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exactly that which my mother had told me. That

said“The Warlock’s Hairy Heart” is by far the

most gruesome of Beedle’s offeringsand many

parents do not share it with their children

until they think they are old enough not to suffer

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

56

nightmares.

1

Whythenthe survival of this grisly tale? I

would argue that “The Warlock’s Hairy Heart”

has survived intact through the centuries because

it speaks to the dark depths in all of us.

It addresses one of the greatestand least

acknowledgedtemptations of magic: the quest for

invulnerability.

Of coursesuch a quest is nothing more or less

than a foolish fantasy. No man or woman alive

1 According to her own diaryBeatrix Bloxam never recovered from over-

hearing this story being told by her aunt to her older cousins. “Quite by

accidentmy little ear fell against the keyhole. I can only imagine that I

must have been paralysed with horrorfor I inadvertently heard the whole

of the disgusting storynot to mention ghastly details of the dreadfully

unsavoury affair of my uncle Nobbythe local hag and a sack of Bouncing

Bulbs. The shock almost killed me; I was in bed for a weekand so deeply

traumatised was I that I developed the habit of sleepwalking back to the

same keyhole every nightuntil at last my dear papawith only my best

interests at heartput a Sticking Charm on my door at bedtime.”

Apparently Beatrix could find no way to make “The Warlock’s Hairy

Heart” suitable for children’s sensitive earsas she never rewrote it for

The

Toadstool Tales.

Professor Dumbledore’s Notes

57

magical or nothas ever escaped some form of

injurywhether physicalmental or emotional. To

hurt is as human as to breathe. Neverthelesswe

wizards seem particularly prone to the idea that we

can bend the nature of existence to our will. The

young warlock

2 in this storyfor instancedecides

that falling in love would adversely affect his

comfort and security. He sees love as a humilia-

tiona weaknessa drain on a person’s emotional

and material resources.

Of coursethe centuries-old trade in love

potions shows that our fictional wizard is

2 [The term “warlock” is a very old one. Although it is sometimes used as

interchangeable with “wizard”it originally denoted one learned in

duelling and all martial magic. It was also given as a title to wizards who

had performed feats of braveryrather as Muggles were sometimes

knighted for acts of valour. By calling the young wizard in this story a

warlockBeedle indicates that he has already been recognised as especially

skilful at offensive magic. These days wizards use “warlock” in one of two

ways: to describe a wizard of unusually fierce appearanceor as a title

denoting particular skill or achievement. ThusDumbledore himself was

Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. JKR]

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

58

hardly alone in seeking to control the unpre-

dictable course of love. The search for a true

love potion

3 continues to this daybut no such

elixir has yet been createdand leading potioneers

doubt that it is possible.

The hero in this talehoweveris not even inter-

ested in a simulacrum of love that he can create or

destroy at will. He wants to remain for ever

uninfected by what he regards as a kind of sick-

nessand therefore performs a piece of Dark Magic

that would not be possible outside a storybook: he

locks away his own heart.

The resemblance of this action to the creation of

a Horcrux has been noted by many writers.

Although Beedle’s hero is not seeking to avoid

3 Hector Dagworth-Grangerfounder of the Most Extraordinary Society

of Potioneersexplains: “Powerful infatuations can be induced by the

skilful potioneerbut never yet has anyone managed to create the truly

unbreakableeternalunconditional attachment that alone can be called

Love.”

Professor Dumbledore’s Notes

59

deathhe is dividing what was clearly not meant to

be divided – body and heartrather than soul –

and in doing sohe is falling foul of the first of

Adalbert Waffling’s Fundamental Laws of Magic:

Tamper with the deepest mysteries – the source of

lifethe essence of self – only if prepared for conse-

quences of the most extreme and dangerous kind.

And sure enoughin seeking to become super-

human this foolhardy young man renders himself

inhuman. The heart he has locked away slowly

shrivels and grows hairsymbolising his own

descent to beasthood. He is finally reduced to a

violent animal who takes what he wants by force

and he dies in a futile attempt to regain what is

now for ever beyond his reach – a human heart.

Though somewhat datedthe expression

“to have a hairy heart” has passed into everyday

wizarding language to describe a cold or unfeeling

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

60

witch or wizard. My maiden auntHonoriaalways

alleged that she called off her engagement to a

wizard in the Improper Use of Magic Office

because she discovered in time that “he had a hairy

heart”. (It was rumouredhoweverthat she actu-

ally discovered him in the act of fondling some

Horklumps

4 which she found deeply shocking.)

More recentlythe self-help book

The Hairy Heart:

A Guide to Wizards Who Won’t Commit

5

has topped

bestseller lists.

4 Horklumps are pinkbristly mushroom-like creatures. It is very difficult

to see why anyone would want to fondle them. For further information

see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

5 Not to be confused with Hairy SnoutHuman Heart

a heart-rending

account of one man’s struggle with lycanthropy.

63

A long time agoin a far-off landthere lived a

foolish king who decided that he alone should

have the power of magic.

He therefore commanded the head of his army

to form a Brigade of Witch-Huntersand issued

them with a pack of ferocious black hounds. At

the same timethe King caused proclamations to

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

64

be read in every village and town across the land:

“Wanted by the Kingan Instructor in Magic.”

No true witch or wizard dared volunteer for

the postfor they were all in hiding from the

Brigade of Witch-Hunters.

Howevera cunning charlatan with no magical

power saw a chance of enriching himselfand

arrived at the palaceclaiming to be a wizard of

enormous skill. The charlatan performed a few

simple trickswhich convinced the foolish King

of his magical powersand was immediately

appointed Grand Sorcerer in Chiefthe King’s

Private Magic Master.

The charlatan bade the King give him a large

sack of goldso that he might purchase wands

and other magical necessities. He also requested

several large rubiesto be used in the casting of

curative charmsand a silver chalice or twofor

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

65

the storing and maturing of potions. All these

things the foolish King supplied.

The charlatan stowed the treasure safely in his

own house and returned to the palace grounds.

He did not know that he was being watched

by an old woman who lived in a hovel on the

edge of the grounds. Her name was Babbitty

and she was the washerwoman who kept the

palace linens softfragrant and white. Peeping

from behind her drying sheetsBabbitty saw the

charlatan snap two twigs from one of the King’s

trees and disappear into the palace.

The charlatan gave one of the twigs to the

King and assured him that it was a wand of

tremendous power.

“It will only workhowever” said the charla-

tan“when you are worthy of it.”

Every morning the charlatan and the foolish

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

66

King walked out into the palace grounds

where they waved their wands and shouted

nonsense at the sky. The charlatan was careful to

perform more tricksso that the King remained

convinced of his Grand Sorcerer’s skilland

of the power of the wands that had cost so

much gold.

One morningas the charlatan and the foolish

King were twirling their twigsand hopping in

circlesand chanting meaningless rhymesa loud

cackling reached the King’s ears. Babbitty the

washerwoman was watching the King and the

charlatan from the window of her tiny cottage

and was laughing so hard she soon sank out of

sighttoo weak to stand.

“I must look most undignifiedto make the

old washerwoman laugh so!” said the King. He

ceased his hopping and twig twirlingand

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

67

frowned. “I grow weary of practice! When shall

I be ready to perform real spells in front of my

subjectsSorcerer?”

The charlatan tried to soothe his pupil

assuring him that he would soon be capable

of astonishing feats of magicbut Babbitty’s

cackling had stung the foolish King more than

the charlatan knew.

“Tomorrow” said the King“we shall invite our

court to watch their King perform magic!”

The charlatan saw that the time had come to

take his treasure and flee.

“AlasYour Majestyit is impossible! I had

forgotten to tell Your Majesty that I must set

out on a long journey tomorrow –”

“If you leave this palace without my permis-

sionSorcerermy Brigade of Witch-Hunters

will hunt you down with their hounds!

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68

Tomorrow morning you will assist me to

perform magic for the benefit of my lords and

ladiesand if anybody laughs at meI shall have

you beheaded!”

The King stormed back to the palaceleaving

the charlatan alone and afraid. Not all his

cunning could save him nowfor he could not

run awaynor could he help the King with

magic that neither of them knew.

Seeking a vent for his fear and his angerthe

charlatan approached the window of Babbitty

the washerwoman. Peering insidehe saw the

little old lady sitting at her tablepolishing a

wand. In a corner behind herthe King’s sheets

were washing themselves in a wooden tub.

The charlatan understood at once that

Babbitty was a true witchand that she who had

given him his awful problem could also solve it.

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

69

“Crone!” roared the charlatan. “Your cackling

has cost me dear! If you fail to help meI shall

denounce you as a witchand it will be you who

is torn apart by the King’s hounds!”

Old Babbitty smiled at the charlatan and

assured him that she would do everything in her

power to help.

The charlatan instructed her to conceal herself

inside a bush while the King gave his magical

displayand to perform the King’s spells for him

without his knowledge. Babbitty agreed to the

plan but asked one question.

“Whatsirif the King attempts a spell

Babbitty cannot perform?”

The charlatan scoffed.

“Your magic is more than equal to that fool’s

imagination” he assured herand he retired to

the castlewell pleased with his own cleverness.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

70

The following morning all the lords and ladies

of the kingdom assembled in the palace grounds.

The King climbed on to a stage in front of them

with the charlatan by his side.

“I shall firstly make this lady’s hat disappear!”

cried the Kingpointing his twig at a noble-

woman.

From inside a bush nearbyBabbitty pointed

her wand at the hat and caused it to vanish.

Great was the astonishment and admiration

of the crowdand loud their applause for the

jubilant King.

“NextI shall make that horse fly!” cried the

Kingpointing his twig at his own steed.

From inside the bushBabbitty pointed

her wand at the horse and it rose high into

the air.

The crowd was still more thrilled and amazed

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

71

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

72

and they roared their appreciation of their

magical King.

“And now” said the Kinglooking all around

for an idea; and the Captain of his Brigade of

Witch-Hunters ran forwards.

“Your Majesty” said the Captain“this very

morningSabre died of eating a poisonous

toadstool! Bring him back to lifeYour Majesty

with your wand!”

And the Captain heaved on to the stage the

lifeless body of the largest of the witch-hunting

hounds.

The foolish King brandished his twig

and pointed it at the dead dog. But inside the

bushBabbitty smiledand did not trouble

to lift her wandfor no magic can raise the

dead.

When the dog did not stirthe crowd began

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

73

first to whisperand then to laugh. They

suspected that the King’s first two feats had

been mere tricks after all.

“Why doesn’t it work?” the King screamed at

the charlatanwho bethought himself of the

only ruse left to him.

“ThereYour Majestythere!” he shouted

pointing at the bush where Babbitty sat

concealed. “I see her plaina wicked witch who

is blocking your magic with her own evil

spells! Seize hersomebodyseize her!”

Babbitty fled from the bushand the Brigade

of Witch-Hunters set off in pursuitunleashing

their houndswho bayed for Babbitty’s blood.

But as she reached a low hedgethe little witch

vanished from sightand when the Kingthe

charlatan and all the courtiers gained the other

sidethey found the pack of witch-hunting

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

74

hounds barking and scrabbling around a bent

and aged tree.

“She has turned herself into a tree!” screamed

the charlatan anddreading lest Babbitty turn

back into a woman and denounce himhe added

“Cut her downYour Majestythat is the way to

treat evil witches!”

An axe was brought at onceand the old tree

was felled to loud cheers from the courtiers and

the charlatan.

Howeveras they were making ready to return

to the palacethe sound of loud cackling stopped

them in their tracks.

“Fools!” cried Babbitty’s voice from the stump

they had left behind.

“No witch or wizard can be killed by being cut

in half! Take the axeif you do not believe me

and cut the Grand Sorcerer in two!”

Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump

75