'I-'
'Oh, you are confused, are you?' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks, you
observe this confusion?'
'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks.
'Now,' said the magistrate, 'repeat your statement, Grummer, and again I
warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his words down.'
The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint, but, what
between Mr. Jinks's taking down his words, and the magistrate's taking
them up, his natural tendency to rambling, and his extreme confusion,
he managed to get involved, in something under three minutes, in such
a mass of entanglement and contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins at once
declared he didn't believe him. So the fines were remitted, and
Mr. Jinks found a couple of bail in no time. And all these solemn
proceedings having been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer was
ignominiously ordered out--an awful instance of the instability of human
greatness, and the uncertain tenure of great men's favour.
Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a light
brown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed all her mamma's haughtiness without
the turban, and all her ill-nature without the wig; and whenever the
exercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughter
in some unpleasant dilemma, as they not infrequently did, they
both concurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins.
Accordingly, when Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed the
communication which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins suddenly
recollected that she had always expected something of the kind; that she
had always said it would be so; that her advice was never taken; that
she really did not know what Mr. Nupkins supposed she was; and so forth.
'The idea!' said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scanty proportions
into the corner of each eye; 'the idea of my being made such a fool of!'
'Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Nupkins; 'how I
have implored and begged that man to inquire into the captain's family
connections; how I have urged and entreated him to take some decisive
step! I am quite certain nobody would believe it--quite.'
'But, my dear,' said Mr. Nupkins.
'Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!' said Mrs. Nupkins.
'My love,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'you professed yourself very fond of
Captain Fitz-Marshall. You have constantly asked him here, my dear, and
you have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere.'
'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to her
daughter with the air of a much-injured female. 'Didn't I say that your
papa would turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I say so?'
Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed.
'Oh, pa!' remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here she sobbed too.
'Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and ridicule
upon us, to taunt me with being the cause of it?' exclaimed Mrs.
Nupkins.
'How can we ever show ourselves in society!' said Miss Nupkins.
'How can we face the Porkenhams?' cried Mrs. Nupkins.
'Or the Griggs!' cried Miss Nupkins. 'Or the Slummintowkens!' cried
Mrs. Nupkins. 'But what does your papa care! What is it to HIM!' At this
dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkins wept mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins
followed on the same side.
Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great velocity, until
she had gained a little time to think the matter over; when she decided,
in her own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr. Pickwick
and his friends to remain until the captain's arrival, and then to
give Mr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it appeared that he
had spoken truly, the captain could be turned out of the house without
noising the matter abroad, and they could easily account to the
Porkenhams for his disappearance, by saying that he had been appointed,
through the Court influence of his family, to the governor-generalship
of Sierra Leone, of Saugur Point, or any other of those salubrious
climates which enchant Europeans so much, that when they once get there,
they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again.
When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up hers, and
Mr. Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkins had
proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all
marks of their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies, and soon
afterwards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate, with
his peculiar sagacity, had discovered in half an hour to be one of the
finest fellows alive, was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr.
Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below, and make much of
him.
'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down the
kitchen stairs.
'Why, no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system,
since I see you cocked up behind your governor's chair in the parlour, a
little vile ago,' replied Sam.
'You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then,' said Mr.
Muzzle. 'You see, master hadn't introduced us, then. Lord, how fond he
is of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure!'
'Ah!' said Sam, 'what a pleasant chap he is!'
'Ain't he?'replied Mr. Muzzle.
'So much humour,' said Sam.
'And such a man to speak,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'How his ideas flow, don't
they?'
'Wonderful,' replied Sam; 'they comes a-pouring out, knocking each
other's heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; you hardly
know what he's arter, do you?' 'That's the great merit of his style of
speaking,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle. 'Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller.
Would you like to wash your hands, sir, before we join the ladies'!
Here's a sink, with the water laid on, Sir, and a clean jack towel
behind the door.'
'Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse,' replied Mr. Weller, applying
plenty of yellow soap to the towel, and rubbing away till his face shone
again. 'How many ladies are there?'
'Only two in our kitchen,' said Mr. Muzzle; 'cook and 'ouse-maid. We
keep a boy to do the dirty work, and a gal besides, but they dine in the
wash'us.'
'Oh, they dines in the wash'us, do they?' said Mr. Weller.
'Yes,' replied Mr. Muzzle, 'we tried 'em at our table when they first
come, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's manners is dreadful vulgar;
and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we found it
impossible to sit at table with him.'
'Young grampus!' said Mr. Weller.
'Oh, dreadful,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle; 'but that is the worst of country
service, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always so very savage. This way,
sir, if you please, this way.'
Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conducted
him into the kitchen.
'Mary,' said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant-girl, 'this is Mr. Weller;
a gentleman as master has sent down, to be made as comfortable as
possible.'
'And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the right
place,' said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at Mary. 'If I
wos master o' this here house, I should alvays find the materials for
comfort vere Mary wos.' 'Lor, Mr. Weller!' said Mary blushing.
'Well, I never!' ejaculated the cook.
'Bless me, cook, I forgot you,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'Mr. Weller, let me
introduce you.'
'How are you, ma'am?' said Mr. Weller.'Wery glad to see you, indeed, and
hope our acquaintance may be a long 'un, as the gen'l'm'n said to the
fi' pun' note.'
When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook and
Mary retired into the back kitchen to titter, for ten minutes; then
returning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner. Mr.
Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had such irresistible
influence with his new friends, that before the dinner was half over,
they were on a footing of perfect intimacy, and in possession of a full
account of the delinquency of Job Trotter.
'I never could a-bear that Job,' said Mary.
'No more you never ought to, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller.
'Why not?' inquired Mary.
''Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar with elegance
and wirtew,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ought they, Mr. Muzzle?'
'Not by no means,' replied that gentleman.
Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the cook laughed,
and said she hadn't.
'I ha'n't got a glass,' said Mary.
'Drink with me, my dear,' said Mr. Weller. 'Put your lips to this here
tumbler, and then I can kiss you by deputy.'
'For shame, Mr. Weller!' said Mary.
'What's a shame, my dear?'
'Talkin' in that way.'
'Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, cook?'
'Don't ask me, imperence,' replied the cook, in a high state of delight;
and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again, till what between the
beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter combined, the latter young
lady was brought to the verge of choking--an alarming crisis from which
she was only recovered by sundry pats on the back, and other necessary
attentions, most delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller. In the
midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was heard at
the garden gate, to which the young gentleman who took his meals in the
wash-house, immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in the height of
his attentions to the pretty house-maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the
honours of the table; and the cook had just paused to laugh, in the very
act of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when the kitchen door opened,
and in walked Mr. Job Trotter.
We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is not
distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact. The door opened
and Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked in, and was in the
very act of doing so, indeed, when catching sight of Mr. Weller,
he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two, and stood gazing on the
unexpected scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazement and
terror.
'Here he is!' said Sam, rising with great glee. 'Why we were that wery
moment a-speaking o' you. How are you? Where have you been? Come in.'
Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr.
Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and, locking the door, handed the
key to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket.
'Well, here's a game!' cried Sam. 'Only think o' my master havin' the
pleasure o' meeting yourn upstairs, and me havin' the joy o' meetin'
you down here. How are you gettin' on, and how is the chandlery bis'ness
likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy you look. It's
quite a treat to see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?'
'Quite,' said Mr. Muzzle.
'So cheerful he is!' said Sam.
'In such good spirits!' said Muzzle. 'And so glad to see us--that makes
it so much more comfortable,' said Sam. 'Sit down; sit down.'
Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside.
He cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, and then on Mr. Muzzle, but
said nothing.
'Well, now,' said Sam, 'afore these here ladies, I should jest like to
ask you, as a sort of curiosity, whether you don't consider yourself
as nice and well-behaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used a pink check
pocket-handkerchief, and the number four collection?'
'And as was ever a-going to be married to a cook,' said that lady
indignantly. 'The willin!'
'And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery line
arterwards,' said the housemaid.
'Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man,' said Mr. Muzzle solemnly,
enraged at the last two allusions, 'this here lady (pointing to the
cook) keeps company with me; and when you presume, Sir, to talk of
keeping chandlers' shops with her, you injure me in one of the most
delicatest points in which one man can injure another. Do you understand
that, Sir?'
Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in which he
imitated his master, paused for a reply.
But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemn
manner--
'It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for several
minutes, Sir, because MY master is at this moment particularly engaged
in settling the hash of YOUR master, Sir; and therefore you'll have
leisure, Sir, for a little private talk with me, Sir. Do you understand
that, Sir?'
Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter disappointed
him.
'Well, then,' said Mr. Muzzle, 'I'm very sorry to have to explain myself
before ladies, but the urgency of the case will be my excuse. The back
kitchen's empty, Sir. If you will step in there, Sir, Mr. Weller will
see fair, and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings.
Follow me, Sir!'
As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards the
door; and, by way of saving time, began to pull off his coat as he
walked along.
Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate
challenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into execution, than she
uttered a loud and piercing shriek; and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who
