'The maidens all flocked to his boat so readily.'
(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example! The
sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman, and urging
him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But, was it the maidens
of humble life only, who soothed, consoled, and supported him? No!
'He was always first oars with the fine city ladies.'
(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man--he begged pardon, to a
female--rallied round the young waterman, and turned with disgust from
the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothers were
watermen (cheers and laughter). That room was their boat; that audience
were the maidens; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm), however unworthily, was
'first oars' (unbounded applause).
'Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller, in a
whisper.
'The womin,' said Sam, in the same tone.
'He ain't far out there, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller; 'they MUST be a
soft sex--a wery soft sex, indeed--if they let themselves be gammoned by
such fellers as him.'
Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short
by the announcement of the song, which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out two
lines at a time, for the information of such of his hearers as were
unacquainted with the legend. While it was being sung, the little
man with the drab shorts disappeared; he returned immediately on its
conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest
importance. 'My friends,' said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a
deprecatory manner, to bespeak the silence of such of the stout old
ladies as were yet a line or two behind; 'my friends, a delegate from
the Dorking Branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, attends below.'
Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force than ever; for
Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of
Brick Lane.
'He may approach, I think,' said Mr. Humm, looking round him, with a fat
smile. 'Brother Tadger, let him come forth and greet us.'
The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother
Tadger, bustled down the ladder with great speed, and was immediately
afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend Mr. Stiggins.
'He's a-comin', Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the countenance
with suppressed laughter.
'Don't say nothin' to me,' replied Sam, 'for I can't bear it. He's close
to the door. I hear him a-knockin' his head again the lath and plaster
now.'
As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, and Brother Tadger
appeared, closely followed by the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner
entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping of feet,
and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of which manifestations of
delight, Brother Stiggins returned no other acknowledgment than staring
with a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of the wick of
the candle on the table, swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a
very unsteady and uncertain manner.
'Are you unwell, Brother Stiggins?' whispered Mr. Anthony Humm.
'I am all right, Sir,' replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which ferocity
was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance; 'I am all right,
Sir.'
'Oh, very well,' rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a few paces.
'I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right,
Sir?' said Mr. Stiggins.
'Oh, certainly not,' said Mr. Humm. 'I should advise him not to, Sir; I
should advise him not,' said Mr. Stiggins.
By this time the audience were perfectly silent, and waited with some
anxiety for the resumption of business.
'Will you address the meeting, brother?' said Mr. Humm, with a smile of
invitation.
'No, sir,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins; 'No, sir. I will not, sir.'
The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids; and a murmur of
astonishment ran through the room.
'It's my opinion, sir,' said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, and
speaking very loudly--'it's my opinion, sir, that this meeting is drunk,
sir. Brother Tadger, sir!' said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing in
ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab
shorts, 'YOU are drunk, sir!' With this, Mr. Stiggins, entertaining
a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting, and to
exclude therefrom all improper characters, hit Brother Tadger on
the summit of the nose with such unerring aim, that the drab shorts
disappeared like a flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocked,
head first, down the ladder.
Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal screaming; and rushing in
small parties before their favourite brothers, flung their arms around
them to preserve them from danger. An instance of affection, which had
nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, being extremely popular, was all but
suffocated, by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck,
and heaped caresses upon him. The greater part of the lights were
quickly put out, and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all
sides.
'Now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat with much
deliberation, 'just you step out, and fetch in a watchman.'
'And wot are you a-goin' to do, the while?' inquired Sam.
'Never you mind me, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman; 'I shall ockipy
myself in havin' a small settlement with that 'ere Stiggins.' Before Sam
could interfere to prevent it, his heroic parent had penetrated into a
remote corner of the room, and attacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with
manual dexterity.
'Come off!' said Sam.
'Come on!' cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation he gave the
Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, and began dancing
round him in a buoyant and cork-like manner, which in a gentleman at his
time of life was a perfect marvel to behold.
Finding all remonstrances unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on,
threw his father's coat over his arm, and taking the old man round the
waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; never
releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, until they reached the
corner. As they gained it, they could hear the shouts of the populace,
who were witnessing the removal of the Reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong
lodgings for the night, and could hear the noise occasioned by the
dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch
of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association.
CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE
MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK
'I wonder what the foreman of the jury, whoever he'll be, has got for
breakfast,' said Mr. Snodgrass, by way of keeping up a conversation on
the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February.
'Ah!' said Perker, 'I hope he's got a good one.' 'Why so?' inquired Mr.
Pickwick.
'Highly important--very important, my dear Sir,' replied Perker. 'A
good, contented, well-breakfasted juryman is a capital thing to get hold
of. Discontented or hungry jurymen, my dear sir, always find for the
plaintiff.'
'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank, 'what do they
do that for?'
'Why, I don't know,' replied the little man coolly; 'saves time, I
suppose. If it's near dinner-time, the foreman takes out his watch when
the jury has retired, and says, "Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to
five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen." "So do I," says everybody
else, except two men who ought to have dined at three and seem more than
half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts
up his watch:--"Well, gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant,
gentlemen? I rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen,--I say,
I rather think--but don't let that influence you--I RATHER think the
plaintiff's the man." Upon this, two or three other men are sure to say
that they think so too--as of course they do; and then they get on very
unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes past nine!' said the little
man, looking at his watch.'Time we were off, my dear sir; breach of
promise trial-court is generally full in such cases. You had better ring
for a coach, my dear sir, or we shall be rather late.'
Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell, and a coach having been
procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr. Perker ensconced themselves
therein, and drove to Guildhall; Sam Weller, Mr. Lowten, and the blue
bag, following in a cab.
'Lowten,' said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the court,
'put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the students' box; Mr. Pickwick himself
had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way.' Taking Mr.
Pickwick by the coat sleeve, the little man led him to the low seat just
beneath the desks of the King's Counsel, which is constructed for the
convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can whisper into the ear of
the leading counsel in the case, any instructions that may be necessary
during the progress of the trial. The occupants of this seat are
invisible to the great body of spectators, inasmuch as they sit on a
much lower level than either the barristers or the audience, whose seats
are raised above the floor. Of course they have their backs to both, and
their faces towards the judge.
'That's the witness-box, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a
kind of pulpit, with a brass rail, on his left hand.
'That's the witness-box, my dear sir,' replied Perker, disinterring a
quantity of papers from the blue bag, which Lowten had just deposited at
his feet.
'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on
his right, 'that's where the jurymen sit, is it not?'
'The identical place, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, tapping the lid of
his snuff-box.
Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation, and took a glance
at the court. There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators
in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs, in the
barristers' seats, who presented, as a body, all that pleasing and
extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the Bar of England is
so justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry,
carried it in as conspicuous a manner as possible, and occasionally
scratched their noses therewith, to impress the fact more strongly on
the observation of the spectators. Other gentlemen, who had no briefs to
show, carried under their arms goodly octavos, with a red label behind,
and that under-done-pie-crust-coloured cover, which is technically known
as 'law calf.' Others, who had neither briefs nor books, thrust their
hands into their pockets, and looked as wise as they conveniently
could; others, again, moved here and there with great restlessness and
earnestness of manner, content to awaken thereby the admiration and
astonishment of the uninitiated strangers. The whole, to the great
wonderment of Mr. Pickwick, were divided into little groups, who were
chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner
possible--just as if no trial at all were coming on.
A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took his seat behind the row
appropriated to the King's Counsel, attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention;
and he had scarcely returned it, when Mr. Serjeant Snubbin appeared,
followed by Mr. Mallard, who half hid the Serjeant behind a large
crimson bag, which he placed on his table, and, after shaking hands with
Perker, withdrew. Then there entered two or three more Serjeants; and
among them, one with a fat body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly
manner to Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, and said it was a fine morning.
'Who's that red-faced man, who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to
our counsel?' whispered Mr. Pickwick.
'Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz,' replied Perker. 'He's opposed to us; he leads on
the other side. That gentleman behind him is Mr. Skimpin, his junior.'
Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with great abhorrence of the
man's cold-blooded villainy, how Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, who was counsel
for the opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Serjeant Snubbin,
who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning, when he was
interrupted by a general rising of the barristers, and a loud cry of
'Silence!' from the officers of the court. Looking round, he found that
this was caused by the entrance of the judge.
Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice,
occasioned by indisposition) was a most particularly short man, and
so fat, that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in, upon two
little turned legs, and having bobbed gravely to the Bar, who bobbed
gravely to him, put his little legs underneath his table, and his little
three-cornered hat upon it; and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh had done
this, all you could see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink
face, and somewhere about half of a big and very comical-looking wig.
The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the officer on the floor of
the court called out 'Silence!' in a commanding tone, upon which another
officer in the gallery cried 'Silence!' in an angry manner, whereupon
three or four more ushers shouted 'Silence!' in a voice of indignant
remonstrance. This being done, a gentleman in black, who sat below the
judge, proceeded to call over the names of the jury; and after a great
deal of bawling, it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were
