“Oh.” Holly felt even more disappointed. Sharon hadn’t sent him. She didn’t even want to see her; she must have given up on Holly altogether.
“She misses you, you know.” John continued to stare straight at her, not blinking for one moment.
Holly carried the mugs over to the table and sat down. “I miss her too.”
“It’s been a while now, Holly, and you know the two of you used to speak to each other every day.” John took the mug from her hand and placed it in front of him.
“Things used to be very different, John,” Holly said angrily. Didn’t anybody understand what she was going through? Was she the only sane person in the whole entire world these days?
“Look, we all know what you’ve been through . . . ,” John started.
“I know you all know what I’ve been through, John; that’s blatantly obvious, but you all don’t seem to understand that I’m still going through it!”
There was a silence.
“That’s not true at all.” John’s voice was quieter and he fixed his gaze onto the mug he was twirling around on the table before him.
“Yes it is. I can’t just move on with my life like you’re all doing and pretend that nothing has happened.”
“Do you think that that’s what we’re doing?”
“Well, let’s look at the evidence, shall we?” she said sarcastically. “Sharon is having a baby and Denise is getting married—”
“Holly, that’s called living,” John interrupted, and he looked up from the table. “You seem to have forgotten how to do that. Look, I know that it’s difficult for you because I know it’s difficult for me. I miss Gerry too. He was my best mate. I lived right next door to him all my life. I went to playschool with the guy, for Christ’s sake. We went to primary school together, we went to secondary school together and we played on the same football team. I was his best man at his wedding and he was at mine! Whenever I had a problem I went to Gerry, whenever I wanted to have a bit of fun I went to Gerry. I told him some things that I would never have told Sharon and he told me things he wouldn’t have told you. Just because I wasn’t married to him doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like you do. And just because he’s dead doesn’t mean I have to stop living too.”
Holly sat stunned. John twisted his chair around in order to face her properly. The legs of the chair squeaked loudly in the silence. He took a deep breath before he spoke again.
“Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it’s horrible. Yes, it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. But I can’t just give up. I can’t just stop going to the pub because there’s two blokes laughing and joking on the stools Gerry and I used to sit on, and I can’t stop going to football matches just because it’s somewhere we used to go together all the time. I can remember it all right and smile about it, but I can’t just stop going there.”
Tears welled in Holly’s eyes and John continued talking.
“Sharon knows you’re hurting and she understands, but you have to understand that this is a hugely important time in her life, too, and she needs her best friend to help her through it. She needs your help just like you need hers.”
“I’m trying John,” Holly sobbed as hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I know you are.” He leaned forward and grabbed her hands. “But Sharon needs you. Avoiding the situation isn’t going to help anyone or anything.”
“But I went for a job interview today,” she sobbed childishly.
John tried to hide his smile. “That’s great news, Holly. And how did it go?”
“Shite,” she sniffed, and John started laughing. He allowed a silence to fall between them before he spoke again.
“She’s almost five months pregnant, you know.”
“What?” Holly looked up in surprise. “She didn’t tell me!”
“She was afraid to,” he said gently. “She thought you might get mad at her and never want to speak to her again.”
“Well, that was stupid of her to think that,” Holly said angrily and wiped her eyes aggressively.
“Oh really?” He raised his eyebrows. “So what do you call all this then?”
Holly looked away. “I meant to call her, I really did. I picked up the phone every day but I just couldn’t do it. Then I would say that I’d call the next day, and the next day I would be busy . . . oh, I’m sorry, John. I’m truly happy for the both of you.”
“Thank you, but it’s not me that needs to hear any of this, you know.”
“I know, but I’ve been so awful! She’ll never forgive me now!”
“Oh, don’t be stupid, Holly, it’s Sharon we’re talking about here. She’ll have it all forgotten about by tomorrow.”
Holly raised her eyebrows at him hopefully.
“Well, maybe not tomorrow. Next year perhaps . . . and you’ll owe her big-time, but she’ll eventually forgive you . . .” His icy eyes warmed and twinkled back at her.
“Stop it!” Holly giggled, hitting him on the arm. “Can I go with you to see her?”
Butterflies fluttered around in Holly’s stomach as they pulled up outside the hospital. She spotted Sharon looking around as she stood alone outside, waiting to be collected. She looked so cute Holly had to smile at the sight of her friend. Sharon was going to be a mummy. She couldn’t believe she was almost five months pregnant. That meant Sharon had been three months pregnant when they went away on holiday and she hadn’t said a word! But more important, Holly couldn’t believe that she stupidly hadn’t noticed the changes in her friend. Of course she wouldn’t have had a bump at only three months; but now, as she looked at Sharon dressed in a polo neck and jeans, she could see the swelling of a tiny bump. And it suited her. Holly stepped out of the car and Sharon’s face froze.
Oh no, Sharon was going to scream at her. She was going to tell her she hated her and that she never wanted to see her again and that she was a crappy friend and that . . .
Sharon’s face broke into a smile and she held her arms out to her. “Come here to me, you fool,” she said softly.
Holly ran into her arms. There, with her best friend hugging her tight, she felt the tears begin again. “Oh Sharon, I’m so sorry, I’m a horrible person. I’m so so so so so so sorry, please forgive me. I never meant to—”
“Oh shut up, you whiner, and hug me.” Sharon cried too, her voice cracking, and they squeezed each other for a long time as John looked on.
“Ahem,” John cleared his throat loudly.
“Oh come here, you.” Holly smiled and dragged him into their huddle.
“I presume this was your idea.” Sharon looked at her husband.
“No not at all,” he said, winking at Holly, “I just passed Holly on the street and told her I’d give her a lift . . .”
“Yeah right,” she said sarcastically, linking arms with Holly as they walked toward the car. “Well, you certainly gave me a lift anyway.” She smiled at her friend.
“So what did they say?” Holly asked, squeezing herself forward between the two front seats from the back of the car like an excited little child. “What is it?”
“Well, you’ll never believe this, Holly.” Sharon twisted around in her chair and matched her friend’s excitement. “The doctor told me that . . . and I believe him because apparently he’s one of the best . . . anyway he told me . . .”
“Come on!” Holly urged her on, dying to hear.
“He says it’s a baby!”
Holly rolled her eyes. “Ha-ha. What I mean is, is it a boy or a girl?”
“It’s an it for now. They’re not too sure yet.”
“Would you want to know what ‘it’ is if they could tell you?”
Sharon scrunched her nose up. “I don’t know actually, I haven’t figured that out yet.” She looked across at John and the two of them shared a secret smile.
A familiar pang of jealousy hit Holly and she sat quietly while she let it pass until the excitement returned. The three of them headed back to Holly’s house. She and Sharon weren’t quite ready to leave each other again after just making up. They had so much to talk about. Sitting around Holly’s kitchen table, they made up for lost time.
“Sharon, Holly went for a job interview today,” John said when he finally managed to get a word in edgewise.
“Ooh really? I didn’t know you were job-hunting already!”
“Gerry’s new mission for me,” Holly smiled.
“Oh, was that what it was this month? I was just dying to know! So how did it go?”
Holly grimaced and held her head in her hands. “Oh it was awful, Sharon. I made a total fool of myself.”
“Really?” Sharon giggled. “What was the job?”
“Selling advertising space for that magazine, X.”
“Ooh, that’s cool, I read that at work all the time.”
“Don’t think I know that one, what kind of magazine is it?” John asked.
“Oh, it kind of has everything in it: fashion, sports, culture, food, reviews . . . everything really.”
“And adverts,” Holly joked.
“Well, it won’t have such good adverts if Holly Kennedy isn’t working for them,” she said kindly.
“Thanks, but I really don’t think I will be working there.”
“Why, what was so wrong with the interview? You can’t have been that bad.” Sharon looked intrigued as she reached for the pot of tea.
“Oh, I think it’s bad when the interviewer asks if you have any experience working on a magazine or newspaper and you tell him you once printed up a newsletter for a shitty company.” Holly banged her head playfully off the kitchen table.
Sharon burst out laughing. “Newsletter? I hope you weren’t referring to that crappy little leaflet that you printed up on the computer to advertise that dive of a company?”
John and Sharon howled with laughter.
“Ah well, it was advertising the company . . .” Holly trailed off and giggled, feeling even more embarrassed.
“Remember, you made us all go out and post them around people’s houses in the pissing rain and the freezing cold! It took us days to do!”
“Hey, I remember that,” John laughed. “Remember, you sent me and Gerry out to post hundreds of them one night?” He kept on laughing.
“Yeah?” Holly was afraid to hear what came next.
“Well, we shoved them in the skip at the back of Bob’s pub and went in for a few pints.” He kept on laughing at the memory of it and Holly’s mouth dropped open.
“You sly little bastards!” she laughed. “Because of you two the company went bust and I lost my job!”
“Oh, I’d say it went bust the minute people took a look at those leaflets, Holly,” Sharon teased. “Anyway, that place was a kip. You used to moan about it every day.”
“Just one of the jobs Holly moaned about,” John joked. But he was right.
“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have moaned about this one,” she said sadly.
“There’s plenty more jobs out there,” Sharon reassured her, “you just need to brush up on your interview skills.”
“Tell me about it.” Holly stabbed away at the sugar bowl with a spoon.
They sat in silence for a while.
“You published a newsletter,” John repeated a few minutes later, still laughing at the thought of it.
“Shut up, you,” Holly cringed. “Hey, what else did you and Gerry get up to that I don’t know about?” she demanded.
“Ah, a true friend never reveals secrets,” John teased, and his eyes danced with the memories.
But something had been unlocked. And after Holly and Sharon threatened to beat some stories out of him, Holly learned more about her husband that night that she never knew. For the first time since Gerry had died, the three of them laughed and laughed all night, and Holly learned how to finally be able to talk about her husband. It used to be that the four of them gathered together; Holly, Gerry, Sharon and John. This time only three of them gathered to remember the one they lost. And with all their talk, he became alive for them all that night. Soon they would be four again, with the arrival of Sharon and John’s baby.
Life went on.
Thirty-six
THAT SUNDAY RICHARD CALLED OUT to visit Holly with the kids. She had told him he was welcome to bring them by whenever it was his day with them. They played outside in the garden while Richard and Holly finished off their dinner and watched them through the patio doors.
“They seem really happy, Richard,” Holly said, watching them playing.
“Yes they do, don’t they?” He smiled as he watched them chasing each other around. “I want things to be as normal for them as possible. They don’t quite understand what’s going on, and it’s difficult to explain.”
“What have you told them?”
“Oh, that Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore and that I moved away so that we can be happier. Something along those lines.”
“And they’re OK with that?”
Her brother nodded slowly. “Timothy is OK but Emily is worried that we might stop loving her and that she will have to move away.” He glanced up at Holly, his eyes sad.
Poor Emily, Holly thought, watching her dancing around with her scary-looking doll. She couldn’t believe that she was having this conversation with Richard. He seemed like a totally different person these days. Or perhaps it was Holly who had changed; she seemed to have a higher tolerance for him now, she found it easier to ignore his annoying little comments, and there were still many of them. But then again, they now had something in common. They both understood what it was like to feel lonely and unsure of themselves.
“How’s everything going at Mum and Dad’s house?”
Richard swallowed a forkful of potato and nodded, “Good. They’re being extremely generous.”
“Ciara bothering you at all?” She felt like she was questioning her child after he returned home from his first day of school, wanting to know if the other kids had bullied him or treated him well. But lately she felt so protective of Richard. It helped her to help him; it gave her strength.
“Ciara is . . . Ciara,” he smiled. “We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry about that,” Holly said, trying to stab a piece of pork with her fork. “The majority of the world wouldn’t see eye to eye with her either.” Her fork finally made contact with the pork and she sent it flying off her plate and through the air, where it landed on the kitchen counter at the far side of the room.
“And they say pigs don’t fly,” Richard remarked as Holly crossed the room to retrieve the piece of meat.
Holly giggled, “Hey Richard you made a funny!”
He looked pleased with himself. “I have my moments too, I suppose,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Although I’m sure you think I don’t have many of them.”
Holly sat back down in her seat slowly, trying to decide how to phrase what she was going to say. “We’re all different, Richard. Ciara is slightly eccentric, Declan is a dreamer, Jack is a joker, I’m . . . well, I don’t know what I am. But you were always very controlled. Straight and serious. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, we’re all just different.”
“You’re very thoughtful,” Richard said after a long silence.
“Pardon?” Holly asked, feeling confused. To cover her embarrassment she stuffed her face with another mouthful of food.
“I’ve always thought you were very thoughtful,” he repeated.
“When?” Holly asked incredulously, through her mouthful.
