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I was told to stand in front of Madame Wang. I thought her woven silk jacket was beautiful, but a child has no taste, no discrimination. Today I would say it was gaudy andunbefitting a widow, but then a matchmaker is not like a regular woman. She does business with men, establishing bride prices, haggling over dowries, and serving as a go-between. Madame Wang’s laugh was too loud and her words too oily. She ordered me forward, clasped me between her knees, and stared hard into my face. In that moment Ichanged from being invisible to being very visible.

Madame Wang was far more thorough than the diviner. She pinched my earlobes. She puther forefingers on my lower eyelids and pulled the skin down, then ordered me to lookup, down, left, right. She held my cheeks in her hands, turning my face back and forth. Her hands squeezed my arms in rough pulses from my shoulders down to my wrists. Then she put her hands on my hips. I was only six! You can’t tell anything about fertility yet!But she did it just the same, and no one said a word to stop her. Then she did the mostamazing thing. She got out of her chair and told me to take her place. To do this wouldhave shown terribly bad manners on my part. I looked from my mother to my father for guidance, but they stood there as dumb as stock animals. My father’s face had gone gray. Icould almost hear him thinking, Why didn’t we just throw her in the stream when she

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Madame Wang had not become the most important matchmaker in the county by waitingfor sheep to make decisions. She simply picked me up and sat me on the chair. Then sheknelt before me and peeled off my shoes and socks. Again, utter silence. Like she had withm face, she turned my feet this way and that and then ran her thumbnail up and downmy

yy arch. Madame Wang looked over at the diviner and nodded. She stood again and withan abrupt movement of her forefinger motioned me out of her chair. After she had onceagain taken her seat, the diviner cleared his throat.

“Your daughter presents us with a special circumstance,” he said. “I saw something in heryesterday, and Madame Wang, who brings additional expertise, agrees. Your daughter’sface is long and slender like a rice seed. Her full earlobes tell us she is generous in spirit.But most important are her feet. Her arch is very high but not yet fully developed. Thismeans, Mother, that you should wait one more year to begin footbinding.” He held up ahand to prevent anyone from interrupting him, as if they would. “Seven is not the customin our village, I know, but I think if you look at your daughter you will see that . . .”

Diviner Hu hesitated. Grandmother pushed a bowl of tangerines in his direction, so hemight have a way to gather his thoughts. He took one, peeled it, and dropped the rind onthe floor. With one section poised before his mouth, he resumed.

“At age six, bones are still mostly water and therefore malleable. But your daughter isunderdeveloped for her age, even for your village, which has endured difficult years.Perhaps the other girls in this household are, as well. You should not be ashamed.”

Until this time I had not thought there was anything different about my family, nor had Iconsidered that there was anything different about me.

He popped the wedge of tangerine into his mouth, chewed thoughtfully, and went on.“But your daughter has something besides smallness from famine. Her foot has aparticularly high arch, which means that if the proper allowances are made now, her feetcould be the most perfect produced in our county.”

Some people don’t believe in diviners. Some people think they make only commonsenserecommendations. After all, autumn is the best time for footbinding, spring is the besttime to give birth, and a pretty hill with a gentle breeze will have the best feng shui for aburial spot. But this diviner saw something in me, and it changed the course of my life.Still, at that moment there was no celebration. The room was eerily quiet. Somethingcontinued to be terribly amiss.

Into this silence, Madame Wang spoke. “The girl is indeed very lovely, but golden lilies arefar more important in life than a pretty face. A lovely face is a gift from Heaven, but tinyfeet can improve social standing. On this we can all agree. What happens beyond that isreally for Father to decide.” She looked directly at Baba, but the words that traveled intothe air were meant for my mother. “It is not such a bad thing to make a good alliance for adaughter. A high family will bring you better connections, a better bride-price, and long第

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term political and economic protection.ic protection.

Though I appreciate the hospitality and generosity that you have shown today,” she said,emphasizing the meagerness of our home with a languid movement of her hand, “fate—in the form of your daughter—has brought you an opportunity. If Mother does her jobproperly, this insignificant girl could marry into a family in Tongkou.”

Tongkou!

“You speak of wonderful things,” my father ventured warily. “But our family is modest.We cannot afford your fee.”

“Old Father,” Madame Wang responded smoothly, “if your daughter’s feet end up as Iimagine, I can rely on a generous fee being paid by the groom’s family. You will also bereceiving goods from them in the form of a bride-price. As you can see, you and I will bothbenefit from this arrangement.”

My father said nothing. He never discussed what happened on the land or ever let us know his feelings, but I remembered one winter after a year of drought when we didn’thave much food stored. My father went into the mountains to hunt, but even the animalshad died from hunger. Baba could do nothing but come home with bitter roots, which my mother and grandmother stewed into broth. Perhaps in this moment he was remembering the shame of that year and conjuring in his mind how fine my bride-price might be and what it would do for our family.

“Beyond all of this,” the matchmaker went on, “I believe your daughter might also beeligible for a laotong relationship.”

I knew the words and what they meant. A laotong relationship was completely differentfrom a sworn sisterhood. It involved two girls from different villages and lasted theirentire lives, while a sworn sisterhood was made up of several girls and dissolved atmarriage. Never in my short life had I met a laotong or considered that I might have one.As girls, my mother and aunt had sworn sisters in their home villages. Elder Sister now had sworn sisters, while grandmother had widow friends from her husband’s village as late-life sworn sisters. I had assumed that in the normal course of my life I would have them as well. To have a laotong was very special indeed. I should have been excited, butlike everyone else in the room I was aghast. This was not a subject that should bediscussed in front of men. So extraordinary was the situation that my father lost himselfand blurted out, “None of the women in our family has ever had a laotong.”

“Your family has not had a lot of things—until now,” Madame Wang said, as she rose outof her chair. “Discuss these matters within your household, but remember, opportunitydoesn’t step over your threshold every day. I will visit again.”

The matchmaker and the diviner left, both with promises that they would return to checkmy progress. My mother and I went upstairs. As soon as we entered the women’s room,第 13 页 共 189 页

she turned and looked at me with that same expression I had just seen in the main room.Then, before I could say anything, she slapped me across the face as hard as she could.“Do you know how much trouble this will bring your father?” Mama asked. Harsh words,but I knew that slap was for good luck and to scare away bad spirits. After all, nothingguaranteed that my feet would turn out like golden lilies. It was equally possible that mymother would make a mistake with my feet as her mother had made with hers. She haddone a fairly good job with Elder Sister, but anything could happen. Instead of beingprized, I could totter about on ugly stumps, my arms constantly flapping to keep mybalance, just like my mother.

Although my face stung, inside I was happy. That slap was the first time Mama had shownme her mother love, and I had to bite my lips to keep from smiling.

Mama did not speak to me for the rest of the day. Instead, she went back downstairs andtalked with my aunt, uncle, father, and grandmother. Uncle was kindhearted, but as thesecond son he had no authority in our home. Aunt knew the benefits that might arise outof this situation, but as a sonless woman married to a second son, she had the lowest rankin the family.

Mama also had no position, but having seen the look on her face when the matchmakerwas talking, I knew what her thoughts would be. Father and Grandmother made alldecisions in the household, though both could be influenced. The matchmaker’sannouncement, although a good omen for me, meant that my father would have to workvery hard to build a dowry appropriate for a higher marriage. If he didn’t comply with thematchmaker’s decision, he would lose face not only in the village but also in the county.

I don’t know if they agreed on my fate on that day, but in my mind nothing was ever thesame. Beautiful Moon’s future also changed with mine. I was a few months older, but itwas decided that the two of us should have our feet bound at the same time as ThirdSister’s. Although I still continued to do my outdoor chores, I never again went to theriver with m brother. I never again felt the coolness of rushing water against my skin.Until that day

yy Mama had never hit me, but it turned out that this was just the first of whatwould become many beatings over the next few years. Worst of all, my father never againlooked at me the same way. No more sitting on his lap in the evenings when he smokedhis pipe. In one instant I had changed from being a worthless girl into someone whomight be useful to the family.

My bindings and the special shoes my mother had made to place on the altar of Guanyinwere put away, as were the bindings and shoes that had been made for Beautiful Moon.Madame Wang started to make periodic visits. Always she came in her own palanquin.Always she inspected me from head to toe. Always she questioned me about my houselearning. I would not say she was kind to me in any way. I was only a means to make aprofit. during the next year, my education in the upstairs women’s chamber began inearnest, but I already knew a lot. I knew that men rarely entered the women’s chamber; it

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was for us alone, where we could do our work and share our thoughts. I knew I wouldspend almost my entire life in a room like that. I also knew the difference between nei— the inner realm of the home—and wai—the outer realm of men—lay at the very heart ofConfucian society. Whether you are rich or poor, emperor or slave, the domestic sphere isfor women and the outside sphere is for men. Women should not pass beyond the inner chambers in their thoughts or in their actions. I also understood that two Confucian idealsruled our lives. The first was the Three Obediences: “When a girl, obey your father; when a wife, obey your husband; when a widow, obey your son.” The second was the Four Virtues, which delineate women’s behavior, speech, carriage, and occupation: “Be chasteand yielding, calm and upright in attitude; be quiet and agreeable in words; be restrainedand exquisite in movement; be perfect in handiwork and embroidery.” If girls do not stray from these principles, they will grow into virtuous women.

My studies now branched out to include the practical arts. I learned how to thread aneedle, choose a thread color, and make my stitches small and even. This was important,as Beautiful Moon, Third Sister, and I began working on the shoes that would carry us through the two-year footbinding process. We needed shoes for day, special slippers for sleep, and several pairs of tight socks. We worked chronologically, starting with things that would fit our feet now and moving to smaller and smaller sizes.

Most important, my aunt began to teach me nu shu. At the time, I didn’t fully understand why she took a special interest in me. I foolishly believed that if I was diligent, I wouldinspire Beautiful Moon to be diligent too. And if she was diligent, perhaps she wouldmarry better than her mother had. But my aunt was actually hoping to bring the secretwriting into our lives so that Beautiful Moon and I could share it forever. I also did notperceive that this caused conflict between my aunt and my mother and grandmother,both of whom were illiterate in nu shu just as my father and uncle were illiterate in men’s writing.

Back then I had yet to see men’s writing, so I had nothing to compare it with. But now Ican say that men’s writing is bold, with each character easily contained within a square,while our nu shu looks like mosquito legs or bird prints in dust. Unlike men’s writing, anu shu character does not represent a specific word. Rather, our characters are phoneticin nature. As a result, one character can represent every spoken word with that same sound. So while a character might make a sound that creates the words for “pare,” “pair,” or “pear,” context usually makes the meaning clear. Still, much care has to be taken tomake sure we do not misinterpret meaning. Many women—like my mother andgrandmother—never learn the writing, but they still know some of the songs and stories,many of which resonate with a ta dum, ta dum, ta dum rhythm.

Aunt instructed me on the special rules that govern nu shu. It can be used to write letters,songs, autobiographies, lessons on womanly duties, prayers to the goddess, and, ofcourse, popular stories. It can be written with brush and ink on paper or on a fan; it can be embroidered onto a handkerchief or woven into cloth. It can and should be sung第 15 页 共 189 页

before an audience of other women and girls, but it can also be something that is read and treasured alone. But the two most important rules are these: Men must never know thatit exists, and men must not touch it in any form. things continued this way—withBeautiful Moon and me learning new skills every day—until my seventh birthday, when the diviner returned. This time he had to find a single date for three girls—BeautifulMoon, myself, and Third Sister, the only one of us to be the proper age— to begin our binding. He hemmed and hawed. He consulted our eight characters. But when all was saidand done, he settled on the typical day for girls in our region—the twenty-fourth day ofthe eighth lunar month—when those who are to have their feet bound say prayers and make final offerings to the Tiny-Footed Maiden, the goddess who oversees footbinding.

Mama and Aunt resumed their pre-binding activities, making more bandages. They fed us red-bean dumplings, to help soften our bones to the consistency of a dumpling andinspire us to achieve a size for our feet that would be no larger than a dumpling. In thedays leading up to our binding, many women in our village came to visit us in the upstairs chamber. Elder Sister’s sworn sisters wished us luck, brought us more sweets, andcongratulated us on our official entry into womanhood. Sounds of celebration filled our room. Everyone was happy, singing, laughing, talking. Now I know there were many things no one said. (No one said I could die. It wasn’t until I moved to my husband’s home that my motherin-law told me that one out of ten girls died from footbinding, not only inour county but across the whole of China.)