respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one, as made an affectin'
copy o' werses the night afore he was hung for a highway robbery; and he
wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's no rule.'
But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred
to him, so he signed the letter--
'Your love-sick
Pickwick.'
And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a downhill
direction in one corner: 'To Mary, Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins's, Mayor's,
Ipswich, Suffolk'; and put it into his pocket, wafered, and ready for
the general post. This important business having been transacted, Mr.
Weller the elder proceeded to open that, on which he had summoned his
son.
'The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller.
'He's a-goin' to be tried to-morrow, ain't he?'
'The trial's a-comin' on,' replied Sam.
'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses
to speak to his character, or p'rhaps to prove a alleybi. I've been
a-turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy,
Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice
'ud be this here--never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi.
Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.' Mr. Weller looked very profound
as he delivered this legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler,
winked over the top thereof, at his astonished son. 'Why, what do you
mean?' said Sam; 'you don't think he's a-goin' to be tried at the Old
Bailey, do you?'
'That ain't no part of the present consideration, Sammy,' replied Mr.
Weller. 'Verever he's a-goin' to be tried, my boy, a alleybi's the thing
to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that 'ere manslaughter, with
a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldn't save
him. And my 'pinion is, Sammy, that if your governor don't prove a
alleybi, he'll be what the Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, and that's
all about it.'
As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction
that the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country,
and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled
the practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever, he totally
disregarded the assurances and arguments of his son, tending to show
that the alibi was inadmissible; and vehemently protested that Mr.
Pickwick was being 'wictimised.' Finding that it was of no use to
discuss the matter further, Sam changed the subject, and inquired what
the second topic was, on which his revered parent wished to consult him.
'That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'This here
Stiggins--'
'Red-nosed man?' inquired Sam.
'The wery same,' replied Mr. Weller. 'This here red-nosed man, Sammy,
wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and constancy I never see
equalled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that wen he's avay
from us, he can't be comfortable unless he has somethin' to remember us
by.'
'And I'd give him somethin' as 'ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for
the next ten years or so, if I wos you,' interposed Sam.
'Stop a minute,' said Mr. Weller; 'I wos a-going to say, he always
brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half, and fills it
vith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay.'
'And empties it afore he comes back, I s'pose?' said Sam.
'Clean!' replied Mr. Weller; 'never leaves nothin' in it but the cork
and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these here fellows, my
boy, are a-goin' to-night to get up the monthly meetin' o' the
Brick Lane Branch o' the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance
Association. Your mother-in-law wos a-goin', Sammy, but she's got the
rheumatics, and can't; and I, Sammy--I've got the two tickets as wos
sent her.' Mr. Weller communicated this secret with great glee, and
winked so indefatigably after doing so, that Sam began to think he must
have got the TIC DOLOUREUX in his right eyelid.
'Well?' said that young gentleman. 'Well,' continued his progenitor,
looking round him very cautiously, 'you and I'll go, punctiwal to the
time. The deputy-shepherd won't, Sammy; the deputy-shepherd won't.'
Here Mr. Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles, which gradually
terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman
can, with safety, sustain.
'Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,' exclaimed
Sam, rubbing the old gentleman's back, hard enough to set him on fire
with the friction. 'What are you a-laughin' at, corpilence?'
'Hush! Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, looking round him with increased
caution, and speaking in a whisper. 'Two friends o' mine, as works
the Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, has got the
deputy-shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he does come to the Ebenezer
Junction (vich he's sure to do: for they'll see him to the door, and
shove him in, if necessary), he'll be as far gone in rum-and-water, as
ever he wos at the Markis o' Granby, Dorkin', and that's not sayin'
a little neither.' And with this, Mr. Weller once more laughed
immoderately, and once more relapsed into a state of partial
suffocation, in consequence.
Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller's feelings
than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of
the red-nosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting,
the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not
forgetting to drop his letter into a general post-office as they walked
along.
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand
Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room,
pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious
ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr. Anthony Humm, a
converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, and occasionally an itinerant
preacher; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler's shopkeeper,
an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel, who sold tea to the members.
Previous to the commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and
drank tea, till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off;
and a large wooden money-box was conspicuously placed upon the green
baize cloth of the business-table, behind which the secretary stood, and
acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every addition to the rich vein of
copper which lay concealed within.
On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming
extent; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller, senior, who, utterly
regardless of all Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about him in every
direction with the most undisguised astonishment.
'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, 'if some o' these here people don't want
tappin' to-morrow mornin', I ain't your father, and that's wot it is.
Why, this here old lady next me is a-drowndin' herself in tea.' 'Be
quiet, can't you?' murmured Sam.
'Sam,' whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep
agitation, 'mark my vords, my boy. If that 'ere secretary fellow keeps
on for only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up with toast and
water.'
'Well, let him, if he likes,' replied Sam; 'it ain't no bis'ness o'
yourn.'
'If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in the same
low voice, 'I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein', to rise and
address the cheer. There's a young 'ooman on the next form but two, as
has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she's a-swellin' wisibly
before my wery eyes.'
There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his benevolent
intention into immediate execution, if a great noise, occasioned by
putting up the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately announced that
the tea-drinking was over. The crockery having been removed, the table
with the green baize cover was carried out into the centre of the room,
and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man,
with a bald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, at
the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs incased in the drab
shorts, and said--
'Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. Anthony Humm,
into the chair.'
The ladies waved a choice selection of pocket-handkerchiefs at this
proposition; and the impetuous little man literally moved Mr. Humm
into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a
mahogany-frame which had once represented that article of furniture.
The waving of handkerchiefs was renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek,
white-faced man, in a perpetual perspiration, bowed meekly, to the great
admiration of the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then
proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose and
said--That, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and
sisters, then and there present, the secretary would read the report of
the Brick Lane Branch committee; a proposition which was again received
with a demonstration of pocket-handkerchiefs.
The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and the cough
which always seizes an assembly, when anything particular is going to be
done, having been duly performed, the following document was read:
'REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND
JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION
'Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past
month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following
additional cases of converts to Temperance.
'H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better
circumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale
and beer; says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week,
for twenty years, taste "dog's nose," which your committee find upon
inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg
(a groan, and 'So it is!' from an elderly female). Is now out of work
and penniless; thinks it must be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the
use of his right hand; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely
that, if he had drunk nothing but water all his life, his fellow-workman
would never have stuck a rusty needle in him, and thereby occasioned his
accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to drink, and
never feels thirsty (great applause).
'Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charing and
washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, but knows her mother
drank bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder if that caused it (immense
cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained
from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time (tremendous
applause). Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteen-pence a
day, a pint of porter, and a glass of spirits; but since she became a
member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three-and-sixpence
(the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with
deafening enthusiasm).
'Henry Beller was for many years toast-master at various corporation
dinners, during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine; may
sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him; is not quite
certain of that, but is sure if he did, that he drank the contents.
Feels very low and melancholy, is very feverish, and has a constant
thirst upon him; thinks it must be the wine he used to drink (cheers).
Is out of employ now; and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any
chance (tremendous plaudits).
'Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs,
and several members of the Common Council (the announcement of this
gentleman's name was received with breathless interest). Has a wooden
leg; finds a wooden leg expensive, going over the stones; used to
wear second-hand wooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-and-water
regularly every night--sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-hand
wooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that their
constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water (prolonged cheering).
Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The
new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes
this solely to his temperate habits (triumphant cheers).'
Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song.
With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment, Brother Mordlin
had adapted the beautiful words of 'Who hasn't heard of a Jolly Young
Waterman?' to the tune of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them
to join him in singing (great applause). He might take that opportunity
of expressing his firm persuasion that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the
errors of his former life, had written that song to show the advantages
of abstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). The
neatness of the young man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, the
enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the
poet, to
'Row along, thinking of nothing at all,'
all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker (cheers).
Oh, what a state of virtuous jollity! (rapturous cheering). And what was
the young man's reward? Let all young men present mark this:
