took the chair, and was supported at the other end of the board by the
gentleman in orange plush. The greengrocer put on a pair of wash-leather
gloves to hand the plates with, and stationed himself behind Mr.
Tuckle's chair.
'Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, in a commanding tone. 'Sir,' said the
greengrocer.
'Have you got your gloves on?' 'Yes, Sir.'
'Then take the kiver off.'
'Yes, Sir.'
The greengrocer did as he was told, with a show of great humility, and
obsequiously handed Mr. Tuckle the carving-knife; in doing which, he
accidentally gaped.
'What do you mean by that, Sir?' said Mr. Tuckle, with great asperity.
'I beg your pardon, Sir,' replied the crestfallen greengrocer, 'I didn't
mean to do it, Sir; I was up very late last night, Sir.'
'I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a
most impressive air, 'you're a wulgar beast.'
'I hope, gentlemen,' said Harris, 'that you won't be severe with me,
gentlemen. I am very much obliged to you indeed, gentlemen, for your
patronage, and also for your recommendations, gentlemen, whenever
additional assistance in waiting is required. I hope, gentlemen, I give
satisfaction.'
'No, you don't, Sir,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Very far from it, Sir.'
'We consider you an inattentive reskel,' said the gentleman in the
orange plush.
'And a low thief,' added the gentleman in the green-foil smalls.
'And an unreclaimable blaygaird,' added the gentleman in purple.
The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little epithets were
bestowed upon him, in the true spirit of the very smallest tyranny; and
when everybody had said something to show his superiority, Mr. Tuckle
proceeded to carve the leg of mutton, and to help the company.
This important business of the evening had hardly commenced, when the
door was thrown briskly open, and another gentleman in a light-blue
suit, and leaden buttons, made his appearance.
'Against the rules,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Too late, too late.'
'No, no; positively I couldn't help it,' said the gentleman in blue. 'I
appeal to the company. An affair of gallantry now, an appointment at the
theayter.'
'Oh, that indeed,' said the gentleman in the orange plush.
'Yes; raly now, honour bright,' said the man in blue. 'I made a promese
to fetch our youngest daughter at half-past ten, and she is such an
uncauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the 'art to disappint her. No
offence to the present company, Sir, but a petticut, sir--a petticut,
Sir, is irrevokeable.'
'I begin to suspect there's something in that quarter,' said Tuckle,
as the new-comer took his seat next Sam, 'I've remarked, once or twice,
that she leans very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in and out of
the carriage.'
'Oh, raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't,' said the man in blue. 'It's not
fair. I may have said to one or two friends that she wos a very divine
creechure, and had refused one or two offers without any hobvus cause,
but--no, no, no, indeed, Tuckle--before strangers, too--it's not
right--you shouldn't. Delicacy, my dear friend, delicacy!' And the
man in blue, pulling up his neckerchief, and adjusting his coat cuffs,
nodded and frowned as if there were more behind, which he could say if
he liked, but was bound in honour to suppress.
The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, free and easy sort
of footman, with a swaggering air and pert face, had attracted Mr.
Weller's special attention at first, but when he began to come out
in this way, Sam felt more than ever disposed to cultivate his
acquaintance; so he launched himself into the conversation at once, with
characteristic independence.
'Your health, Sir,' said Sam. 'I like your conversation much. I think
it's wery pretty.'
At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a compliment he was well
used to; but looked approvingly on Sam at the same time, and said he
hoped he should be better acquainted with him, for without any flattery
at all he seemed to have the makings of a very nice fellow about him,
and to be just the man after his own heart.
'You're wery good, sir,' said Sam. 'What a lucky feller you are!'
'How do you mean?' inquired the gentleman in blue.
'That 'ere young lady,' replied Sam.'She knows wot's wot, she does. Ah!
I see.' Mr. Weller closed one eye, and shook his head from side to side,
in a manner which was highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the
gentleman in blue.
'I'm afraid your a cunning fellow, Mr. Weller,' said that individual.
'No, no,' said Sam. 'I leave all that 'ere to you. It's a great deal
more in your way than mine, as the gen'l'm'n on the right side o'
the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the mad bull vos
a-comin' up the lane.'
'Well, well, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'I think she has
remarked my air and manner, Mr. Weller.'
'I should think she couldn't wery well be off o' that,' said Sam.
'Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, sir?' inquired the
favoured gentleman in blue, drawing a toothpick from his waistcoat
pocket.
'Not exactly,' said Sam. 'There's no daughters at my place, else o'
course I should ha' made up to vun on 'em. As it is, I don't think I
can do with anythin' under a female markis. I might keep up with a young
'ooman o' large property as hadn't a title, if she made wery fierce love
to me. Not else.'
'Of course not, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'one can't
be troubled, you know; and WE know, Mr. Weller--we, who are men of the
world--that a good uniform must work its way with the women, sooner or
later. In fact, that's the only thing, between you and me, that makes
the service worth entering into.'
'Just so,' said Sam. 'That's it, o' course.'
When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far, glasses were placed
round, and every gentleman ordered what he liked best, before the
public-house shut up. The gentleman in blue, and the man in orange, who
were the chief exquisites of the party, ordered 'cold shrub and water,'
but with the others, gin-and-water, sweet, appeared to be the favourite
beverage. Sam called the greengrocer a 'desp'rate willin,' and ordered
a large bowl of punch--two circumstances which seemed to raise him very
much in the opinion of the selections.
'Gentlemen,' said the man in blue, with an air of the most consummate
dandyism, 'I'll give you the ladies; come.'
'Hear, hear!' said Sam. 'The young mississes.'
Here there was a loud cry of 'Order,' and Mr. John Smauker, as the
gentleman who had introduced Mr. Weller into that company, begged to
inform him that the word he had just made use of, was unparliamentary.
'Which word was that 'ere, Sir?' inquired Sam. 'Mississes, Sir,' replied
Mr. John Smauker, with an alarming frown. 'We don't recognise such
distinctions here.'
'Oh, wery good,' said Sam; 'then I'll amend the obserwation and call 'em
the dear creeturs, if Blazes vill allow me.'
Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in the
green-foil smalls, whether the chairman could be legally appealed to,
as 'Blazes,' but as the company seemed more disposed to stand upon
their own rights than his, the question was not raised. The man with
the cocked hat breathed short, and looked long at Sam, but apparently
thought it as well to say nothing, in case he should get the worst of
it. After a short silence, a gentleman in an embroidered coat reaching
down to his heels, and a waistcoat of the same which kept one half of
his legs warm, stirred his gin-and-water with great energy, and putting
himself upon his feet, all at once by a violent effort, said he was
desirous of offering a few remarks to the company, whereupon the person
in the cocked hat had no doubt that the company would be very happy to
hear any remarks that the man in the long coat might wish to offer.
'I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for'ard,' said the man in
the long coat, 'having the misforchune to be a coachman, and being only
admitted as a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys, but I do
feel myself bound, gentlemen--drove into a corner, if I may use the
expression--to make known an afflicting circumstance which has come
to my knowledge; which has happened I may say within the soap of my
everyday contemplation. Gentlemen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (everybody
looked at the individual in orange), our friend Mr. Whiffers has
resigned.'
Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. Each gentleman looked in
his neighbour's face, and then transferred his glance to the upstanding
coachman.
'You may well be sapparised, gentlemen,' said the coachman. 'I will not
wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel loss to the service,
but I will beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself, for the improvement
and imitation of his admiring friends.'
The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. Whiffers explained. He said
he certainly could have wished to have continued to hold the appointment
he had just resigned. The uniform was extremely rich and expensive,
the females of the family was most agreeable, and the duties of the
situation was not, he was bound to say, too heavy; the principal service
that was required of him, being, that he should look out of the hall
window as much as possible, in company with another gentleman, who had
also resigned. He could have wished to have spared that company the
painful and disgusting detail on which he was about to enter, but as
the explanation had been demanded of him, he had no alternative but
to state, boldly and distinctly, that he had been required to eat cold
meat.
It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal awakened in
the bosoms of the hearers. Loud cries of 'Shame,' mingled with groans
and hisses, prevailed for a quarter of an hour.
Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this outrage might
be traced to his own forbearing and accommodating disposition. He had a
distinct recollection of having once consented to eat salt butter, and
he had, moreover, on an occasion of sudden sickness in the house, so far
forgotten himself as to carry a coal-scuttle up to the second floor. He
trusted he had not lowered himself in the good opinion of his friends
by this frank confession of his faults; and he hoped the promptness with
which he had resented the last unmanly outrage on his feelings, to which
he had referred, would reinstate him in their good opinion, if he had.
Mr. Whiffers's address was responded to, with a shout of admiration, and
the health of the interesting martyr was drunk in a most enthusiastic
manner; for this, the martyr returned thanks, and proposed their
visitor, Mr. Weller--a gentleman whom he had not the pleasure of an
intimate acquaintance with, but who was the friend of Mr. John Smauker,
which was a sufficient letter of recommendation to any society of
gentlemen whatever, or wherever. On this account, he should have been
disposed to have given Mr. Weller's health with all the honours, if his
friends had been drinking wine; but as they were taking spirits by way
of a change, and as it might be inconvenient to empty a tumbler at every
toast, he should propose that the honours be understood.
At the conclusion of this speech, everybody took a sip in honour of
Sam; and Sam having ladled out, and drunk, two full glasses of punch in
honour of himself, returned thanks in a neat speech.
'Wery much obliged to you, old fellers,' said Sam, ladling away at
the punch in the most unembarrassed manner possible, 'for this here
compliment; which, comin' from sich a quarter, is wery overvelmin'.
I've heered a good deal on you as a body, but I will say, that I never
thought you was sich uncommon nice men as I find you air. I only hope
you'll take care o' yourselves, and not compromise nothin' o' your
dignity, which is a wery charmin' thing to see, when one's out
a-walkin', and has always made me wery happy to look at, ever since
I was a boy about half as high as the brass-headed stick o' my wery
respectable friend, Blazes, there. As to the wictim of oppression in the
suit o' brimstone, all I can say of him, is, that I hope he'll get jist
as good a berth as he deserves; in vitch case it's wery little cold
swarry as ever he'll be troubled with agin.'
Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his speech having been
vociferously applauded, the company broke up.
'Wy, you don't mean to say you're a-goin' old feller?' said Sam Weller
to his friend, Mr. John Smauker.
'I must, indeed,' said Mr. Smauker; 'I promised Bantam.'
'Oh, wery well,' said Sam; 'that's another thing. P'raps he'd resign if
you disappinted him. You ain't a-goin', Blazes?'
'Yes, I am,' said the man with the cocked hat.
'Wot, and leave three-quarters of a bowl of punch behind you!' said Sam;
'nonsense, set down agin.'
Mr. Tuckle was not proof against this invitation. He laid aside the
cocked hat and stick which he had just taken up, and said he would have
one glass, for good fellowship's sake.
As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr. Tuckle, he was
prevailed upon to stop too. When the punch was about half gone, Sam
