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When she told me these things, I thought she was crazy.

I questioned her further about my husband’s father. She thought for a minute andanswered, “Master Lu is generous and compassionate, but he is also smart, which is whyhe is the headman. Everyone respects him. Everyone will respect his son and his wifetoo.” She looked at me with those enetrating eyes of hers and repeated, “You are solucky.” With Snow Flower’s word p

ppictures how could I not imagine myself in Tongkouwith my loving husband and perfect sons?

my knowledge began to extend well beyond my own village. Snow Flower and I had nowgone to the Temple of Gupo in Shexia five times. Each year we climbed the stairs to the第 51 页 共 189 页

temple, placed our offerings on the altar, and lit incense. Then we walked to themarketplace, where we bought embroidery thread and paper. We always ended the day with a visit to Old Man Zou to have his burnt-sugar taro. Going to and fro, we peekedoutside the palanquin when Madame Wang slept. We saw little pathways leading off themain road to other villages. We saw rivers and canals. From our bearers we learned thatthese waters gave our county contact with the rest of the nation. In our upstairs chamber,we saw only four walls, but the men of our county were not so isolated. If they wanted,they could travel almost anywhere by boat.

All during this time, Madame Wang and Madame Gao were in and out of our house like a pair of busy hens. What? Do you think, because our engagements were set, that those two would leave us alone? They had to watch and wait and conspire and cajole, protectingand securing their investments. Anything could go wrong. Obviously they were apprehensive about four marriages in one household and whether Baba would come through with the promised bride-price for Elder Brother’s wife, adequate dowries for thethree girls, and, most important, the matchmaking fees. But in my thirteenth summer, thebattle between the two matchmakers suddenly escalated.

It started simply enough. We were in the upstairs chamber when Madame Gao began complaining that local families were not paying their fees in a timely manner, implyingthat our family was one of them.

“A peasant uprising in the hills is making things difficult for all of us,” Madame Gao opined. “No products come in and no products go out. No one has cash. I have heard thatsome girls have had to give up their betrothals because their families can no longer provide dowries. Those girls will now become little daughters-in-law.”

That things had become so difficult in our county was not news, but what Madame Gao said next surprised us all.

“Even Little Miss Snow Flower is not safe. It’s not too late for me to look for someone more appropriate.”

I was glad that Snow Flower was not here to hear this insinuation. “You are speaking of afamily that is among the best in the county,” Madame Wang countered, her voice sounding not like oil but like rocks rubbing together.

“Perhaps, Old Auntie, you mean was. That master has seen too much gambling and too many concubines.”

“He has done only what is right for his position. You, on the other hand, must be forgiven your ignorance. High station is foreign to you.” “Ha! You make me laugh. You tell lies likethey are truth. The whole county knows what’s happening to that family. Take trouble inthe hills and combine it with bad crops and inattention, and nothing can be expected butthat a weak man will take to the pipe—”

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My mother rose abruptly. “Madame Gao, I am grateful for the things you have done for mychildren, but they are children and should not hear this. I will see you to the threshold, foryou have others to visit, I’m sure.” Mama practically lifted Madame Gao out of her chairand nearly dragged her to the stairs. As soon as they were gone from sight, my auntpoured tea for Madame Wang, who sat very still, deep in thought, her eyes far away. Thenshe blinked three times, looked around the room, and called me to her. I was thirteen andstill afraid of her. I had learned to call her Auntie to her face, but in my mind she wasalways the intimidating Madame Wang. When I neared, she yanked me close, held mebetween her thighs, and grabbed my arms like she did the first time we’d met. “Never,never repeat what you’ve heard here to Snow Flower. She is an innocent girl. She doesnot need that woman’s filth rotting her mind.”

“Madame Gao, I am grateful for the things you have done for mychildren, but they are children and should not hear this. I will see you to the threshold, foryou have others to visit, I’m sure.” Mama practically lifted Madame Gao out of her chairand nearly dragged her to the stairs. As soon as they were gone from sight, my auntpoured tea for Madame Wang, who sat very still, deep in thought, her eyes far away. Thenshe blinked three times, looked around the room, and called me to her. I was thirteen andstill afraid of her. I had learned to call her Auntie to her face, but in my mind she wasalways the intimidating Madame Wang. When I neared, she yanked me close, held mebetween her thighs, and grabbed my arms like she did the first time we’d met. “Never,never repeat what you’ve heard here to Snow Flower. She is an innocent girl. She doesnot need that woman’s filth rotting her mind.”

“Yes, Auntie.”

She shook me once very hard. “Never!”

“I promise.”

At the time I didn’t understand half of what was said. Even if I had, why would I havere eated that evil gossip to Snow Flower? I loved Snow Flower. I would never hurt her byrep

ppeating Madame Gao’s venomous remarks. I will only add this: Mama must have saidsomething to Baba, because Madame Gao was never allowed inside our house again. Allfurther business with her was conducted on stools outside our threshold. That is howmuch Mama and Baba cared for Snow Flower. She was my laotong, but they loved her asmuch as they loved me.

the tenth month of my thirteenth year arrived. Outside the lattice window the white-hotsky of summer eased into the deep blue of autumn. Only one month remained until ElderSister’s wedding. The groom’s family delivered the last round of gifts. Elder Sister’s swornsisters sold one of their twenty-five jin of rice, and gifts were bought. The girls came tostay with us for Sitting and Singing in the Upstairs Chamber. Other village women visitedto socialize, give advice, and commiserate. For twentyeight days, we sang songs and toldstories. The sworn sisters helped Elder Sister with the last of her quilts and withwrapping the shoes she’d made for the members of her new family. Together we allworked on the thirdday wedding books that would be given to Elder Sister. These wouldintroduce her to the women in her new family, and we all struggled with the right wordsto describe her best attributes and characteristics.

Three days before Elder Sister went to her new home, we had the Day of Sorrow andWorry. Mama sat on the fourth step to the upstairs chamber with her feet on the thirdstep and began a lament.

“Elder Daughter, you were a pearl in my hand,” she chanted. “My eyes doubly flood withtears. Twin streams pour down my face. Soon there will be an empty space.”

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Elder Sister, her sworn sisters, and the village women began to weep upon hearing mymother’s sadness. Ku, ku, ku.

Aunt sang next, following the rhythm my mother had set. As always, Aunt tried to beoptimistic in the midst of sorrow. “I am ugly and not so smart, but I have always tried tohave a good nature. I have loved my husband and he has loved me. We are a pair of uglyand not so smart mandarin ducks. We have had much bed fun. I hope you will too.”

When my turn came, I lifted my voice. “Elder Sister, my heart cries to lose you. If we hadbeen sons, we would not be torn apart. We would always be together like Baba and Uncle,Elder Brother and Second Brother. Our family is sad. The upstairs chamber will be lonelywithout you.” Wanting to give her the best gift I could, I sang the knowledge I had learnedfrom Snow Flower. “Everyone needs clothing—no matter how cool it is in summer or how warm it is in winter—so make clothes for others without being asked. Even if thetable is plentiful, let your in-laws eat first. Work hard and remember three things: Be good to your in-laws and always show respect, be good to your husband and always weave for him, be good to your children and always be a model of decorum to them. Ifyou do these things, your new family will treat you kindly. In that fine home, be calm ofheart.”

The sworn sisters followed me. They had loved their sworn sister. She was talented and considerate. When the last girl married out, their treasured sworn sisterhood woulddissolve. They would only have memories of embroidering and weaving together. They would only have the words in their third-day wedding books to console them in the years to come. When one of them died, they vowed that the remaining sisters would come tothe funeral and burn their writings so the words would travel to the afterworld with her.Even as the sisters were filled with anguish at her departure, they hoped she would behappy.

After everyone had sung and many tears had been shed, Snow Flower made a specialpresentation. “I will not sing for you,” she said. “Instead, I will share the way that your sister and I have found to keep you with us always.” From her sleeve, she pulled out our fan, whipped it open, and read the simple couplet we had written together: “Elder Sister and good friend, quiet and kind. You are a happy memory.” Then Snow Flower pointedout the little pink flower that she had painted in our growing garland at the top of the fan to represent Elder Sister forever and ever.

The next day, everyone gathered bamboo leaves and filled buckets with water. When Elder Sister’s new family arrived, we showered them with the leaves as a symbol that thelove of the newlyweds would be as eternally fresh as the bamboo; then we tossed thewater to tell the groom’s family that she was as pure as that clear and vital liquid. Muchlaughing and good cheer accompanied these pranks.

More hours passed with meals and laments. The dowry was displayed and everyone commented on the quality of Elder Sister’s handiwork. All through the day and night, she第 54 页 共 189 页

looked beautiful with her tear-stained eyes. The next morning, she entered the palanquinto go to her new family.

People tossed more water and called out, “Marrying a daughter is just like throwing outwater!” We all walked to the edge of the village and watched as the procession crossedthe bridge and left Puwei. Three days later, a delivery to Elder Sister’s new village wasmade of glutinous rice cakes, gifts, and all our third-day wedding books, which would beread aloud in her new upstairs chamber. The day after that, as custom required, ElderBrother took the family cart, picked up Elder Sister, and brought her home. Except forconjugal visits a few times a year, she would continue to live with us until the end of herfirst pregnancy.

Of all the events of Elder Sister’s marriage, what I remember most is when she returnedafter a nuptial visit to her husband’s home the following spring. She was usually sopeaceful—sitting on her stool in a corner, quietly working with her needle, never causingan argument, always obedient—but now she knelt on the floor with her face buried inMama’s lap, weeping her woes. Her mother-in-law was abusive, always complaining andcriticizing. Her husband was unknowledgeable and rough. Her in-laws expected her tohaul water and wash clothes for the entire family. See how raw her knuckles were fromyesterday’s chores? These people did not like to feed her and talked ill of our family fornot sending enough food for her when she visited.

Beautiful Moon, Snow Flower, and I huddled together, making clucking sounds ofcommiseration, but inside, although we were sorry for Elder Sister, we believed this kindof thing would never happen to us. Mama smoothed Elder Sister’s hair and patted hertrembling form. I expected Mama to tell her not to worry, that these were just temporaryproblems, but no words came. With helplessness in her eyes, Mama looked to Aunt forguidance.

“I am thirty-eight years old,” Aunt said, not with sympathy but with resignation. “I havelived a miserable life. My family was a good one, but my feet and my face made mydestiny. Even a woman like me—who is not so smart or beautiful or is deformed or mute—will find a husband, because even a retarded man can make a son. Only a vessel isneeded. My father married me to the best family he could find to take me. I cried like youdo now. Fate was crueler still. I could not have sons. I was a burden to m in-laws. I wish Icould have a son and a happy life. I wish my daughter would never marry

yy out so that Iwould have her to hear my sorrows. But this is how it is for women. You can’t avoid yourfate. It is predestined.” These sentiments coming from my aunt—the one person in ourhousehold who could always be counted on to say something funny, who always talkedabout how happy she and Uncle were with their bed fun, who always guided us in ourstudies with good cheer—were a shock. Beautiful Moon reached over and squeezed myhand. Her eyes filled with tears at this truth, which had not been spoken aloud in thewomen’s chamber until now. Never before had I thought about how hard life had been forAunt, but now my mind raced over the past years and how she had always put a smiling第 55 页 共 189 页

face on what had clearly been a disappointing life. Needless to say, these words did notcomfort Elder Sister. She sobbed harder, putting her hands over her ears. Mama had tospeak, but when she did the words that came out of her mouth slithered from the deepestpart of the yin—negative, dark, and female.

“You married out,” Mama said, in a way that seemed oddly detached. “You go to another village. Your mother-in-law is cruel. Your husband doesn’t care for you. We wish you would never leave, but every daughter marries away. Everyone agrees. Everyone goes along with it. You can cry and beg to come home, we can grieve that you have gone, butyou—and we—have no choice. The old saying makes this very clear: ‘If a daughter doesn’t marry out, she’s not valuable; if fire doesn’t raze the mountain, the land will notbe fertile.’ ”

Part 2

Hair-Pinning Days

Catching Cool Breezes snow flower and i turned fifteen. our hair was pinned up in thestyle of phoenixes as symbols that we were soon to be married. We worked on our dowries in earnest. We spoke in soft voices. We walked on our lily feet in a gracefulmanner. We were fully literate in nu shu, and when we were apart we wrote each other almost daily. We bled each month. We helped around the house, sweeping, pickingvegetables from the house garden, preparing meals, washing dishes and clothes, weaving,and sewing. We were considered women, but we didn’t have the responsibilities ofmarried women. We still had the freedom to visit when we wanted and spend hours inthe upstairs chamber, our heads bent together as we whispered and embroidered. We loved each other in the way I had longed for as a little girl.