carried by the radiations. He was told not to find out what the lumps were. He was
advised to be content with knowing that they could work miracles for him, provided he
did not insist on learning their nature. That was all right with Billy Pilgrim. He was
grateful. He was glad.
Billy dozed, awakened in the prison hospital again. The sun was high. Outside were
Golgotha sounds of strong men digging holes for upright timbers in hard, hard ground.
Englishmen were building themselves a new latrine. They had abandoned their old latrine
to the American d their theater the place where the feast had been held, too.
Six Englishmen staggered through a hospital with a pool table on which several
mattresses were piled. They were transferring it to living quarters attached to the hospital.
They were followed by an Englishman dragging his mattress and carrying a dartboard.
The man with the dartboard was the Blue Fairy Godmother who had injured little Paul
Lazzaro. He stopped by Lazzaro's bed, asked Lazzaro how he was.
Lazzaro told him he was going to have him killed after the war.
'Oh? '
'You made a big mistake,' said Lazzaro. 'Anybody touches me, he better kill me, or I'm
gonna have him killed.'
The Blue Fairy Godmother knew something about killing. He gave Lazzaro a careful
smile. 'There is still time for me to kill you,' he said, 'if you really persuade me that it's
the sensible thing to do.'
'Why don't you go fuck yourself?'
'Don't think I haven't tried,' the Blue Fairy Godmother answered.
The Blue Fairy Godmother left, amused and patronizing. When he was gone, Lazzaro
promised Billy and poor old Edgar Derby that he was going to have revenge, and that
revenge was sweet.
'It's the sweetest thing there is,' said Lazzaro. 'People fuck with me,' he said, 'and Jesus
Christ are they ever fucking sorry. I laugh like hell. I don't care if it's a guy or a dame. If
the President of the United States fucked around with me, I'd fix him good. You should
have seen what I did to a dog one time.'
'A dog?' said Billy.
'Son of a bitch bit me. So 1 got me some steak, and I got me the spring out of a clock. I
cut that spring up in little pieces. I put points on the ends of the pieces. They were sharp
as razor blades. I stuck 'em into the steak-way inside. And I went past where they had the
dog tied up. He wanted to bite me again. I said to him, 'Come on., doggie-let's be friends.
Let's not be enemies any more. I'm not mad." He believed me.'
'He did?'
'I threw him the steak. He swallowed it down in one big gulp. I waited around for ten
minutes.' Now Lazzaro's eyes twinkled. 'Blood started coming out of his mouth. He
started crying, and he rolled on the ground, as though the knives were on the outside of
him instead of on the inside of him. Then he tried to bite out his own insides. I laughed,
and I said to him, "You got the right idea now. Tear your own guts out, boy. That's me in
there with all those knives."' So it goes.
'Anybody ever asks you what the sweetest thing in life is-' said Lazzaro, 'it's revenge.'
When Dresden was destroyed later on, incidentally, Lazzaro did not exult. He didn't
have anything against the Germans, he said. Also, he said he liked to take his enemies
one at a time. He was proud of never having hurt an innocent bystander. 'Nobody ever
got it from Lazzaro,' he said, 'who didn't have it coming.'
Poor old Edgar Derby, the high school teacher, got into the conversation now. He
asked Lazzaro if he planned to feed the Blue Fairy Godmother clock springs and steak.
'Shit,' said Lazzaro.
'He's a pretty big man,' said Derby, who, of course, was a pretty big man himself.
'Size don't mean a thing.'
'You're going to shoot him?'
'I'm gonna have him shot,' said Lazzaro. 'He'll get home after the war. He'll be a big
hero. The dames'll be climbing all over him. He'll settle down. A couple of years'll go by.
And then one day there'll be a knock on his door. He'll answer the door, and there'll be a
stranger out there. The stranger'll ask him if he's so-and-so. When he says he is, the
stranger'll say, "Paul Lazzaro sent me." And he'll pull out a gun and shoot his pecker off.
The stranger'll let him think a couple of seconds about who Paul Lazzaro is and what
life's gonna be like without a pecker. Then he'll shoot him once in the guts and walk
away.' So it goes.
Lazzaro said that he could have anybody in the world killed for a thousand dollars plus
traveling expenses. He had a list in his head, he said.
Derby asked him who all was on the list, and Lazzaro said, 'Just make fucking sure you
don't get on it. just don't cross me, that's all.' There was a silence, and then he added, 'And
don't cross my friends.'
'You have friends?' Derby wanted to know.
'In the war?' said Lazzaro. 'Yeah-I had a friend in the war. He's dead.' So it goes.
'That's too bad.'
Lazzaro's eyes were twinkling again. 'Yeah. He was my buddy on the boxcar. His
name was Roland Weary. He died in my arms.' Now he pointed to Billy with his one
mobile hand. 'He died on account of this silly cocksucker here. So I promised him
I'd have this silly cocksucker shot after the war.'
Lazzaro erased with his hand anything Billy Pilgrim might be about to say. 'Just forget
about it, kid,' he said. 'Enjoy life while you can. Nothing's gonna happen for maybe five,
ten, fifteen, twenty years. But lemme give you a piece of advice: Whenever the doorbell
rings, have somebody else answer the door.'
Billy Pilgrim says now that this really is the way he is going to die, too. As a timetraveler,
he has seen his own death many times, has described it to a tape recorder. The
tape is locked up with his will and some other valuables in his safe-deposit box at the
Ilium Merchants National Bank and Trust, he says.
I, Billy Pilgrim, the tape begins, will die, have died and always will die on February
thirteenth, 1976.
At the time of his death, he says, he is in Chicago to address a large crowd on the
subject of flying saucers and the true nature of time. His home is still in Ilium. He has had
to cross three international boundaries in order to reach Chicago. The United States of
America has been Balkanized, has been divided into twenty petty nations so that it will
never again be a threat to world peace. Chicago has been hydrogen-bombed by Angry
Chinamen. So it goes. It is all brand new.
Billy is speaking before a capacity audience in a baseball park, which is covered by a
geodesic dome. The flag of the country is behind him. It is a Hereford Bull on a field of
green. Billy predicts his own death within an hour. He laughed about it, invites the crowd
to laugh with him. 'It is high time I was dead..' he says. 'Many years ago.' he said, 'a
certain man promised to have me killed. He is an old man now, living not far from here.
He has read all the publicity associated with my appearance in your fair city. He is
insane. Tonight he will keep his promise.'
There are protests from the crowd.
Billy Pilgrim rebukes them. 'If you protest, if you think that death is a terrible thing,
then you have not understood a word I've said.' Now he closes his speech as he closes
every speech with these words: 'Farewell, hello, farewell, hello.'
There are police around him as he leaves the stage. They are there to protect him from
the crush of popularity. No threats on his life have been made since 1945. The police
offer to stay with him. They are floridly willing to stand in a circle around him all night,
with their zap guns drawn.
'No, no,' says Billy serenely. 'It is time for you to go home to your wives and children,
and it is time for me to be dead for a little while-and then live again.' At that moment,
Billy's high forehead is in the cross hairs of a high-powered laser gun. It is aimed at him
from the darkened press box. In the next moment, Billy Pilgrim is dead. So it goes.
So Billy experiences death for a while. It is simply violet light and a hum. There isn't
anybody else there. Not even Billy Pilgrim is there.
Then he swings back into life again, all the way back to an hour after his life was
threatened by Lazzaro-in 1945. He has been told to get out of his hospital bed and dress,
that he is well. He and Lazzaro and poor old Edgar Derby are to join their fellows in the
theater. There they will choose a leader for themselves by secret ballot in a free election.
Billy and Lazzaro and poor old Edgar Derby crossed the prison yard to the theater
now. Billy was carrying his little coat as though it were a lady's muff. It was wrapped
around and round his hands. He was the central clown in an unconscious travesty of that
famous oil painting, 'The Spirit of '76.'
Edgar Derby was writing letters home in his head, telling his Wife that he was alive
and well, that she shouldn't worry, that the war was. nearly over, that he would soon be
home.
Lazzaro was talking to himself about people he was going to have killed after the war,
and rackets he was going to work, and women he was going to make fuck Mm, whether
they wanted to or not. If he had been a dog in a city, a policeman would have shot him
and sent his head to a laboratory, to see if he had rabies. So it goes.
As they neared the theater, they came upon an Englishman who was hacking a groove
in the Earth with the heel of his boot. He was marking the boundary between the
American and English sections of the compound. Billy and Lazzaro and Derby didn't
have to ask what the line meant. It was a familiar symbol from childhood.
The theater was paved with American bodies that nestled like spoons. Most of the
Americans were in stupors or asleep. Their guts were fluttering, dry.
'Close the fucking door,' somebody said to Billy. 'Were you born I'm a barn?'
Billy closed it., took a hand from his muff, touched a stove. It was as cold as ice. The
stage was still set for Cinderella. Azure curtains hung from the arches which were
shocking pink. There were golden thrones and the dummy clock, whose hands were set at
midnight. Cinderella's slippers, which were a man's boots painted silver, were capsized
side by side under a golden throne.
Billy and poor old Edgar Derby and Lazzaro had been in the hospital when the British
passed out blankets and mattresses, so they had none. They had to improvise. The only
space open to them was up on the stage, and they went up there, pulled the azure curtains
down, made nests.
Billy, curled in his azure nest., found himself staring at Cinderella's silver boots under
a throne. And then he remembered that his shoes were ruined, that he needed boots. He
hated to get out of his nest., but he forced himself to do it. He crawled to the boots on all
fours, sat, tried them on.
The boots fit perfectly. Billy Pilgrim was Cinderella, and Cinderella was Billy Pilgrim.
Somewhere in there was a lecture on personal hygiene by the head Englishman., and
then a free election. At least half the Americans went on snoozing through it all. The
Englishman' got up on the stage, and he rapped on the arm of a throne with
a swagger stick, called, 'Lads, lads, lad I have your attention, please?' And so on.
What the Englishman. said about survival was this 'If you stop taking pride 'm your
appearance, you will very soon die.' He said that he had seen several men die in the
following way: They ceased to stand up straight, then ceased to shave or wash, then
ceased to get out of bed, then ceased to talk, then died. There is this much to be said for
it: it is evidently a very easy and painless way to go.' So it goes.
The Englishman said that he, when captured, had made and kept the following vows to
himself: To brush his teeth twice a day, to shave once a day, to wash his face and hands
before every meal and after going to the latrine, to polish his shoes once a day, to
exercise for at least half an hour each morning and then move his bowels, and to look into
a mirror frequently, frankly evaluating his appearance, particularly with respect to
posture.
Billy Pilgrim heard all this while lying in his nest. He looked not at the Englishman's
face but his ankles.
'I envy you lads,' said the Englishman.
Somebody laughed. Billy wondered what the joke was.
'You lads are leaving this afternoon for Dresden-a beautiful city., I'm told. You won't
be cooped up like us. You'll be out where the life is, and the food is certain to be more
plentiful than here. If I may inject a personal note: It has been five years now since I have
seen a tree or flower or woman or child-or a dog or a cat or a place of entertainment, or a
human being doing useful work of any kind.
'You needn't worry about bombs, by the way. Dresden is an open city. It is undefended,
and contains no war industries or troop concentrations of any importance.'
Somewhere in there, old Edgar Derby was elected head American. The Englishman
called for nominations from the floor, and there weren't any. So he nominated Derby,
praising him for his maturity and long experience in dealing with people. There were no
further nominations, so the nominations were closed.
'All in favor?'
Two or three people said, 'Aye.'
Then poor old Derby made a speech. He thanked the Englishman for his good advice,
said he meant to follow it exactly. He said he was sure that all the other Americans would
do the mm. He said that his primary responsibility now was to make damn well sure that
everybody got home safely.
'Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut,' murmured Paul Lazzaro in his azure nest.
