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emotional distance from my mother—though on most days we were in the same room—by acting as though I’d matured into a woman and no longer needed tenderness. This wasthe first time I would do this—properly follow customs and rules on the outside, let loosemy emotions for a few terrible moments, and then quietly hang on to my grievance likean octopus to a rock—and it worked for everyone. My family accepted my behavior, and Istill looked like a filial daughter. Later I would do something like this again, for verydifferent reasons and with disastrous results. snow f lower was dearer to me than ever.We wrote each other often, and Madame Wang delivered our letters. I worried about hercircumstances— if her mother-in-law was treating her well, how she tolerated bedbusiness, and whether things had worsened in her natal home—and she fretted that I nolonger cared for her in the same way. We wanted to see each other, but we didn’t have theexcuse of visiting to work on our dowries, and the only trips we were allowed to takewere to our husbands’ homes for conjugal visits.

I went to my husband four or five nights a year. Every time I left, the women in my natalhousehold cried for me. Every time I carried my own food, since my in-laws would notprovide my meals until I fell permanently into their home. Every time I stayed inTongkou, I was encouraged by how I was treated. Ever time I returned home, myfamily’s emotions were bittersweet, for each night away

yy from them made me seem moreprecious and made the fact that I would soon leave forever a reality. With each trip, Ibecame more emboldened, looking out the palanquin window until I knew the route well.I traveled over what was usuall a muddy and rutted track. Rice fields and the occasionaltaro crop bordered the roadway

yy. On the outskirts of Tongkou, a pine tree twisted over theroad in greeting. Farther along on the left lay the village’s fishpond. Behind me, backwhere I had come from, the Xiao River meandered. Ahead of me, just as Snow Flower haddescribed, Tongkou nestled in the arms of the hills.

Once the bearers set me down before Tongkou’s main gate, I stepped out ontocobblestones that had been laid in an intricate fish-scale pattern. This area was shapedlike a horse’s hoof, with the village’s rice husking room on the right and a stable on theleft. The gate’s illars—decorated with painted carvings—held up an elaborate roof witheaves that swep

ppt up to the sky. The walls were painted with scenes from the lives of theimmortals. The threshold through the front gate was high, letting all visitors know thatTongkou had the highest status in the county. A pair of onyx stones carved with leapingfish flanked the gate for visitors on horseback to dismount.

Just over the threshold lay Tongkou’s main courtyard, which was not only welcoming andlarge but covered with a carved and painted eightsided dome that was feng shui perfect.If I went through the secondary gate to my right, I came to Tongkou’s main hall, whichwas used for greeting common visitors and small gatherings. Beyond this lay theancestral temple, which was for hosting emissaries and government officials and forfestive occasions such as weddings. The village’s lesser houses, some of which were builtof wood, clustered together just past the temple.

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My in-laws’ home sat prominently on the other side of the secondary gate to my left. Allthe houses in this area were grand, but my in-laws’ was particularly beautiful. Even today,I am happy to live here. The house has the usual two stories. It is built of brick and plastered on the exterior. Up under the exterior eaves are painted tableaus of lovelymaidens and handsome men, studying, playing instruments, doing calligraphy, going over the accounts. These are the kinds of things that have always been done in this house, so those pictures send a message to passersby about the quality of the people who live here and the ways in which we spend our time. The interior walls are paneled in the finewoods of our hills, while the rooms are highly ornamented with carved columns, lattice windows, and balustrades.

When I first arrived, the main room was much as it is now—with ele-gant furniture, awood floor, a good breeze from the high windows, and stairs that climbed along the eastwall to a wooden balcony embellished with an overlapping diamond pattern. Back then, my in-laws slept in the largest room at the back of the house on the ground floor. Each ofmy brothers-in-law had his own room that sat on the perimeter of the main room. After a time, wives came to live with them. If they didn’t give birth to sons, those wives were eventually moved to other quarters and concubines or little daughters-in-law took theirplaces in my brothers-in-law’s beds.

During my visits, nighttime was devoted to bed business with my husband. We needed tomake a son, and we both tried very hard to do what was necessary for that to happen.Other than that, my husband and I didn’t see each other much—he spent his days with hisfather, while I spent mine with his mother—but over time we got to know each other better, which made our evening task more bearable.

As in most marriages, the most important person for me to build a relationship with was my mother-in-law. Everything Snow Flower had told me about Lady Lu following theusual conventions was true. She watched over me as I did the same chores that I did inmy natal home—making tea and breakfast, washing clothes and bedding, preparinglunch, sewing, embroidering, and weaving in the afternoon, and finally cooking dinner.My mother-in-law ordered me about freely. “Dice the melon into smaller cubes,” shemight say, as I made winter melon soup. “The pieces you have cut are fit only for our pigs.” Or “My monthly bleeding escaped onto my bedding. You must scrub hard to get outthe stains.” As for the food I brought from home, she would sniff and say, “Next time bringsomething less smelly. The odors of your meal ruin the appetites of my husband andsons.” As soon as the visit was over, I was sent back home with no thankyou or goodbye.

That about sums up how things were for me—not too bad, not too good, just the usualway. Lady Lu was fair; I was obedient and willing to learn. In other words, we eachunderstood what was expected of us and did our best to fulfill our obligations. So, for example, on the second day of the first New Year after my wedding, my mother-in-law invited all of Tongkou’s unmarried girls and all of the girls who, like me, had recentlymarried into the village to pay a visit. She provided tea and treats. She was polite and第 100 页 共 189 页

gracious. When everyone left, we went with them. We visited five households that day,and I met five new daughters-in-law. If I hadn’t already been Snow Flower’s laotong, Imight have searched their faces, looking for those who might want to form a post-marriage sworn sisterhood. the first time Snow Flower and I met again was for our annual visit to the Temple of Gupo. You would think we would have had much to say, butwe were both subdued. I believed her to be remorseful—about having lied to me all those years and about her low marriage. But I too felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how todiscuss my feelings about my mother without reminding Snow Flower of her own deceit.If these secrets weren’t enough to stifle conversation, we now had husbands and didthings with them that were very embarrassing. It was bad enough when our fathers-inlaw

listened at the door or our mothers-in-law checked the bedding in the morning. Still,Snow Flower and I had to discuss something, and it felt safer to talk about our duty to getpregnant than to delve into those other thorny subjects.

We spoke delicately about the essential elements that must be in place for a baby to takehold and whether or not our husbands obeyed these rituals. Everyone knows that thehuman body is a miniature version of the universe—the eyes and ears are the sun andmoon, breath is air, blood is rain. Conversely, those elements play important roles in thedevelopment of a baby. Since this is so, bed business shouldn’t take place when rain pours off the roof, because it will cause a baby to feel trapped and confined. It shouldn’t takeplace during thunderstorms, which will cause a baby to develop feelings of destruction and fear. And it shouldn’t take place when the husband or wife is distressed, which willcause those dark spirits to carry over to the next generation.

“I have heard that you should not do bed business after too much hard work,” Snow Flower told me, “but I don’t believe that my mother-in-law has heard that.” She lookedexhausted. I felt the same way after visiting my husband’s home—from the nonstop labor,from being polite, and from always being watched.

“This is the one rule my mother-in-law doesn’t respect either,” I commiserated. “Haven’tthey heard an exhausted well yields no water?”

We shook our heads at the nature of mothers-in-law, but we also worried that if we didbecome pregnant we might not have healthy or intelligent sons.

“Aunt told me the best time to get pregnant,” I said. Although all her babies had diedexcept for Beautiful Moon, we still trusted Aunt’s expertise in this regard. “There can beno unpleasantness in your life.” “I know.” Snow Flower sighed. “When water is still, thefish breathes with ease; when wind is gone, the tree stands firm,” she recited. “We eachneed a quiet night when the moon is full and bright, which suggests both the roundness ofa pregnant belly and the purity of the mother.”

“And when the sky is clear,” Snow Flower added, “which tells us that the universe is calmand ready.”

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“And we and our husbands are happy, which will let the arrow fly to its target. Underthese circumstances, Aunt says, even the most deadly of insects will come out to mate.”

“I know what needs to occur”—Snow Flower sighed again—“but these things are hard toalign at one time.”

“But we must try.”

And so, on our first visit to the Temple of Gupo after our marriages, Snow Flower and Imade offerings and prayed that these things would come to pass. However, despitefollowing the rules, we didn’t become pregnant. You think it’s easy to get pregnant afterdoing bed business only a handful of times a year? Sometimes my husband was so eagerthat his essence did not go inside.

During our second visit to the temple after becoming wives, our prayers were deeper andour offerings greater. Then, as was our custom, Snow Flower and I visited the taro manfor our special chicken lunch followed by our favorite dessert. As much as we both lovedthat dish, neither of us ate with enjoyment. We compared notes and tried to come up withnew tactics to become pregnant.

Over the following months, I did my best to please my mother-in-law when I visited theLu household. In my natal home, I tried to be as congenial as possible. But no matterwhere I was, people were beginning to give me looks that I read as admonishments formy lack of fertility. Then, a couple of months later, Madame Wa delivered a letter fromSnow Flower. I waited until the matchmaker left before unfolding

ngng the paper. In nu shu,Snow Flower had written: I am pregnant. I am sick to my stomach every day. My mothertells me this means the baby is happy in my body. I hope it is a boy. I want this to happento you.

I couldn’t believe that Snow Flower had beaten me. I was the one with the higher status. Ishould have gotten pregnant first. So deep was my humiliation that I didn’t tell Mama orAunt the good news. I knew how they would react. Mama would criticize me, while Auntwould be too joyous on Snow Flower’s behalf.

The next time I visited my husband and we did bed business, I wrapped my legs aroundhis and held him on top of me with my arms until he was done. I held him for so long thathe fell asleep limp inside of me. I lay awake for a long time, breathing calmly, thinking ofthe full moon outside and listening for any rustling in the bamboo beside our window. Inthe morning, he had rolled away from me and was sleeping on his side. By now I knewwhat had to be done. I reached under the quilt and placed my hand around his memberuntil it was hard. When I was certain he was about to open his eyes, I withdrew my handand closed my own eyes. I let him do his business again, and when he rose and dressed tobegin his day I stayed very still. We heard his mother in the kitchen, beginning the tasksthat I should have done already. My husband looked at me once, sending a loud message:If I didn’t get up soon and begin my chores, there would be serious consequences. He第 102 页 共 189 页

didn’t ell at me or hit me as some husbands might, but he left the room without sayinggoodby

yye. I heard the low murmurs of his and his mother’s voices a few moments later. Noone came for me. When I finally rose, dressed, and went into the kitchen, my mother-inlaw

smiled happily, while Yonggang and the other girls exchanged knowing glances.

Two weeks later, back in my own bed in my natal home, I woke up feeling as though foxspirits were shaking the house. I made it to the halffilled chamber pot and threw up. Auntcame into the room, knelt down beside me, and wiped away the dampness on my facewith the back of her hand. “Now you really will be leaving us,” she said, and for the firsttime in a very long while the great cave of her mouth spread into a wide grin. Thatafternoon I sat down with my ink and brush and composed a letter to Snow Flower.“When we see each other this year at the Temple of Gupo,” I wrote, “we will both be asround as the moon.”

mama, as you can imagine, was as strict with me during those months as she had beenduring my footbinding. It was her way, I think, to consider only the bad things that couldhappen. “Don’t climb hills,” she chastised me, as though I had ever been allowed to dothat. “Don’t cross a narrow bridge, stand on one foot, watch an eclipse, or bathe in hotwater.” I was never in danger of doing any of those things, but the food restrictions werea different matter. In our county we are proud of our spicy food, but I was not permittedto eat anything seasoned with garlic, chilies, or pepper, which could delay the delivery ofmy placenta. I was not allowed to eat any part of a lamb, which could cause my baby to beborn sickly, or eat fish with scales, since this would cause a difficult labor. I was deniedanything too salty, too bitter, too sweet, too sour, or too pungent, so I couldn’t eatfermented black beans, bitter melon, almond curd, hot and sour soup, or anythingremotely flavored. I was permitted bland soups, sautéed vegetables with rice, and tea. Iaccepted these limitations, knowing that my worth was based entirely on the childgrowing inside of me.

My husband and in-laws were delighted, of course, and they began to prepare for myarrival. My baby was due at the end of the seventh lunar month. I would visit the annualfestival at the Temple of Gupo to pray for a son and then travel on to Tongkou. My in-lawsagreed to this pilgrimage— they would do everything they could to ensure a male heir— on condition that I spend the night at an inn and not overtax myself. My husband’s familysent a palanquin to pick me up. I stood outside my family’s threshold and acceptedeveryone’s tears and embraces; then I got in the palanquin and was carried away,knowing I would return again and again in coming years for the Catching Cool Breezes,Ghost, Birds, and Tasting festivals, as well as any celebrations that might happen in mynatal family. This was not a final goodbye, just a temporary farewell, as it had been forElder Sister.