwick interposed.
'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but
before you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion you may have
formed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim my
right to be heard so far as I am personally concerned.'
'Hold your tongue, Sir,' said the magistrate peremptorily.
'I must submit to you, Sir--' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, 'or I shall order an
officer to remove you.'
'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,' said Mr.
Pickwick; 'and I have no doubt, from the specimen I have had of the
subordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, they will
execute, Sir; but I shall take the liberty, Sir, of claiming my right to
be heard, until I am removed by force.'
'Pickvick and principle!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice.
'Sam, be quiet,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, Sir,' replied Sam.
Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment,
at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was apparently about to
return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve,
and whispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returned
a half-audible answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks was
evidently remonstrating. At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a
very bad grace, his disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr.
Pickwick, and said sharply, 'What do you want to say?'
'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, under
which even Nupkins quailed, 'first, I wish to know what I and my friend
have been brought here for?'
'Must I tell him?' whispered the magistrate to Jinks.
'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinks to the magistrate. 'An
information has been sworn before me,' said the magistrate, 'that it
is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man,
Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, sir.'
'Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that's the course, Mr.
Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate pettishly.
'To find bail, sir.'
'Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say when I
was interrupted by my clerk--to find bail.' 'Good bail,' whispered Mr.
Jinks.
'I shall require good bail,' said the magistrate.
'Town's-people,' whispered Jinks.
'They must be townspeople,' said the magistrate.
'Fifty pounds each,' whispered Jinks, 'and householders, of course.'
'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the magistrate
aloud, with great dignity, 'and they must be householders, of course.'
'But bless my heart, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr.
Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; 'we are perfect strangers
in this town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as I
have intention of fighting a duel with anybody.'
'I dare say,' replied the magistrate, 'I dare say--don't you, Mr.
Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'Have you anything more to say?' inquired the magistrate.
Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt
have said, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate's
satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulled
by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediately engaged in
so earnest a conversation, that he suffered the magistrate's inquiry to
pass wholly unnoticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a question
of the kind twice over; and so, with another preparatory cough,
he proceeded, amidst the reverential and admiring silence of the
constables, to pronounce his decision. He should fine Weller two pounds
for the first assault, and three pounds for the second. He should fine
Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrass one pound, besides requiring them to
enter into their own recognisances to keep the peace towards all his
Majesty's subjects, and especially towards his liege servant, Daniel
Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had already held to bail.
Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, with a
smile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance, stepped forward,
and said--
'I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes' private
conversation with him, on a matter of deep importance to himself?'
'What?' said the magistrate. Mr. Pickwick repeated his request.
'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. 'A private
interview?'
'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'only, as a part of
the information which I wish to communicate is derived from my servant,
I should wish him to be present.'
The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate;
the officers looked at each other in amazement. Mr. Nupkins turned
suddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, have
divulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? It was a dreadful
thought. He was a public man; and he turned paler, as he thought of
Julius Caesar and Mr. Perceval.
The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned Mr. Jinks.
'What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?' murmured Mr. Nupkins.
Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and was afraid
he might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious fashion, and, screwing
up the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side.
'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate gravely, 'you are an ass.'
At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again--rather
more feebly than before--and edged himself, by degrees, back into his
own corner.
Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds, and
then, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam
to follow him, led the way into a small room which opened into the
justice-parlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the
little apartment, and holding his hand upon the half-closed door, that
he might be able to effect an immediate escape, in case there was the
least tendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed his
readiness to hear the communication, whatever it might be.
'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'it affects
yourself and your credit materially. I have every reason to believe,
Sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!'
'Two,' interrupted Sam. 'Mulberry agin all natur, for tears and
willainny!'
'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if I am to render myself intelligible to this
gentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings.'
'Wery sorry, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but when I think o' that 'ere
Job, I can't help opening the walve a inch or two.'
'In one word, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is my servant right in
suspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit of
visiting here? Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupkins
was about to offer a very indignant interruption, 'because if he be, I
know that person to be a--'
'Hush, hush,' said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. 'Know him to be what,
Sir?'
'An unprincipled adventurer--a dishonourable character--a man who preys
upon society, and makes easily-deceived people his dupes, Sir; his
absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, Sir,' said the excited Mr.
Pickwick.
'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his whole
manner directly. 'Dear me, Mr.--'
'Pickvick,' said Sam.
'Pickwick,' said the magistrate, 'dear me, Mr. Pickwick--pray take a
seat--you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall!'
'Don't call him a cap'en,' said Sam, 'nor Fitz-Marshall neither; he
ain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling actor, he is, and his
name's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that
'ere Job Trotter's him.'
'It is very true, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate's
look of amazement; 'my only business in this town, is to expose the
person of whom we now speak.'
Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear of Mr.
Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He related
how he had first met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; how he had
cheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration; how he had
entrapped himself into a lady's boarding-school at midnight; and how
he (Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of his
present name and rank.
As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of Mr.
Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He had picked up the
captain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmed with his long list of
aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel, and his fashionable
demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had exhibited Captain
Fitz-Marshall, and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain
Fitz-Marshall at the devoted heads of their select circle of
acquaintance, until their bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and the Misses
Porkenhams, and Mr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst with
jealousy and despair. And now, to hear, after all, that he was a needy
adventurer, a strolling player, and if not a swindler, something so very
like it, that it was hard to tell the difference! Heavens! what would
the Porkenhams say! What would be the triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham
when he found that his addresses had been slighted for such a rival!
How should he, Nupkins, meet the eye of old Porkenham at the next
quarter-sessions! And what a handle would it be for the opposition
magisterial party if the story got abroad!
'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, after a
long pause; 'after all, this is a mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshall
is a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many enemies.
What proof have you of the truth of these representations?'
'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that is all I ask, and all
I require. Confront him with me and my friends here; you will want no
further proof.'
'Why,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'that might be very easily done, for he will
be here to-night, and then there would be no occasion to make the matter
public, just--just--for the young man's own sake, you know. I--I--should
like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the propriety of the step, in the first
instance, though. At all events, Mr. Pickwick, we must despatch this
legal business before we can do anything else. Pray step back into the
next room.'
Into the next room they went.
'Grummer,' said the magistrate, in an awful voice.
'Your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite.
'Come, come, Sir,' said the magistrate sternly, 'don't let me see any of
this levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure you that
you have very little to smile at. Was the account you gave me just now
strictly true? Now be careful, sir!' 'Your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer,
