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“Lady Lu is too busy. She has many duties, just as you will one day.” “But I’ll get to meetyour mother, elder sister, and . . . who else will be invited?”

I had expected that Mama and Aunt would be part of Snow Flower’s rituals. She seemedso much a member of our family that I thought she would want them there.

“Auntie Wang will come,” she said.

The matchmaker would probably make several appearances during Snow Flower’s Sittingand Singing, just as she had at mine. For Madame Wang, our marrying out was thecompletion of years of hard work, meaning that her final payments were due. Shewouldn’t miss any occasion where she could show to other women—the mothers ofpotential clients— her splendid results.

“Other than Auntie Wang’s presence, I don’t know what my mother has planned,” Snow Flower continued. “Everything will be a surprise.” We were silent as we each foldedanother quilt. I glanced at her and her features seemed tight. For the first time in many years, my old insecurities bubbled up. Did Snow Flower still feel I was unworthy of her?Was she embarrassed to have the women of Tongkou meet my mother and aunt? Then Iremembered that we were talking about her Sitting and Singing. It should be exactly as Snow Flower’s mother wanted it to be.

I took a strand of Snow Flower’s hair and tucked it behind her ear. “I can’t wait to meetyour family. It’s going to be a happy time.”

She still seemed drawn as she said, “I worry that you’ll be disappointed. I’ve said so muchabout my mama and baba—”

“And Tongkou and your house—”

“How can they be as good as what you’ve imagined?”

I laughed. “You’re silly to worry. Everything I have in my mind comes from your beautifulword pictures.”

three days before my wedding, I began the ceremonies associated with the Day of Sorrow and Worry. Mama sat on the fourth step leading to the upstairs chamber, the women of

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our village came to witness the laments, and everyone went ku, ku, ku, with muchsobbing all around. Once Mama and I finished our crying and singing to each other, Irepeated the process with my father, my uncle and aunt, and my brothers. I may havebeen brave and looking forward to my new life, but my body and soul were weak fromhunger, because a bride is not allowed to eat for the final ten days of her weddingfestivities. Do we follow this custom to make us sadder at leaving our families, to make usmore yielding when we go to our husbands’ homes, or to make us appear more pure toour husbands? How can I know the answer? All I know is that Mama—like most mothers—hid a few hard-boiled eggs for me in the women’s chamber, but these did little to giveme strength, and my emotions weakened with each new event.

The next morning, nervousness jolted me awake, but Snow Flower was right beside me,her soft fingers on my cheek, trying to calm me. I would be presented to my in-laws today,and I was so afraid that I couldn’t have eaten even if I’d been allowed to. Snow Flowerhelped me put on the wedding outfit I had made—a short collarless jacket cinched with abelt over long ants. She slipped the silver bangles my husband’s family had sent onto mywrist, then help

pped me put on their other gifts— the earrings, necklace, and hairpins. Mybracelets jangled together, while the silver charms I’d sewn onto my jacket tinkledharmoniously. On my feet I wore my red wedding shoes and on my head an elaborateheaddress with pearly balls and silver trinkets—all of which quivered when I walked ormoved my head or when my feelings broke through. Red tassels hung down in front of myheaddress, forming a veil. The only way I could see and still maintain proper decorumwas to look straight down.

Snow Flower led me downstairs. Just because I couldn’t see didn’t mean that I didn’t havemany emotions tumbling through my body. I heard my mother’s ragged footsteps, myaunt and uncle speaking to each other in gentle voices, and the scrape of my father’s chairas he rose. Together we walked to Puwei’s ancestral temple, where I thanked myancestors for my life. The whole time, Snow Flower was at my side, guiding me throughthe alleyways, whispering encouragement and reminding me to hurry if I could becausemy in-laws would be arriving soon.

When we got home, Snow Flower and I went back upstairs. To keep me still, she held myhands and tried to describe what my new family was doing.

“Close your eyes and picture this.” She leaned in close, and my tassels fluttered with eachword she spoke. “Master and Lady Lu must be beautifully dressed. They, along with theirfriends and relatives, have departed for Puwei. They are accompanied by a band, whichannounces to everyone along the route that on this day they have possession of theroadway.” She lowered her voice. “And where is the groom? He waits for you in Tongkou.In just two more days you will see him!”

Suddenly we heard music. They were almost here. Snow Flower and I went to the latticewindow. I parted my tassels and looked out. We still couldn’t see the band or the

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procession, but together we watched as an emissary walked down our alleyway, stoppedat our threshold, and presented my father with a letter on red paper declaring that mynew family had come for me.

Then the band turned the corner, followed by a large crowd of strangers. Once theyreached our house, the usual commotion commenced. Down below, people threw waterand bamboo leaves on the band, accompanied by the customary laughter and jokes. I wascalled downstairs. Again, Snow Flower took my hand and guided me. I heard women’svoices sing: “Raising a girl and marrying her off is like building a fancy road for others touse.”

We went outside, and Madame Wang introduced both sets of parents. I had to be at mymost demure at this moment when my in-laws first glimpsed me, so I couldn’t evenwhisper to Snow Flower to describe what they looked like or if she could gauge what theythought of me. Then my parents led the way to the ancestral temple, where my familyhosted the first of many celebratory meals. Snow Flower and other girls from our villagesat around me. Special dishes were brought out. Alcohol was served. Faces turned red. Iwas the subject of much teasing by the men and old women. All through the banquet, Isang laments and the women replied. By now I hadn’t eaten a real meal for seven days,and the smell of all that food made me dizzy.

The next day—the Da of the Big Singing Hall—featured a formal lunch. My handiworkand all of the third-day

yy wedding books were displayed, accompanied by more singing bySnow Flower, the women, and me. Mama and Aunt led me to the center table. As soon as Iwas seated, my mother-in-law set before me a bowl of soup that she’d prepared tosymbolize the kindness of my new family. I would have given anything to have just a fewsips of the broth.

I could not see my mother-in-law’s face through my veil, but when I looked down throughthe tassels and saw golden lilies that seemed as small as my own, I felt a wave of panic.She hadn’t worn the special pair of shoes I’d made for her. I could see why. Theembroidery on these shoes was far better than anything I had done. I was disgraced.Surely my parents were embarrassed and my in-laws disenchanted.

At this terrible moment, Snow Flower came to my side and took my arm again. Customdictated that I leave the party, so she escorted me out of the temple and back home. Shehelped me upstairs, and then lifted off my headdress, removed the rest of my weddingclothes, and buttoned me into a nightdress and my sleeping slippers. I stayed quiet. Theperfection of my mother-in-law’s shoes gnawed at me, but I was afraid to say anything,even to Snow Flower. I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me too.

Very late that night, my family returned home. If I was going to get any advice about bedbusiness, it had to happen now. Mama came into the room and Snow Flower left. Mamalooked worried, and for a second I thought she’d come to tell me that my in-laws wantedto back out of the arrangement. She rested her cane on the bed and sat down beside me.第 74 页 共 189 页

“I have always told you that a true lady lets no ugliness into her life,” she said, “and thatonly through pain will you find beauty.”

I nodded modestly, but inside I was practically screaming in terror. She had used these phrases again and again during my footbinding. Could bed business be that bad?

“I hope you will remember, Lily, that sometimes we can’t avoid ugliness. You have to bebrave. You have promised to be united for life. Be the lady you were meant to be.”

And then she stood up, balanced on her cane, and hobbled out of the room. I was notrelieved by what she had said! My resolve, my adventurousness, and my strength hadcompletely weakened. I truly felt like a bride—afraid, sad, and very scared now to leave my family. When Snow Flower came back in and saw I was white with fear, she took my mother’s spot on the bed and tried to comfort me.

“For ten years you have trained for this moment,” she gently reassured me. “You obey therules set down in The Women’s Classic. You are soft in your words but strong in your heart. You comb your hair in a demure manner. You don’t wear rouge or powder. You know how to spin cotton and wool, weave, sew, and embroider. You know how to cook,clean, wash, keep tea always warm and ready, and light the fire in the hearth. You takegood and proper care of your feet. You remove your old bindings each night before bed.You wash your feet thoroughly and use just the right amount of scent before putting on clean bindings.”

“What about . . . bed business?”

“What about it? Your aunt and uncle have been happy doing this thing. Your mama and baba have done it enough to have many children. It can’t be as hard as embroidery or cleaning.”

I felt a little better, but Snow Flower wasn’t done. She helped me into the bed, curledaround me, and continued praising me.

“You will be a good mother, because you are caring,” she whispered in my ear. “At thesame time, you will be a good teacher. How do I know this? Look at all the things you have taught me.” She paused for a moment, making sure my mind and body had absorbed whatshe’d said, before going on in a much more matter-of-fact manner. “And besides, I saw theway the Lus looked at you yesterday and today.”

I twisted out of her arms and turned to face her. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”

“Remember when Lady Lu brought you the soup?”

Of course I remembered. That was the beginning of what I imagined to be my lifetime ofhumiliation.

“Your whole body trembled,” Snow Flower continued. “How did you do that? The entire

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room noticed. Everyone commented on your fragility combined with restraint. As you satthere with your head tilted down, showing what a perfect maiden you are, Lady Lu lookedover you to her husband. She smiled in approval and he smiled back. You will see. Lady Luis strict, but her heart is kind.”

“But—”

“And the way the whole Lu party examined your feet! Oh, Lily, I’m sure everyone in myvillage is happy to know that one day you will be the new Lady Lu. Now try to sleep. Youhave many long days ahead of ou.” We lay face-to-face. Snow Flower put a hand on mycheek in her usual way. “Close y

yyour e es,” she ordered softly. I did as I was told. the nextday my in-laws arrived in Puwei early

yy enough to pick me up and get me back to Tongkouby late afternoon. When I heard the band on the outskirts of the village, my heart began torace. I couldn’t help it, but tears leaked from my eyes. Mama, Aunt, Elder Sister, and SnowFlower all cried as they led me downstairs. The groom’s emissaries arrived at thethreshold. My brothers helped load my dowry into waiting palanquins. Again I wore myheaddress, so I couldn’t see anyone, but I heard my family’s voices as we went throughthe final traditional calls and responses.

“A woman will never become valuable if she doesn’t leave her village,” Mama cried out.

“Goodbye, Mama,” I chanted back to her. “Thank you for raising a worthless daughter.”

“Goodbye, daughter,” Baba said softly.

With the sound of my father’s voice, my tears came down in twin streams. I clung to therailing leading to the upstairs chamber. Suddenly I didn’t want to go.

“As women, we are born to leave our home villages,” Aunt sang out. “You are like a birdflying into a cloud, never to return.”

“Thank you, Aunt, for making me laugh. Thank you for showing me the true meaning ofsorrow. Thank you for sharing your special talents with me.”

Aunt’s sobs echoed back to me from her dark place. I couldn’t leave her to mourn alone.My tears matched hers.

Looking down, I saw Uncle’s sun-browned hands on mine, pulling my fingers away fromthe railing.

“Your flower-sitting chair waits for you,” he said, his voice breaking with emotion.

“Uncle . . .”

Then I heard the voices of my siblings, each of them wishing me farewell. I wanted to seethem with my eyes instead of being blinded by those red tassels.

“Elder Brother, thank you for the goodness you have shown me,” I chanted. “Second第 76 页 共 189 页

Brother, thank you for letting me care for you when you were a baby in split pants. Elder Sister, thank you for your patience.” Outside, the band played louder. My hands reachedout. Mama and Baba took them and helped me over the threshold. As I stepped over it, my tassels swung momentarily back and forth across my face. In little flashes I saw my palanquin covered in flowers and red silk. My hua jiao— flower-sitting chair—was beautiful.

Everything I had been told since my betrothal was arranged six years ago flooded my mind. I was marrying a tiger, the best match for me, according to our horoscopes. My husband was healthy, smart, and educated. His family was respected, rich, and generous. Ihad glimpsed these things already in the quality and quantity of my bride-price gifts, andnow I saw them again with my flower-sitting chair. I loosened my grip on my parents’ hands and they let go of me.

I took two blind steps forward and stopped. I couldn’t see where I was going. I reachedout my hands, longing for Snow Flower to take them. As she always had, she came to me.With her fingers wrapped around mine, she led me to the palanquin. She opened thedoor. All around me I heard crying. Mama and Aunt sang a sorrowful melody—the usualone to say goodbye to a daughter. Snow Flower leaned in close and whispered so no one could hear.

“Remember, we are old sames forever.” Then she took something from inside her sleeve and tucked it inside my jacket. “I made this for you,” she said. “Read it on your way toTongkou. I will see you there.” I got into the palanquin. The bearers lifted me up and I was on my way. Mama, Aunt, Baba, Snow Flower, and some friends from Puwei followed my escorts and me to the edge of the village, calling out final good wishes. I sat alone in thepalanquin, crying.

Why was I making such a fuss when I would return to my natal home in three days? I can explain it this way: The phrase we use for marrying out is buluo fujia, which means notfalling into your husband’s home immediately. The luo means falling, like the falling ofleaves in autumn or falling in death. And in our local dialect, the word for wife is the same as the word for guest. For the rest of my life I would be merely a guest in my husband’shome—not the kind you treat with special meals, gifts of affection, or soft beds, but thekind who is forever viewed as a foreigner, alien and suspect.